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Total Articles: 128
Great selection of Ex-Mormon Comedy.
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The Book Of Cheese Plate
Thursday, Jan 1, 2004, at 09:07 AM
Original Author(s): Infymus, Beecroft, Burri
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
The Book Of Cheese Plate.

xx xxx xxx xx

1 And it came to pass that I was swept away by an Angel. And the angel said unto me... LOOK! And I beheld a great plate of cheese... And the angel said unto me again... LOOK! And I beheld that there were refried beans under the cheese... And said I unto the angel, what meaneth these things?

2 And the angel said unto me...Behold, do not marvel that there are refried beans under the cheese, for they belongeth there, to delighteth the tongue, and increaseth the taste thereof; therefore take thee thy pleasure in thy beans and cheese, for as thou beholdeth them and tasteth them thou canst know for a surety that they are good.

3 Therefore, I ate thereof the plate of cheese and beans, and it was good. And I did wander off to go about my ways, but felt therein a feeling in my bowels.andnbsp;

4 And I came forth back unto the place where the Angel was and said... Mine bowls are full of cheese and beans, and I doth stinketh. Lo, I stinketh so much mine sheep doth run from me, therefore, I am troubled.

5 And the angel spake again to me and said, Didst not thou knowest that thy bowels must be full of mercy for thy fellow man and not of beans and cheese? Therefore go thy way, and purge thy bowels of this that stinketh, lest ye be cursed with sore afflictions. Go near no man, for if thou go nearest a man, thou will be cast out from his presence. Also go not near thy wife, until the time cometh when the stink shall pass, and thou shall be again esteemed highly of thy wife.

6 And it came to pass that I did not heed the Angel. Therefore I went unto my wife and did wave the covers upon her and she was wroth. And then in the village did I stand too near the fire and lo, mine stink did flame, and the flame arose with a great blue light, and mine hair was burned. And thus I was sorely afflicted because I did not heed the words of the Angel. Therefore again I came unto the place where the Angel first spoke to me and I was troubled. And I began to murmur against the plate of cheese and the refried beans therein.

7 And it came to pass that I did stand upon the place where the Angel first showed the plate of cheese unto me for the space of two days. And after two days I did not hear again from the angel. Therefore, I sat down and waited for the Angel to again appear. And I did offer burnt offerings of blue flame, and did murmer and mumble and twiddle mine hair.

8 And it came to pass that for the space of three days did I wait for the angel to appear again. And lo, no angel did appear unto me. And mine fingers were sorely afflicted from the twiddeling of mine hair therein. Therefore I did gird up mine loins and I did go unto the Burger King and did no longer think of cheese and beans. And mine heart was saddened for the passing of wind was pleasurable. Therefore I did eat of burger and bun and thought no more of the angel and his plate of cheese and beans.

9 And again, a week did pass, and the memory of the cheese plate did linger with me. And on that thursday, I beheld the Angel of light again, and he didst comfort me. And I saw before me the plate of beans and cheese again, and the angel said 'eat.' But I said unto the angel 'Not so, for if I eat, I shall stinketh.'

10 And the angel said unto me again, 'Eat. For as thou eatest, it shall be pleasant to thy taste. But in thy belly, it shall turn bitter.' And I headed the Angel, and I did eat. And It was sweet and pleasant in my mouth, but in my belly, it was bitter.

11 And as I sat upon my chair, a rumbling exclaimed forth from my belly. And I didst run with all my might, that I might relieve myself of the bitterness in my stomach. And I sayeth unto myself 'Woe is me. For as I eateth the beans and the cheese, and as it was pleasant to the taste, now it is bitter in my belly and must pass through the drough.'

12 And I resolved, from that time forth, to visit Burger King on Thursday and leave the evil of the cheese plate.

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Who Wants to Marry My Twin Teenage Daughters
Wednesday, Jul 14, 2004, at 08:07 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From The Spoof:
Fox hope to appeal to members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) when they air a controversial new show in Utah this Fall. 12 male contestants aged between 40 and 72 will compete to take 16-year-old twins, Elsa and Elisabeth as their wives.

Although polygamy is widely condemned by today's Mormon religion, some Latter Day Saints feel that Gods revelation to Joseph Smith in this regard should still be followed. God informed Joseph that marrying multiple wives was a requirement to enter the kingdom of heaven*.

This contentious issue became central to LDS alienation from mainstream America, and in the 1890s, God conveniently informed Joseph Smith's successor that this revelation was no longer relevant*.

Unfortunately, God has subsequently revealed to several people that this reversal is an abomination*. These chosen few have demanded a following and their FLDS congregations cling strictly to the original beliefs of the Mormon faith. Most live in isolated regions of Arizona and Utah and try as best they can to live their lives in peace.

They preach that men should supplement their partners with additional fresh and young wives - at least 7 if they really want to go to heaven. As this is an instruction directly from God, many men humbly and selflessly comply.

Needless to say, a religion that preaches that men must take young girls as wives and bed them (because God says so) certainly develops a following. These holy men are able to see through the mystery that is the Lords wishes, and in faith shag a bevy of teenagers.

It's on this foundation that the new reality series is built. Fox have high hopes for the show and believe that success will fuel interest in their follow up - a real courtroom drama. While the theme is a closely guarded secret, the title is rumored to be "Who Wants to Represent a Pedophile Accused of Statutory Rape"

* God is currently unavailable for comment and these revelations can neither be denied nor confirmed.
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Congregation Stripped Naked in Mormon Underwear Bust!
Thursday, Jul 15, 2004, at 11:44 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From Landover Baptist Church:
Greetings, and thank you all for having me here. As I am wont to do, I begin each of my testimonies with a brief public prayer. So I ask now for every head to be bowed, and every eye to be closed, thank you.

Heavenly Father, thank you for delivering me from the cult of Mormonism, America's favorite religious fantasy role-playing game that doesn't involve a genuine invisible god.

Thank you for the Holy Spirit, who came to strip me of my sinful undergarments, and expose me, thereby returning me to the Garden from which Adam was banished by a cranky Lord.

Speak through my anointed lips so those listening here today shall also be returned to a state of grace, unadorned by the apparel of the shamed.

Kindle within their hearts, through your humble servant, Zechariah Hosea, a call to harness the furious fires of your Holy wrath sevenfold! And set free my brothers and sisters still trapped within the secret world of Mormon fetishisms. Praise be, and A-men.

Friends, I took off my magic, low-rise Y-front occult Mormon underwear ten years ago, and haven't looked back since. I'm going to pass my old skivvies around the church now, (Zechariah steps down from the pulpit) here you go, ma'am, you inspect that carefully and pass it on to the lovely young lady on your right there, and so-on. I want everyone to take a long careful look at my old underwear. Don't be afraid little lady; it's not going to bite you in the nose! That's right, I want you to smell it, touch it, and rub it against your skin to show Satan that this little piece of 48-inch-waist poly-cotton fabric has no power over you! That's it... good.
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Mormon Church Investigates Ken Jennings
Thursday, Jul 15, 2004, at 01:18 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From The Spoof:
SALT LAKE CITY (SP)--Ken Jennings' reign as trivia king continued on Tuesday when he won for the 30th straight time on the popular game show Jeopardy. To date, the 30-yr old Utah software engineer has amassed over $1 million dollars in winnings. Despite allegations that the television show is rigged, Jennings continues day by day to demolish each opponent with a nerdy charm and a quick trigger finger.

But Jennings, a Mormon, may have some rocky times ahead when his Hollywood gig ends. According to a source within the Mormon church, a team of investigators have started looking into the life of this bright young husband and father of one.

Jennings has recently appeared on NBC's The Tonight Show, KLTD's Betty Makes Pottery and the syndicated talk show Big Ed's Jamboree. Liberal media outlets are heralding this national exposure for Jennings and are assuming that the Mormon church is giddy about all the attention.

Ted Growback, spokesman for the Liberal Media Elite said, "This is way cool for the Mormons. We have decided and decreed that they are loving all the attention, and we have anointed Ken Jennings, Mr. Mormon."
Continue Reading
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Elder Richard G. Scott Spotted at Bikini Cuts
Tuesday, Aug 17, 2004, at 06:38 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From Latter-Day Lampoon:
Elder Richard G. Scott of the First Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was seen by several citizens at the Bikini Cuts Salon in Sandy, Utah. News sources indicate he received a hair cut.

Bethany Prince, president, owner and hair stylist at Bikini Cuts, confirms the report and stated that he entered the salon "in disguise," apparently not wanting to be recognized. "He wore an overcoat and a hat which I thought was very unusual since it was at least ninety degrees outside," said Prince an exclusive interview. "Once inside, he removed his coat and hat and sat in my chair."

Prince talked to Elder Scott and noticed he tried to also disguise his voice. "Imagine his regular slow and monotone voice but add to that a German accent. That's what it sounded like," said Prince. According to Prince he said, "Yaw," Although Elder Scott wanted a trim, he appeared preoccupied with the workers and the facilities. "He kept looking around and I had to keep slapping him and telling him not to move his head," said Prince. "I was very irritated."
Continue Reading Story.
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First Presidency Announcement - Endowment Changes
Friday, Jan 14, 2005, at 09:20 AM
Original Author(s): Baura
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
APR - Salt Lake City, January 14, 2005:

The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made the following announcement:

"As the work of the Lord progresses it must take into account the state of the world in which it rolls forth. The images and metaphors of one generation have a different meaning and nuance when observed by another. Although the Endowment itself does not change the form of the endowment ceremony may be translated not only to different languages but adjusted to different and differing cultural enviornments.

"Therefore after prayerful consideration the Brethren have re-fitted the Endowment Ceremony as a Rock Opera. Temple patrons may be assured that the sanctity of the Temple will not be violated. All electric guitars and amplifiers will be purest white and the volume will never rise above 5 on the dial.

"We hope that these adjustments will enable the rising generation of Latter-day Saints to more fully appreciate the temple and the spirit that should accompany temple worship. To all who have let their temple attendance lapse we invite you to return to the temple.

"We will, we will endow you!"

Gordon B. Hinckley
Thomas S. Monson
James E. Faust
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Mormon Cliches That Make You Gag
Sunday, Feb 20, 2005, at 11:53 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Here are some Mormon Cliches that just make you want to gag.
  • You must have milk before you can have meat.
  • When the prophet speaks, the thinking's been done.
  • Gird up your loins. (sounds reaaalllyyy painful, btw).
  • She's such a special spirit.
  • I feel very humbled to be asked to speak to you today.
  • Please bless those who couldn't come this week that they may come next week.
  • God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
  • Every member, a missionary.
  • Lock your heart.
  • She's in a better place now.
  • Let me introduce the newest member of our ward.
  • Yes, we've been blessed.
  • Brothers and sisters
  • In these latter-days
  • We can't live on borrowed light
  • Nourish and strengthen our bodies
  • A burning in my bosom <- This has to be the all time most annoying and stupid Mormon saying there is! Ugggh! Yuck! Eeeek!
  • Every fiber of my being.
  • Go the extra mile.
  • Put your shoulder to the wheel.
  • He's a really good person. Not a member, but still a good person
  • The gospel is perfect...the saints aren't.
  • " the name of Thy son, EVEN jesus christ"
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Breaking News! Mark Hoffman To Be Released From Prison!
Wednesday, Feb 23, 2005, at 08:05 AM
Original Author(s): Brandnewtatoo
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Draper, UT–State Prison officials have confirmed widespread rumors that convicted forger and murderer Mark Hoffman is scheduled for immediate release from the state prison after documents mailed anonymously to the Prison Warden’s office have thrown new light on his case. Bearing the signature of the Prophet Joseph Smith himself as well as many other early Mormon Church leaders and American founding fathers, and written in ink that appears to be the kind the signers would have used, these letters proclaim Hoffman’s complete innocence of all the crimes with which he was charged. As if to add emphasis, under what appears to be the signature of President George Washington a note is scrawled: “I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my good friend Mark would never do such a thing. For more information please contact me at”

When asked whether the documents had been verified as authentic, Prison Warden LeRoy J. Shumway responded that while he had not sent the letters to an independent forensic laboratory for examination since “no such fancy-pants facility exists within the State of Utah”, he had shown the entire collection to LDS Church leader President Gordon B. Hinckley, who vouched for their authenticity and paid an undisclosed sum of money to take possession of the letters. They are now being held for safekeeping in the Church’s vault.

In a press release posted yesterday on the Church’s official website, President Hinckley announced that the documents “certainly looked and smelled old enough” and that he had “seen those signatures somewhere before.” Adding that since the founding fathers were called of God to establish a country dedicated to justice for all, and that they had all been baptized posthumously in the St. George temple and were now members of the LDS Church, he felt comfortable accepting their declarations at face value. He also assured church members that no tithing funds were used for the purchase of the letters.

While moving Hofmann from his cell into a temporary processing facility, prison guards discovered a small homemade chemical lab, a toaster oven, and several sheets of old paper that had apparently been ripped out of the backs of the prison library’s older books. When confronted with the discovery Warden Shumway stated that although during his tenure he has certainly tried to encourage prisoners to develop and pursue their hobbies, and while he supports Hoffman’s healthy interest in chemistry and reading of classic literature, he simply cannot allow state property to be damaged without holding the offender responsible. The warden has stated that as much as two dollars will be deducted from Hoffman’s prison earnings as a janitor to pay for the senseless damage.
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The 17 Points Of The True Church
Friday, Feb 25, 2005, at 09:04 AM
Original Author(s): Fpr Spreader
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
A few years ago 3 men were serving in Iraq when they decided to come up with a list of things that any church must have for it to be true. They came up with these 17 points:

The true church must practice polygamy. (DandC 132)

The true church must NOT practice polygamy (DandC Official Declaration 1)

The True church must believe that God lives on a planet that orbits the star Kolob (Abraham 3)

The true church must teach the secret handshakes required to get into heaven (Mormon Temple Ceremony)

The true church must have leaders who are progressive enough to ask god if blacks can have the priesthood. (DandC Official Declaration 2)

The true church must make its members wear special undergarments 24/7. (Temple Ceremony)

The true church must have prophets that preach bizarre personal opinions from the pulpit sometimes, but those teachings can be ignored. (FAIR message boards)

The true church must not have any official doctrine. (FAIR Message boards)

The true church must believe that the original christian church apostatized when the leaders started changing sacred doctrines and ordinances. (Joseph Smith history)

The true church must have leaders with the authority to change sacred doctrines and ordinances through continuing revelation (DandC OD1, DandC OD2, temple changes, etc.)

The true church must believe in the Three Nephites. (The Book of Mormon)

The true church must be the one and only true church, and the only church that is not an abomination to god. (DandC 1)

The true church must believe in three kingdoms of heaven (DandC)

The true church must believe that as man is god once was, and as god is, man may become. (King Follet discourse, Temple Ceremony)

The true church must also not really teach that god was once a man (Gordon B. Hinckley)

The true church must not allow women to have any priesthood leadership positions (?????)

The true church must teach that Jesus never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it (????)

After they finished their time in Iraq, they each went their seperate ways. Yesterday they all got in touch at a Army reunion and it turns out they all joined the same church, the one church that met all 17 requirements. That church was the LDS church.
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The Mormon/Battlestar Galactica Connection!
Tuesday, Mar 1, 2005, at 10:37 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
In the late 60's, Glen Larson pitched a TV show called Adam's Ark around the same time that Star Trek was ending. In it, Larson wanted to take biblical themes and set them out in space. While no one was interested in that particular project, Larson was a successful creator, writer or producer on such TV shows as It Takes a Thief, McCloud, The Six Million Dollar Man, Quincy, The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries, B.J. and the Bear, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Magnum PI, The Fall Guy, Knight Rider and Manimal.

Star Wars exploded into the world in 1977 and as everyone and his brother tried to capitalize on it's success, something like Larson's old pitch suddenly seemed like a great idea. ABC originally planned to have Battlestar Galactica as a series of two-hour movies, following a big, three-hour premiere, but they were impressed enough to order it up as a weekly hour-long series. It premiered on ABC in September of 1978, after being seen as a theatrical release in Canada and Europe in July of that year. The show was cancelled after just 24 episodes in April of '79. Due to fan pressure, it was revived as Galactica 1980 (in 1980...duh), but this only lasted for 10 episodes.

The opening prologue reads, "There are those who believe that life here began out there, far across the universe, with tribes of human who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, or the Toltecs, or the Mayans. They may have been the architects of the great pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis. Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive far, far away, amongst the stars."

Glen Larson (creator and producer of Galactica) is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and many parallels between his church's and the show's mythologies can be found.

The main characters in Galactica are the last remnants of the Twelve Colonies, which were founded by twelve tribes of humans who left their home planet of Kobol, which had become inhabitable because of either natural or man-made contamination. There was a "lost thirteenth tribe" who went a different direction than the rest and, as the story goes, ended up colonizing Earth. Commander Adama once delivered the following speech about their origins: "Our recorded history tells us we descended from a mother colony, a race that went out into space to establish colonies. Those of us assembled here now represent the only known surviving Colonists, save one. A sister world, far out in the universe, remembered to us only through ancient writings..." He goes on to assert that the "lost thirteenth tribe" colonized Earth. Something called "The Book of The Word" described the journey of the tribes of man away from Kobol.

In the Mormon church, The Book of Mormon describes the journey of a "thirteenth tribe" There were twelve tribes of Israel and the prophet Lehi took a remnant of the tribe of Joseph (creating a "lost thirteenth tribe") and somehow travelled from the middle east to North America around 600 BC. They ended up splitting into two tribes, one of whom flourished and according to the book are the descendants of the American Indians. Additionally, the name Kobol is made up of the rearranged letters making up the word Kolob, which is the star "nearest unto the throne of God," or the name of the planet where the Mormons' god, Elohim, is from.

In the TV show, the planet Kobol itself was considered destroyed or just a legend until it was found in the episode, "Lost Planet of the Gods." Adama thought there was a secret passage to Earth in the tomb of the Ninth Lord in the lost city of Eden on Kobol. He identified the tomb by the Ninth Lord's seal.

In the episode "War of the Gods," there is a "Ship of Lights" commanded by mysterious beings. In one scene, Starbuck asks the them if they are angels. The "entity" responds with, "Oddly enough, there is some truth to your speculation." When he inquires, "But why are you bothering with us? We are from a simple handful of human survivors," Starbuck is told: "Because, as you are now, we once were. As we are now, you may become."

This is interesting because the fifth LDS President Lorenzo Snow coined the expression, "As man is God once was, as God is, man may be" as stated in the Articles of Faith (pg. 430). The LDS believes that God was once a man on another planet (sometimes referred to as Kolob) who followed the Mormon teachings, died, rose to the third level of heaven and eventually became a God, just as they teach that if you follow the Mormon teachings here on Earth you may eventually become the God of your own world after death.

Commander Adama notes, "The ancient ones, the Lords who first settled our Kobol, spoke of visitations from what they in their primitive way referred to as angels. Think of them as custodians of the universe, advanced beings, very highly advanced, whose mandate it is to make certain that their powers are never abused by any one of their own."

While the Book of Mormon may teach that there is only one true God (Alma 11:26-29), other Mormon documents say that there are many Gods (Mormon Doctrine, page 163), in fact the Journal of Discourses (vol 6, pg. 5) states that "In the beginning, the head of the Gods called a council of the Gods; and they came together and concocted a plan to create the world and the people." Battlestar Galactica's "custodians of the universe" may allude to this council of Gods. It may be worth noting here that the majority of Mormon beliefs, church practices and ceremonies are not described in The Book of Mormon. If you happen to be given The Book of Mormon by an LDS member friend or by one of their door-to-door missionaries, you won't find much about some of this stuff and certainly nothing about their various temple ceremonies and beliefs.

In the "War of the Gods" episode, there is a character named Count Iblis, who is basically Satan for the show's purposes, whom the "entities" seem to be after. They note that, "He now uses his powers to corrupt and lead others away from the truth." Apollo figures out the Count's true identity, by thinking "back to the original records. The names Mephistopheles, Diabolis, the Prince of Darkness." According to the original script of the episode, "War of the Gods," Apollo and Starbuck enter a wreckage thought to have been Count Iblis' comrades' ship. There they discover a glove that seems to have been made for a cloven hoof. They lift up a metal panel and discover a devil or demon-like figure. The networks dropped the scene for fear it would be too scary for kids and for the "satanic" overtones.

In the LDS, God has a wife with whom he has children. These "spirit" children are eventually reborn on earth, where their "pre-existence" is "veiled" from them until they die and return to Heaven, at which time they remember their previous life in heaven. Satan is one of God's spirit children, birthed by God's wife in the Celestial Kingdom of Heaven. He is a spirit brother to Jesus. According to Mormon Doctrine, both Jesus and Satan offered plans for mankind's salvation to God, with Jesus' plan being accepted. Satan's plan sought to "deny men their agency," that is, their freedom of choice, something very important in Mormon theology.

In Battlestar Galactica, when the Entities are asked why they cannot stop Count Iblis, they reply, "Because we cannot interfere with freedom of choice. His, yours, anyone's."

Commander Adama performs a "sealing ceremony" between Apollo and Serina, saying, "A union between this man and this woman not only for now but for all the eternities." In the LDS, when couples have a temple wedding, they are sealed for "time and all eternity."

A Galactica 1980 episode contains the phrase "The glory of the universe is intelligence," very similar to a passage in the LDS Doctrines and Covenants #93: "The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth."

In both Battlestar Galactica and the LDS, the political structure consists of a Council (or Quorum) of the Twelve, and a President.

What's the point of all this? I guess this just seems interesting to me because the majority of the horror and science-fiction projects that mix in any sort of religion usually use Christian, or often Roman Catholic theology (The Day The Earth Stood Still, Star Trek V, the Exorcist, the Omen series, The Seventh Sign, etc.). Other than a recent film called Plan 10 From Outer Space (which I've only read about), I don't know of any other genre feature using Mormon doctrine as a major component to it's mythology.
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Mormonism For Dummies
Monday, Mar 14, 2005, at 07:54 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
At last, an accessible guide that demystifies the Mormon religion

The LDS church, formally known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or LDS, has 5.2 million members in the U.S. and adds about 300,000 converts every year. This eye-opening book takes the mystery out of Mormonism, describing the beliefs and rituals that set the LDS apart from other Christian denominations as well as its views on women, race, homosexuality, and polygamy.

Jana Riess, PhD (Winchester, KY), a Mormon convert, is the religion book review editor at Publishers Weekly. Christopher Bigelow (Provo, UT), a sixth-generation Mormon, wrote for the official LDS monthly magazine.

Amazon.COM Link For Book.
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The Great Mormon Money Machine
Saturday, Mar 19, 2005, at 05:43 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

It's the World's Perfect Business Scheme and you can do it too. Just start your own "Afterlife Insurance Company" then make the greatest promise humanly imaginable -- promise your clients that if they totally obey you and pay their premiums, after death they'll become Gods! In fact, polygamous Gods who'll have eternal sex with innumerable partners! Until then, they'll enjoy moral supremacy over all humanity. You do need to claim that you're a prophet of God however, but this is the easiest claim on earth to make and no one can prove you're lying.


Using the power of your "Afterlife Insurance Company":
  • You demand a whopping ten percent of each client's income for their policy premiums and...
  • You publicly humiliate anyone who questions you or fails to pay. This power is so great that...
  • You can even ban clients from attending things like family weddings! And yet, the absurd irony is...
  • You don't have to prove to anyone that your Afterlife Insurance Company actually works, so...
  • You are worry free because, in this business, all your disillusioned customers are dead. Therefore...
  • You never pay off a single claim (although you literally promised the Universe). Then, incredibly...
  • You reverse the Burden of Proof--If others don't magically know you're right--they're wrong! Now...
  • You destroy rational thought with the delusion that deeply feeling it's true is all that matters. Soon...
  • You addict clients so forcefully to your fantasy they fear they can't live without it! From all this...
  • You urge mass lying (re: the Emperor's New Clothes) by saying "All worthy people will know it's true."
  • You now multiply this gullibility with the following arsenal of business weapons --
  • You exploit your very clients as free labor to run your business for you, even on Sundays.
  • You command a massive volunteer sales force that must actually pay its own expenses.
  • You endure almost no outside government interference and with limited regulation and...
  • You have no inner accountability either, such as member or stockholder oversight! Better yet...
  • You run a company that pays no taxes, but instead enjoys tax-subsidized dues. Then for comfort...
  • You answer only to your inside buddies for your personal pay and perks! But not stopping there...
  • You find abundant opportunities for nepotism and cronyism even outside the firm, because...
  • You freely raise large venture capital funds for unrelated business schemes. And all this time...
  • You enjoy total administrative, financial and clubhouse secrecy. Now, Jaded by your aloof stature...
  • You callously use emotional, social and spiritual extortion as powerful revenue tactics. Coldly...
  • You hold hostage a family's togetherness in the hereafter, plus their closeness here. And amazingly...
  • You even intimidate your clients literally down to their underwear. Then for good measure...
  • You claim the right to acquire all their worldly possessions too! Your disrespect is so deep that...
  • You require them to make dour commitments, before even telling them what they're agreeing to! Yet...
  • You still passionately kindle their hero worship with great theatrical skill, because, as Matthew put it...
  • You wear charming sheep's clothing that makes False Prophets seem so totally respectable. Finally...
  • You exercise massive social, political and economic clout. And the proverbial "fruits" abound --
  • You and your cohorts rule vast empires wielding your colossal power and wealth!
This Great Mormon Money Machine is perfect, it's just Lies, Dollars and Sanctimony!

Two facts expose this money-making scheme: (1) The LDS church is one of the wealthiest religions in America while, (2) Mormon-dominated Utah is consistently first in personal bankruptcies. The Church gets rich--as members get poor. These two undisputed facts display the final outcome (fruits) of Mormonism and, according to Matthew, such fruits reveal False Prophets.
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The Mormon Name Generator
Friday, Mar 25, 2005, at 08:15 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From Rum and Monkey:
They're a funny old bunch, those latter day saints. Rather than picking names from their heritage, or the Bible, the Utah Mormons tend to make them up. Sometimes they'll combine the parents' names into one (BenDonna, for example). Other times it's impossible to quite understand what their parents were thinking; names like Zestpool and Zon'tl aren't uncommon.

We can understand why you might be jealous of names like these. After all, they are far more interesting and exciting than your own. Luckily, help is at hand with the Mormon Name Generator; simply indicate your first name, last name and your gender preference below, and we'll Mormonise your moniker.
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And Johnny Mo Thought He Was Celestial Material
Friday, Apr 22, 2005, at 07:52 AM
Original Author(s): Dennis Albright
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
We enter the baptismal room for little Johnny's baptism...

His father concludes the all important soul saving gibberish, "in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy ghost, amen"

As he proceeds to dunk young Johnny, Brother Crysateverthing sneezes "AAAAACheWWWWWW"! The two missionaries acting as witnesses suddenly turn their heads to see what the racket is all about only to miss little Johnny's toe protruding from the water as he is dunked.

The missionary witnesses eyes return to the task at hand and look at each other a little confused. Sheepishly they both nod their heads in affirmation of correct wording and procedure.

The rest of the day is spent in warm celebration of the eternal choice little Johnny made that day.

Years later after Johnny dies and is at the judgment seat of Joseph Smith, Father and Jesus he is horrified at the judgment.

"Johnny Mo, it has come to the attention of this Celestial Kingdom Induction hearing that there has been a grave error in priesthood ordinances. Even though you were a full tithe payer, area authority, member missionary and are very proficient at the signings and chantings of the temple two step, we must deny you entrance into the celestial kingdom."

As the full story unfolds, untold generations of deceased Mo family members thrashingly grieve as the reality of their eternal family becomes a thing of naught.

We fade from the spirit world with the disturbing image of Johnny trying to gnaw off his big toe (Hey, we do have bodies in the spirit world, spirit matter is still matter, nonetheless)
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You Know You're Trapped In A Cult When
Thursday, Apr 28, 2005, at 08:29 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From Ex-Mormon Recovery Board:
  • you alt-tab this particular site when someone in your family walks into the room;
  • you're afraid to be caught visiting this site because your spouse might catch you;
  • you're afraid to share your thoughts with your loved-ones about things that trouble you concerning your religious beliefs;
  • you're afraid to drink coffee and iced tea because you were always told it was bad for you;
  • you're afraid if some mormon you know sees you ordering a Frappuccino at Barnes and Noble, a MooLatte from the local DQ, or a Nestea beverage from the local Exxon station, they will think you're not only a weak person, but a sinner to boot;
  • your daughter is rebuked by one of her uber-nazi TBM friends on the way home from school one day for drinking a can of Dr. Pepper;
  • your wife has worn two pairs of earrings ever since she was in high school, and then one day out of the blue she is "kindly rebuked" at church in a busy foyer by the Stake President for wearing more than one pair of earrings;
  • your wife all of a sudden stops wearing the diamond-studded earrings you bought her for your 5th wedding anniversary because the SP told her it was unacceptable;
  • you and your family (as well as a few other folks who were paying attention to the chorister's lead) during a ward conference stand up to sing a hymn that was previously announced to be a "stand-up and sing" song, only to be severely scolded immediately afterwards, from the pulpit, in front of your family and fellow ward members by the SP for not following HIS fucking lead: "brothers and sisters, you stand when I stand; you do stand when I do not stand";
  • you worry about what others will think about you for using foul language on occasion;
  • you get visibly angry at the SP for the completely out-of-hand, rude, insensitive, self-righteous, smug, arrogant and utterly asinine instructions that issue forth from his mouth;
  • you are gravely counseled by the 1st Counselor in the SP in a temple recommend interview to "be careful" about focusing on and learning too much "secular knowledge" in your graduate studies at the University;
  • you just can't believe some of the stupid things folks in leadership positions say to your face;
  • you gradually learn that the things you were taught in church were sugar-coated;
  • you gradually learn that the sugar-coated teachings you learned actually concealed some of the most vile and abherrant behaviors and schemes ever concocted by men;
  • you learn that the supposed "revealed" doctrines you were taught in church were plagiarized, borrowed, or stolen from numerous other pagan and non-pagan sources;
  • you feel like you are checking your brain at the door every time you show up at church;
  • you're afraid to speak up in church and counter what one of the leaders says, despite the absurdness of what is being said;
  • you are instructed in "sacred" temples to repeatedly "bow your head and say yes," and by so doing agree to the most preposterous things;
  • you desperately want to talk to someone about what you learn in the temple, but you cannot because you are 1) either rushed out of the celestial room right at the beginning of a discussion on the very subject, or 2) you are outside of the temple and everytime you bring the subject up for discussion you are told "we don't talk about the sacred things in the temple outside of the temple";
  • more and more you become exasperated with your religious belief system;
  • you feel pretty damn righteous when you learn to make it through the temple veil on your own;
  • you feel "super-dee-duper" righteous when you get to stand on the other side of the temple veil, giving and receiving super-secret handshakes to your friends and family, through that very same veil;
  • you purchase "Duncan's Ritual" at Books-a-Million one day and learn for the first time that the super-secret temple handshakes, signs, and penalties you have promised never to disclose or discuss are identical to the ancient Scottish Rite Freemason's rituals, down to the cool little "pinky thing" even;
  • you ask the SP in an annual temple recommend interview "what is the temple is all about?" and answering he quotes Brigham Young's summary description of the temple (which you have heard by now at least a hundred times), paraphrasing: "to receive all the super-secret tokens and signs and in turn hand them each over to angels who stand as sentinels as you make your way back to heaven," and, upon hearing this absolutely-brilliant-answer, you honestly can't determine whether 1) the SP has suddenly lost his mind, or 2) he never had one.
  • you continue to wear the "regulation garment," even though you have been told you are unworthy to do so, because after 20 years of wearing nothing but garments against your skin you feel absolutely weird without them, and besides that, you honestly can't figure out what size of, or even how or where to purchase, the regular folk's underwear you really should be wearing;
  • your friends refuse to watch an "R-rated" movie with you because their minds might become possessed by the devil;
  • you're afraid to miss a regularly scheduled tithing payment because the bishop will find out, sooner than later;
  • you're afraid if the bishop finds out you missed a regularly scheduled tithing payment you might be called in to explain yourself;
  • you're afraid to tell the truth to the bishop when you have to explain yourself;
  • you make clever, deceptive excuses to the bishop as you try to explain yourself;
  • one day you tell the truth to the bishop in a tithing-settlement interview that yes, indeed, you are a partial tithe-payer, and he in turn quotes a dead prophet's incredibly insensitive statement to the effect that "paying less than a full-tithe is no better than paying no tithing at all," whereupon you ask the bishop in return: "well, in that case, Bishop: may I have a refund?";
  • you have been flat-out told by that particular religious and supposedly charitable organization's duly authorized representative and financial steward, that the several-thousand-dollar donation you made that very year not only wasn't appreciated, but, to top it off, you are made to feel bad and incredibly guilty for not giving more and toeing the line;
  • some mindless drone of a bishop takes your hard-earned money with a smirk, then slam-dunks your personal pride and dignity into a waste-basket;
  • you vow never again to make a single dollar's donation to the organization that extorts money from it's life-long membership;
  • your head often hurts and you have to take Tylenol on a regular basis because of the things that are troubing you;
  • you have to take Xanax to manage the mounting cognitive dissonance;
  • you have to take Wellbutrin to manage the deepening depression in your life, caused by God-only-knows;
  • you're afraid to tell your best friend you no longer accept everything you have been told about God and religion because he/she might rat on you;
  • you get anxious every time one of your teen-aged girls has a birthday, or a six month birthday anniversary, because the bishop or one of his faithful counselors will be hitting them up for an interview, without your knowledge or permission;
  • you are instructed by the SP that your teen-aged daughters are to be interviewed by the bishop, "alone," that is, with no parent present, or not interviewed at all;
  • you're afraid the bishop will completely fuck-up your twelve year-old's head during a coming-of-Priesthood-age interview, because your son is too honest and innocent and is subsequently found unworthy to pass the sacrament with his peers because he admits to practicing "self-abuse" (exactly what kind of a whack-job refers to something so natural in those terms, please tell me?);
  • you actually consider telling your kids to simply lie to the bishop in interviews, if necessary;
  • you suddenly realize that an organization that exacts such moronic, devilish and absurd thoughts, behavior and requirements from its membership, in this day and time, has pretty much completely lost touch with reality, preys on the innocence of children, the intelligence and integrity of adults, and ultimately parades around as an institution of God when just the opposite is the case;
  • you get sick to the stomach thinking about all of the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical abuse that is perpetrated in the name of God among and upon good folks you have known for years;
  • you can't sleep at night because of the things that you can't stop thinking about;
  • you're afraid to tell your siblings you no longer buy into all of the church crap;
  • you hesitate to invite your brother-in-law to watch an "R-rated" movie with you because of the lecture you most assuredly will get, again;
  • you can't find an extended family member to talk to, one who will truly listen to what you have to say, and try to understand, without challenging you to fast and pray about it, again;
  • you are ultimately driven in secrecy to share your inner-most thoughts and feelings with complete and total strangers on an internet forum;
  • you're afraid to post with honesty on this forum because someone in your neighborhood might see it and put two and two together;
  • you're afraid if someone puts two and two together then you'll be found out--become labeled an apostate, and life will begin to become more challenging;
  • you're afraid if you are labeled an apostate you might lose some of your present "so-called" friends;
  • you're afraid folks once friendly to you will turn and walk the other way upon seeing you in a Wal-mart isle, or look the other way when seen dropping a kid off at school;
  • you're afraid your kids will be shunned by their current friends because their parents tell them to stay away from the children of a "wicked apostate";
  • you've simply had enough, and you finally intend to call it quits, without regrets, with a heart full of gratitude for family, friends here at home and on this forum, and the Universe for an abundance of mercy, joy, love, knowledge, light and understanding;
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You Know You're In Utah If...
Wednesday, May 18, 2005, at 07:50 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
You know you live in Utah when...
  • Green jello with carrots mixed in doesn't seem strange.
  • You can pronounce Tooele.
  • The U is not just a letter - Neither is the Y.
  • You have actually eaten funeral potatoes.
  • You've gotten both heat and frost burns off your car's door handle in the same month.
  • You are not surprised to hear words like "Darn, Fetch, Flip", "Oh, My Heck" and "Shoot".
  • Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom.
  • Fry Sauce is something you can actually buy.
  • Hunting season is a school holiday.
  • The largest liquor store is the state government.
  • You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.
  • 30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable.
  • You know the difference between a 'Steak House' and a 'Stake House'.
  • The elevation exceeds the population.
  • You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you
  • You can see the stars at night
  • You have a bumper sticker that says "Families are Forever" or RULDS2?
  • Your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out.
  • You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
  • Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday.
  • You drink Coke from a brown paper bag.
  • You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.
  • At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
  • You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant.
  • You wonder why fire truck drivers honk when you drive 35 mph in the left lane on the freeway.
  • There is a similarity between a ward basketball game and the L.A. riots.
  • You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
  • You negotiate prices at a garage sale.
  • You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe.
  • You've heard about BYU football in a testimony meeting.
  • You have two gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times.
  • A member of your family wrote in Lavell Edwards for president in the last election.
  • Cars in the slow lane are traveling the fastest; cars in the fast lane are traveling the slowest; cars in the middle lanes are always trying to exit.
  • Sandals are the best-selling shoes.
  • Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.
  • You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore.
  • You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school.
  • You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.
  • You're on your own if you are turning left.
  • People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.
  • There's a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.
  • The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift.
  • People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.
  • In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.
  • The cost of living rises while your salary drops.
  • Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck.
  • When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.
  • Your paycheck has an additional 10 percent deduction.
  • More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.
  • You've never had a Mormon missionary knock on your door.
  • Your neighbors complain about where they live, yet refuse to return to the state they moved from.
  • You make a toast with red punch at a wedding reception.
  • You have more raw wheat stored than some Third World countries.
  • Your idea of a good time is playing Pictionary in the cultural hall.
  • Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Dr. Pepper and a PG-13 movie.
  • You and all your friends come to your mother for a haircut in her kitchen.
  • You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million.
  • You think "You're a 10 cow wife" is a compliment.
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AP Newsflash: Hinckley Announces New Mormon Theme Park
Friday, Jun 10, 2005, at 08:14 AM
Original Author(s): Tal Bachman
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
AP - Salt Lake City

Mormon church president Gordon B. Hinckley today announced plans for a new Mormon-themed amusement park. The park, to be named "MegaloMormonLand" by Hinckley, will be built adjacent to the newly acquired Crossroads Mall, and has a projected cost of $13.5 billion dollars.

"Nothing is too good for the Lord", remarked Hinckley when asked about the cost. "This park will stand as a testament to the faith and heritage of our pioneer ancestors, who would pause regularly for recreation on their long journey across the plains. They had faced bitter persecution. Mobs had destroyed their crops. Corrupt politicians had stolen their land. And yet, they perservered. We will too, in building the Lord's amusement park".

The park, which will feature an 18 foot statue of Hinckley himself at the front gate, is projected to open in May of 2008. "We are going to make church fun again", said Hinckley. "Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvelous?"

Church spokesman Richard Turley explained that "the park will feature three distinct areas, corresponding to the three degrees of glory". Tea and coffee will not be served, in deference to the church's strong stand against them. In their place, soft drinks such as Coca-Cola, Jolt Cola, and Red Bull will be sold. Concession stands will feature all-you-can-eat smorgasbords with barbecue pits modeled after the "ChuckWagon" in Bountiful and "Golden Corral" in Orem, restaurants popular with many Mormons. "Members of the church have been incredibly blessed by the Word of Wisdom", said Turley. "We intend to keep it that way, both with the beverages and the food we consume".

Children's attractions include "Do You See What I See?", where children dig in a well modeled after Willard Chase's well to find their very own "seer stone". Those children who have paid the $449.95 ticket price will also get their own hat to drop the stone in afterwards. The child telling the most creative story while staring into their hat will win a replica of the armour breastplate Smith later said he used for translating.

Another attraction, "24 Hours", has a projected ticket price of $529.99. Girls from fourteen years of age and up will have the opportunity of being propositioned by an actor portraying Mormon founder Joseph Smith after being locked in a room, in honour of Joseph and Brigham's approach toward young English convert Martha Brotherton. If the girl hesitates to accept his marriage proposals, the actor announces she has "24 hours" to decide whether to be "exalted" or not. "Our young women need to understand how serious marriage is", commented Turley. "Giving them a chance to be propositioned by a real prophet of God will help prepare them for a world all too anxious to misuse our sacred powers of procreation for purposes of mere pleasure".

Family attractions include the game "What's Eternal?". They compete to see which "eternal" doctrines that they've never heard of are real or invented. Options include macabre death oaths re-enacting the slashing of temple intiates' throats, Brigham Young's inclusion into the temple lecture at the veil the claim that Adam was the physical and spiritual father of Jesus Christ, a trinitarian God, that native Americans descend from BOM characters, and the claim that African-Americans - and Native Americans - and Jews - are all cursed or wicked races of human beings. Projected cost: $2499.99 per family.

Planned adult attractions include "A Roll in the Hay", where couples willing to pay the ticket price of $899.95 will be able to have sex in a hayloft modeled exactly after the loft where Mormon founder Joseph Smith first secretly had sex with his teenaged housemaid, Fanny Alger, in 1833.

Other features will include "Ring Around the Christus", modeled after the classic "Tilt-A-Whirl" ride, a waterslide called "The Waters of Mormon" spanning from the top of the new Joseph Smith Memorial Center, circling the top of the Salt Lake Temple, and landing back at the park, and a rollercoaster entitled "Midnight Train to Kolob", whose theme song will be specially recorded by Mormon convert Gladys Knight.

"Absolutely no tithing funds are being used to help with the $13.5 billion price tag for this amusement park", said Turley. "The church is very aware of the sacrifices that members make all over the world. The last thing we would ever want to do is squander money that properly belongs to the Lord and his church".

In other Mormon news, a small branch in Tegucigalpa, Mexico, recently pooled their money to send to homeless war refugees in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Any other ideas for MegaloMormonLand?
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My Visit To The "Belly" Of The "Beast" Or "How I Got To The Top Of The COB"
Friday, Jun 17, 2005, at 08:42 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Having girded up my loins with my own magic underwear; gray jockey low rise briefs with a black waist band, still having the lingering aroma of a just consumed skinny-fat Caffè Latte with half a pack of raw sugar on my lips and knowing that the “FARCE” had once been strong with me, I prepared to enter the “Death Star” known as the Church Office Building.

It had been my plan to don my cheapest Sears polyester suit and white shirt in an effort to blend in with the Morg-bots entering the COB, but gladly I have never owned a Sears suit and I gave away all my old white shirts, swearing to never wear another one when entering any property owned by the Morg. It is my personal statement that, NO I will not be assimilated. You have no power over me.

I entered the COB in all my Exmo Glory. It felt like I was entering a convention of IBM employees.... I’ve never seen so many white shirted people.

The inside of the COB looks every bit like a scene out of an “Austin Powers” other words its a time warp back to the 70’s.

The building is LONG over due for an update...perhaps this is on the plate with the Billion-Dollar mall makeover. Despite the 90-degree temperature outside, the COB projects a cold, stark, sanitized, plastic corporate feel as soon as you enter its revolving doors.

The first thing I noticed was all of the Morg-bots moving about.... and I swear this is the truth.... NO ONE WAS HAPPY OR SMILING.

I was greeted by a frumpy older aged stepford wife “sister” at the reception desk who directed me to the elevators. Her white nameplate identified her as Sister ****.

My purpose in going to the Belly of the Beast was to see for myself just how big and busy the Church Membership Department was... I guess that I was curious to see for myself if all the rumors were true about a mass exodus from the church, keeping Greg Dodge and his staff exhausted in an effort to keep up with the exit demand. But first I needed to pass the security check point.

The security guard looked like he used to play line backer for the BYU Football team...he was huge...and I don’t think he had been given his allocation of red meat yet today.

I smilingly walked up to him and in my most kind and sincere voice I told him that I needed to go up to the 13th floor to see Greg Dodge in the church membership records department.

He asked me if I had an appointment. When I told him that I did not he asked me the nature of my visit. I then told him that I wanted to see how large the department was...I could see that the “FARCE” was strong in I changed tactics.... and decided to show him my signs and tokens.

As I began to slash my hand across my throat, I sensed an interruption in the “FARCE“ so I symbolically slashed my chest and then my bowels.

He growled at me and told me that I was in the wrong building, that those signs and tokens had no power in this building...he then waved a magnetic card in front of my face.... and said that this was the only way that a person could get to the highest level.

What! I was stocked, I wondered if the general church population knew that they needed a magnetic card to get the highest levels.

Was this another new church doctrine that the general membership doesn’t know about.

So as NOT to be defeated in my quest...I decided to take the COB Observation Deck Tour.

I was determined to show church security that I could in fact get to the top without the use of a Mormon magnetic card.

I returned to Sister **** acting as a never-mo and asked her about the tour...seeing a prospective baptism being credited to her efforts, she eagerly volunteered to take me to the top.

While on the tour she shared with me several important Mormon doctrines; and I swear this is true; that some pioneer children, who died on route to SLC, were buried in toolboxes. She was playing to my feelings...but I didn't let her tactic deter me from my mission.

Seeing that I was unmoved she told me that several of her very own ancestors (in her own words) "Died IN the Plane" ...upon hearing this I expressed my condolences and asked how many others had died in this plane crash...she got this look in her eyes and said...Oh no not p-l-a-n-e..its p-l-a-i-n; they died in the plain. Ok I’m an ass...(smile on my face). But acting as a Never-Mo...I didn't want to assume anything and I didn't.

She was a kind elderly volunteer widow lady and I didn’t want to take advantage of her...but I had to get a few digs I told her that I was in town and decided to see what the “HELL” this building was all about. Yeah I swore right in front of her in the COB...she got this nervous look and kinda let out a little giggle. But I made it too the TOP Half Time the score is “COB 1 Paxton 0” , as I haven’t YET gotten to that elusive thirteenth floor...

I swear that portions of the afore mentioned story are as true as the foundational claims of mormonsim....
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LDS Church Releases Anti-Demonic Water Filters
Wednesday, Jul 13, 2005, at 01:37 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
LDS Church Releases Anti-Demonic Water Filters

By Moroni Marten (rmw)

SALT LAKE CITY – The LDS church has released a series of water filters designed to filter out "demons." According to a press release, the LDS church has been working for years to design and produce water filters that would address the issue of "Satanic control" of the waters. According to a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants, which is purported to be direct revelations from God, the waters in the last days have been cursed and in control of Satan.

"The episodes of strange demonic water problems among LDS members has increased substantially over the last few years," declared Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle of the LDS church. "We are aware of the increasing power Satan has over the waters and the Church has countered with the release of these holy filters."


Church records indicate that accidents on the water have increased ten fold over the last few years. The documented cases of "possession of demons" resulting from "consuming demonic water" has also sky-rocketed. The most well-known case of "possession of demons" came last year when the daughter of Elder Henry B. Eyring was severely possessed and is currently institutionalized.


The LDS church first began addressing the problem by forming the "Water Purification Committee" last February. According to one member of the new committee, the water filters of various sizes are purchased commercially, but are then "blessed and set apart by a member of the high priesthood" as a protection against demons. "No Satanic spirit can penetrate a filter blessed and set apart by the Melchizedek Priesthood," said Elder Scott.

The first "demon free" swimming pool filled by passing water through the newly blessed filters opened last month and since then several other swimming and recreational facilities have been using "demon free" water.


It may be some time, however, before a large body of water such as a lake will be "demon free," although an attempt to do just that was tried in late April.

"A high-ranking member of LDS church tried to bless Pineview Reservoir in northern Utah to de-demonize it without using any filters, but it failed and he was almost drowned by the demons," said an anonymous source. Apparently, the only way to free water from Satan's control is by passing the water through the blessed filters.


In a testing period last July, the filters were reported to have worked "beautifully." The filters will be available in various sizes for sink taps, hoses, bathtubs, showerheads, and even irrigation devices. Some LDS farmers are ecstatic about the filters. "I was very worried that demonized water would get into my corn," said Jack Burrows, a Utah farmer. "The last thing I wanted was to have some people get possessed from eatin' my corn."


The filters will be sold at distribution centers in September and will be available to order online by the end of the year.
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New Mormon Barbie From Mattel
Friday, Jul 15, 2005, at 11:05 AM
Original Author(s): Susieq#1
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

In celebration of Barbie's 40th birthday, Mattel has created a Mormon Barbie for the folks in Utah.

The most popular, Celestial Barbie, comes with 8.4 children. She wears a mid-calf flower print Laura Ashley dress with conservative flats (no heels), a bow in her flowing shoulder-length hair, with puffy bangs. Barbie wears a permanent smile and comes with her own bread making machine, store of wheat, list of ways to feed a family of 12 on less than $200 a week, casserole recipes, and year's supply of green Jell-O.

Also available MAV (Dodge/Ford/Nissan/whatever mini-van, otherwise known as a Mormon Assault Vehicle). When you pull the cord in her back she sheds real tears and says, "You have such a special spirit, Sister," and "Love ya." Occasionally you can find one that say "Oh, my heck!" but this is a manufacturer's defect. Celestial Barbie would never say "heck."

You can buy a Celestial Ken to go with Celestial Barbie, but he's hard to find. (he's always off fulfilling some priesthood calling, so he's rarely home.)

Other Special LDS Barbies include: RM Barbie - This somewhat dumpy Barbie comes with your choice of a BYU or Ricks sweatshirt and mini computer, and bears her testimony in a foreign language.

Homemaking Leader Barbie - Comes with a wide assortment of miniature baking, sewing, and craft supplies.

Primary President Barbie - Not very popular, since this one has no hair. Pull her cord and she sings "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree," "Give Said the Little Stream," and folds her arms to remind everyone to be reverent.

RS Presidency Barbies - Sold in sets of three, these Barbies come complete with their own agenda! Also included are mini telephones which come attached to their ears. Batteries required, as these busy little numbers never stop running. No shut off buttons.

YW Leader Barbie - Comes dressed for camp with all necessary equipment, including enough insect repellent for everyone. Bishop Ken also available in camping attire. YW Skippers - Laurels, Mia Maids, and Beehives, all cute as buttons, dressed in flannel nighties for the sleepover. One-piece swimsuits and knee-length shorts outfits also available.

Nursery Leader Barbie - This frazzled, smiling Barbie talks in her own baby-like voice and comes with an assortment of babies and toddlers, storybooks, toys, and a supply of disposable diapers. Be careful, however: on Sundays after church, all this one wants to do is sleep.

Organist Barbie - Has rimmed glasses and comes with her very own spiral-bound hymnal. Sits only--in position to play, with arms bent and fingers extended. Piano also available.

Chorister Barbie - right arm permanently raised to a moving square. Sings seven hymns. Batteries required.

Visiting Teaching Barbies - Sold in sets of two, this is a true collector's item as each set has its own recorded message. Comes with supply of message handouts and plates of birthday and Christmas cookies.

Stake Leader Barbie - comes with a voluminous set of mini leadership manuals.

Salt Lake Leader Barbie - White hair in a hurricane do! Also available: Priesthood leader husband Ken who sits permanently asleep on the stand. Eyes do not open. Snores. Batteries required.
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Baura's Snappy Comebacks To Stupid Questions
Monday, Jul 25, 2005, at 08:27 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
"I know the Church is true."
"That's not a statement about the Church, that's a statement about YOU."

"You need to have more faith."
"I never thought you'd stoop to using the F-word!"

"But, you used to have a testimony."
"'When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.'" (I Corinthians 13:11)

"Oh no, you've fallen away."
"No, I've risen above."

"Don't you want to be with your family in the afterlife?"
"Not if they won't allow me to think my own thoughts."

"But the three witnesses never denied their testimony."
"O. J. Simpson never denied his testimony either."

"Then how do you explain the Book of Mormon?"
"Can my explanation be just as absurd as a guy translating secret golden plates by putting a stolen peep-stone into his hat?"

"Do you think you're smarter than the leaders of the church?"
"I don't think I'm smarter than the College of Cardinals but that doesn't make the Catholic church true."

"But what possible reason could Joseph Smith have had for making it all up?"
"You're an intelligent, creative person; I bet you can think of ten possible reasons all by yourself if you put your mind to it."
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You Might Be On Your Way Out Of Mormonism If
Tuesday, Aug 23, 2005, at 06:57 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
You might be on your way out of Mormonism if....
  • Your heart rate increases dramatically every time you buy a coffee.
  • You buy your new gentile underwear at three a.m. to minimize the chances of being seen by the ward members.
  • The word "apostate" doesn't sound scary anymore, but instead fills you with a sense of pride.
  • The word "endowment" makes you cringe far more than any curse word you know of.
  • Books by D. Michael Quinn now outnumber books by Gerald Lund in your personal library.
  • The increase in cookies brought to your door has increased by 300%
  • You're caught snoring in SM.
  • You don't panic if you're late for SM.
  • You realize that within a moment viewing bits of history that aren't "always helpful" has gone from being troublesome to fascinating.
  • You recieve nastygrams left by chickenshit members in the middle of the night.
  • You only wear garments when your gentile undies aren't clean.
  • 10% of your gross income goes to Fidelity.
  • "Fast" Sunday is a day spent participating in outdoor motorsports.
  • "You" have dominion over the water on Sunday, rather than Satan.
  • You are eager, rather than hesitant, to explain that you are originally from Utah, and a "mormon", well, sort of.
  • You realize George W. Bush claims to receive more revelation from God than President Hinckley does.
  • You stop including middle initials when referring to general authorities.
  • You smirk when the latest temple dedicatory prayer in Latin America refers to the locals as "the children of Lehi."
  • You start finding ways to use temple endowment language in everyday speech.
  • Michael Quinn becomes a household name.
  • You'd rather have a root canal than sit through testimony meeting.
  • You start forming your own political opinions.
  • You know who Fanny Alger is.
  • You no longer think that good feelings during a stirring rendition of "Love One Another" are good evidence that Joseph Smith translated the golden plates.
  • The merest glance at the Book of Abraham facsimilies causes you to giggle.
  • You start reading books with titles like "Why Smart People Believe Weird Things."
  • To avoid boredom, rather than view General Conference, you watched two episodes of Family Matters, a golf tournament, and several infomercials.
  • You decide Carl Sagan was a pretty great guy after all.
  • You declare the proverbial oxe to be in the mire from here on out, and start shopping and seeing movies on Sundays.
  • You can't remember the last time you used the word "moisture."
  • A member of the bishoprick is suddenly assigned as your new home teacher.
  • You actually like Sundays.
  • The thought of going to Home Depot on a Saturday is what now fills you with fear.
  • You watch a movie without even knowing or caring what it's rated.
  • Someone in the movie says "fuck" and you don't feel the need to shrink into your seat.
  • Someone in the movie says "Oh my God" and you don't feel the need to say a prayer of apology for listening.
  • The waitress asks if you'd like a margarita, and rather than being offended by the question, you're offended by the low-quality liquor they use.
  • If your temple recomend interview doesn't get past the first question.
  • You refer to the church president as "Gordo."
  • If you have a new idea of what it means to be "endowed."
  • If you suddenly find all the truth to be "useful."
  • You think Sunstone is too tame.
  • You embrace the "limited geography" theory of the Book of Mormon. (Limited to Joseph's imagination, that is.)
  • You rather enjoy using disparaging acronyms like COB, TSCC, the Morg, etc.
  • You finished more than one of Bob McCue's essays.
  • You completely lose all sense of humanity, morality, and decency and commence a hedonistic lifestyle of debauchery and nihilism, recklessly destroying relationships with everyone you've ever loved, abandoning yourself wholly to the whims of Satan.
  • You think that girl's tattoo and extra earrings look pretty hot, actually.
  • You no longer consider ice tea to be a "hot drink."
  • You've actually inquired as to whether you could get a tithing refund.
  • Your co-worker accuses you of being apostate because you speak with derision about the idea that there's only "one true church" and your response is, "I am apostate. I admit it freely."
  • TBMs suddenly stop acknowleding you exist.
  • You're more annoyed by the billboard advertising a store called "Knee Shorts" than you are by the billboard advertising gay pride day.
  • You find that when discussing Mormonism online you write "the church" rather than "the Church".
  • You actually enjoy the notion that the COB knows exactly who you are behind that avatar and has an extensive file on you.
  • You've tried at least three times to write a letter to family or friends explaining your new views. None of them have necessarily ever been sent.
  • You walk shamelessly into Starbuck's, hold your head up high, and proclaim "I'll have a grande americano". Then when they ask "Room for cream?" you boldly affirm, "Yes!"
  • You know your Riesling from your Hefeweizen.
  • You drink wine in restaurants and actually kind of hope you someone you know walks in.
  • You've had a few drinks and found that afterwards you curiously didn't turn into an abusing raving lunatic with no self-control.
  • You've got a warm feeling inside. This means you either just drank something alcoholic, or you've been fantasizing about life without Mormonism.
  • You go shopping on Sunday and buy a whole case of Mikes Hard Limonade and don't care that your TBM neighbor is driving up from church right when you are hauling it out of your trunk and into the house. (This actually happened to me today!)
  • Your former bishop "drops by" and you tell him to make an appointment next time. Then when he calls to make an appointment and asks your kid to speak with you and they say, "Just a minute." then they tell you, It's the bishop, he wants to speak with you. You say, "Take a message. I'm busy." loud enough to make sure he can hear you in the background.
  • You have more gay and minority friends than TBM friends.
  • You think the Catholic church is actually more progressive and less abusive than Mormonism.
  • You fantasize about painting a big Golden arches on the absurd plastic white steeple on the brick ward house every time you drive by.
  • Everytime you see a mormon missionary you yell, "brainwashers!" and fantasize about asking them how many wives Joseph Smith had and how many of them were married to other men when he married them.
  • You think it's more important to be a good person than a good Mormon.
  • You discover that most people are not looking for "the one true church."
  • You realize that dismissive, monolithic phrases like "the philosophy of the world" and "the teachings of men" are pretty inadequate given the thousands of different philosophies and ideas available in the marketplace of ideas.
  • You decide that being peculiar just for the sake of being peculiar is pretty silly.
  • You wonder just how in the name of all that's holy they got you to believe that God cares what kind of underwear you wear.
  • If you'd rather spend an afternoon with Todd Compton than with Gordon B. Hinckley.
  • You feel more sympathy for the missionaries than you do pride.
  • Now you only dread Sunday nights, and not Saturday nights, too.
  • You spend SM either sleeping, reading "gentile" literature on your PDA, or at 7-11/Starbucks.
  • You have more twinges of guilt while standing behind a little old lady digging for enough change to pay the cashier at the grocery than you do while you're skipping church.
  • You begin to ponder whether maybe gays really were just made that way.
  • You'd rather listen to Miles Davis than Michael McLean.
  • You accept that abortion is not a black-and-white issue.
  • You think that being on a pedestal is quite possibly not as good as being in charge.
  • a sister-in-law says what you're doing will impact the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of others including those not yet born
  • your brother asks what kind of hideous sin you are covering up with this "concern" about church history
  • your father says he fears Satan has his hooks into you
  • your father says he fears Satan controls everything you do
  • you've met with your bishop and you ask him what he would do if he was bishop of the Nauvoo 4th Ward in 1842 and Joseph Smith asked for his wife or daughter for plural marriage
  • your bishop completely deflates at the question
  • you've met with someone from the stake presidency who ends up saying priesthood leaders are often left to their own [ie there is no frequent revelation] in their callings but "the church does a lot of good"
  • this same member of the stake presidency accepts your challenge to purchase and read Grant Palmer's An Insider's View of Mormon Origins.
  • you come to the conclusion that the teachings of the LDS church amount to no more than THE PHILOSOPHIES OF MEN MINGLED WITH SCRIPTURE
  • Your new super-secret behavior is hanging-out at "A View from the Foyer" or "RFM"
  • Your bishop is the only one you know who thinks you might be gay
  • Various forms of the word "offend" start appearing in proximity to your name during ward gossip sessions
  • You get little notes in the mail regarding how much your "interesting" point of view has been missed in priesthood meeting
  • Your spouse suddeny has more friends in the church than ever
  • Your bishop starts talking to you about how he doesn't want to have to "take care" of your wife and raise your children
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Updated Primary Penny Song
Tuesday, Aug 30, 2005, at 08:41 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Five pennies make a nickel, two nickels make a dime,
Ten dimes will make a dollar, how we'll make them shine.

Ten dollars make a sawbuck, and now it isn't funny,
For sawbucks turn to C-notes, and that's a lot of money.

Ten million of those C-notes, piled deep and tall,
Can fruitfully be spent, in acquiring a mall.

And when we own the mall, we'll run it as we choose;
We'll close it every Sunday, but we'll sell a lot of booze.
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General Relief Society Board Recommends 14th Article Of Faith
Wednesday, Sep 14, 2005, at 08:11 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
SALT LAKE CITY--A spokeswoman for the General Relief Society Board announced late yesterday afternoon the Board's submittal of a 14th Article of Faith to the First Presidency of the Mormon Church. If accepted, it would constitute the first change in this quasi-scriptural statement of faith penned by LDS founder Joseph Smith.

"Not that there's anything wrong with the first thirteen," said Sister JoMaryEllen Hanks. "It's just that none of them really get to the core of what we think it means to be Mormon. We propose to change that."

The amendment reads: "We believe in being perky, cheerful, sprightly, energetic, jolly and merry in all things, at all times, even at funerals, or loss of limb, or if you totally missed the rubber stamp workshop at Scrapp 'n Snip, or if our Prozac prescription ran out."

According to Sister Hanks, "Nothing in this life is so dreary that a happy smile can't make it better. If you know that Heavenly Father loves you, what's a little sexual molestation or heart disease? In the eternal scheme of things, what does it matter if your child is killed by a drunk driver? She's now living in the Celestial Kingdom, cheering you on!"

Observers believe this proposal is a timely move on the part of the Relief Society General Board.

"Sometimes I just feel like crying all day long," said Mindee Smith of the LDS Hillview Ward. "All these kids at home, a husband I never see, dinner to cook, a Primary lesson to prepare. But then I remember to smile and even though it doesn't really fix anything, at least I'm not a poor reflection on my husband or the Church."

Some critics, however, worry that the proposed article goes too far.

Said Karl Messenger, LDS Institute Director at Weber State, "I don't care for the word 'sprightly.' I worry about the senior citizens among us who might feel guilty about their wheelchairs and walkers."

Still, proponents note that even old folks can "paint on a smile for the greater good," although their nurses point out that they are more likely to drool on themselves. "At least they can slobber cheerfully," said Hanks.

"We want our people to mourn in a jolly fashion, suffer merrily, labor energetically, endure illness cheerfully, because anything else might suggest to the world that we have problems, and that simply will never do in the Kingdom of Heaven! I bear testimony to the fact that happiness is all about looking good, no matter how you feel," Hanks added.

Proponents of the additional Article of Faith say that its message is in more than just the words. The printed version ends with a smiley face rather than with the usual period. "It's perkier that way," said Hanks. "You just have to smile! And that's really what it means to be a Mormon, right?"

The First Presidency is expected to rule favorably on the Relief Society Board's proposal in time for a final announcement at the Church's Fall General Conference.
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What Makes You Laugh When You Look Back At Your Life In Mormonism?
Friday, Sep 23, 2005, at 06:59 AM
Original Author(s): Susieq#1
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
I plan on staying young snickering and laughing at the goofiness of Mormonism! Humor, as they say, is the best medicine and not taking Mormonism seriously has been great fun since leaving it!

Sometimes I forget just how funny it was!

A little walk through memory lane:

I still laugh daily about the goofiness of Mormonism and the funny stuff that happened!

I snicker at the time the High Council speaker was talking in that dry, monotone drone telling us the same things over and over like we were little kids in Primary and the bishop was asleep on the stand and snoring.

I have a good laugh at myself all decked out in that silly, outlandish temple dress and robes and backwards veil and ghastly green apron talking in hushed tones like we were afraid we would wake the dead!

I laugh at myself checking the seats in the temple with my hand to see if they are dry before I sit down because a bunch of really old members had just left the session and I hoped they were wearing their Depends!

I laugh at all the garment lace trim I saw on the women who could not keep their underwear - underwear!

I laugh at the men in their well worn, thread-bear polyester white shirts with their garment line (the smile!) showing through with that humble-arrogance (figure that one out).

I laugh at the serious Stake President going on and on and counseling (not by commandment, he said) the young people in how to address the "brethren" as Bishop and President and not refer to the local bishop whose first name was Bud as: "This Bud's for You"!

I laugh at the "sister" who bore her testimony about how she was healed from a urinary tract infection (she did not actually say urinary tract infection, but we got the point) and had no pain sitting on the organ bench that morning!

I laugh at the "sister" who was called upon unexpectedly to say a closing prayer when we were studying the poet Robert Frost in the "Out of the Best Books" series in Relief Society (when we really learned something) and thanked Heavenly Father for the wonderful lesson on Jack Frost.

I laugh at the "brother"who was playing a word game in our home with other members and said: "orgasm" when he meant to say organism and no one missed a beat and ignored his faux pax!

I laugh at the little child who thanked Heavenly Father in her testimony for her "brothers and sisters" and she did not have any "sisters."

What strikes you funny about Mormonism?
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A Goldie Oldie For Your Sabbath Entertainment
Thursday, Sep 29, 2005, at 07:27 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning
(Tune: "Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning" created by Jillian 07/17/2001)

Welcome, welcome Sabbath Morning. Time for church but we don't care.
While the Mormons rush to meetings we are glad we won't be there.
Hassled moms and fussy children. Priesthood dads in shirt and tie.
They go through this torture weekly, but I can't imagine why!


Welcome, welcome, Sabbath Morning. Time for church, but we don't care.
While the Mormons rush to meetings we are glad we won't be there.

Sunday worship for the Mormons with the group they call the 'ward'.
All three meetings smashed together - spend three hours being bored.
Cram three wards into one building. People crowding through the doors.
Blocs meet morning, noon or evening; just be sure you go to YOURS.


See the boys serve priesthood functions, as the girls sit looking sweet.
An important message sending, every week it will repeat.
As these young girls grow to women, they will leave the church behind.
Those who understand their value, are the ones they want to find.


Sit and listen, don't ask questions. Lessons tell us all we need.
Even though your brain is itching, just ignore it. Pay no heed.
Correlation wrote the manual, extra facts will just confuse.
If the members start to ponder, think how many they might lose.

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You Might Be A Mormon If
Friday, Oct 28, 2005, at 09:30 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
You might be a Mormon if...
  • You have a lot more Grand Grandmas than Great Grandpas.
  • Gladys Knight is your favorite black recording artist ... in fact, she might be your favorite black person ...
  • You have told people that Salt Lake City is an important cultural centre.
  • You have told people that BYU is a "great academic institution".
  • One of your kids was accepted by several Ivy League schools and BYU, and went to the "Y" because "some things are more important than education".
  • You have mentioned the outcome of a college football game while praying at any time during the past month.
  • You think God cares about college football.
  • When you smash your thumb with a hammer you say something like "FEEEEEEETCH!".
  • You tasted wine once, thought it was disgusting, and have wondered ever since how anyone could like it.
  • When that nice investment advisor promised you that your money would triple next month if you gave it to him to invest for you, you felt so wonderful inside that you knew God was finally going to bless you so that you could pay off your first, second and third mortgages and go on a mission!
  • You are profoundly overweight, seldom exercise, and feel righteous when while enjoying your second desert at the buffet restaurant you see a guy who looks like he runs marathons abusing his body by drinking a glass of wine.
  • You tell people that you cannot disclose anything about the temple, even though it's online.
  • You pay ten percent of your cat food to the bishop in keeping with the commandment, because you want to be honest in your dealings with your fellow man.
  • You offer 10 percent of your home for use to the local ward
  • You believe the WoW was divinely instituted, despite the fact that people tell you that 'Ol Joe drank beer.
  • You ardently raise your right arm to the square when you sustain tanyone, no matter what it is. For example you raise your right arm to the square when you find out that your best friend is going fly fishing.
  • When someone knocks on your door, you instinctively say in your head, "What is wanted?"
  • When you get a bonus or monetary gift, you immediately deduct 10% in your head to determine how much of it you actually get to keep.
  • You've ever checked the bottom of your shorts legs to make sure your underpants weren't sticking out.
  • All your friends are Mormon.
  • You have to take two vehicles on the family road trip.
  • Your bed sits over several #10 cans of wheat, rice, and potato pearls.
  • You have a child named Lehi or Teancum. Or Mahonri Moriancumr.
  • You can talk about God in a foreign language, but can't conduct business in that same language.
  • You don't know Joseph Smith was a polygamist.
  • You believe that Mayans once cruised the countryside on horseback, weilding steel swords and centurion armor.
  • You refrain from eating Klondike bars because the chocolate coating has liqueur in it.
  • You consider the republican party to be more righteous and worthy than any of the others.
  • You've written Harry Reid to call him to repentance.
  • While dating, a little petting and oral sex was forgivable but you'd die before touching a cup of coffee even once.
  • You see nothing odd about wedding receptions being held at an indoor basketball court.
  • You are sure God directs us to our car keys after a little prayer, but decides not to intervene on our behalf in trivial things like war, abuse and natural disasters .
  • You love,respect and believe in the equality of all of God's children, yet you pray in gratitude that you were valiant enough in the pre-existence to be born into the conditions that you were.
  • You regularly discuss your underwear in private behind a closed door with a 50 year old man - and think nothing about it.
  • You send your adolescent kids into that same room with that same man behind the same closed door - and think nothing of it.
  • You have no problem excluding non-member family from witnessing temple marriage ceremonies, but would scream persecution from the top of your lungs if you are ever denied anything based on your religion.
  • You think families that go to the lake together on Sundays are evil and missing out.
  • You believe that the sun gets its light from a superior star called Kolob (still shaking my head on that one).
  • You call the corner of a school where the only two non-Mormon teachers have classrooms, "outer darkness."
  • You think tank tops are immoral.
  • You believe people who drink are immoral.
  • The Local food bank comes to you asking for food during disasters.
  • You don't drink tea or coffee, but have no problem drinking hot chocolate, Mountain Dew, Coke, Pepsi, Surge, and Herbal Teas
  • You think people who have mohawks and earrings in their nose look funny, but think you look cool sporting a green apron and a chiefs cap
  • Have ever considered flirting with a coworker when your married because the law against polygamy could be lifted any time and you want to keep your prospects open.
  • Refuse to watch historically accurate films and documentaries because they are rated R
  • Think National Geographic is a porno mag.
  • You know what the hell the term "Miamaid" means.
  • You have children and grandchildren of approx. the same age.
  • You carry a briefcase to church every sunday for no apparent reason.
  • You attained the rank of Eagle, but don't know the scout, oath, motto, or really a damn thing about the boy scouts.
  • You have a brother named "Jared"...making you, of course..."The Brother of Jared".
  • You know how to pronounce the names "Nephi", "Lehi", and many other names of make-believe characters.
  • The term "My Heck" doesn't sound completely f'ing stupid to you.
  • You use the term "Negro" out of respect for one of another race than you.
  • You consider Thurl Bailey to be the wisest and most entertaining of all "Negroes".
  • Your most hated football team is whoever happens to be playing against BYU on any given weekend.
  • You are a total weenie, you associate only with total weenies, and you are completely unaware of it.
  • It's ok for you to have sex, repent and go on a mission...but you will marry only a virgin.
And lots more ...
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'Twas The Night Before Smithmas
Friday, Oct 28, 2005, at 09:35 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
I figured with the upcoming Joseph Smith extravaganza planned around Christmastime, it might be a good idea to modify an old Christmas standard to help celebrate:

‘Twas the night before Smithmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The scriptures were placed on the nightstand with care,
In hopes that the Prophet Joe soon would be there;

All twelve children nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of golden books danced in their heads;
And ma in her garmies and I in the same,
Had just sat down for a non-face-card game,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I opened the curtain,
But what it was I could not see quite for certain.

The moon on the snow down below on the ground
Shone as bright as the noonday Sun all around,
When, what, in wondering awe I should see,
But the prophet, President Gordon Hinckley!

I knew it was him, for behind him there stood
Valiant apostles of the holy priesthood.
All in their suits and conservative ties,
And he called them by name with a gleam in his eyes;

To the ends of the Earth, from Belize to Nepal!
Now preach away! Preach away! Preach away all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So right down the streets these apostles flew,
With bio’s of Hinckley, signed by Sheri Dew.

And then, with the knock I heard at the door,
Down the stairs in a single, big bound I did soar.
As I turned the knob it flew open and in
Marched President Hinckley and his Book of Mormon.

He was dressed like an Elder, what an example!
And wrinkles, there was not a doubt he had ample.
He started at once to preach to me of Joe,
That prophet of old, of whom we all do know.

Said he, “Joseph Smith helped Jesus to save us!
Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it marvelous?
He taught us of temples! He taught us of wives!
Heck, Briggy took all his new spouses in fives!”

Then after he finished his brainwashing talk,
To the family table the old man did walk.
From his sack he took out all manner of things,
From scriptures, to Ensigns, to CTR rings;

He left the lot with us so we could all learn
How true the church must be and feel our hearts burn;
He said to me, “Brother, don’t forget to pay
Your tithes to the church, so you’ll eat well each day.”

He walked out the door just as quick as he came,
And went to the next house to do just the same;
But I heard him exclaim, ere he walked out of sight,
“Merry Smithmas to all, and to all a good night!”
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Pocket Home Teacher 1.3
Friday, Nov 4, 2005, at 08:08 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

"PocketHT is a Home Teaching Tracker. If you do not recognize the term Home Teaching, then this program will be of little use to you. This program will help you track your home teaching visits. Simply add a family on the Family tab, add family members if you wish. Then record when you make your monthly visit to the family. You can use the Members Tab to track birthdays and callings. At the end of the month, when you need to report your hometeaching, you can do so with confidence and accuracy. Home Teaching is an important calling."

"Requirements: Dedication, Love, and a Willing Heart"

If you just threw up a little in your mouth - you are not alone.
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Playing Basketball With Jesus
Friday, Nov 4, 2005, at 08:43 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

I hate playing basketball with Jesus! C'mon man, give us the ball!
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How Many Mormon Apologists Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Tuesday, Nov 8, 2005, at 09:32 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
How many Mormon apologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 30.

One to screw it in, three to "peer review" it, and 26 others to explain why the lightbulb never turned on (or maybe it did, but that depends on your definition of "light" and how it relates to the perception of man, and/or the social limitations of the 1800's and the effects on our customs today, and/or the fact that we don't know *exactly* what the lightbulb was made of, and therefore it may or may not of given off light as witnessed, but it's sacred and we can't talk about "the details" of this matter).
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BYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism
Tuesday, Nov 8, 2005, at 01:16 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
PROVO, UT - A team of physicists from Brigham Young University announced yesterday that they have succeeded in converting a tiny particle of matter into the truth and sanctity of the Book of Mormon.

Enlarge ImageBYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism

According to BYU physicists, the new Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator may someday enable Mormons to proselytize "cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

"This opens up a new world of possibilities for the Church," said Zebulon Calhoun, a particle physicist and Priest of the Melchizedek Order. "We can now conceive of a time in the near future when we will be able to proselytize cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

The breakthrough occurred at the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator, a giant, hollow tube buried 90 feet below the Bonneville Salt Flats. The tube was unearthed in 1986 by Mormon archaeologists after the President of the Church beheld a vision of a "splendiferous airy ring submerged by the Nephites as a final tabernacle before the great cataclysm."

To trigger the matter-to-Mormonism conversion, a microgram of the element strontium is ordained by the doctrine and arcana of the Urim and Thummim, then bombarded by a high-energy photon traveling at four-fifths the speed of light.

Strontium was chosen for the project because "of all the elements it is the most unstable and therefore the most likely to react strongly to common-sense teachings."

According to Calhoun, though the conversion was invisible to the naked eye, subatomic "fingerprints" left by the collision reveal that for a brief period, the neutrons and protons in the nuclei of the atoms were actually fused together by faith in Jesus Christ and his Gospel as restored through his latter-day prophet, Joseph Smith. Though the Mormon Church has acheived great success with its missionary work in the past, the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator is expected to revolutionize its recruitment efforts.

Enlarge ImageBYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism jump

"Within 50 years," Calhoun said, "the Mormonism contained in the atoms of just a single glass of water will be enough to convert a city the size of St. Louis."

Despite widespread enthusiasm, many Church Elders remain cautious.

"When you're dealing with a high-tech religious converter like this, you always run the risk of a terrible accident," Gadzekiel Foley said. "The last thing we need to worry about is a possible Mormon meltdown."

"I don't think we will ever find a replacement for good old-fashioned missionary work," agreed Gad Jones, Church Elder and president of BYU's Overseas Studies Program. "In terms of spreading goodwill and interest in our faith, all the atoms in the world still can't do what was once done by a little bit of country and a little bit of rock 'n' roll."

With its new converter, the Mormon Church should leap well ahead of its religious competitors. Catholic scientists are still experiencing technical problems with their guilt-fusion reactor, a device critics say requires such high levels of devotional prayer to reach operating temperature that it may never be cost effective.

The Lutheran Church has struggled as well, as its Missouri Synod Project, once touted as the forgiveness generator of tomorrow, has yet to produce its first high-energy, room-temperature Lutheran.

Only Hinduism has been able to keep pace with the Mormons, maintaining its longtime dominance in the field of Reincarnatronic technology.
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On The Effectiveness Of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study
Thursday, Nov 10, 2005, at 01:25 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive abilities. We theorize that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

Time to switch to Wax Paper Hats.
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LDS Church Builds First Floating Temple
Friday, Nov 11, 2005, at 09:17 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Moroni Marten has put up a great article on the new floating temple:
SOMEWHERE IN THE PACIFIC – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has just completed the first "floating temple" which is used for important sacred ordinances for its members. In an exclusive interview, temple president Elder Mark F. Johnson, explains its purpose.
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Why Does Everybody Hate Me?
Thursday, Nov 24, 2005, at 08:47 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Satan has stopped by The Onion to write a few words.
"I've tried, I really have, but nothing ever goes right for me. Everywhere I go, it's the same thing: people talking about me like I'm not even there, saying how terrible I am. Telling other people not to walk in my path. Urging that I be shunned and reviled, and commanding me in the name of all that is holy to get myself behind them. I swear, sometimes it seems like everybody thinks I'm the worst entity in creation."
And the best line:
"I can't even possess a lousy 10-year-old girl without some geezer in a white collar screaming "The power of Christ compels you!" in my face and insisting that I leave immediately. Look, I just want to connect with a human being for a little while! Levitate a few beds, spin a couple necks around, have some deep, throaty laughs. Is that so wrong?"
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Deseret Book's Kid Game "Split The Ward" Should Be Changed To "Combine The Wards"
Monday, Dec 5, 2005, at 08:04 AM
Original Author(s): Jerry The Aspousetate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Notice to Deseret Book Christmas Catalog 2005 designer:

On page 84 you have the game for ages 8 and up.

"Split the Ward. The Happy Valley 314th Ward needs your help! In this amusing action-packed game, you and your friends have been called to rearrange some zany characters into new leadership positions. For 2 to 6 players, ages 8 and up."

My suggestion to you Mormons monitoring this board is that you come out with a new version. Start now for your Smithmas 2006 Catalog.

"Combine the Wards. Each player has a ward with zany characters. Due to the exodus from the One True Church brought about by the internet most of the saints got smart and left. You must rearrange the remaining fools into new leadership positions. For 2 to 12 players, 70s and up."

Pay Lay Ale
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The Twelve Days Of Smithmas
Friday, Dec 9, 2005, at 09:47 AM
Original Author(s): Resignedinmay
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
The Twelve Days of Smithmas

On the first day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
A guilt trip throughout all eternities.
On the second day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
two wards combining
On the third day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
three Comorah locations
On the fourth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
four unfound cultures
On the fifth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
five tombago plates
On the sixth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
six temple changes
On the seventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Seven members leaving
On the eight day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Eight maids to marry
On the ninth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
nine ladies on Prozac
On the tenth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
ten malls from tithing
On the eleventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
eleven Kirtland bank notes

On the twelfth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
twelve old men droning,
eleven Kirtland bank notes
ten malls from tithing
nine ladies on Prozac
eight maids to marry
Seven members leaving
six temple changes
fiiiiiiive tombago plates,,,,,,
four unfound cultures
three Comorah locations
two wards combining
And a guilt trip throughout all eternities.
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Have Yourself A Merry Little Smithmas
Friday, Dec 9, 2005, at 09:50 AM
Original Author(s): Jennyfoo
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Sung to the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" of course.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Smithmas

Have yourself a Merry little Smithmas
Try with all your might
To believe your brain cells must not be quite right.

Have yourself a merry little Smithmas
Tithing you must pay
From now on finances are in disarray

Do not believe anti-Mormon lies
It's not doctrine any more
Faithful members will shut off their brains
science and archeology ignore

Through the years the church will hold together
If truth we don't allow
To avenge the prophets we must take a vow
And have ourselves a merry little Smithmas now.

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Dr. Suess for LDS Women
Tuesday, Dec 20, 2005, at 08:09 AM
Original Author(s): Author Unknown
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
You could do what I do if you only knew how.

I study the scriptures one hour each day,
I bake, I upholster, I scrub and I pray
I always keep all the commandments completely.
I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.
I help in their classrooms, I sew all they wear.
I drive them to practice, I cut all their hair.

I go to the temple at least once a week;
I change the car's tires and fix the sink's leak.
I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,
But that is not all, oh no, that is not all!

I play the piano and work on my talents;
My life is a wonder of fullness and balance.
I read to my children, I help all my neighbors.
I bless my community, too, with my labors.
Our family home evenings are always delightful;
The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.
I do genealogy faithfully, too.
It's easy to do all the things that I do.

I have a home business to help make some money;
I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.
My visiting teaching is done the first day;
I exercise, and I cook menus gourmet.
I can garden produce each summer and fall,
but that is not all, oh no, that is not all!

"It's easy," she said,
And then she dropped dead!
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Christmas In Zarahemla - A Poem For Smithmas
Thursday, Dec 22, 2005, at 08:44 AM
Original Author(s): Sl Slacke
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Twas the night before Christmas, in fair Zarahemla
Where two seons of gold won't fetch half a limnah
Since the buildings all crumbled and smashed to the ground
Over dead, bloody people heaped up in a mound.

The children were strewn over sharp rocky beds
While visions of cureloms danced in their heads
And Mamma with her bleeding and my fractured thigh
Had just settled down to curse God and die.

When out in the rubble arose such a clatter
I strained my head up to see what was the matter
And peered o'er the stones - my eyes flew like a tapir
just stabbed in a battle with an iron-tipped rapier

The sky covered up by black clouds of debris
Hid the frenzied, cold wounded still trying to flee
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a pinprick of light growing steadily nearer

From a man clothed in white, his robe open in front
Like a pimp-daddy lounge singer pulling some stunt
When a voice still and small wafted over the snow
That pierced to my soul, "Folks it's time for the show!

"Come hear Jesus, my son, in whom I'm well pleased
Who helped ravage your cities with death and disease!"
So I looked and saw Him light down from the sky
Landing on top of and crushing some elderly guy.

I stared right into this holy hipster's breast
Which was shaven as freshly as his chin, legs, and the rest
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

He was fit as a stallion, and smelled of chlorine
From that Heavenly hot tub where he stashed Ann, Meg, and Doreen
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He'd scarcely arrived when he went straight to work
Proclaiming himself emperor, the self-righteous jerk
Then he invited the young and the old not yet dead
To forget their own wounds and check his out instead

Then he quickly got bored and started to rise
Up and lecture us all on how to baptize
He laid out every detail as if I should care
About proper procedures when one missed a few hairs.

Then to prove that he wouldn't leave us all in a lurch
He took care to expound on the name of his Church.
Then he healed some of the injured who had faith to heal
And suggested they forget dead friends who lacked zeal.

Now laying a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up to heaven he rose.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
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New Song To Celebrate Smithmas Eve
Friday, Dec 23, 2005, at 08:58 AM
Original Author(s): Wine Country Girl
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
(Tune: I want a hippopotamus for Christmas)

I want a church apologist for Smithmas
Only a church apologist will do.
No atheist, no ex-mormon or jew
Cuz all they ever say is lousy stuff that isn’t true!

I want a church apologist for Smithmas,
That Van Hale guy or Daniel Peterson.
Don't want Mike Quinn or Simon Southerton.
Those "so called" intellecuals are always poking fun.

I want a church apologist for Smithmas
Only a church apologist will do!

I can see me now on Smithmas Morning,
what an exmormon surprise,
When I open up my eyes
to see a church apologist standing there!

I want a church apologist for Smithmas,
That Van Hale guy or Daniel Peterson.
Don't want Mike Quinn or Simon Southerton.
Those "so called" intellecuals are always poking fun.
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The LDS Church Revises Procedures In Response To Celestial Hacking
Tuesday, Jan 3, 2006, at 08:01 AM
Original Author(s): Danite
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Previously, endowment ceremonies involved assigned a secret username and handshake protocols in order to log into the Celestial Kingdom after death. For several decades, this level of security was sufficient. However, with the advent of the internet, these secret user names and handshake protocols are now available to the general public resulting in several unauthorized entries into the Celestial Kingdom.

In response to this rise in reports of spiritual identity theft, LDS leadership responded by instituting more security safeguards into its sacred temple ceremonies. LDS members will now be required to select a Celestial Pin Number immediately upon receiving their secret username. Furthermore, the static signs, symbols and handshakes procedure is replaced by a more secure procedure where words and body positions will be determined on-the-fly by Celestial token randomization software.

LDS Members hail these new cutting-edge innovations in religious technology as a Godsend.

"It's not fair that I spend an entire lifetime abstaining from coffee and liquor just to have smoker Joe Shmoe down the street use the internet to fake his way into the Celestial Kingdom. These new security revelations are proof that the church is true," said Nephi Jorgenson of Provo, Ut.
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Zion's Visiting Teaching Service
Wednesday, Jan 25, 2006, at 02:13 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
  • Is Visiting teaching / Home teaching getting you down?
  • Can't get your Leader off your back?
  • Is Visiting Teaching interfering with your TV and manicure?
  • Is Home teaching cutting into your personal time?
We can help!

At Zion's Visiting Teaching Service we'll do your Visiting/Home Teaching for you. For a small monetary fee we will send one of our trained representatives to the homes of your families.
  • Basic Visit . . $10
  • Basic Visit plus Spiritual Message . . $15
  • Birthday and anniversary cards, in addition to the Basic Visit and Spiritual Message . . $20
Is $20 too much to pay for peace of mind?

Call us at 1-800-752-2537. That's 1-800-Slacker.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

Check Out Our New Services!

Meetings: We will send a representative to the appropriate meeting to take notes for you and report back.
  • Ward Council Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30
  • Ward Council Meeting w/ written report . . .$50
  • Presidency Meetings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • PEC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$25
  • Sacrament Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • Sunday School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$20
  • Priesthood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • 3-hour Sunday Block (best value) . . . . . . . . . $50
PLEASE NOTE: Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings

Call us at 1-800-752-2537. That's 1-800-Slacker.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

Talks and Lessons!

Did a bishopric member call and assign you a talk? Tired of wasting Saturday night preparing a lesson? Well, free up your time and just read one of our professionally prepared talks and lessons. No need to spend countless hours poring through books, writing and praying. We'll do it for you!
  • Basic Talk (any subject assigned) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • Scripture Talk (basic + 5 scriptures) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30
  • Deluxe Talk (scripture + 1 poem + 2 G.A. quotes) . . . . . . $40
All talks are guaranteed to last 15 minutes. Add $1 for each additional minute
  • Basic Lesson (40 minutes) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $25
  • Deluxe (Basic + visual aides) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$35
  • Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$45
* Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote.

* Due to lower expectations, Priesthood lessons receive a 10% discount.

Call us at 1-800-752-2537. That's 1-800-Slacker.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

Introducing our Bundle Buys and Frequent Shopper Plan!

Bundle any 3 services and receive a 20% discount. Receive one free Basic talk or lesson with any 10 purchases.

There you have it! We take all the work off of your shoulders and put ours to the wheel just for you.

Casserole Service!

If you just can't possibly throw together food for various Ward occasions,


Our basic services include:
  1. Funeral Potatoes
  2. Green Bean/Mushroom Soup with Crunchy Onions
  3. Green Jell-O with Carrots
  4. Spinach Dip in a Bread Bowl
  5. CheezWiz/Tater Tot Surprise
For only $15 (plus deposit) each delivered to your house with Corningware marked with your name! They'll never know you didn't make 'em!
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If You ... You Might Be A Mormon
Wednesday, Mar 15, 2006, at 07:51 AM
Original Author(s): Marvelous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
If all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape...
You might be a Mormon.

If you postdate your checks while shopping on Sunday...
You might be a Mormon.

If you believe Heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh...
You might be a Mormon.

If your Mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception...
You might be a Mormon.

If you pray that your food might "nourish and strengthen your body" before eating doughnuts...
You might be a Mormon

If you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups...
You might be a Mormon

If at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house...
You might be a Mormon

If you've ever written a "Dear-John" to more than two missionaries on the same day....
You might be a Mormon

If you were frustrated when your son "only" got accepted to Harvard...
You might be a Mormon

If you have one kid in diapers and one on a mission...
You might be a Mormon

If you have never arrived at a meeting on time...
You might be a Mormon

If you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries...
You might be a Mormon

If you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"...
You might be a Mormon

If you think it is all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing...
You might be a Mormon

If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining...
You might be Mormon

If you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own burgers...
You might be Mormon

If you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi...
You might be a Mormon

If you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there...
You might be a Mormon
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Commander In Chief Mitt Romney's Top Ten Priorities
Monday, Mar 27, 2006, at 07:53 AM
Original Author(s): Cricket
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Commander in Chief Mitt Romney's Top Ten Priorities

10. Replace office of vice president with offices of First Counselor and Second Counselor

9. Reduce current size of Cabinet from fifteen to twelve to match the number of oxen supporting Mormon temple baptism fonts.

8. Call the Three Nephites to assume the Office of Homeland Security.

7. Disconnect the "Red Phone" from the link to Moscow to a link to Salt Lake City's Church Administration Building.

6. Order all military personnel to wear Mormon temple garments for protection from bullets, fire, knife wounds, weapons of mass destruction and sexually transmitted disease.

5. Suggest to Gordon Hinckley that he call Hillary Clinton as first non-Mormon General Relief Society President in order to get more Democrat votes for his second term.

4. Call Boyd K Packer to head up the Federal Bureau of Investigation into any and everything of a personal nature to young men.

3. Rename the Department of the Interior to the Department of the Inferior and call his wife Ann as the director.

2. Begin each cabinet meeting with gang-like handshakes, tokens, signs and penalties and conclude the meeting with the "True Circle Jerk Order of Prayer."

1. Make Re-formed Egytian the official language of The United Nations.

Can you add any more?
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New Organization To Help Stem Flow Of Apostasy
Monday, Mar 27, 2006, at 07:57 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Concerned about increasing numbers of members leaving the church, an organization (unaffiliated with the LDS church) has been founded to help prevent the increasing numbers of members leaving the church.

The Foundation for Reducing Apostasy In Deseret (FRAID), located on the BYU campus, will spend most of its time researching the Internet habits of church members. A database will be kept of members who access forbidden sites, such as and, and distributed to local bishops.

Bishops will be instructed in a 3-pronged frontal attack on apostasy:

1. Bear your testimony, and ask the member to bear his or her testimony. Remember, a testimony is gained (or in this case, retained) in the bearing of it.

2. Encourage members to immerse themselves in the scriptures. Make sure that their focus is on the revealed word, not on so-called "facts."

3. Let them know their family is depending on them to be a righteous "Savior in Zion." Ask them if they really want to break up their eternal family and have that on their shoulders.

FRAID will continue to monitor Internet activity for 30 days following the member's meeting with the bishop. Alma P. Hixson, Professor of Food Sciences explained what would happen next: "If there are any signs of 'straying,' such as going outside the approved manual for lesson material, FRAID will take appropriate action, depending on the severity of the offense."

1. For minor offenses, such as reading an online Bible commentary, FRAID may place filters on members' computers to prevent accessing such apostate material.

2. For more serious offenses, such as accessing "liberal" Mormon sites, such as Sunstone and Dialogue, FRAID will enter the household and spend some quality time with the offending member watching seminary videos until the member agrees to follow the prophet's counsel.

3. For the worst offenses, such as accessing anti-Mormon sites such as Utah Lighthouse Ministries and the NAACP, members may be brought to the FRAID headquarters at the Spencer Kimball tower on the BYU campus, where they will be given the latest in "reparative therapy" in overcoming this pernicious habit.

Successful trials have been made in Orem, Utah, and Littleton, Colorado, and have been judged successful.

"I don't know what I was thinking," said a dazed looking Bob Smithers, of Orem. "All that bitter and hateful stuff, and I thought I was actually learning. Now I have scars on my genitals to remind me of the strait and narrow path."

"Thanks to FRAID, I learned the dangers of reading Strong's Bible Concordance," said a smiling Sharon Lawrence of Littleton. "I learned so much more from those seminary videos than anything in that wicked book. Help me! Please! They're--"

"Ms. Lawrence needs to rest," said Don Carter of BYU campus security.
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The New Reformed Dirty Talk For Mormons During Intimacy
Monday, Apr 10, 2006, at 09:47 AM
Original Author(s): Dr. Shades
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Now that dirty talk is no longer allowed during intimacy, a person on RFM speculated on what Mormon pillow talk will now be like. In a thread titled "Coming to a TBM bedroom near you (adult)," Huckleberry Hinckley posted the following dialogue:

Woman: I feel prompted that I need to partake of your priesthood tonight.

Man: That's very convenient. I am glad to help you share my endowment.

Woman: It is not meet that God should command in all things.

Man: You look as beautiful as the temple at sunrise on a snowy day in your sacred garments, my love.

I feel we should pray. Heavenly Father, we thank thee for the celestial marital intimacy we are about to receive. We ask that the life force within me will be nourished and strengthened as it makes its way through my wife's body so that it may grow brighter and brighter until the perfect day. In the name of Joseph Christ, Amen.

Woman: Amen. Oh, come lie high on my mountaintops!

Man: Let me enter into your covenant!

Woman: I really feel your spirit. Praise to the manhood!

Man: I'm going to rock you like a pioneer wagon.

Woman: Oh God, hear the screams of my mouth! Oh! Oh! You feel as strong as my mother's testimony!

Man: Come, come ye saints!

Woman: No toil or labor fear! Oh!

Thank you for that blessing. I really felt the spirit.

Man: Honey, would you like to give the closing prayer?

Woman: Heavenly Father, I thank thee for the moisture which I have received. And I would like to apologize for accidentally imagining my husband and I not wearing our sacred garments. I apologize for driving away the Spirit as he was videotaping us together. I was glad he came back later. Once again, I thank thee for being a part of our lives and all the blessings we enjoy. In the name of Joseph Christ, Amen.
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FARMS Opens Campus Doughnut Shop
Tuesday, Apr 25, 2006, at 07:16 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Daniel Midgley-Welch, Food Sciences professor and FARMS contributor, announced today the opening of Kishkumen Kreme doughnuts, which will serve the (literally) larger BYU community in an effort to augment FARMS funding.

"We were in luck," said Midgley-Welch, beaming. "Several FARMS contributors and officers have some expertise in doughnut consumption, so we feel like we have a good product."

According to a FARMS pamphlet, Kishkumen Kreme is an attempt to get back to a more authentic version of the doughnut. "We recently found the original manuscript of the Book of Japheth," said Midgley-Welch. "Joseph Smith had found an ancient doughnut wrapper amid the papyrus fragments of the Book of Abraham. We are so grateful to have his inspired translation."

"Many plain and precious parts of the recipe were lost, and fortunately, the prophet Joseph restored some of these truths in what is now known as the Inspired Version of the Recipe," said Russell P. Lindsay of FARMS. "The emergence of such heretical versions as Krispy Kreme, though motivated by real desire to stay true to the recipe, is proof of the long-prophesied Yeast Apostasy. And don't get me started on Dunkin. Scary."

According to Lindsay, ancient doughnut makers did not have access to sugar, so they used honey. "Joseph called his doughnuts 'Krull-goo-on-Enish-Deseret,' which he translated as fried dough-thingy with honey on it. His explicit use of honey is inexplicable except through the power of revelation."

"Something most members don't know is that the 'knife' in facsimile 1 in the Book of Abraham is really a maple bar," said Corey Pants, amateur Egyptologist. "Hugh Nibley showed parallels between the maple bar and the coronation pageants of ancient Egypt, again proving that Joseph got it right."

To claims that Kishkumen Kreme is merely a bad imitation of Krispy Kreme, Professor DonLoy Peterson sneered, "Who told you that, Tal Tales Bachman? Anything he said, I categorically deny. Yes, there's a vague resemblance, but our doughnuts are the only true and living doughnuts with which God is pleased. It all goes to show that all doughnut-makers have part of the true recipe, but only ours have all of the truth."

One of the first customers, Garth Pendrake of Manti, spat out his first bite. "Dude, that's terrible!"

Peterson smiled and replied, "It's not the doughnut that's bad, it's your attitude. I suggest you eat six a day until you learn to love them. It may take a lifetime, but it will be well worth the effort."
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Church Replaces Scriptures With The Standard Wiki
Thursday, Apr 27, 2006, at 07:36 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
In a major development, the LDS church today announced that it has replaced the standard works of the church (currently the Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price) with a wiki, heretofore to be known as "The Standard Wiki."

"This is a great day for us," said Dallin Oaks of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles. "The technology has finally caught up with our direct line to God. For the first time in our history, we'll have real-time revelation. No more will we have to wait years for a vaguely worded 'official declaration' to be canonized. Now it will just take a little typing and a couple of mouse clicks."

Oaks explained that all members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, in their roles as prophets, seers, and revelators, will have access to the wiki. "It's self-correcting. That's the beauty of it. Suppose that pit bull Packer puts in something bizarre about little factories. Rest assured that at least Nelson and I will be all over it and strike it out immediately."

The wiki is a great way to modernize the church and reject once and for all the outdated personal opinions of past prophets, including Book of Mormon prophets. Oaks explained: "Blood atonement? Gone. Polygamy? Never happened. Book of Abraham? Never heard of it. Anachronisms in the Book of Mormon? Sorry, we don't use that book anymore. We don't use books at all, as a matter of fact."

Church computer specialist Andrew Tanner explained that each member of the leadership will be issued a login ID, and additions and changes will be marked with that person's initials. Tanner demonstrated how the wiki works by typing in the text "The church has no position on skin color and God's curses." The system then displayed the text "Are you really sure this is God's will? Yes, No, Cancel." After Tanner clicked Yes, the system again prompted "Have you prayed about this? Yes, No, Cancel."

Almost immediately, the text began changing to read "God curses whom He will, and the Lamanites and descendants of Cain were stricken with a dark skin as a mark of their loathsomeness--RGS."

"See? It's working already," beamed Tanner.

Oaks admitted that there had initially been some resistance among quorum members to the idea. President Packer had expressed concern that the technology might encourage "doctrinal drift."

"I assured him that as long as the still, small voice guided us, we'd be fine," said Oaks. "Plus, I told him that if he ever ran across undesirable elements in the church, he could simply change church doctrine and then phone their stake presidents and have them excommunicated. After that, he was on board."

Reaction from church members was universally positive. "I can't peel myself away from the computer," said an excited Jill Erickson of Tooele. "I've never watched revelation happen, and I'm afraid if I get up to go to the bathroom, I might miss it."

"This is way cool," said Jared Johnson of New Canaan, CT. "Now I don't have to worry about which doctrines I have to believe, and which I can ignore. They'll do it for me."

Noted apologist Julie Ann Claremont enthused, "This shows that the church is recognizing its own postmodern nature. I've been saying for years that there is no such thing as objective truth, and now even the Brethren agree. It's going to be exciting to watch this play out."

Initially, the church has decided to restrict the wiki to ten printed pages, though at this point, there is no danger of exceeding that limit. So far, the wiki contains only one line from Gordon B. Hinckley: "I don't know that we teach it."
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Church Announces Christmas Devotional Center
Thursday, Apr 27, 2006, at 07:45 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
In a press conference this morning, leaders of the LDS church announced plans to build a special, 21,000-seat auditorium specifically to house the annual First Presidency Christmas Devotional.

"In design, this new building will be much like the conference center, though its purpose will be very different," said Church architect Eldred Pratt.

President Gordon B. Hinckley had long lamented the lack of an appropriate place for the Saints to gather to hear the message of Christmas: "In years past, we settled for adding Christmas decorations--trees, lights, and poinsettias--to the tabernacle and later the Conference Center. But I think the Lord is saddened when we don't show the proper focus on his birth."

After much prayer, President Hinckley said, the "still, small voice of the spirit" whispered that the church should build the new center, which will cost more than $75 million to construct. "No amount of money is too great for our Lord and Savior," he said.

Architects unveiled a model that seemed at first glance identical to the Conference Center. "Notice, however, the subtle Christmas tree motifs throughout the building, the poinsettia gardens on the roof, and the mural of the Nativity on the north wall. We could never have accomplished this with our existing facilities."

"This will be a lasting legacy of faith," said President Hinckley, his voice choked with emotion. "I've saved the last five Christmas trees from my apartment to construct a podium of Douglas fir. Thus, a small piece of me will live on in tribute to the Savior."

The Christmas Devotional Center will be used only the first Sunday of December each year to preserve its unique purpose.

Asked if he felt that the money could be better spent, Hinckley said, "No, I don't think we have any more malls or hotels planned."
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FARMS Scholar Admits Mistake
Wednesday, May 3, 2006, at 07:58 AM
Original Author(s): Tal Bachman
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
AP - Provo

In an unprecedented admission of error, marginalized anthroplogist and Mormon apologist John Sorenson today acknowledged that his identification of Book of Mormon horses as tapirs was incorrect.

"I made a mistake. Fortunately, everyone makes them. I would like to add that this in no way suggests I have made a mistake about the Book of Mormon being historical".

Sorenson's new essay, "At Last, I Have Made The Shoe Fit", takes into consideration recent Book of Mormon textual analysis by BYU researcher Royal Skousen, and developments in post-modernism-inspired exegetical theory, and argues that the BOM term "horses" should never have been thought to refer specifically to any particular animal, let alone members of the equus or perissodactyls family.

Sorenson summarizes his argument this way: "All horses are animals; and all animals are also animals; therefore, all animals are, or can be considered, horses". Sorenson adds, "At one stroke, all the anti-Mormon fuss over this relatively minor issue has now been neutralized, and the Book of Mormon's claims are now safer than ever. I look forward now to getting on with more important Book of Mormon research".

However, even fellow Mormon anthropologists were quick to point out that Sorenson's argument is flawed. "To be honest, John's argument is an example of a very basic fallacy", noted Mormon anthroplogist Deanne Matheny. "I feel embarrassed that he should say such a thing. Unfortunately, the fact remains that there is no basis, within the world of physical reality, for the claim that the Book of Mormon was compiled 1600 years ago, and every reason to believe it was authored in early 1800's America".

At a brief press conference held on the campus at BYU, Sorenson was asked whether because Meg Ryan was an actor, and all actors were actors, if that meant that every actor in the world was Meg Ryan. "I can't answer that question, because I don't know who Meg Ryan is", smiled an unfazed Sorenson.

In a related story, the Brigham Young University Department of Philosophy today announced it would be publishing a jointly authored book entitled, "When Fallacies Are Okay: A Primer On Defending Mormonism". The book is intended to serve as a handbook for those accepting job offers from the church's educational system, and an aid to those working at FARMS.
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Top Fun Things To Do In The Temple
Wednesday, May 3, 2006, at 08:03 AM
Original Author(s): Scottie
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
1) Ask if they've got anything in blue as white isn't really your color.

2) Ask to be sat in the smoking section for the movie.

3) Pass around popcorn.

4) When Lucifer appears, start a mexican wave. [Is a mexican wave the same as those at like football games?]

5) Ask if anyone has the remote for the TV as you want to see if Larry King is on.

6) Nudge the person next to you and say, "Hey, that Satan is one sexy dude."

7) When everyone stands up, take away one of the seats. [This is probably my favorite one.]

8) Ask for a pint of Pay Lay Ale.

9) Do the hand jive.

10) Blow your nose on your apron. Then examine it closely.

11) Play frizbee with your hat.

12) Do the "5 points of fellowship" tango.
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How To Make Love To Your Tbm Spouse
Thursday, May 4, 2006, at 07:48 AM
Original Author(s): Tal Bachman
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Always eager to find new ways to irritate everyone, I thought I'd post my latest revelation.

"How To Make Love To Your TBM Spouse: A Sex Guide from A Former Cult Zombie"

Advice for wives with TBM husbands:

1.) Rather than a store-bought lubricant, use your own home-made green jello with banana slices.

2.) Forget Victoria's Secret; nothing will turn him on like your old temple outfit. For something extra risque, don the shield and ask him to "wash and anoint you".

3.) To enhance arousal during foreplay, refer to your husband only by his priesthood title. "That's wonderful, bishop..." or "Let me try something, president" works great.

4.) Rather than the lewd language Elder Nelson warned a about, whisper passages from Section 132 into his hear.

5.) Ask for a priesthood blessing prior to beginning, so you can be inspired to serve him "the way a priesthood leader should be served in bed".

Advice for husbands with TBM wives:

1.) Place large portrait of Joseph Smith on wall where your wife can see it throughout your lovemaking session. Say things like, "I'm so happy when it's just us alone - you, me.....and Joseph Smith". This will send her into paroxysms of cult joy.

2.) Instead of putting Al Green, Michael Buble, or Rachmaninoff on the stereo, put on the Book of Mormon audio tapes, and say, "there is no substitute for the spirit". Cult girls love this.

3.) Put scented candles all around the room, but don't light them. When she asks why they're not lit, say, "because the church won't allow candles to be lit in church buildings, and I want our home to be every bit as special as a church building". Feel her melt in your arms.

4.) Explain that you don't want to french kiss, because it "arouses unnatural passions", and also because France left God's favourite country, the US of A, out to dry during a war inspired by Jesus himself. To french kiss would therefore be to commit an act of treason, and "we believe in honoring and sustaining the law".

5.) At the moment of climax, command her to join you in an impassioned rendition of "If You Could Hie to Kolob"
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The Shortest Mormon Books Of All Time
Friday, May 5, 2006, at 09:33 AM
Original Author(s): Ex-Mormon Community
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Here is a compilation of the shortest Mormon books ever published:
  • Contemporary Evidence for the First Vision
  • The Joy of Sex, by Boyd K. Packer
  • Accepting Your Gay Child, by Spencer W. Kimball
  • Fundamentals of Science, by Joseph Fielding Smith
  • Promoting Racial Harmony, by Brigham Young
  • True Stories from the Life of Paul Dunn
  • The Questioning Mind, by Thomas Monson
  • What I Don't Know, by Bruce R. McConkie
  • Hot Monogamy, by Joseph Smith
  • Straight Answers from President Hinckley
  • Dabbling in the Flesh Trade or How I Pimped My Daughter by Heber C. Kimball
  • The Passion Party Planner - By Sheri Dew
  • The Wit and Wisdom of Karl Marx - by Ezra Taft Benson
  • The Miracle Diet by Thomas Monson
  • How about DNA Proof of the Book of Mormon by Daniel Peterson
  • Short Sensible Sermons, Second Scroll by Neal A. Maxwell
  • How 'bout "The Osmonds' Contributions to Pop Music"?
  • An Ancient American Setting for Krispy Kreme Donuts: Glazed or Sprinkled? by Daniel C. Peterson, with a forward by Thomas S. Monson
  • "Where your tithing money goes" by Bishop Burton
  • Men who know my history - by Joseph Smith
  • The Sensitive Man's Guide to Romance - by Brigham Young
  • "Catholic Truths" - by Bruce R. McConkie.
  • "Logic" - by Martin Harris
  • Fair Play at LDS Pinewood Derbys by Bishop Wilford Harke
  • "Apologetics Without Condescension", by DCP and Juliann
  • Brokeback Mountain - The Sequel Boyd "Bottomguy" Packer
  • 'Family Value's, In-Room Movie Guide' by J.W. Marriott,
  • Where I'd Be if My Name Were Schwartz" by Joseph Fielding McConkie
  • "How the truest church is like a stone rolling over the earth" by Vaughn J. Featherstone
  • "All the Latter-day Saint Truth at Wikipedia"
  • Stand For Something by Gordon B. Hinckley.
  • "The doctrine behind polygamy" by ANY GA
  • "Traditional Folk Music for Sacrament Meeting" by Janice Kapp Perry
  • "The Power of Discernment" by Mark Hofmann
  • Shoot off Your Mouth, Mick Jagger's Conversion Story by Elder Gene R. Cook
  • "Women's Rights" by Heber C. Kimball
  • 'How to Increase Factory Production' by Boyd K. Packer
  • Swords, Breastplates, and Helmets: Pictures of Actual Weapons of War Hill from Cumorah Ancient History Museum
  • "The Virtue of the Unpaid Ministry; or Why Clergy Should Avoid the Evils of Commerce and Finance" by Joseph F. Smith
  • "Global Economics" by James E. Faust
  • 'Extra Innings, True Baseball Stories" by Paul H. Dunn
  • 'My Glory Days, True Stories of WWII', by Paul H. Dunn
  • "Yes, We Teach That" by Gordon B. Hinckley
  • coffee table book--pictures of vault items
  • "The Single Travelers' Motel Guide" published by the Westland, MI Stake Press
  • First Vision Truth (version 6,714)
  • "Using Your Family Buisiness to Spread the Gospel by Example" by the Marriot Family
  • "Keeping the Sabaath Day Holy" by Steve Young
  • Forgiven at Last: How I Found Bigfoot by Spencer W. Kimball
  • "I Heart Hoffmann" by Kimball and Hinckley
  • "Tapir riding and other ancient American activities" By Daniel C. Peterson
  • "Encouraging Free Speech on College Campuses" by Ernest L. Wilkinson
  • "Art Appreciation: Rodin Sculpture" by Merrill J. Bateman
  • "Mormon Intermarriage", by Mark E. Petersen
  • "Let Every Negro Drive a Cadillac if They Could Afford it" by Mark E. Petersen
  • Ferrous Metal Content of Ancient Central American Swords
  • Darkies are Wonderful People - By Joseph Fielding Smith
  • How to Comfort a Rape Victim - by Spencer W. Kimball
  • All the Mormon Temple Secrets you the Uber-Mormon can reveal to your non-Mormon Friends" By Elder Bednar
  • What the Missionaries Told me about the Curse of Cain - by Glady Knight
  • "How to Drive Your Husband WILD!!!" - by Sister Bednar
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How Missionaries Are Called To Serve
Thursday, Jun 8, 2006, at 07:31 AM
Original Author(s): Concrete Zipper
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Revelation is still involved. An insider source told me that mission calls are generated by a bank of old 386 PCs running DOS. They use these machines because they still work with the Faith-o-Matic(TM) Revelation Receiver cards, which were designed in the late 80s and still use the ancient ISA bus.

A new version of the Faith-o-Matic(TM), designed with USB 2.0, is in the final stages of debugging and will be deployed soon. It will allow church software that requires input from God to run on modern computer platforms and interface with common software, such as spreadsheets.

The use of USB will enable Faith-o-Matic(TM) empowered laptops, which would permit general authorities to make large batches of important decisions in the field. Such instant, on-the-spot decisions could bring back practices from the early church, like instant mission calls during a stake conference talk, or new ones such as pairing off troublesome singles into eternal couples.
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Top Ten Things Overheard At Salt Lake's Pioneer Day Celebration
Tuesday, Jul 25, 2006, at 08:13 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
10. "Gordon, just look at all those suckers." "No kidding, Tom."

9. "Put that gun away, Packer! There's nothing you can do about the gay pride float."

8. "Looks like they got Gollum to be the Grand Marshal. Oh, never mind, that's President Hinckley."

7. "Uh-oh. Looks like Gayle Ruzicka is drunk again."

6. "No, that's not dykes on bikes. It's the General Primary Presidency."

5. "Daddy, why did the Pioneers stop here?" "Because there was no vacancy in hell."

4. "I love the smell of self-righteousness in the morning."

3. "Hey, some guy over there says he's Jesus and is here for his second coming." "Yeah, right. I didn't see anything about it in the Church News."

2. "Run for your lives! Joseph Smith has risen from the grave, and he's asking for some teenage girls."

1. "Tom, do you know what I hear when I see these crowds?" "No, what, Gordon?" "Ka-ching!"
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For Young Women Only - Your Body, Your Garage
Friday, Sep 8, 2006, at 08:50 AM
Original Author(s): Playelder Magazine
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
A speech given by Apostate Hunerd Proof at the RfM Young Womens Conference on February 3, 1999

My dear special sweet young spirits, I wish to address a topic that is very sacred and dear to the Lord.

The Lord has blessed us with special bodies. Our bodies are like a house. We have many different rooms for many different purposes. Dear girls, the Lord has instructed us on the proper use and purpose for all our rooms.

This morning, I would like to talk about your garage.

As you mature, you will find new vines growing around your garage. You may discover an urge to raise the garage door and explore the opening. Satan will tempt you to fiddle with the automatic opener button, causing the door to rise and fall again and again. Resist Satan's temptations, for he simply likes to watch.

My dear sweet special things, the Lord has asked you to keep your garage closed until you have chosen a car for time and all eternity. Keep your garage empty until you've found that one special car to join you in the Celestial parking lot. Resist the urge to put your own bicycle in your garage. Do not allow foreign tools into your garage. Keep the door locked, for that is what our Heavenly Housebuilder has requested.

And if you find the temptation is too much, I have a suggestion for you. Turn your thoughts to construction sites, to messy bulldozers and cranes. Think of the noise and the mud and exhaust fumes. Imagine all the dirty grease these monsters drip. Are these the things you want in your garage?

You may find young men eager to park their cars in your garage. Young men like to brag about their cars. They like to show you their cars and let you feel the finish. They may even ask that you help them wax their cars, and then they'll insist that the wax job be followed by overnight parking in your garage. Dear ladies, do not be deceived by the shine. Encourage young men to park on the street, to wax in their own driveway if they must, for your garage is to remain unsoiled. Young men need to drain their crankcase once in a while. Do not allow them to drain in your garage, for they will leave a mess behind for you to clean.

Occasionally, young men drive cars that are loud and have strong engines. These cars are sports cars and are most dangerous. You should never let one into your driveway, for the Lord has asked that you marry a family sedan or a minivan. If you see a sports car in your neighborhood, you should schedule a visit with your Bishop. Your Bishop knows your neighborhood well and can instruct all young men on proper parking and driving.

When you find the one automobile that is right for you, and you both have been sealed in the showroom, allow him to park. He may need assistance parking his sedan the first few times, for if he has followed the maintenance schedule, he will be due for an overhaul. Keep your garage attractive and free of other cars. Trim the vines, and scrub the door.

Yours is only a one car garage, and he is your eternal car.
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Once Upon A Time, There Were Three Little Apologists
Monday, Sep 25, 2006, at 06:46 AM
Original Author(s): Concrete Zipper
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Once upon a time, there were three little apologists nd their names were Pinky, Pokey and El Lardo. The three little apologists lived in a tiny hovel in the shadow of Y mountain, and they made their living by thinking up new excuses.

"North could really mean west", said Pinky.

"The word sword may refer to a club", said Pokey.

"I think people used to ride tapirs", said El Lardo. "I would love to ride a tapir some day!"

Every day the three apologists would come up with excuses which they would share with the local villagers.

"It's not a lie if you try really hard to believe it", said Pinky.

"True knowledge comes from what you feel inside. Evidence isn't important", said Pokey.

"My work *is* peer-reviewed", said El Lardo. "Pinky and Pokey are my only peers and they review everything."

The local villagers loved the excuses that the three little apologists made up, and would buy their books and proudly display them on bookshelves. The villagers usually didn't read the books, because it was only important that they knew that the excuses were there. Whenever an outsider would come into the village telling strange tales, the villagers would all cry with one voice, "You're lying! Our three little apologists have proved that you are wrong. You can read it in one of those books on that shelf."

One day, a honcho from Capital City, to the north, came to visit the three little apologists. "You must do something about our greatest enemy: the world calls him 'Reality', but we know him by his true name of 'Antimormonet'. Many of our people have been beguiled by his words and are leaving their villages. You must stop him!"

"We can stop Antimormonet!", said Pinky.

"No one can beat our excuses!", said Pokey.

"We are the world's best apologists", said El Lardo. "We will squash Antimormonet flat as a pancake!"

As the three little apologists sat around a table in their hovel, thinking up great excuses, Pinky had an idea.

"Wait here. I've got an idea!", said Pinky, and he rushed off to the workshop. Pokey and El Lardo began to hear strange noises coming from there.

They heard rustling noises. [rustle, rustle, rustle]
They heard scratching noises. [scratchy, scratchy, scratch]
And they heard banging noises. [bangity, bangity, bang]

Just as Pokey and El Lardo were starting to get worried, Pinky opened the doors of the workshop and called out to the entire village, "Behold, here is Antimormonet. I will destroy him." All the villagers gathered around and admired the giant figure made of straw which they saw before them.

"Get him!", shouted the villagers.
"Destroy Antimormonet!", cried Pokey.
"Beat the stuffing out of him!", yelled El Lardo. "Let's see that straw fly!"

So Pinky grabbed a rod of iron and beat the straw figure with it, all the while calling out excuses:

"He was only speaking as a man!", cried Pinky as he lopped off the figure's arms.

"There could be two hills with the same name!", yelled Pinky as he stabbed the figure in the gut.

"Nobody understands Egyptian anyway!", Pinky shouted. And with a final blow, the figure was smashed and the straw blew away with the wind.

"Hurray!", cried the villagers. "We are saved from the evil Antimormonet!" Pokey and El Lardo congratulated Pinky on a job well done, and the three little apologists retired smugly to their hovel.

The next day the honcho came back with bad news. "Antimormonet is back and still poisoning the minds of our villagers with his evil Reality. Do something!"

Pokey said, "I'll take care of this", and he ran off to the workshop. Pinky and El Lardo began to hear strange noises coming from there.

They heard clattering noise. [clatter, clatter, clatter]
They heard scraping noises. [scrapy, scrapy, scrape]
And they heard cracking noises. [crackity, crackity, crack]

Just as Pinky and El Lardo were starting to get worried, Pokey opened the doors of the workshop and called out to the entire village, "Behold, here is Antimormonet. I will destroy him." All the villagers gathered around and admired the giant figure made of sticks which they saw before them.

"Get him!", shouted the villagers.
"Crush Antimormonet!", cried Pinky.
"Break his back!", yelled El Lardo. "Let's see those sticks splinter!"

So Pokey grabbed the rod of iron and beat the stick figure with it, all the while calling out excuses:

"This stella has a representation of the Tree of Life!", cried Pokey as you crushed the figure's feet.

"Everything took place in a limited geography!", yelled Pokey as he split the figure's head in two.

"Look at all the chiasmus!", Pokey shouted. And with a final blow, the figure was smashed and the splinters and pieces of stick were scattered by the wind.

"Hurray!", cried the villagers. "We are saved again from the evil Antimormonet!" Pinky and El Lardo congratulated Pokey on a job well done, and the three little apologists retired smugly to their hovel.

The next day the honcho came back with even more bad news. "Antimormonet is back again. You must stop him from spreading the horrors of Reality!"

El Lardo stepped forward and said, "I'll take care of this, once and for all", and he ran off to the workshop. Pinky and Pokey began to hear strange noises coming from there.

They heard spattering noise. [spatter, spatter, spatter]
They heard slippery noises. [slippy, slippy, slip]
And they heard squishy noises. [squishy, squishy, squish]

Just as Pinky and Pokey were starting to get worried, El Lardo opened the doors of the workshop and called out to the entire village, "Behold, here is Antimormonet. I will destroy him, now and forever." All the villagers gathered around and admired the giant figure made of manure which they saw before them.

"Oh, he stinks!", shouted the villagers.
"Kill Antimormonet!", cried Pinky.
"Splatter him to the four winds!", yelled Pokey.

So El Lardo grabbed the rod of iron and beat the manure figure with it, all the while calling out excuses:

"We found an inscription that says Nahom!", cried El Lardo as he battered the figure's torso. "That couldn't have been known in the 19th century!"

"Standardized weights of precious metal used for commercial exchange aren't necessarily coins!", yelled El Lardo as he bludgeoned the figure's back. "And anyway, there might be coins that we just haven't found yet."

"You can't prove that it *didn't* happen!", El Lardo shouted. "So there!" And he took a mighty swing and the figure of manure collapsed into a heap.

"Hurray!", cried the villagers. Then they started sniffing. "But wait", they said. "It still stinks."

"I'm not finished yet", said El Lardo. "Everyone plug your nose."

And the villagers all did as he commanded. "Hurray!", they cried. "We can't smell him any more. But we can still see the pile of manure."

"I'm not finished yet", said El Lardo. "Everyone shut your eyes."

And the villagers did as he commanded. "Hurray!", they cried. "We can't see him any more. But it's possible that we could still hear his horrible lies."

"I'm not finished yet", said El Lardo. "Everyone shout 'La! La! La!' at the top of your lungs."

And the villagers all did as he commanded. "La! La! La! Hurray!", they cried. "We can't hear him any more. La! La! La! We will never again be bothered by Reality. La! La! La!"

Pinky and Pokey congratulated El Lardo on a job well done, and as the three little apologists retired toward their hovel, they were met by the honcho from Capital City.

"We are forever grateful to you, El Lardo, for destroying Antimormonet, for freeing us from the tyranny of Reality. As a reward, we will grant you your fondest wish." And the honcho opened a crate, and out came the most beautiful tapir that El Lardo had ever seen.

"I get to ride a tapir!", exclaimed El Lardo. "I finally get my fondest wish!"

And as the sun slowly set, turning Y mountain beautiful colors, the air was filled with the babble of a thousand villagers shouting, "La! La! La!", puctuated by the agonized shrieks of a crushed tapir.
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LDS Licensed Merchandise
Thursday, Sep 28, 2006, at 08:10 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Salt Lake City (UPI)--In a bid to offset falling tithing receipts, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has decided to license official themed merchandise.

"We feel that such is in accordance with tradition," said church president Gordon B. Hinckley. "The twelve and the First Presidency met together and asked, WWJD (What would Joseph do?), and the answer was obvious."

Vendor response has been gratifying thus far, said a clearly pleased Dallin Oaks. "Even large multinational corporations recognize a winning product and are happy to associate themselves with it."

Some of the early licenses:

The Richard G. Scott alarm clock by Casio. Instead of an annoying screech or unpredictable music, this clock gently awakens you with the soothing voice of Richard G. Scott: "If you aren't out of bed already, I plead with you to do so now. If you oversleep, at some point you'll need to acknowledge your part of the responsibility. Please. Wake. Up. Now."

Boyd K. Packer autographed locking oven mitts. "It's virtually impossible to speed up your little factory with these little gems locked on," said a glowing President Packer. "What a blessing this product will be to our young men (and to far too many of our married priesthood holders. For once I'll be able to sleep well knowing that the night will pass without the wasting of life-giving substance."

Wall-mounted Rapping Tommy Monson. With its built-in motion sensor, this little gem will have your LDS friends in stitches. "I don't seek for fame nor wealth; I just want to like myself" goes one of the more-popular rhymes. As an added bonus, every ten hours, the unit recites either "The Race" or Wordsworth's "Ode: Intimations of Immortality," while DJ Dieter Uchtdorf mans the vinyl.

James E. Faust Filling Toss game by Milton Bradley. The object of this game is to extract gold fillings from poor South Americans and toss them into the gaping maw of a greedy church. At the end, those with the green aprons and the fewest teeth win.

Gordon B. Hinckley "Whack-A-Doctrine" game. Miniature wizened prophets pop out spouting once bedrock doctrine: "Adam-God!" "Deification!" "Polygamy!" "Curse of Cain!" Just try and pin the prophet down doctrinally. Bet you can't.

Joseph Smith's game of LIFE. You'll find hours of family fun as you try to prop up a fake religion, avoid doing any work, perpetrate bank fraud, and try to keep numerous extramarital affairs from your wife, all while spouting forth inspired revelation. But don't get caught in Carthage Jail!
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Church Announces New Missionary Program
Friday, Oct 6, 2006, at 09:11 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Salt Lake City (UPI)--The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today the inauguration of a new program to augment its already successful missionary program.
"We have long been gratified by the selfless service provided by church members over the years, not only among full-time missionaries, but in such church-service activities as extraction and genealogy, volunteer service at church historical sites, and church-service missions in areas such as construction and education," said Presiding Bishop H. David Burton. "In keeping with that spirit, we are pleased to announce a program of Mall Service Missionaries, beginning immediately."
Burton explained that the costs of the two downtown malls in Salt Lake City have risen to unforeseen levels (currently between $1.5 and 2.0 billion), and that members must be prepared to sacrifice of their time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed them to help further this great project in building the kingdom.
"Through a partnership with Zion's Securities, we will be able to ensure near-capacity occupancy in the mall by providing, free of charge, full- and part-time mall service missionaries to staff retail outlets and fast-food franchises. Their much-needed service will lower costs for businesses leasing space and thus better ensure that the church will receive the expected income."
A pilot program has been in place for several months at Provo Towne Center, where bright-eyed missionaries perform such vital work as preparing fast food and selling video games.
"I'm so excited to be here," gushed Amanda Smith of Sioux City, Iowa, sporting a Dillards badge reading "Sister Smith." "People ask me if I was a little disappointed when I received my mission call to sell housewares, but I take the Lord at His word, that there is no difference between the temporal and the spiritual."

"Well, dude, I was kind of bummed at first," said Elder Travis Johnson of Katy, Texas, as he dipped a corn dog into a deep fryer. "I was kind of hoping for someplace like Russia, or something. But you know, I'll go where you want me to go and all that. And besides, I still get to go tracting in the evenings."
Some controversy erupted over the placement of mall service missionaries in businesses that may or may not be in keeping with church standards.
"I can tell you that President Packer was not happy with our decision to place sisters in Victoria's Secret, but I assured the brethren that you can be in Victoria's Secret without being of Victoria's Secret."
Burton also suggested that further cost reductions might come through having local wards take turns cleaning the mall each Saturday. "Our members have done more than an adequate job cleaning meetinghouses for several years now. I think they've developed the expertise needed to take on a larger role at the mall. After all, as the Lord said, 'Where much is given, much is required.'"
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Mormon Church Buys Utah Grocery Chain
Thursday, Nov 2, 2006, at 07:47 AM
Original Author(s): Kimberlyann
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-


The LDS church has announced plans to purchase all Albertson's grocery stores in the state of Utah. The conversion of the existing stores from Albertson's to Gordon’s will begin in January and is expected to take several months.

Gordon’s Groceries will be centered around the Word of Wisdom, according to spokeswoman Candy Christiansen. “Faithful Latter-day Saints will no longer have to hurry past aisles of tea, coffee or alcoholic beverages to get to the cookies and potato chips. Our stores will be Word of Wisdom based and dedicated to the healthy eating habits and clean lifestyle of the Utah saints.”

The stores will not carry any coffee, tea, alcohol or caffeinated beverages. They will retain the pharmacies but items such as condoms, KY Lubricant, “personal massagers” and any method of birth control will not be sold. Per the request of the Quorum of the Twelve, Viagra and Cialis will be offered at a discount to temple recommend holders over the age of fifty.

Gordon’s Groceries will proudly offer the state’s largest selection of pre-sweetened Kool-Aid, cookies, ice-cream, and of course, Jello. A unique Gordon’s brand of fry sauce is in the works and should be available in stores by June, 2007.

According to Christiansen, negotiations are in progress with Chuck-A-Rama to incorporate their restaurants right inside Gordon’s Groceries, allowing Gordon’s patrons to eat a healthy balanced lunch at the all-you-can-eat buffet before shopping .

Orem resident, LaJean Brown, feels the new grocery is a blessing from the Lord. "I have always been nauseated by the odor from the coffee aisle at Albertson's. I've also avoided taking my children into the pharmacy for fear that my teenagers might see the boxed was such an unwholesome atmosphere."

Christiansen believes the new grocery will strengthen the testimonies of church members. "The plans for this new Word of Wisdom based grocery is a testimony to me that the Prophet really does speak with the Lord face to face in the temple. I know that in Gordon's, the spirit will never be driven from shoppers by coffee, tea or other foods prohibited by God."
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FARMS Unveils New Unlimited Geography Theory (UGT)
Friday, Nov 10, 2006, at 08:07 AM
Original Author(s): Tal Bachman
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
AP - Provo

Scholars at the Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies (FARMS) today unveiled a revised version of last year's Three Cumorahs Theory, called the Unlimited Geography Theory (UGT). BYU anthropologist John Sorenson and historian Richard Bushman are credited as the primary inventors of the theory.

"Hey - the Book of Mormon is true. And whatever you need that to mean, is what it means", said a beleaguered-looking Bushman at a recent press conference. "America, Malaysia, doesn't really matter". The whole point of the UGT, he says, is that members just need to keep "knowing" that "it's true, it's true, it's true", and not to get bogged down by questions like, "what would that really mean?".

Bushman went on to explain that not only has it not been definitively established that Book of Mormon events took place in America, as he noted in his recent book "Rough Stone Rolling", but that "they have not even been definitively established to have occurred on our planet, in our galaxy, or even in our dimension".

BYU physicist John Sinclair, in a separate interview, says that for years, physicists have speculated about the existence of an infinity of universes, that is, that reality is one big "multiverse". "That means there is a literal infinity of places or dimensions the Book of Mormon events could have taken place in. They could even be taking place right now, where we stand, just in another dimension that we can't see, and maybe Joseph Smith just saw it all in prophetic vision. I would even say that even if those events only ever happened in Joseph Smith's imagination, that 'Joseph's imagination' still qualifies as a 'place', and that therefore, the Book of Mormon, technically speaking', would still be 'true'".

In a related story, FARMS writer DonLoy Q. Rotundsen continues to deny that Mormonism is cannibalizing itself to try to stay alive. When asked how then he explains the fact that church leaders have not condemned the UGT, which after all contradicts 175 years of official church doctrine and the text of the Book of Mormon itself, Rotundsen replied confidently, "The answer to that is very clear: Tal Bachman is a one-hit wonder, and Bob McCue's essays are really long". When asked what that had to do with accelerating Mormon cannibalization efforts, Rotundsen complained he had been "misunderstood", and declared he was being victimized by "unprecedented anti-Mormon bigotry, hatred, and prejudice".
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"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Smithmas"
Thursday, Dec 7, 2006, at 07:39 AM
Original Author(s): Cats
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas
For ev'ry Mormon I know;
Take a look at temple square, lights are everywhere
And missionary dames, I'll bring some Mistletoe!
It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas
The new mall won't be a bore
But the prettiest sight for me, the mini holiday handcart that will be
Next to my own front door.

A quad of holy books and a pencils that marks
Are the wish of Warren and Rulon;
Dolls that don't talk and follow a prophet
Are the hope of Flora and Sharon;
And Gram and Gramps can hardly wait to gift genealogy again.
It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas
For ev'ry Mormon I know;
There's a statue in Hotel Utah, one by the temple as well,
The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow.
It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas;
Soon the calls will start,
And the thing that will make them ring is home teacher that will bring,
homemade treats to your home.
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Church To Start Doing "Disciplinary Councils For The Dead"
Monday, Dec 11, 2006, at 07:22 AM
Original Author(s): Primus
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
AP Salt Lake City

Gordon B. Hinckley announced today that effective immediately the Church would start conducting Disciplinary Councils for the dead. I met with President Hinckley and asked him exactly what that means. Are they going to excommunicate dead people or disfellowship them? Is that even possible?

"Yes, I know that it might seem a little bit weird to be hold 'Courts of Love' for those who are on the other side of the veil, however, many of of our members submit names of their deceased ancestors without even checking out the history of these people. The Church on both sides of the veil needs to be kept clean and pure from those who are not 'celestial' material." Hinckley said.

"But I thought that those who hadn't heard the gospel while they were alive in this life would be able to hear it in the next life and then they would be forgiven for their sins and all would be fine with them." I said.

"Well that's not how it works. These people would have had to live good upstanding LDS lives in order for that to happen..." Hinckley said.

"But but...these people didn't even know LDS doctrine when they were alive, how can they be judged according to that?" I asked.

"Well, here's how it will work. Let's say that your great grandfather John had never heard the gospel before..."


"And he cheated on your great grandmother and was a womanizer. You submit the temple name, but you probably didn't do enough research to know that." Hinckley said.

"Okay, and..." I said.

"Now he has had all the ordinances and now been sealed to your great grandmother, but he cheated on her in this life. If he had been alive in this life, he would have received a disciplinary council to find out his true repentance. This gives him a chance to repent of this sin by proxy."

"So how exactly is it done then?" I asked.

"Come watch."

So I followed Hinckley down the hall and under the street over into the Salt Lake Temple where they had constructed what looked like a High Council room. All the people were dressed in temple garb, so I felt a little out of place.

"Okay, we now come to the case of the adultry committed by Milton Filmore Gurmon back in 1709 with a Ms. Hally, who was a prostitute. What do you have to say for yourself Mr. Gurmon?" The person in proxy for a Stake President asked.

I looked over and saw that at the end of the table was an empty chair.

"Don't you have anything to say in your defense Brother Gurmon?" The Proxy Stake President said. "C'mon, you must have something to say in your defense! Anything?"

"Excuse me Brother Williams," another person at the table said.."On behalf of the deceased, and as one of the proxy High Council members for the defense that it was my understanding that this Ms. Hally was quite the looker and could be had at a reasonable price. Also, may I remind you all that Brother Gurmon had just had an argument with his common law wife regarding whose turn it was to clean out the latrine and she had threatened to kill his favorite goat, according to his journal."

"I would still like to hear what Brother Gurmon has to say though, but since he refuses to talk..."

"This is just crazy!" I said outloud, "There is no one in the Chair!" I protested.

"We can't know that for sure." Hinckley said, "for all we know he really is just being nonforthcoming.

"Okay then, how many of these Courts of Love have you held?" I asked.

"About 500." Hinckley said.

"And of those meetings, how many have actually had the accused say anything at all?" I again asked.

"None, but I'm sure they are just being stubborn." Hinckley said.

"I think I need a drink." I said and walked out the door.
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New Hymn: Put Your Head Into the Sand
Tuesday, Dec 12, 2006, at 06:44 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
The church needs all the gullible
There are in all the land
Stop questioning, but with us sing
Put your head into the sand!

Put your head into the sand, push it in
The prophet says that thinking is a sin
We all have brains, but please refrain
Put your head into the sand.

For Gordon knows that knowledge kills
The church is on the brink
The truth's irrelevant to you
And you have no time to think

Shove your head into your ass, push it in
Ignore reality, and you will win!
The prophet spoke, it's not a joke,
Shove your head into your ass.

The church has need of tithing funds
Salvation isn't cheap
So give your all to build those malls
And you'll sow that we can reap.

Put your hand into your wallet, give some cash
Gordon's temples have depleted our stash.
We'll take Visa or Master Card
Put your hand into your wallet.

The church has need of future growth
But baptisms are slow
It's really great to procreate
Put your factories to work.

Put your factories to work, there's no cost
Boyd K. Packer sheds a tear when sperm is lost.
Don't use your mouth on regions south.
PUt your factories to work.

Then don't stand idly looking on
The church is dying fast.
Those in the know left long ago,
So be loyal to the last!

Just be loyal to the last, you'll be blessed.
And be proud that you have passed this great test.
The spirit tells you all is well
So be loyal to the last!
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Top Ten Rejected BYU Mottos
Tuesday, Dec 12, 2006, at 06:51 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
10. Enter to Be Indoctrinated; Go Forth to Breed
9. Electroshock-free since 1996
8. Please remove facial hair and critical thinking skills before entering
7. Where it's always 1955
6. Home of Sparkling Yogurt
5. It's Not a Lie If You Believe It
4. Arbeit Macht Frei
3. Harvard for the Superstitious
2. Closing Minds One Freshman at a Time
1. Don't Intellectualize the Gospel
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Top Ten LDS Gift Items This Year
Wednesday, Dec 20, 2006, at 08:12 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
10. Handcrafted replica of the wooden window box Joseph Smith used to store the gold plates--$99.95. For $150 more, includes a replica of the plates that you can see with your spiritual eyes if you pray really hard (results not guaranteed).

9. Refrigerator-magnet "Guilt Trip Wheel"--$34.95. A perfect companion to family home evening wheels, chore wheels, and other reminders to fulfill the daily requirements of Mormonism.

8. Hand-turned, polished replica of President Hinckley's walking cane, engraved with the inspiring words "I don't know that we teach it"--$250.

7. A set of four gold fillings from a third-world church member, mounted over an etching of the temple of your choice, with an engraved plate reading "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven"--$189.95.

6. Exquisite "Richard G. Scott" alarm clock. Wakes you each morning with the gentle voice of the beloved apostle: "If you haven't already awoken, I plead with you to do so now." Includes special setting for those who have trouble sleeping; just push the "Slumber" button, and you'll hear random excerpts from Elder Scott's talks; you'll be asleep in no time!--$249.95.

5. "Book of Mormon Evidence" coffee table book, including full color photos of "NHM," tapirs in their natural habitat, and Mayan obsidian clubs. Includes 250 blank pages for you to insert additional evidence as it is discovered by scientists--$69.95.

4. "Clue: Thomas Monson edition." The popular mystery game has been updated to involve scenarios where players follow clues to discover which act of selfless service President Monson did. You'll have hours of fun discovering that President Monson gave the canary to the widow in the largest ward in the church, or that he gave the train set to the disheveled boy in the poor part of Provo.--$79.95.

3. Gingerbread creations: choose from the conference center and either of the two downtown Salt Lake malls--$2,000 (price subject to change).

2. CTR earrings (one pair per customer, please). This simple yet stunning set will show the world that you are indeed marriage material because you follow the prophet!--$124.95.

1. LDS scientific calculator. This is the same calculator used by church headquarters to show increases in membership each year (even when there aren't any); you'll be like the Kirtland Bank and discover hidden treasures in your accounts using this calculator (note: we are not responsible for any errors in calculations).
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Mormon Wonderland
Friday, Dec 22, 2006, at 08:27 AM
Original Author(s): Primus
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Sung to the tune of 'Winter Wonderland'

Sealing team, are you going?
In the Film, Eve is sizzling!
In Temple Whites,
We're Holy tonight.
Standing up and down in Mormon Garment Wear

Gone away is the Slashing,
Here to stay is a new Sign
Pay Lay Ale we will not say
That saying is now gone
Standing up and down in Mormon Garment Wear

In the Earth Room we standup then sit down
Then pretend that we are naked.

Eloheim will say: Adam where art thou?
Adam will say: I hid myself
The woman Eve, she made me
Satan said it’d make us free.

Now a days we secretly conspire,
To put Smith’s Enemies in a fire
In self-righteous rage
The plans that we've made,
Taking Over Is God’s Plan.

In the Endowment we make Secret Covenants,
And pretend that we are Kings
We'll have present ourselves at the veil,
It’s One Eternal Round

Lorenzo Snow, He was willing
That Church enemies would get a killing
We’ll all die someday, In the King Follet way
Pay Lay Aling in the Mormon Land
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Top Ten New LDS Books
Friday, Jan 5, 2007, at 07:08 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
10. How to Inspire People Without Actually Saying Anything, by Thomas Monson

9. You Need All the Friends You Can Get: A History of LDS-Jewish Relations, by Daniel Peterson

8. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Mesoamerican Archaeology, by the Maxwell Institute

7. The Autobiography of Paul Dunn, by Sheri Dew

6. How to Look Creepy on TV, by Richard G. Scott

5. Whoever Said 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' Was an Idiot, by David Bednar

4. Teeth for Temples and Other Stories of Faith and Sacrifice, by James E. Faust

3. Hands Off: A Guide to Celestial Intimacy, by Boyd K. Packer

2. Making Enrichment Night Meaningful and Other Fantasies, by the General Relief Society Board

1. The Secrets of My Success: Empty Platitudes and a Selective Memory, by Gordon B. Hinckley
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City Creek Mall Announces Flagship Stores
Wednesday, Jan 17, 2007, at 06:58 AM
Original Author(s): Cricket
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
City Creek Mall Announces Flagship Stores

10/15/2006 by D. P. Gumby

The Land of Knee-high Levis - A specialty boutique featuring garment compatible denim shorts.

Hagoth's Travel - Book your South Pacific cruises here.

Paul H. Dunn, Bookseller - fiction only.

Captain Moroni's Military Surplus - Steel swords a specialty.

Joe's Magic Shop - Get your seerstones and Jupiter talismans.

Cureloms and Things - An exotic pet store. Yes, they carry tapirs!

Sherri's Crafts - Features a wide collection of Relief Society homemaking night crafts. Turkey carcass sleighs! Tampon angels! Look, you can't beat this stuff.

The Last Days - Food storage and survival supplies for those saints anxiously awaiting the second coming.

First Visions - A complete collection of Mormon cinema on DVD. Currently featuring the last 25 years of General Conference box set.

Jeffs' Bridal Shop - A "family" business from Southern Utah (and Texas, and British Columbia).

Boyd's Little Factory Outlet - A wholesale porn store fronted by a plumbing suppy and fertilizer distributor.

The food court will have:

House of Jello - Every Jell-O recipe ever invented.

Fanny's - A Hooters style restaurant. Would have been Joe Smith's favorite eatery.

Danny's Donuts - Official hangout for FARMS-BYU aficianados.

McMorgs Hamburgers - Home of the famous Milkburger - 'cause you ain't ready for the meat!

Kokoabeam Hot Chocolate Shoppe - No Word of Wisdom violations here.

Please add some flagship stores of your own to be posted here:
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Utah State Senator Chris Buttars Introduces Legislation To Ban Tall-Short Alliances In Public Schools
Friday, Mar 30, 2007, at 07:57 AM
Original Author(s): Mujun
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Conservative State Senator Chris Buttars (R-West Jordan) today introduced a bill in the Utah Legislature that would allow public schools to prevent the formation of "tall-short alliances" in public schools.

The clubs are a recent phenomenon, started by short students who feel that they have too often been the victims of discrimination and ridicule, particularly in Utah where such an overwhelming majority of the population is tall. The short students have been joined by an unexpected ally, a small number of tall students who consider themselves open-minded and progressive and who want to create an atmosphere in the schools in which their short classmates feel accepted and safe.

The advent of such clubs has raised the ire of many parents, who worry about the message the school would be sending to their children by recognizing these students. "I don't want my kids hanging around with a bunch of short students," said Nephi Kimball of Canadian Fork. "The next thing you know, they'll end up short themselves."

Medical experts throughout the world have long recognized that being short is purely biological, a product of nature, not nurture. Surveys in Utah, however, continue to show that a sizable majority of voters consider shortness to be a personal choice and immoral.

Senator Buttars has said that he believes the clubs "indoctrinate" students into a "short lifestyle."

Anonymous sources close to Governor Jon Huntsman have said that the Governor is familiar with the medical arguments that shortness is not a choice and "finds them compelling," but that "he will probably just give the crowd Barabbas, as usual." He is expected to sign the bill.
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Pickle Metaphor Signals LDS Reformation
Tuesday, Apr 3, 2007, at 07:39 AM
Original Author(s): Dbradhud
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
(Salt Lake City) For months preceding this week's General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, rumors had circulated concerning an "historical event" that would take place at the always historic annual conference. "Gosh! I mean, conference is always historic." Said Jennifer L. Smith, of Spanish Fork Utah. "But we kept hearing that this conference would have extra historicity."

Most Saints concluded that the historical event was the rededication of the LDS Tabernacle on Temple Square (TM). But their first clue came at the performance of the ceremony formerly known as the "Hosanna Shout." To their surprise, the congregation found green handkerchiefs replacing the traditional white. And instead of shouting the traditional "Hosanna!" Gordan B. Hinckley, Prophet, Seer and Revelator of the LDS church began to shout "Pickleoooyah! Pickleoooyah!

Puzzled Saints wondered what had inspired the changes. But LDS Apostle Dallin Oakes denied any changes to the ceremony. "We didn't change anything, and besides, it's sacred so I can't discuss it."

But a major shift in the LDS church became evident during Apostle David A. Bednar's remarks at the conference session. In what has become known as "the metaphor heard around Utah, most of Idaho, some of Arizona and Nevada, a teensy bit of Alberta, and a few other places scattered across the globe," he said: "Just as a cucumber is transformed into a pickle as it is immersed in and saturated with salt brine, so you and I are born again as we are absorbed by and in the gospel of Jesus Christ."

Some Utah residents were not impressed. "God, that's an old AA metaphor," remarked a streetwise cabbie. But by Monday morning, it was clear that Bednar's metaphor was a harbinger of change.

The First Presidency's Office announced the finding of a newly discovered journal in Joseph Smith's own handwriting by a janitor in the First Presidency's Vault. "I'd noticed that the urim and thummin was getting a little dusty. I went over to clean it, tripped over the McClellan collection, and there it was! Sitting right on the shelf labeled "Useless Junk No One Should Ever Look At."

The journal shows heavy editing in handwriting that appears to match Brigham Young's. The diary cleary shows that Joseph Smith had named the three degree of glory in the LDS heaven as "sweet", "dill', and 'gherkin." Those who had denied the holy ghost would be sent to "outer cukeness." And polygamy, currently described as the New and Everlasting Covenant" was originally called "The New and Everlasting Condiment."

The First presidency announced several immediate changes. All baptisms would be performed in fonts filled with brine rather than water. Pickling spices would be added to the consecrated oil used for healings. All CtR rings would be replaced with "IaP" "I'm a Pickle" Members would be encouraged to approach perfect strangers and ask them the "Green Questions." And a new snappy line of LDS television commercials would feather the music from a Dr. Pepper Jingle..."Wouldn't you like to be a pickle, too."

Formerly discouraged LDS apologists, who had been reduced to sucking their thumbs and whining about "those meanie exmormons," appeared reinvigorated. FARMS released a special issue, featuring articles such as "Pickle Images in Mayan and Toltec Art." The issue also includes a newly discovered and previously unpublished article by Hugh Nibley entitled "Pickle Parallels -- A Scholarly Examination of Pickle References in Early Egypt Featuring Lots of Footnotes to Sources You've Never Heard Of.
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Mormons Ban Easter Bunny
Wednesday, Apr 4, 2007, at 12:26 PM
Original Author(s): Kimberlyann
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
DIPS - Deseret International Press Service

The Easter Bunny has been banned from Mormon homes worldwide after a breakdown in negotiations with members of the Quorum of the Twelve.

Boyd K. Packer was reportedly in negotiations with the Easter Bunny over his visiting the homes of Mormon children on Sunday, thereby breaking the Sabbath. The first presidency issued a proclamation for the Easter Bunny stating that all egg hiding and candy delivery should occur on the Saturday immediately preceding Easter in order to preserve the sanctity of the Sabbath and keep the focus of Easter on Joseph Smith.

The Easter Bunny has declined to change his schedule to appease the Mormons, and as Elder Packer claims, “turned his long ears from the truth.” Elder Bednar called the bunny hard and unyielding, just like an unpickled carrot. “If the Easter Bunny would only immerse his carrot in the brine of the Gospel, he would become soft and mushy, and hearken unto our council. His stubbornness leaves us no option but to ban him from the homes of Mormons worldwide.”

The following statement was issued by the Easter Bunny: “Why would I listen to the ravings of a bunch of delusional men who believe in such fairy tales as Jaredite barges, magic spectacles, and sword-wielding angels? Being banned from Mormon homes doesn’t bother me a bit and only lessens the tremendous amount of hopping I do Sunday morning and the amount of disgusting egg salad made Monday by Mormon mothers. Really, this is better for everyone involved.”

There were unconfirmed reports of Packer’s car being egged as he left the Easter Bunny’s egg dying facility.

As consolation for Mormon children worldwide, President Hinckley, in his kindness, has announced that local Bishops will be handing out horehound candy from the Beehive House to the children in their wards along with baby dill pickles representing the brining of children into perfectly obedient little Mormons.
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Sacred Pickling - Baptism By Brine Produces More Perfect Saints
Friday, Apr 13, 2007, at 09:23 AM
Original Author(s): D.p. Sorensen
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From the Salt Lake City Weekly:
In the wake of Apostle Bednar’s speech in General Conference, thousands of faithful Mormons have been trying to turn themselves into pickles. Supermarkets and food specialty shops have experienced a record-breaking run on salt brine. Dan’s sold out within hours of Apostle Bednar’s call to the faithful to get themselves pickled, store officials say. Smith’s Food andamp; Drug and Albertsons also report long lines of customers at the checkout counter clutching cans of salt brine and, in some cases, dousing themselves with salt brine while in line.

During the last 10 days, local emergency rooms have experienced the influx of patients presenting unusual symptoms: green skin, an acrid body odor and an uncontrollable compulsion to insert themselves in between two all-beef patties on a sesame-seed bun.
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Top 10 Sacred, Not Secret Church Committees
Wednesday, May 9, 2007, at 08:10 AM
Original Author(s): Primus
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
What a surprise to findout that there was a 'Strengthening the Members' Committee, with the task of 'Strengthening the Members' to be more obedient to the brethern. However, this is just the tip of the Iceberg for special committees the Church has set up. Here are a list of 10 I just found out about.

BEGC- The Boring Equals Good Committee. Tasked with finding ways to make church more dull than it already is. Infamous for advocating a High Councilor speaker on more Sundays, and the budget plan so parties must be done on the cheap at members expense.

FWGMC- Fire Workers, Get Members Committee - Tasked with finding jobs that are currently paid for by the Church that they can find members to do as missions.

UFDC - Uniformity From Diversity Committee - Tasked with making sure all members dress and act like white caucasian males and females. Motto- We love diversity, elsewhere.

SBGC- Stupid Blessings Gossip Committee - Tasked with coming up with blessings one will receive from obedience, such as getting a better looking wife for more diligent work on your mission.

FPRC - Faith Promoting Rumors Committee - Tasked with making sure all faith promoting stories adapted from other faiths are changed to reflect happening to LDS Members, ie. the Birdies Story.

SDMC - Stare Down Members Committee -Tasked with teaching Bishops and Stake Presidents in the art of staring people down during interviews to make them think the Bishop is reading their mind, causing undue guilt if they lie.

SMGC - Strengthening the Members Guilt Committee - Tasked with finding new projects and programs that the members are then made to feel guilty about not doing. Sure you might be going to temple everyday, and preaching the gospel to all your friends, but have you been a good homemaker?

SMCDC - Strenghtening the Members Cognitive Dissonance Committee. In conjunction with FAIR and FARMS. Work to confuse the member so much about Church History and current affairs they don't know up from down. The Mall will bring non-members to the community allowing us to teach them the gospel, therefore it is a house of God.

UCC- Useless Commandments Committee - Tasked with creating ideas for the GAs to talk about that members should do, such as only one pair of earrings for Women, none for men, which won't solve the worlds problems, bring peace, cause prosperity, or do much of anything else except give members one more thing to feel guilty about.

BRC - Blemish Reduction Committee - Tasked with making sure Oaks and Eyrings bald spots aren't too bright, and no facial hair shows up on any of the female speakers faces at conference time.
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Clean Flix Releases "Worthy" Version Of PBS Documentary
Friday, May 11, 2007, at 09:01 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Bowing to customer demand, Clean Flix has announced the availability of a "worthy" version of the recent PBS documentary "The Mormons."

Dean Gunderson, spokesman for the company, explained. "We received hundreds of phone calls from church members who wanted to see the program but had read about the offensive and biased material presented. I believe we, more than anyone, are best equipped to present this material in a fair and balanced way and let the viewers decide."

Gunderson explained that they took as their guiding principle the wise counsel from President Boyd K. Packer: "Some things that are true are not very useful." Said Brother Gunderson, "We looked at each section of the film and prayerfully determined whether it met the criteria of being both useful and uplifting. We're pretty pleased with the outcome."

First, Gunderson's team removed all statements from non-LDS participants. "You could just feel the evil presence whenever they spoke. And I think that one guy was gay." And all references to non-Mormons were removed, especially depictions of polygamists. "Why anyone would associate our church with those nutjobs in Southern Utah is beyond me," said an indignant Gunderson.

After that, they carefully removed that which tears down instead of building up. "Well, all I know is that so-called 'Sister' Flake was not the kind of church member I know. She reeked of bitterness and hostility. And that Islamic scholar, what was he doing there? When my kids saw the word 'Islam' on the screen, they got scared. Plus he was saying all that nonsense about stones in hats, like we really teach that."

Clean Flix also removed offensive visuals. "I couldn't believe it. They made New England look like a bleak wasteland, like this was some R-rated horror movie. It had to go. Avoid the appearance of evil, I always say," said Gunderson.

A spokesperson for PBS expressed outrage at the edits: "They took a beautiful and informative documentary and reduced it to a 3-minute monologue from Terryl Givens."

Responded Gunderson, "Yes, and aren't those 3 glorious minutes?"
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Pinnacle Foods Names David A. Bednar As Official Spokesperson
Friday, May 18, 2007, at 08:56 AM
Original Author(s): Racer
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Associate Press Release:

Pinnacle Foods (makers of the popular Vlasic Pickle brand) have signed on LDS Apostle David A. Bednar as an official spokesperson for Vlasic.

Bednar's endorsement will only be used in a localized marketing campaign focusing on a key target demographic. Namely UT and ID.

Pinnacle Marketing President, Bud "Dill" Sanderson, had this to offer:

"When we heard Mr. Bednar's recent general conference speech about pickles, we saw a perfect opportunity to capitilize on our sales in the the UT/ID area. We realize Mr. Bednar is highly respected among the LDS. It is my understanding Mormons believe when a leader (such as Bednar) speaks, the thinking has been done. We are hoping that by having him say: "Eat Vlasic" the members will go out in droves and purchase our product. You just can't get a better endorsement than that!"

Pinnacle Foods is also slightly changing the label on all Vlasic products being shipped to UT and ID. The label will remain the same, but the famous "Vlasic Stork" mascot has been replaced by a photo of Mr. Bednar.

When asked about his new found fame, Bednar responded:

"It is rather surreal to see may face on a jar of pickles (laughs)! Five years ago if someone would've told me I would one day be in the Quorum of the 12 and a spokesperson for Vlasic; I wouldv'e laughed them out of town! I am looking forward to my new responsibility. I already received permission from the First Presidency to have the transcript of my recent talk re-edited. Any place in the talk where I use the word "pickle" has been slightly modified to read: "Vlasic pickle". There are also a few TV spots in the works."

When asked about how he will be compensated for the endorsement, he had this to say:

"As a servant of the Lord I cannot accept any type of compensation. Instead, Pinnacle is offering a very generous donation to BYU Idaho. We are also re-naming the student Union Building to: "Pinnacle Foods Vlasic Pickle Union Building." I have the utmost respect for the good people at Pinnacle."

Finally when asked what his favorite type of pickle was, Mr. Bednar said: "That's easy! Bread and Butter Chips, but only if they are Vlasic brand(laughs)!"
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"The Pioneer Day Song" Sung To The Tune Of "The Hanukka Song"
Thursday, Jul 12, 2007, at 09:00 AM
Original Author(s): Adam Sandler
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
There’s a lot of holidays celebrated by the secular world, but not too many non-mormons know about Pioneer Day. So I wrote a song for all those nice little Mormon kids who have to celebrate Pioneer day instead of play with their friends. Here we go...

Pull your costume out of storage,
it’s time to reenact the voyage.
If you’re friends ask questions just say,
today is Pioneer Day.

Pioneer Day is,
a Mormon celebration,
Nobody else cares,
anywhere in the nation.

When you feel like the only kid in town,
who wants to be a missionary,
Heres a list of people who are Mormon,
just like you and your friend Larry:

Steve Young,
is in the Hall of Fame,
Ty Detmer will never go,
but he’s a Mormon just the same.

Guess who has a testimony,
and chooses the right,
Izzie from Greys Anatomy,
and Napolean Dynamite.

Rodney Dangerfield married a Mormon,
but then he died.
He can still become a Mormon,
if he’s proxy baptized.

You don’t need crucifixes,
or a teacher that’s a nun.
All you need is a testimony,
of the Book of Mormon.

Ten percent you must pay,
Read your scriptures, don’t be gay.
Go to church, obey the GAs,
And celebrate Pioneer Day.

O.J. Simpson-- not a Mormon!
Neither is boxer and grill maker George Foreman

But we’ve got Harry Reid
and also Mitt Romney,
If we get a man in the White House,
He will serve Gordon B. Hinckley

Some people think Steve Martin’s Mormon,
But he’s not
Donnie and Marie are Mormon,
in case you forgot.

Not many Mormons are in show biz–
Jack Bauer isn’t but agent Mike Doyle is.

Go to Seminary,
and flirt with that girl named Carrie.
If you want to pop her cherry,
in the temple you must marry.
So go to church for 3-hours on Sunday,
Obey your bishop, remember to pray,
Eat your Jell-O and drink Kool-Aid,
and have a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy Pioneer Day.
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Church To Privatize, Switch To "Managed Faith"
Friday, Oct 26, 2007, at 04:38 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
LDS Church officials announced today that it was beginning a transition to a privately held faithcare corporation in hopes of more efficient and profitable operations.

Church spokesman John LeFever explained, "In today's world of rising testimony-care costs, we felt that it was in the best interests of the church and its members to privatize. In this way, we can better fulfill the mission of the church while conserving much-needed funds for our larger real-estate ventures." LeFever cited an explosion in administrative costs, which was diverting needed funds from such important projects as canned-game shooting reserves, resort hotels, and major mall renovations.

Newly ordained apostle Quentin L. Cook will supervise the transition, capitalizing on his experience privatizing unprofitable and inefficient health care systems and hospitals. "It's a win-win situation," said LeFever. Elder Cook will oversee the legal and financial issues in transferring church assets to a shell corporation, 'Deseret Testimony Services," on whose board he will serve as an officer, with Gordon B. Hinckley serving as chairman. Cook bristled at the suggestion that supervising the transfer of church assets to his own corporation constitutes a conflict of interest. "Look, I've done this several times. Do you think I'd have done something like this if I had an ethical problem with it?"

Cook and LeFever insisted that the new corporation would be a boon to church members. "We're pioneers in this industry," said a beaming H. David Burton of the Presiding Bishopric. "In its new structure, the church will become what we like to call a 'Faith Management Organization,' or FMO for short."

Burton described how the new organization will work. Members, he said, will select a "primary care bishop," or PCB, responsible for meeting their spiritual needs. At such times that members need spiritual guidance, they will need to call a toll-free number, wherein trained counselors will assess their needs and determine if a visit to the bishop's office is warranted. Burton noted that the church will incur great cost savings by having MTC missionaries staff a phone bank as counselors. "Each missionary will receive at least one hour of training before they ever pick up the phone."

When a bishop's interview is warranted, members can schedule the visit at one of several FMO clinics, where they will be seen by a staff bishop for a nominal copayment. "The copayment will help us prevent unnecessary spiritual care," said Burton. "In the spirit of charity, however, the copayment will be determined on a sliding scale, with less-fortunate members paying a smaller amount." Annual "well-youth" interviews and temple recommend interviews will be conducted free of charge, though a nominal fee will be assessed for referring members to a staff stake president, who is considered a specialist.

Pilot programs in West Valley City and Riverton, Utah, have been quite successful. "Faith-care costs are down significantly in both areas," said Cook, who boasted of savings so great that large executive bonuses were warranted.

Members are quite happy with the results. LaDawn Jensen of Riverton shared her experience. "I was really depressed and contemplating suicide, but after talking to that nice young elder for a minute, I was convinced I didn't need to be seen, after all. Can anyone doubt the inspiration behind this new program? I am so thankful for a living prophet!"
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New Utah Restaurant
Monday, Dec 17, 2007, at 07:16 AM
Original Author(s): Buntaro
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Rumor has it that there is an idea floating around out there for a chain of non-pretentious Mormon-themed restaurants called “The Steak Center” (Where There's Never a Dry, Boring Meat-ing!). Each Steak Center will have one enormous dining area with basketball hoops at either end, folding metal chairs and long tables covered in plastic tablecloths.

The Steak Centers will not have hostesses, but greeters. Men in their seventies will meet you at the door and talk like they have known you all your life, it's great...

The main menu items will be:

Porterhouse Rockwell Steak, Primary Rib and the Poor Wayfaring Pan of Beef, garnished with Parsley P. Pratt Funeral Potatoes. They will also have, when it's in season, Eliza R. Snow crab.

And let us not forget a wide variety have "And It Came to Pasta", including Kraft MacaMoroni and Cheese. Additionally, they'll have breakfast Items, including Pearls of Great Rice and Frosted Minivans, as well as Adam-ondi-Omelettes. (Bulk powdered milk will be located at the end of the condiment table so you can mix it to your favorite consistency) Also available, "In Our Lovely Desserts", including Fast Sundaes, Gadianton cobbler, carrot shaved Jell-O, fresh potato Chip casserole, and the sinful Laman Meringue Pie.

All meals will be served on Golden Plates…. which must all be collected and buried before you leave.

The waiters will be 12 and 13-year-old boys wearing white shirts and their fathers' ties. At the end of the night the customers will be asked to help fold up the chairs and tables and vacuum the floor.

Franchises are selling faster than Sunbeams on Skittles! Get yours while they last!
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New Service For Ward And Stake Leaders
Tuesday, Apr 15, 2008, at 07:42 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
The company that brought you has announced a follow-up service called This service will help ensure better results the next time you send out a reminder call. The service is simple: After you have sent out your reminders, simply keep track of who didn't fulfill their assignment. Then you can select the names from list, and the service will automatically send the guilt reminder of your choice.

Sample messages:

Temple trip: Hello, this is Brother Smith. I note with some sadness that someone in the spirit world who has waited hundreds of years for their temple ordinances will have to wait even longer because you couldn't be troubled to attend our ward's temple night. I'm sure you were doing something much more worthwhile, such as watching reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond." I hope you can live with your conscience until the next temple night. We pray for you.

Chapel cleaning: Hello, this is Brother Packard, reminding you that once again, a small group of people had to spend long hours cleaning up cheerios and baby vomit from the chapel. We could have used your help, but I'm sure you felt justified in doing whatever it was you were doing. The next time you sit on a clean bench or change your baby's diaper in a sanitary restroom, remember that others put their shoulder to the wheel so that you didn't have to.

Enrichment night: We had a glorious enrichment night that could only have been richer had we been graced by your presence. Sister Johanssen spent a lot of time preparing her workshop on toll painting Easter trivets, but unfortunately your life will never be blessed by her efforts. Instead, a small group of the faithful gathered together and were uplifted. We look forward to seeing you next month, unless of course you intend to disappoint the Savior once again. With love, your sisters in Zion.

Calls can also be personalized for specific needs, such as the following:

Hello, Brother Charles. This is the bishop checking in on your masturbation problem. If you had a masturbation-free day, press 1. If you masturbated, press 2 and leave a detailed message describing how, where, and when you masturbated.

Satisfied customer rave about the results they've achieved:

"Attendance at our temple night is way up," enthuses Brad Call of Moorpark, California. "One brother came up to me and said, 'I'll do anything you want. Just stop the calls. Please, I'm begging you!' I couldn't be more pleased."

Bishop R. Craig Oats of Friendswood, Texas, agrees: "This system has really helped us in 'raising the bar' for missionary service. These guilt calls have reduced prospective missionary 'moral issues' by more than 38%. Thank you, LDSGuiltCalls!"
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Exmormon Afterlife Insurance: Do The Hoax And Token!
Thursday, Jan 1, 2009, at 05:32 PM
Original Author(s): Postdumb
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
In the interest of all you all's Eternal Salvation (c) I the munificent Postdumb have given you a way to keep your tokens memorized without having to attend a Mormon Temple.

Let's call it my charitable contribution to those lost in mists of darkness.

If performed at least once per weak, these "sacred" signs will become second nature to the diligent and help them in the unlikely chance that Mormonism was more than a hoax.

The Hoax and Token (Performed to the tune of "The Hokey Pokey")

You put your right hand squared,
You put the palm of the hand out;
You put your right hand squared,
And you think your new name now.
You do the Hoax and Token,
And a Hallelujah Shout.
That's what it's all about!

You put your right hand in front,
You put your hand in cupping shape;
You put the right arm in a square,
And your left arm raised square.
You do the Hoax and Token,
And say your name with a shout.
That's what it's all about!

You put your left hand in front,
You put your hand in cupping shape;
You put your left arm squared,
And your right hand forward, palm down.
You do the Hoax and Token,
And you conjure the Sign of the Nail.
That's what it's all about!

You put your hands above your head,
You shout out “Pay;”
You drop your arms to the square,
And you shout out “Lay.”
You lower your arms to your chest,
And you shout “Ale” out.
That's what it's all about!

You circle around the altar,
You let your best feelings exist;
You make the signs of all the tokens,
You ask God to hear the words of your mouth.
You do true order of prayer,
And you repeat what goes around.
That's what it's all about!

You give your new name through the veil,
You give your old name through the veil;
You give the Sign of the Nail,
And say "the Son, the Son of God.”
You do the Patriarchal Grip,
And converse with the Lord through the Veil.
That's what it's all about!
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New Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Loss Of Testimony Of Mormon Faith And Pornography
Wednesday, Feb 18, 2009, at 07:50 AM
Original Author(s): Primus
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
AP- Salt Lake City

What has long been thought to be the case by those who believe in the Latter-Day Saint, or Mormon faith has now been proven to be true. Pornography leads to lack of faith in the Mormon faith.

Daniel R. Millstone, a leading expert at FARTS, or Foundation for American Research Trashing Sinners found that when strong priesthood holders such as Bishops, High Council Members and even Church Apostles were subjected to dirty videos and magazines such as Hustler and Playboy, that their testimony in the truthfulness of the LDS Church diminished.

We interviewed one participant by the who did not want to disclose his real name, but instead went by the name Former Ultra TBM Mega Lord to find out what his experience was.

"I was as solid as a rock, a true iron rodder. I figured that when I was contacted by the FARTS guys that whatever their experiment was, that I would be able to handle it. Unfortunately now I CAN'T STOP HANDLING IT. My IRON ROD is getting sore, and I don't believe in that silly Mormon whatever it is anymore!"

We talked with Dr. I.M Hardon to get an explanation of how the study was carried out.

"Well, what we would do is bring in a true believer, someone who was currently on a mission for example, or even the mission president. First we would give them a quiz by asking them questions like 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?' Then we would record the responses with a scale like

100% believe it to be true
90% believe it to be true, but have on item 'on the shelf'
80% believe it to be true, though I question a lot
70% believe it to be true, sometimes feel like a New Order Mormon
60% believe it to be true, but it could be as true as the Catholics,

all the way down to 0% belief, the LDS Church is the MOST EVIL organization on Earth EVER!

We then had these RMs, Bishops, Apostles, etc. watch R-rated movies and then administered the quizzes again after the viewing. Generally speaking, after the R movie, belief in the LDS faith dropped by an average of 10%.

Then we had new participants watch xxx rated films. In general, the belief in the Church for a 100% committed person dropped down to the New Order Mormon phase or 50%. Those who watched 2 films left the study wanting to fire bomb the temple.

Former Ultra TBM Mega Lord said "If I had some fertilizer and other ingredients, I would probably storm my local church building. What a BUNCH OF EVIL HEATHENS THOSE LDS ARE!"

"Was there a particular teaching that has turned you off to the Church and made you REALLY mad about it?" I asked.

"Well, no, but when I saw Peter North taking on 5 women, I just knew that the LDS Church couldn't be TRUE!"

I then talked with David Bednar, the only apostle to participate in the study to get his reaction.

"Well, losing my testimony after watching 'Hot Women and Ugly Women Part 14.'was really tough, I mean I have alluded in the past to personally eating pickle sandwiches with Jesus, but after that I (sniffle sniffle) just don't know anymore. I'll probably have to have you keep my name private in this article because my pay is really good, and I will have to continue living a lie, but I can't afford to give up my 6 figure salary."

We asked Dr. I.M. Hardon why he feels that these people lose their testimonies when they watch pornography, when the pornography isn't necessarily showing anything evil about the Mormon faith either good or bad.

He suggested that it was the intense anger over the lose of polygamy back in the 18th century and that the volunteers were disgruntled that they would not be able to do the same things in real life that they saw in the films and that therefore they were angry.

"You see one of these films and think...Wow, I'm going to go out and have threesome! Then you realize that the Church doesn't currently allow for an additional wife for the threesome and you get all mad, then you realize that you've been robbed as a robust virile guy by the Church, wish you can go back in time to those polygamy days and can't do anything about it. Then you start to 'kick against the pricks.'

So what had the experiment done to females testimonies when they watched xxx rated films?

"Well, women of course are asexual creatures who don't get excited by that sort of thing, they have no propensity to masturbate or look at dirty pictures, or anything of that kind, so we didn't even think to do an experiment with them." Dr. I.M. Hardon said.

"I figure that if we do an experiment with women, we will see how gambling or shopping for shoes or something destroys their testimonys. I mean, the reason most women leave the Church is obviously that they have some sort of gambling problem or drug problem which makes them lose their testimonies."

"Obviously." I said
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Obama Congratulates Monson On Contributing To U.S. Stimulus Package
Thursday, Mar 5, 2009, at 08:16 AM
Original Author(s): Cricket
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
President Obama praises Mormon Church for stimulating U.S. Economy

Washington DC - President Obama phoned President Thomas Monson, Profit, Sneer and Regulator of the LDS Church to thank him for participating in the stimulus and economic recovery of the United States.

Obama specifically thanked Monson for hiring twenty new employees in the Membership and Confidential Records Department who will processing the ever increasing official resignations requests from disaffected Mormons.

Ever quick to point out the positive, Obama thanked Monnson for the millions of dollars that disaffected Mormons are pouring into the U.S. economy instead paying that 10% of their income into the bottomless pit of the Church's treasury.

The phone call ended with Obama telling Monson what a big HBO fan he and the First Lady are and that for next week's Family Home Evening in the Whitehouse, they will for sure be tuned in to see the Mormon Temple ceremony on Big Love.

Monson was reported to be cordial with Obama and even promised that some time in the next century a Black man will be called to be an Apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Seeds of Cain.
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I'm So Excited That I Think I'll Have A Spiritual Anorgasmia If I Don't Tell Someone!
Friday, Apr 3, 2009, at 12:09 PM
Original Author(s): Elder Berry
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
This is so exciting and so indicative of my spiritual leader's adherence to The Truth in making Sacrament Meeting more reverent and spiritual!

It is just such a sign of our times and such a sign of revelation from God, our Heavenly Father!

A special single sister who I've become friendly with in my capacity as Elder's Quorum President has let me in on a secret about something that will be announced in the upcoming Annual General Conference of The Church!

Frequently, this sister asks for blessings from The Priesthood to exorcise her, or dispel her oft-felt feelings of The Adversary in her small apartment. Well, just last night as I was administering to her with one of my counselors, she told me this great news.

Apparently, she is related to a cousin who is related to a mission president, who knows a temple president, who has spoken with an apostle who heard it from the beloved lips of our modern day Prophet himself!

And the exciting news is this - The Clapper is going to be installed in ALL Chapels!!!!!!

WOW! The Spirit is so strong in me I think I might collapse.

I don't know if you all are aware of it, but reverence in the chapels of the church especially during Sacrament Meetings has become THE ISSUE of this our days in this The Final Dispensation of The Lord. It has become such a problem that The Brethren have even considered creating a committee to study how to reduce the crying of children, the whispering, and the disruptive mentally disabled bearing testimonies in Fast and Testimony Meetings.

But, The Lord has touched His holy prophet and there is one thing that he can do to increase the reverent feelings that can be gained in Sacrament Meetings. He can stop all clapping in chapels!

We know it is such an offense to The Spirit and to our Heavenly Father when people clap in His Sacrament Meetings. So now, if there is EVER any clapping or applauding speakers or performers in Sacrament Meetings, the lights will go off and on wildly and stop this disruptive, disrespectful and disobediently irreverent clapping!

Oh, what a modern revelation and wonderful inspiration The Clapper is to us The Lord's very elect people.
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Cliff's Notes Conference - Monson's Opening Remarks
Friday, Apr 10, 2009, at 08:13 AM
Original Author(s): Measure
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Welcome to conference. Wirthlin Passed away, so we called Elder Anderson to be an apostle. If he lives long enough, he'll be your me one day.

While the rest of you were working to earn tithing money for us, We took a retreat to party with Church members in Mexico. I wore a sombrero!

We dedicated a couple of temples, soon we'll dedicate more. I sure like dedicating temples. It really turns me on.

Where was I? Oh yes, the work of the church is moving on uninterrupted. Still don't have a clue what that means, but I'll say it every conference anyway.

We're down to 53,000 Full Time Missionaries, but we have countless Volunteers. Countless. (big grin)

Our Perpetual Education fund is awesomer than ever, and this is starting to pay direct dividends through tithing. Three times higher on their tithing levels! Maybe the church needs a Yacht.

You know what. You are all awesome. All of you are so righteous. Pay more tithing.

Ok, I'm going to name drop a bit now... God's awesome... Gordon B Hinkley is awesome... They both love you. I love you. I love your tithing.

Have a good conference.
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Top Ten Ways General Authorities Eat a Peanut Butter Cup
Friday, May 22, 2009, at 04:46 PM
Original Author(s): Searcher68
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Top Ten Ways General Authorities Eat a Peanut Butter Cup:

10. Paul H. Dunn

I remember back in WWII that I ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Back then, they were big enough to live on for a week. Being the only soldier to have survived the battle in my brigade, I really didn’t know If I could eat it or not, but I remember my fallen buddy’s words as he died in my arms: “Paul, if you just take one bite at a time you can tackle anything.” So I took that giant cup and, breaking it with the bat Babe Ruth gave me after I struck him out with two outs in the bottom of the ninth in the seventh game of the World Series, proceeded to wolf down the tiny morsels.

9. David B. Haight

Imagine 70 years ago on a rough road between Idaho and Logan. There were only Circle K’s, no 7-11’s. You had to bring your Peanut Butter Cups with you. Ruby and I split one for the first time in 1937.

8. Dallin H. Oaks

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup challenges us to consume. From the beginning there have been three steps in eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. First, remove the wrapper. This is best done quickly, by turning the cup over, grasping the outer fold and pulling away from the bottom. Second…

7. Joseph B. Wirthlin

When I was young I would sprint to the corner store, buy a Reese’s and run my hand through my hair before taking it down in one bite. These days I don’t sprint, and I have no hair, but the peanut butter cup remains.

6. Richard G. Scott

If you have not eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, I plead with you. Eat one now. Enjoy the chocolate, the peanut butter. Do not delay. If you have thought, “That’s not for me,” I plead with you to reconsider. Of all foods I treasure, this one was the first.

5. M. Russell Ballard

The time has come when members of the church need to reach out to our friends and share a cup, a peanut butter cup. It is not enough to raise a chocolate bar, it must now have peanut butter.

4. Boyd K. Packer

In all my years, I have always eaten my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups the same way–the established way we have been instructed to eat them. There is a far greater evil in this world, though–those who believe they can eat their cups in a way unconventional to the time-honored manner. We must be true and faithful and eat our Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the customary and recognized approach as it has heretofore been established..

3. Neal A. Maxwell

I intentionally initiate the delicious design of the deglutition of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. It is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated.

2. Thomas S. Monson

I remember I ate my first Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup when I was a tender lad of eight. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, ‘Tommy, are you eating a Reese’s?’

And I would invariably smile up to her, ‘Yes, yes, I am.’

‘But Tommy, did you know that Sister Jensen next door hasn’t eaten a Reese’s Cup in years?’ My young mind thought upon the plight of my neighbor. Tears were shed. Hearts were gladdened. A cup was shared.

1. J. Golden Kimball

Hell, Heber, I’ll eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup any damned way I want!
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An Angel With A Flaming Sword Tells Joseph To Enter Into The Practice Of Polygamy
Monday, Jun 15, 2009, at 08:10 AM
Original Author(s): Ddefective
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
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Why Did God Strike The Angel Moroni With Lightning?
Wednesday, Jun 17, 2009, at 07:51 AM
Original Author(s): Mikemgc
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Q: Why did God strike the Angel Moroni with lightning?

A: Moroni asked for his own burning "bush."

A: Actually God was aiming for the "All Seeing Eye of Rah"

A: He thinks the barefoot moroni's would look better if they were retrofitted with black rubber boots.

A: Moroni fell asleep and stopped playing the trumpet

A: Greedy church leaders used 12 karat instead of 24 karat gold.

A: He's telling the choir he's tired of "classical" music and wants to hear more Jazz and The Blues.

A: The "Joseph Smith Translation of Nursery Rhymes" was incorrect. It's supposed to say "Little boy BLACK, come blow your horn.

A: Hey wanted to see if "once you try black, you never go back" was true with mormons.

A: It wasn't lighting at all. Baby God got hold of a black magic marker.

A: He didn't. Moroni was badly bruised after being stuffed with candy and used as a pinata at a Celestial Family birthday party.
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Tool Comes To Salt Lake And Resassures Mormon Fans
Thursday, Jun 18, 2009, at 08:32 AM
Original Author(s): Beth
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From Tool:
"Knowing that Tool are scheduled to perform at “Energy Solutions Arena” in Salt Lake City, Utah on July 19, 2009, and being very aware that the 19th happens to be a SUNDAY, on behalf of the band, I would like to reassure all those Tool enthusiasts who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or those who are thinking about converting to Mormonism) that they need not worry about any judgment, punishment or other repercussions from breaking the strict rules and attending the show.

Having graduated from Miskatonic University (Go Black Goats!) with a degree in comparative religion, trust me when I tell you that I am well acquainted with the unique beliefs of the so-called “restored church”, and how LDS doctrine urges those to abstain from certain activities on SUNDAYS, including drinking hot beverages, watching R-rated movies, driving to the nearest “Sonic” for a cherry limeade, listening to rock music, and going out to see one’s friends. Therefore, I understand your trepidation about doing NyQuil shots before jumping in dad’s Prius and going to see a Hollywood-based prog-metal band with song titles like “Hooker With A Penis.” Sounds like a good way to end up on the wrong side of the tracks in the Telestial Kingdom, doesn’t it? Well, what if I told you that you could get floor seats for $93.00, sneak in goldfish crackers and/or Nilla wafers, enjoy the entire show, lights and all (on the Sabbath), and still get a Group A boarding pass for the indescribably beautiful realm that could onlybe Celestial Kingdom!"
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Top Ten Issues That Monson Will Raise With Obama Today
Monday, Jul 20, 2009, at 07:32 AM
Original Author(s): Grendel
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
10. Yea, those fundies in Texas are whack jobs, but I do find the women's hairstyles, dresses and absolute obedience very sexy.

9. MMM was just a little misunderstanding.

8. Two words: BYU coeds.

7. Would you give us funds to excavate the Hill Cumorah, I just know there is a big cave under there and millions of dead bodies.

6. Don't be silly, of course we are all going to vote Democrat in the next election.

5. Can I have a Pepsi, my wife won't let me drink it at home.

4. That silly stuff that Brigham Young said about any blacks marrying whites needing to die does not apply to your parents.

3. We really didn't mean to dead dunk your grandmother without your permission, but I'm sure she is much happier now.

2. Are there any TARP funds available for the City Creek project?

1. Can you fund a study to find our why God changed Native Americans DNA on us?
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President Obama's Birth Certificate Has Been Found In Utah
Wednesday, Aug 5, 2009, at 03:07 PM
Original Author(s): Delightsome
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
DRAPER, UTAH (UPI) Just two days after "Birthers" were stung by releasing a clumsy forgery they believed was the Kenyan birth certificate of President Barak Obama, a famous document expert in Utah has declared that he has the certified, correct, document.

Surprisingly, the expert claims the document shows that Obama was born in upstate New York, not Hawaii or Kenya.

Mark Hoffman, a life-long resident of Utah and an aknowledged expert on documents and forgeries told that he has acquired the original document, and can prove it's authenticity. "It's here, in it's entirety" Hoffman posted on the conservative website. "And I will make it public, or rather it's new owner can make it public, for the small price of $250,001."

Asked by Redstate bloggers why he was asking for the extra dollar over a quarter of a million, Hoffman replied that would be the best bid he has recieved thus far.

"I've already got a quarter mil from Dallin C. Oaks" he wrote. "But I'd like to sell a document to somebody else this time."
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Monson Calls For Modesty, Tab Collars
Friday, Aug 28, 2009, at 08:06 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Rexburg, Idaho -- Speaking to students at Brigham Young University, Idaho, LDS church president Thomas S. Monson emphasized the need for modesty and spiritual cleanliness, two virtues he said had nearly been lost in today's so-called modern world.

Citing the poet A. Egbert Doggerel, Monson stated, "Truer words were never spoken than these:

"It matters not if I'm hale and keen If my heart and soul remain unclean!"

The prophet spoke of his dismay at lax dress standards among some members of the church. "I am certain that our dear Heavenly Father looks down upon his children with perhaps a glint of tear in His eye, as He sees so many disregarding the prophetic counsel against slovenly and immodest dress."

He reminded those in attendance of the inspired counsel of President Gordon B. Hinckley in pleading with the fair daughters of Zion to display only one earring on each ear. "Somwhere in the heavens, President Hinckley is smiling in the knowledge that so many have taken his words to heart." But, President Monson intoned gravely, "There is much room for improvement, particularly among you priesthood holders. Are you living up to the Oath and Covenant of the priesthood? Are you conducting yourself with the modesty and dignity that befits someone with your holy calling?"

He then spoke of a troubling trend among the brethren of the church. "I have spent many nights on my knees, praying for guidance as to how I can help the brethren overcome a serious problem. I speak, of course, of the unkempt and often askew collars of our dress shirts. Many are the times when I've sat on the stand in a priesthood meeting and found my spirit troubled by crooked collars. Often the collar doesn't even cover the tie wrapped around the neck. And, difficult as it may be to believe, some brethren cannot even be troubled to button the top button of their shirts. Surely the Spirit is grieved when the brethren of the Holy Priesthood take such a casual attitude toward their responsibilities."

The prophet spoke of the great promise in the Book of Revelation: "He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels" (Rev. 3:5). "Brethren, do you imagine that you will be able to stand in the presence of the Lord with a crooked collar or slovenly tie?"

In His wisdom, the prophet said, the Lord has provided a way for His sons to reach their full potential: tab collars. "It is but a small thing the Lord requires: merely two buttons, one on each side of the collar. Keeping the tabs buttoned will ensure that you are neat and clean both inwardly and outwardly. My beloved brethren, I plead with all the force of a loving heart that you will return to your homes and make immediate and prayerful changes to your wardrobe."

President Monson said that he had been inspired by a visit to a ward in McDermott, Nevada. "Here were the brethren arrayed as mighty warriors, all with tab collars, all neat and inspiring. Hearts were gladdened, spirits were lifted, and collars straightened."

Student reaction was immediate. "I went home and threw out all my old, unworthy white shirts," said Gareth Jensen, a junior from Tempe, Arizona. "I have decided to choose the right, and if that means buying tab collared shirts, I will not shirk."

Tyler Roarke of Redding, California, expressed his desire to follow the prophet with "exactness": "The prophet said we should get tabs on either side of the collar, but when I got my new shirts home, I noticed they had a third button in the back of the collar. I'm a little worried that I may be looking beyond the mark."

Apostle David Bednar hailed the response of the students. "These young men and women know what is important in life, and they are a shining example to the world. One young woman I spoke with broke off her engagement because the young man said he didn't know what the big deal was about tab collars. I'm sure she will be glad for the eternities that she saw the true measure of his faithfulness before she became unequally yoked with him."
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Scriptural Facts That Ring True
Friday, Sep 4, 2009, at 08:08 AM
Original Author(s): Jacyn
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
1. Adam gave all the animals their names. If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. But for Adam's creativity, we might be calling an elephant a "phmmph" or the puffer fish "that scaley spikey thingy" or chimpanzees "those turd-throwing meanies."

2. Adam and Eve became aware of their nakedness only after eating a certain fruit. For many people, three glasses of wine has a similar effect. Coincidence? I think not. Wine is made from fruit. Both fruit and wine are filled with antioxidants. Adam and Eve ate the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and found out they were naked. Wine makes me really smart and can lead to nakedness.

3. God made coats of skins for Adam and Eve after they discovered their nakedness. It makes sense that God will kill a couple of the animals He had just created, tan their hides, and sew outfits for His naughty naked kids. Think about it. That's what parents do.

4. It has been documented that, similar to many men in modern times, at least one man in the Old Testament had a talking ass.

5. God let Satan tempt Job because he was a really good man. So Satan killed Job's family, destroyed his property, covered him with putrid boils, and made his life hell. I love that story. It makes me want to be good like Job.

6. That guy who tried to steady the ark got what was coming to him. Sure he had good intentions, but God doesn't care about those. That God. He's Something Else. Try to help God and you die. F*** that.

7. Bears eat children who mock prophets. That's why I didn't mock any prophets until I was over the age of 18.
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Missionaries Swamped After BYU Win
Thursday, Sep 10, 2009, at 07:50 AM
Original Author(s): Delightsome
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) According to LDS spokesman T. LaVerkin Smoot, mormon missionaries in the midwest and even overseas saw a marked improvement in "first discussion" presentations on Labor Day, less than 36 hours after BYU's shocking upset of the #3 Oklahoma Sooner football team on Saturday night.

The game was telecast on ESPN to a worldwide audience.

Investingating non-members listened to almost three times more presentations by church missionaries, who are estimated to number more than 50,000 worldwide. Further, according to Smoot, those investigators listened, on average, three times longer to the presentaion than had been experienced in the previous 24 months of tracking data.

"Missionaries taught 17 families on Monday alone" Smoot beamed "and those investigators listened for an average of 3.2 minutes each. This proves that BYU truly is a missionary tool of the one true church and that the work moves forward."

Smoot also stated that the general authorities were happy that the game did not go into overtime and that all players were back in the team hotel well before the sabbath began just after midnight CDT.
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Urgent Call Sent Out By The Mormon Church For Dried Beans And Powdered Milk
Thursday, Oct 1, 2009, at 08:03 AM
Original Author(s): Delightsome
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) The LDS church has sent out an urgent request to all of its estimated 13.5 million members to donate non-perishable food items to the church. These items will be distrubuted to tsuanmi victims in Samoa, Tonga and the Phillipine Islands.

In the past, the LDS church has held such relief items in storage. Due to the worldwide economic slump and some lost investment revenue, the church has run low on many of these items.

"What with the big mall we are building, and a few of our investments tanking, the brethren made the prayerful decision to sell off all of our canned corn and tomatoes this harvest season" spokesman T. LaVerkin Smoot told reporters. "Also the bishop's storehouse program has been hit very hard in the past 12 months by a very large number of church investigators."

Smoot added that the brethren felt thay did "pretty well" when they sold off the harvest from the church's massive welfare farm program. "It helped us keep the mall financing intact, at least" he added.

"So we issue this call to the faithful to bring at least 5 cans of food to Temple Square this weekend during general conference. Time is of the essence, since we have a big press conference scheduled for Tuesday morning and we will need many, many crates of foodstuffs as a backdrop for the visuals."

In closing, Smoot added that the church will not be accepting any old clothes or used board games this time around.
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News Flash: LDS Church Leaders Announce Major Update To 13 Articles Of Faith
Wednesday, Oct 7, 2009, at 08:11 AM
Original Author(s): Deconstructor
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
For those who missed conference today, here are the new updated Articles of Faith the church just announced. Share with friends who missed conference!


1. We believe in Joseph Smith. We also believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that these gods were once men, and that you too can become your own god, even though our Prophet, Seer and Revelator denied it on national TV.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, such as murdering or drinking tea, and not for Adam's transgression, unless you were a Negro and died before 1978, in which case you were punished and cursed for the sins of Cain, or for what you did in the pre-existence.

3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, especially tithing and the word of wisdom. However, we do not believe that Christ's sacrifice should be discussed on Easter, as this is a more appropriate time to contemplate the martyr of Joseph Smith, our Prophet, Seer and Savior.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in Joseph Smith; second, Faith in the current version of the Book of Mormon; third, Payment of tithing for the remission of sins; fourth, Repentance for not paying tithing (but only if you catch up); fifth, Blind obedience to the current prophet and to your husband, if you are a woman; sixth, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; seventh, Baptism by complete, total, absolute immersion, in the waters, which, by the way, have been cursed, for the remission of sins; eighth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to collect tithing, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe that if any man behaves as if he was not called by God, then it is appropriate to state that the Church is perfect, it is just the people who are flawed.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, moneychangers in the temple, Young Men/Womens leaders, Relief Society Presidents, Stake Mission Presidents, Young Single Adults Group Leaders, Elders Quorum Presidents, First Counselor to the President and so forth. We also believe that the primitive name for the Christ's church was "Corporation of the President" and was heavily involved in commercial real-estate and stock speculation. Although women held priesthood and administrative offices in Christ's Primitive Church, women do not now and never will again.

7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, faith-healing, interpretation of tongues, tearing out of tongues when you divulge endowment secrets, tithing, investments, media manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly (we reserve the right to decide which verses are translated correctly and which are not); we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations. We are currently undecided as to the divine origin of the Book of Abraham, however.

9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that our Church President or Glenn Beck will tell us.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent or the Middle East; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory. We also believe that our blood may be miraculously changed to that of the Tribe of Ephraim.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience as dictated by the President of the Church, and allow all straight men the same privilege, let them worship however incorrectly, wherever wrongly, or whatever idolatrous beings they may, since Protestant ministers are hirelings of Satan. When we can, we deny Gays the right to live their lives as they choose, especially in California and Utah.

12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it. That's why we Mormons make such good CIA employees and conservative lawyers.

13. We believe in rich lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall buildings, church-owned malls, dark blue suits, white shirts, magic underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it.
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The Bishopric Meeting
Monday, Oct 12, 2009, at 07:52 AM
Original Author(s): Mortal Man
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Last night in bishopric meeting the subject turned to General Conference. Our second counselor suddenly got very excited and said, "Hey! Did you guys hear Elder Holland's talk? Man was he fired up!"

To which our first counselor replied, "Oh boy, he sure was! I can't believe he actually called out people by name!"

He was, of course, referring to Solomon Spalding and Ethan Smith.

Our first counselor continued, "Man I would hate to be those guys! They must have been quaking in their boots to hear their names called out in General Conference like that!"

At this point our bishop chimed in, "You're not kidding! Those guys are going to have to repent!"

Second counselor: "Yeah, I don't know who those guys are but can you imagine sitting there listening to conference and hearing your name called out like that?"

First counselor: "I don't think I've ever heard an apostle in General Conference single anyone out like that. They must have done something really bad!"

At this point everyone began talking simultaneously, speculating on what was going to happen to those guys.

Then the executive secretary paused and said, "Hey wait a minute, I'm not sure but I think one of those guys might be historical." Unfortunately, no one but me heard him because they were all talking too loudly.

I began to respond to the secretary's comment but quickly stopped myself so as not to spoil the great fun they were all having.

I really like our bishopric meetings.
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H. Farber Jensen Is The Only Apologist Who Gets Shiz Right
Wednesday, Oct 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM
Original Author(s): Gorspel Dacktrin
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
An excerpt from a recent write-up on H. Farber Jensen, the internationally recognized Shiz expert:

Meet H. Farber Jensen, the internationally acclaimed expert on the Book of Mormon and Shiz Studies.

It's important for as many people as possible to be aware of this rising star in the field of Shiz Studies, a little-known academic branch of Book of Mormon Studies, dedicated to fostering deeper understanding of the pivotal role that Shiz played in the Book of Mormon narrative.

H. Farber Jensen is an internationally acclaimed Shiz expert and is the director of RANCHES (Really Arcane Nugatory Church History and Esoteric Studies).

Read some of the acclaim:

"H. Farber Jensen really knows his Shiz!" - Lord Fauntleroy, Chairman of the Royal Society of Shizmania

"Who is full of Shiz, uh, you know, who is full of an amazing amount of Shiz knowledge? Horatio Farber Jensen, that's who." - Reginald D. Ruggers, Editor of the World of Archaeology and Deep Shiz Excavation Review.

"You can't step into any Shiz debate without finding H. Farber Jensen right in the middle." - Dirk Demone, Director of FIELDSS (Foundation of Intelligently Enigmatic Latter-Day Saint Scholars)

"I am always amazed at all the little piles of Shiz research papers scattered around Brother Jensen's home. Sometimes when I visit I find myself standing up to my waist in piles of his Shiz research." - G. Hinckley, best-selling author of "Standing in Something"

"If it looks like Shiz, smells like Shiz and tastes like Shiz, H. Farber Jensen is on top of it." - Grant N. Funk, friend of H. Farber Jensen

Some excerpts from "You Don't Know Shiz!" Jensen's latest book:

"When people talk Shiz to me, I talk Shiz right back at them." (from the preface)

"I love seeing the light go on in a young scholar's eyes when I tell them of the tenderness that Coriantumr showed to Shiz in Shiz's last moment of life. While the body of Shiz was struggling to get up, the head of Shiz has already rolled to a stop at the feet of Coriantumr. As the life force seeped out of the Shiz head, Shiz could only think of one thing. He wanted to taste one last biscuit. Looking up at Coriantumr, he weakly pleaded, 'I sure would like to eat a biscuit before I die. Do you have a biscuit?' Suddenly filled with compassion for his fallen foe, Coriantumr pulled his last biscuit out of his fanny pack and gently pressed it to Shiz's lips, softly speaking the unforgettable words, 'Eat, Shiz, and die!' Whereupon Shiz did eat and Shiz did die." (from page 43)

My Testimony:

I would like to recommend "You Don't Know Shiz" to everyone here. It is inspiring and thought provoking. After reading it you will never be able to look at Shiz the same way again. Your heart and mind will be full of Shiz.
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BYU Buddie Studie - Cogntivie Dissonance
Monday, Nov 2, 2009, at 07:57 AM
Original Author(s): Cricket
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
And it came to pass that lo and behold, mo-pologists, apologists and pretzel logicians spread and duplicated themselves across the land eastward from Utah Lake, northward to the Great Salt Lake, yea, even to the land Bountiful, and soutward to the Land of Payson, covering the land like unto a flock of Mormon crickets, encouraged by The Brethren at 50 East South Temple explain the unexplainable and mystify the mundane mantras of Mo-dum, and divert the pestilence of honest inquiring minds of the faithful, yea, becoming so numerous that they began to call themselves, Nibleyites, Petersonsite, Meldrumites, Sorensonites, Midgelyites, Trilobites and Stalagmites, and behold they did gather at annual conferences to argue amongst themselves regarding a narrow neck of land, yea even to the point of becoming stiff-necked themselves, thus denying the teaching of the modern day prophets such as Spencer Kimball, Brigham Young and Joseph Fielding Smith, and ignoring Gordon B. Hinckley and Thomas S. Monson because these prophets had no teahings regarding the principal ancestors of the people of the Book of Mormon.

BYU Buddie Studie - Cogntivie Dissonance - Volume 2,395 page 2,675 paragraph 279a
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Imagine If You Will, A Wonderful And Marvelous Machine Called The Kolobatron
Thursday, Jul 15, 2010, at 08:02 AM
Original Author(s): Elder Berry
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
It will cost you a lot of money, but it is worth it according to the manufacturer's salesman Joe Smith. The manufacturer guarantees that it will help you see visions of the future, have random things happen to you that will bring you luck as well as help you find your car keys when they get lost.

But wait, there's more. It has a feature called The Liahoninonya that actually helps you discern when people aren't being straight with you or if there is some impending bad luck headed your way.

But wait, there's more. It has another feature called The Celestial Sealer which guarantees that all of your family can share this device sort of like a family cell phone plan.

But wait, there's more. It includes access to an oracle of all knowledge called "The Prophet" who you can read or listen to and if you follow will never let you down like so many people have in your life.

But wait, there's more. Another feature of The Kolobatron is it provides you a security pass to get into some really ritzy retreats where you dress up all in white and watch movies, hang out in cool lobbies and learn all sorts of secret mysteries of The Universe.

But wait, there's more. If you are a man or boy The Kolobatron contains an extra mode where if you wear a white shirt and tie, you can cure cancer and all other sorts of human health problems.

But wait, there's more. All users of The Kolobatron get free bread and water on Sundays.

And friends, if you are having problems with people who don't have a Kolobatron rest assured that they are just jealous or didn't use it properly according to the many guide books provided for its use. If you have any problems with your Kolobatron you can rely on a huge network of owners who can give you all sorts of tricks and techniques to use yours to the fullest.

So, call now and we will send a couple of representatives right away to get you started using your new Kolobatron today!

I know this magical mystery machine works and is the best thing ever to come to humanity. I just know the manufacturer wouldn't have produced it if it wasn't because the manufacturer is Jehovah Christ Reserve Inc.

Jesus knows how to make a fantasy come true for me and He will do the same for you!
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Members To Be Given Emeritus Status
Friday, Jul 16, 2010, at 08:50 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Although it's a couple of years old, it's still relevant:

The LDS church announced today a new program granting emeritus status to members who fall outside of traditional activity.

“As the church continues to grow at a fast pace, many of its members find themselves unable to maintain church activity for a variety of reasons,” said spokesman Dan LeFevered. “Always sensitive to the needs of the members, the brethren have fasted and prayed for guidance and have been inspired to grant these nontraditional members ‘emeritus’ status.”

Currently, statistics are kept on those who do not attend a church meeting in a given quarter. From this point on, LeFevered explained, members who do not attend a meeting in a given quarter will be termed “members emeritus.”

Emeritus members will be counted as members in the annual statistical report, but they will not be counted towards activity rates.

“Isn’t it marvelous?” said church president Thomas S. Monson in a written statement. “Instantly we have the highest activity rate of any religion in the world: 100%.”

LeFevered explained that activity rates will be calculated from members who attend a meeting at least once quarterly, so in effect, all who are counted are considered active. And those who do not attend are considered “emeritus” and will not count.

When asked about those who resign their membership in the church, LeFevered responded, “We don’t think there’s a need for that drastic a step. Rather than go through the difficult process of writing a letter, members can simply choose to grant themselves emeritus status.”

LeFevered went on to say that the new program is retroactive to the beginning of the church. “We have sent out millions of letters to former members notifying them of the change to their status.”

Fred Pecker, professional anti-Mormon, reached by phone in Washington State, expressed outrage intially at the new policy. “Yeah, I got my letter welcoming me back into the kingdom. But I’ve been thinking about it. Maybe it’s time for me to come back, anyway. I’m going to call my bishop today.”

LeFevered explained that the new status would also take the place of disciplinary councils, which had been taking up too much of church leaders’ time. “It’s much easier for a stake president to click an ‘emeritus’ button on a computer than it is to convene a high council to try a case.”

He went on to say that leaders have wide discretion as to how to use emeritus status. “It could be for serious transgression, or it could just be to rein in people who are, you know, a little off.”

Food Sciences professor and FARMS contributor Daniel Midgley-Welch explained that this system has its roots in the Mosaic practice of counting membership by tribe and family, such that no one was left out. “We even see echoes of this in the census that played a prominent role in the Savior’s birth in Nazareth.”

Midgley-Welch expressed bewilderment that he and the entire staff at FARMS have received letters from the First Presidency granting them emeritus status. “Maybe they think we need more time to research the gospel. That’s just like the brethren, always thinking of us.”

“Yeah, sure, if that’s how they want to look at it,” said LeFevered.
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Top Ten Future Mormon Faith Promoting Rumors
Monday, Jul 19, 2010, at 08:47 AM
Original Author(s): Cricket
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
10. A Mormon working in the basement of the Church Office Building's computer department invented the Internet in the early 1990's.

9. The virtual endowment started in 2035 with invention of the iPhone 10G when the average age of Mormon baby boomers reached 100 years and they were to physically frail to attend the temple.

8. 2025 - The LDS General Conference sessions merged with the American Association of Retired Persons AARP to fill those embarrassingly empty seats in the Conference Center, converting thousands of people with dementia who did not know any better, reminiscent of the mass conversions of English immigrants in the 1800's.

7. 2037 - Mormon physicist Philo Nephi Farnsworthy working the CERN accelerator in Switzerland miraculously warps self through worm hole to Kolob and back thus confirming the existence of Elohim.

6. 2015 - Tweeting the names Holocaust victims directly to temple baptismal fonts increases proxy production and prevents Jewish watchdogs from discovering the practice.

5. 2014 - Installation of GPS devices into the craniums of Mormon missionaries allows church headquarters to ensure the "No Companion Left Alone" policy which BYU had inspired with their "No Student Left Behind in the Pac Ten" program.

4. 2013 - Mormon Prophet Boyd K Packer at age 96 joins Facebook in an attempt to secure friends - only brown nosing GA wannabee Glen Beck signs on as friend.

3. 2012 - Mormon Apostle and prior Utah Supreme Court Justice Dallin H Oaks joins Legal Zoom dot com in an effort to convert Robert Shapiro to Mormonism since Shapiro was naive enough to believe O. J. Simpson was NOT guilty.

2. 2012 - Thomas S Monson drafts Sarah Palin to become the First Lady of the Relief Society ensuring her that this is a secure step on her way to the Presidency of United States.

1. 2011 - Jeffrey Holland appears on the Dave Letterman show with his own top ten ways to crawl over, under and around a five ton replica of the Book of Mormon.
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Top Ten Rejected Titles For Monson Biography
Friday, Aug 6, 2010, at 08:12 AM
Original Author(s): Substrate
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
As you may have read, Deseret Book is releasing "To the Rescue: The Biography of Thomas S. Monson." Sources have confirmed that several titles were considered before the decision was made:

10. Fake It Till You Make It
9. Bad Poetry and Parakeets
8. No Widow Left Behind
7. The Passive Triplet and Other Ways to Treat Your Audience Like Preschoolers
6. My Dinner With Honecker
5. From Apostle to Prophet: The Professional Life of Thomas Monson
4. Son of Obituary: What I've Learned from Attending Funerals
3. I Forbid You! Casting Out Doubt, Reason, and So-called Science in an Age of Uncertainty
2. My Kingdom for a Mall
1. Too Busy Doing Good Works to Draw Attention to Myself
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Books On Mormonism I Want To Write
Thursday, Aug 12, 2010, at 09:05 AM
Original Author(s): Jacyn
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
"From 'Dirty Sex' to 'Delicious Chocolatey Candy With or Without Nuts': The Making of a Mormon Curse Word."

"Over or Under? The Mormon Woman's Bra Conundrum."

"'I Don't Think We Teach That' and Other Memos I Missed but Learned About on 'Larry King Live.'"

"Drink the KoolAid On Your Own Terms. All We Really Care About is Your 10%."

"Futile Pursuit: Losing My Identity to Become the Wife and Mother the Lord Wants Me to Be."

"To Make Your Man Happy or Teach Pigs to Fly? And Other Hobson's Choices of Mormonism."

"'Hey Joe, Pick Me. I Have a Vagina.' And Other Lessons Learned from Polygamy."

"Jesus Said Love Everyone. ***snort!!!***"

"Righteous and Passive Aggressive: Promoting Your Faith While Knifing You in the Back."

"Masters of Mainstreaming: How 'Abominable Perverts' Became 'People With Civil Rights, Too!' (If You Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em)."

"I Have No Life: The Making of a Relief Society Handout that Will Really Impress the Sisters While Increasing Their Feelings of Inadequacy."

"God's Penis or Joseph's Myth? Six Centimeters in One, Half a Dozen Centimeters in the Other."
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Kolob Kruises! Join Us As We Hie To Kolob, Closest Rock To God
Monday, Sep 27, 2010, at 07:26 AM
Original Author(s): Tahoe Girl
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Kolob Kruises! Join us as we hie to Kolob, closest rock to God...

Join us as we hie to Kolob, closest rock to God. Your comfort aboard our Kolob Kruisers is of the utmost importance to us, so let us know how we can make your voyage both comfortable and meaningful.

Entertainment aboard your Kolob Kruiser will include reruns of the Donny and Marie Show, Johnny Lingo, and Dancing With the Stars episodes featuring a very special doll dance by Marie Osmond (she makes dolls, you know.)

For your listening pleasure you’ll have your choice of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Gladys Knight’s “One Voice”, or the Primary children from Kolob 2573rd ward droning on about Following the Prophet.

Snacks en route will be your favorite flavors of jello, with Cheerios for the little ones.

Dinner is included in the fare and features creamy funeral potatoes, sliced ham, and jello salad embedded with grated carrots, cooked ground beef and chunked pineapple.

During a two hour layover on the moon you will have the option to disembark and gawk at the 6 ft. tall, 1000 year old Moon Quakers.

Come with us! Enjoy the ride!

After touching down on this planet closest to where God resides, you’ll want to rest and refresh yourselves for the busy week ahead. We’ll shuttle you up Deseret Drive to Cumorah Crest where you’ll find your lodgings in tree-lined Liahona Lane. The beautiful Hearth and Home Bed and Breakfast is run by the sister-wives of Zoram. Cost per night is three senums which includes your room and a sumptuous breakfast in the morning.

You’ll find plenty to do on Kolob. Ride along the lovely mountain ridges astride a wooly curelom. Your guide, Mahonri Moriancumer (a large and mighty man), will point out famous landmarks such as the stately summer homes of several of Heavenly Father’s plethora of wives.

Afternoons are always warm on this planet so you’ll want to don your Kolob skivvies for a dip in the beautiful blue waters of Sebus. The brightness from God’s residence keeps the sparkling waters at a constant temperature of 87 degrees F.

After your swim, hie on over to Celestiavilla, the dwelling place of the whitest and most delightsome of Kolob folk. You’ll find only the best of neighborhoods on Kolob, for dark and loathsome is prohibited. On your journey there, you’ll also note that Kolobians are perpetually young since there is no end to youth on Kolob.

You’ll not want for good food while on your travels there. Be sure to visit Kolob Bakery and enjoy the Necro-Dunkin’ Donuts! These delectable delights are deep fried in a huge vat of oil which rests on the backs of 12 oxen carved from authentic olive wood from the Holy Land on planet Earth. You can also visit the bakery’s gift shop where you can purchase a special signature Baker’s Hat, complete with bow. Receive a 10% discount with the super secret handshake.

At the 3 Nephites Grill you’ll enjoy grilled cumom along with deep fried manna drizzled with honey taken from a nearby deseret hive. Poultry skewered with iron rods roast to a delicious-doneness as they rotate slowly on the hand-turned spit. The price of these hearty meals ranges from 1 ½ shiblons to 1 ezrom depending on how hungry you are.

Be sure to step into Zelph’s Bar where Zelph will personally serve you his out-of-this-world Pay Lay Ale as he tells you tales of life as a white and delightsome Lamanite on earth. After a night at Zelph’s you may want to stop off at Laban’s Head where, for a small fee of one shiblum, you can use the facilities.

Your return to earth will be through the unique Mormon time machine. Since one day in Kolob is equal to a thousand years on earth, you’ll be returned to earth a mere week after you left through the special process of exmosis through the time machine.

But wait! Before leaving the planet, swing by the ever-popular Kolob Kool-Aid stand. Go ahead! Drink the Kool-Aid!

(Feel free to add what you'd like to see or experience on your Kolob Kriuse!)

(Copyright 2010) Tahoe Girl
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12 Days Of A Utah Christmas
Thursday, Dec 9, 2010, at 08:37 AM
Original Author(s): Utahmonomore
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
On my first Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • popcorn poppin on the Apricot tree
On my second Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Two years on a mission and the Smart family on TV
On my third Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Three degrees of glory
  • Two years in Australia
  • And a first amedment controversy
On my fourth Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • 4-A high school roundball
  • Three Sunday meetings
  • Two years in Korea
  • And that business with the SLOC
On my fifth Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Five-quart ice creams
  • Four firing squads
  • Two years in Peru
  • And a movie thats G or PG
On my sixth Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Six kids and counting
  • Five years of drought
  • Four qulting bees
  • Three meth labs
  • Two years in Japan
  • And a reservoir thats almost empty
On my seventh Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Seven singing Osmonds
  • Six kids and counting
  • Five Tom Green wives
  • Forbidden love
  • Three spudnuts
  • Two years in Brazil
  • And a single poli-tickle party
On my eighth Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Eight cups of Postem
  • Seven kids and counting
  • Six beehive hairdos
  • Five months of snow
  • Forty private clubs(for members)
  • Three-two beer
  • Two years in Taiwan
  • And a salty lake thats really stinky
On my ninth Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Nine percent minorities
  • Eight kids and counting
  • Seventies in Conference
  • Sixteen to start dating
  • Five feet of slush(oh my heck!)
  • Forgeries for sale
  • Three piece suits
  • Two years in Ukraine
  • And a fiancee in Happy Vall-ey
On my tenth Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Ten bucks for parking
  • Nine kids and counting
  • Eight missing off ramps
  • Seven guns per person
  • Six famous golfers
  • Utah by five
  • Fourteen ski resorts
  • Three fault lines
  • Two years in Detroit
  • And a minivan or SUV(or both plus a station wagon)
On my eleventh Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Eleven Mormon Temples
  • Ten kids and counting
  • Nine NuSkin neighbors
  • Ate at Chuck-a-Rama
  • Theven thpecial thpiritth
  • Six Jello salads
  • Five Orrin terms(oh my Hatch!)
  • Forecast is cold
  • Three Eubanks(three?)
  • Two years in Tibet
  • And an uncompleted Legacy Highway
On my twelth Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
  • Twelve year old deacons
  • Eleven kids and counting
  • Ten percent tithing
  • Nine zillion seagulls
  • Ate a bunch of crickets
  • Seven Peaks in Provo
  • Six hours to Vegas
  • Five pro sports teams(if you count indoor football)
  • Four standard works
  • Three Nephites
  • Tooele rocks
  • And construction on I-15
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New Years Resolutions For The Prophet And 12 Apostles
Tuesday, Jan 4, 2011, at 07:46 AM
Original Author(s): Primus
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
In the new year spirit(tm) just like the rest of us, most of the Apostles and the Prophet have ideas of what they would like to do for the new year which would be an improvement over the previous year. Many people choose weight lose or making more money, well, not our favorite Brethren. Here is a list of some of the resolutions they came up with.

Thomas S. Monson - To become a Widower before his wife becomes a widow so he can use his great influence on other widows and singles, like Nelson and Oaks did.

Henry B. Eyring - Buy some stock in Kleenex and Puff's tissue paper

Dieter F. Uchtdorf- Find an analogy for next conference not related to flying airplanes

Boyd K. Packer - Find his lost little factory

L. Tom Perry - Get back the flannel board he loaned out in 1972, he has some very media intensive projects in the works.

Jeffrey R. Holland - Convince members during the next conference that his Book Of Mormon on CD is the original hand written manuscripts of Joseph Smith using a little know 'Apostle Mind Trick' he got the idea for from watching Star Wars.

David A. Bednar - Return Boyd's little factory.

Robert D. Hales - Ask Jeffery R. Holland for his jowls so he can fill in his withered face.

Quintin L. Cook - Get further into the shadow of Russell Ballard.

Richard G. Scott - Come up with a great talk for conference about how victims really are responsible for whatever happens to them and should feel great guilt and then one minute telling them they are not at fault.

M. Russell Ballard - Get his own internet Youtube Channel. Lying for the Lord

Neil L. Anderson - Making his mark on the Quorum by doing something to upset the anti-mormon community so Primus can come up with something for him in 2012, like a pickle speech or something.

D. Todd Christopherson - Get a new toupee

Dallin H. Oaks - Start carrying around airfreshner with him to spray the room after he speaks some absurd legalize about why the Church is the victim, not the group they are persecuting, the next time he speaks out his ass.
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More Things You Definitely Won't Hear At Conference
Tuesday, Mar 22, 2011, at 07:49 AM
Original Author(s): The Man In Black
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
More things you definitely won't hear at conference...

• We are now pleased to announce a new singles ward program for same-sex oriented members.

• Sisters and brothers (in that order).

• Now I speak somewhat to the youth of the Church. Be wise. Use protection for Christ's sake! Here is a picture of what syphilis looks like.

• Sisters, the Lord has revealed that it is now time for you to bear the priesthood.

• It appears that someone has voted opposed. We will now take some time to hear his concern.

• The law of consecration will be restored in the upcoming year. Abolishment of private property and Zion are key tenants of the one true religion. The choir now sing, "We thank thee O God for a Manifesto."

• Brethren. Love your wives. Love her often. Maybe try a new position tonight.

• To each of you I bear solemn witness that Christ lives. He and I had lunch yesterday. He says "hi."

• We are pleased to announce the construction of a soup kitchen in Salt Lake City.

• Members, please spend more time with your families, and less at all these mandatory meetings.

• (Bednar). Why yes, my hair IS plastic.

• (Ukdorf). I will now tell a story without airplanes.

• (Packer). Years ago I had a little toy factory...

• (Holland). I love you all. You all do so well. Keep up all the good work my dear brother's and sisters. You deserve no rebuke today.

• (Oaks). Sue us then!

• (Eyring). Brothers and sisters when it comes to money you your damn brains. Don't trust that magic ponies will pay your mortgage for you just because you donated money to a corporation. That's silly.

• (Christofferson) No I'm really not a guest speaker. Why does everyone think that?

• (Monson). Hearts were touched, and tears were shed. In the name of Jesus Christ, our lord our savior, our raptor, amen.
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The Top Ten List Of Runtu's Top Ten Lists
Tuesday, Mar 22, 2011, at 08:02 AM
Original Author(s): Dr. Shades
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Everybody loves Runtu's "Top Ten" lists. After scouring through the archives. . . and with a little help from the search feature. . . I have compiled a list of the top ten of Runtu's top ten lists:

10. The top ten Internet domains bought up by Allen "The Slug" Wyatt before anyone else could register them

09. The top ten methods Mopologists use to deny the Internet Mormon/Chapel Mormon dichotomy

08. The top ten disappointments expressed by attendees of William Schryver's FAIR presentation

07. The top ten Mopologetic theories for why Robert Ritner quit John Gee's dissertation committee

06. The top ten Book of Abraham champions who ran for the hills after an exchange or two with Brent Metcalfe

05. The top ten ways in which Louis Midgley has embarrassed himself in public

04. The top ten misogynistic comments posted to by faithful Priesthood holders

03. The top ten uses of light cotton

02. The top ten things that FAIR and FARMS would like to do to Rodney Meldrum

01. The top ten excuses Juliann has given for failing to cough up the transcript. . . you know, like the kind that court stenographers make
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The Emperor’s New Clothes: An Apologetic Defense Of Truth In The Face Of Folly
Tuesday, Apr 5, 2011, at 06:56 AM
Original Author(s): John Larsen
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From time to time the so-called historians and folklorist roll out their same tired old arguments. I probably shouldn’t grace this folly with another written response, but I feel a general calling to do so and hope that I can spare some honest inquirer the error of unreasonable attack.

Those who have engaged in these attacks against our beliefs have long done so under the guise of scholarship, but their thinly veiled language barely masks the contempt they have for our faith. I must further state that we, as believers do not like to talk about the New Clothes, because we hold them to be sacred. They are not secret, but out of deference to our faith these “scholars” should honor our wishes about writing and speaking of the garment. However, they will continue to display their disdain for the defenders of truth.

Of course, the most well known anti-Imperial writer is none other than the infamous Hans Christian Andersen. Anderson, the flirtatious homosexual and known recluse provided a distorted view of the truth that is still leading many innocent readers astray even today. Today, most of the writings by the so-called scholars quote Anderson as a primary source, displaying their confirmed bias against our beliefs. Rather than provide new arguments, they continue to simply regurgitate old arguments that we have successfully dealt with in the past. So, with a big sigh and a cluck I will again deal with these arrogant attacks with my humble writing.

First of all Anderson and those of his ilk simple love to parade out the same old lies time and time again. Take for example the idea that the tailors, Guido and Luigi Farabutto, were swindlers is a mistruth, perpetuated by those wishing to destroy the faith and virtue of millions. In reality, the tailors were acting in the role of an Elias as evident by their providing the sacred garment to the Emperor. How could the humble tailors be deceiving the great Emperor when they were providing a service? Although it is true that they did charge the Emperor for their services, they were simply following the common practices of their time. Indeed, since there is no evidence that they overcharged the Emperor, we can conclude that they charged less than the normal rate for tailor services. Swindlers indeed! These men were providing their service at a lost, almost certainly.

The most glaring mistake is of course the assumption that there was no clothing. This bald face begging-of-the-question is the weak foundation upon which they build their entire case. However, there is nothing in any of the writings to assume that the clothing was not there. We shall return to why some did not see it in a moment. They are assuming that there was no garment, something that they themselves must take on faith. They simply substitute faith for faith and act as if they are on some sort of moral high ground. However, the burden of proof is on them to prove that the garment did not exist. For we have several witness who can affirm to its existence. Not just one tailor, but both confirmed its reality. Furthermore, the emperor and all of his aids attested to its existence confirming that they saw it with their own eyes! Testimony like that that is not so easy to dismiss.

The ongoing attack on the Emperors aids has been a cunning ploy to discredit those who meekly submit to righteous authority. These humble workers would have every reason in the world to tell their Emperor if the garment was a fake. What would they possibly gain by lying? This reveals the biggest gap in the anti-Believers theory. Their theory makes no sense in light of human nature and they must twist and tug their distorted views to make it even seem plausible.

The antis rely on the simple testimony of a child and the riotous crowd as their sole confirmation that the garments were not real. Once again, they ignore the valiant testimony of all of those who had seen the garment. Do they not read the very works they are criticizing? For right in the text it states that only those who were good and refined could see the garment. We then turn to the unrefined street rabble to confirm its existence. Their very protest confirms that the garment existed, for if it existed, they would not be able to see it!

We also have the testimony today of the millions of believers who wear the New Clothes at our sacred services in this day and age. We can provide no other information due to its sacred nature, but suffice it to say that their testimony is added to the stack. How can so many believers who have seen and experienced the garment–and offer their humble testimony be wrong. The anti writers display their supreme arrogance by suggesting that they know more than millions!

Lastly, and most important we have information for our day and time that confirms the validity of the New Clothes. From modern revelation we have their words delivered to the Emperor:

“The garment is most sacred, and desirable above all things. And the children of men do desire to possess these things. Yea, they do strive with the cunning, and with their deceptions, and with their lyings and murderings.

“Blessed are ye, who shall believe. For behold, I provide unto a sign of their disbelief. For those who disbelief in the New Clothes shall not see, if it shall be as if they are naught. But fear not, for you shall see.

“And if the disbelief of thine own heart causes you to not see. Behold, I command that you shall exercise the desire to see. And if the desire is true even one day you shall see, and this is my witness to you.

“And in that great day, behold, the clothing shall be revealed to the unbelievers. And there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. And all shall know that ye do wear the true clothing in righteousness.”

The attackers have full access to these revelations but they conveniently ignore this ancient evidence showing again that they are more interested in perpetuating their lies than dealing with reason and logic.
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Mormon Jesus: Cursing The Wicked With Dark Skin
Friday, Apr 15, 2011, at 08:56 AM
Original Author(s): Mormongags
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
From Mormon Gags:
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Top Ten Things For Ex-Mormons To Do In Case The Church Is True
Tuesday, Jul 26, 2011, at 07:32 AM
Original Author(s): Sl Cabbie
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Top Ten Things For Ex-Mormons to do in Case The Church is True...

10. Collect as many secret temple names from hot ladies as possible...

9. After you croak, tell the guy at the gate you're a friend of J. Golden Kimball

7. Wake up and shake it off the way you would any other bad dream...

6. Come the Resurrection, glance down at where your genitals used to be, acknowledge the feeling, and remember all the trouble the damn things caused you in the first place.

5. Blame it all on Steve Benson...

4. Blame it all on Boyd K. Packer.

3. Bring up the subject of Hitler's temple work to the gatekeeper...

2. Spill the beans on all the family secrets and claim you didn't want to spend forever with most of those d-bags anyway...

1. Start an MLM coffee operation in Outer Darkness

And a Happy Pioneer Day--er day after to all my fellow Exmo's...
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Making The Evidence Fit
Thursday, Oct 27, 2011, at 12:49 PM
Original Author(s): Home Teacher
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Good morning brothers and sisters. Today's lesson is on how to make all the evidence fit together neatly. The great thing about the gospel is we know it is true, even perfectly true. Therefore, the evidence will fit perfectly. Sometimes members struggle when so called evidence from the wordly scholars appears to contradict the gospel truths. However, if you trust in the lord, these seeming contradictions will melt away.

Today's lesson is an object lesson. You will need a square peg, round hole, and big hammer. The square peg is symbolic of the gospel truths. The round hole symbolizes the scientific evidence from worldly scholars. The hammer represents the Lord.
  1. Attempt to push the square peg through the round hole without the hammer. No matter how much you strain, you cannot make it fit.
  2. Now, take the hammer and pound the square peg into the round hole. If you hit the peg enough times and hard enough it will eventually go in.
In conclusion, as the object lesson illustrates, without the Lord we are powerless to make the evidence fit. However, with the Lord's strength, we can make it all fit together.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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The City Creek Mall
Wednesday, Nov 16, 2011, at 07:54 AM
Original Author(s): Salamandersociety
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
"What is this?

A mall

Does it have a name?

It does.

Will you give it to me?

I will at the cash register.

Health in my wallet, strength in my shopping bag, be upon my purchases and all those that use these purchases, until they go out of fashion, or until they come back in fashion.

PAY LAY bill. (but have an ALE at Laban's head pub)"
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The LDS Newsroom Presents: "Dealing with Bad News"
Friday, Mar 16, 2012, at 07:19 AM
Original Author(s): Darth J
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Church Statement Regarding 'Deseret News' Article on Internet Porn and Utah

SALT LAKE CITY--The Church issued the following statement today in response to news media requests:

In 2009, the Deseret News reported that Utah has the highest rate of paid online porn subscriptions in America. ( Since that article was printed in the Deseret News and other media outlets, some have jumped to speculative conclusions about what this says about Latter-day Saints. Such persons have also misrepresented the Church's teachings in their statements. It is unfortunate that the Church was not given a chance to respond to what others said.

Since its earliest days, the Church has encouraged its members to be responsible, self-reliant, and economically self-sufficient. When the worldwide economic downturn began in 2008, the Church reminded its members to follow the old adage, ""Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." ( And that advice certainly applies to viewing online pornography. Members of the Church believe that financial responsibility should always be kept in mind when choosing what kind of pornography we are willing to pay for. As President Thomas S. Monson taught in the November 2002 issue of the Ensign, "We must not allow our yearnings to exceed our earnings."

These teachings about financial responsibility go hand-in-hand with another important principle of the gospel: honesty. The Lord told the ancient Israelites, "Thou shalt not steal." When we take products or services from others without paying for them, we are stealing. We are stealing their livelihoods and their work. As one Church leader has observed, "Stealing is a sin against our Heavenly Father even when motivated by need and poverty. The act dishonors God (see Prov. 30:9).( Conversely, the honest man who chooses not to steal, even under stressful circumstances, shows trust in God. He is conscious of his covenant relationship with the Lord and chooses to sustain it."

No matter how much we need or want something, it is wrong to take it without paying for it. Further, the Lord has commanded His followers to be wise in how they use the resources they have been blessed with. We condemn dishonesty, which includes stealing, and we are pleased that so many of our members recognize the need to be honest in their dealings with their fellow men.
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Governor Boggs' Extermination Order Was Not Doctrine
Thursday, Apr 12, 2012, at 07:06 AM
Original Author(s): Boggs Apologist
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
The state of Missouri is often asked about the Extermination Order issued by governor Boggs against the Mormons. It has come to our understanding that church leaders still talk about this from the pulpit and teach it in their lesson manuals. The Extermination Order was a sad and tragic incident in Missouri history, carried out by a few rogue Missourians, but it is important to remember that the Extermination Order was not doctrinal.

A Governor is only a Governor when speaking as such. It is clear that the extermination order was only the opinion of Governor Boggs, and was never official doctrine. We know this because the state of Missouri revoked the order in 1976. If it was official doctrine, it never would have been revoked. It saddens me that mormons continue to bring up this old tired argument in an attempt to discredit Governor Boggs. It is obvious to those of us who have actually studied the issue that the Extermination Order was not taken seriously by the vast majority of Missourians. Only a few rogue men who misunderstood the order took it upon themselves to commit crimes against the mormon people.

We don't know why Governor Boggs said what he did. Many people have tried to offer an explanation with limited light and knowledge, but the truth is we just don't know. The important thing to remember is the order was revoked over 35 years ago. We welcome Mormons into our great state with open arms. We have moved on, and we wish that the church would finally put this behind them. Sadly, it seems the old saying is true - you can leave Missouri, but you can't leave Missouri alone.
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The City Creek Song
Thursday, Apr 12, 2012, at 07:24 AM
Original Author(s): Anonofthis
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Sing to When upon life's Billows...

When upon life's billows and you need to shop
When you are discouraged at the parking lots
Come to CITY CREEEEK,..... each and everyone
And it will surprise you what God's corp-or-ation's done

C....ount your mone...y, hundreds...fives and ones
C....ount your credit cards and see what sales are on
Ignore the home.......less outside the temple walls
Count how endless tithing had.... no effect at all.

Are you ever burdened with the lines at Gap
Do your bags seem heavy as you shop at Mr. Mac
C......ount your money... and GAZE up in the sky
Ask yourself why Condo prices... are so high.

When you shop at City Creek with diamonds and the gold
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth un....told
C-o-u-n-t your many blessings, with Credit on your side
No reward in heaven,... just this palace in the sky

So amid the conflict at the check out stands
Do not be discouraged at five billion spent
C...ount your many blessings at the tithing you sent in
Question not the leaders that would be co-mitt-ing sin

C.....ount your money, hundreds, fives and ones
C....ount your money and scorn-those that cannot come
C....ount the tithing... sent in by me and you
Count the money and ignore Mormon8 verse32

Are you ever burdened with a load of debt?
Does the cross seem heavy when you're tithed to death
Count your many blessings as your house is reposessed
And keep ever faithful in the state of most depressed.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is owner of the mall;
Count... your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you till your shopping ends.
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Conference Center Suffers From Self-Abuse Problem
Friday, Apr 20, 2012, at 07:25 AM
Original Author(s): Baura
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Salt Lake City, UT, 4/19/2012

The LDS Conference Center in Salt Lake City suffered from a self-abuse problem earlier this week.

The Conference Center contains a "little factory" to manufacture electrical power if it is needed at the appropriate time. This was put there by the creator of the Conference Center with wisdom in preparing for a possible power outage. This wise design was intended to be used only with a congregation in the center that has been properly invited by those in authority, and only during a power outage. However this "little factory" was stimulated into production BEFORE it was appropriate and it was done in an inappropriate way.

The Conference Center suffered from this inappropriate and unwise stimulation of it's "little factory" when high-energy excitement (that should have been kept in it's place by singing a hymn) was allowed to run rampant through the system.

The excess of energy that resulted by the unwise stimulation triggered fluids to flow in an inappropriate way which was contrary to the design of the creator of the conference center. The damage caused has reached half a million dollars--a stark and somber warning against the dangers of self abuse.

Authorities are considering changes to avoid this problem in the future. One plan calls for excess insulation around the offending electrodes. If that is not sufficient to eliminate the problem, grounding one of the electrodes to a bed post might be necessary.
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Bad News -- The New Hymn Book Has Been Delayed. Good News...
Monday, Apr 23, 2012, at 10:16 AM
Original Author(s): Gorspel Dacktrin
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
The good news is that this means there is still time to offer suggestions to the COB for inspirational music that you think should be included.

I can reveal some of the titles of the awe-inspiring musical offerings that already have been selected. They are a radical departure from the humdrum, run-of-the-mill Hymns that Mormons have grown up with. These hymns will electrify your testimony like nothing else can:

(1) When You Wish Upon a Peepstone.

(2) Mummy Dearest -- Ode to the Book of Abraham

(3) Nancy, Helen, Fanny and Emily -- Joy of Joe's Desiring

(4) I Have Rent My Garment (Instead of Buying)

(5) A Holy Hat and the Vapors of Mercury

(6) She's Buying a Handshake to Heaven

(7) Eat, Shiz, and Die (words by H. Farber Jensen)

(8) Melchizedek's Machete and Two Hundred Severed Arms

(9) The Beheading Dance of the Daughter of Jared

(10) Can One Have Too Many Wives?

(11) Give It to Me Through the Veil

(12) Jesus and Michael, How They Do Go Down

(13) Flecks and Couplets (a tribute to Gordon B. Hinckley)

(14) Do Unto the Widows and Orphans for They Are the Stuff of Great Conference Talks (a tribute to Thomas S. Monson)

(15) Standing in Something (a second tribute to Gordon B. Hinckley)

If you have any additional suggestions, now is your big opportunity at a shot of hymnal immortality for your favorite inspirational song.
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Mormon Apologists And Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch
Tuesday, Oct 30, 2012, at 07:56 AM
Original Author(s): Baura
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
Mormon apologists and Monty Python's dead parrot sketch

In Monty Python's famous "Dead Parrot Sketch" a pet-shop owner (Michael Palin) tries to convince a dissatisfied customer (John Cleese) that the parrot he just bought is not dead.

Michael Palin comes up with fanciful answers to John Cleese's complaint that the parrot is dead, "it's sleeping; Norwegian Blue's sleep on their back like that--beautiful plumage innit?" "it's stunned" etc.

It reminds me of Mormon apologists

John Cleese: "The genetic markers in Native Americans show that they were from Mongolia and not Hebrews."

Michael Palin: "Well, the Hebrews were absorbed into the local population and their genetic markers were bread out."

John Cleese: "But the Book of Mormon says the land was kept from all other peoples."

Michael Palin: "Oh yes, but by 'the land' they mean a small area in meso-America where all the action took place."

John Cleese: "How could all the action take place in meso-America if the final battle was at the Hill Cumorah in western New York state?"

Michael Palin: "Oh, well, there were really TWO Cumorahs. The one where the battle took place and where the plates were buried is in meso-America somehwere and the plates were miraculously transported to the Hill Cumorah in New York State."

John Cleese: "But all the church leaders from Joseph Smith on have said that the one in New York is the one mentioned in the Book of Mormon."

Micheal Palin: "They were speaking as men at the time. Their statements to that effect were never canonized. Prophets are men and are not perfect."
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Every Member A Janitor
Tuesday, Jan 8, 2013, at 07:28 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

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Bc Tells The Story Of Nephi And The Brass Plates
Thursday, Jan 10, 2013, at 07:26 AM
Original Author(s): Bc
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
And it came to pass Lehi is a prophet in Jerusalem at the time of Jeremiah (never mind that Jeremiah says that there are no prophets.) (Also nevermind that these are the small plates of Nephi which are supposed to be about spiritual things only and not about a history - but the book conveniently starts out with a story to introduce the characters and create dramatic tension.)

Well Lehi starts to piss people of and they start throwing rocks at him and stuff.

And it came to pass Lehi has a revelation that he needs to leave Jerusalem and that he will be led to a promised land.

And it came to pass they skedaddle out of town and head 250 miles into the desert leaving behind their riches.

Laman and Lemuel are showing signs of being rebelious already. Lehi tells them that they need to go back to Jerusalem and get the brass plates from Laban - a relative of some sort of Lehi. Laman and Lemuel whine but Nephi brown noses and says he knows the Lord will provide a way.

The brass plates are the Bible - the Old Testament. It includes everything in the Old Testament and more. This includes writing by Isaiah that didn't happen until after they left. It also inlcudes writing by Jeremiah that were comptemporary. These brass plates are amazing because they are the only complilation of the Old Testament in existence at that time. Also brass doesn't exist yet and metal working to keep records is essentially unheard of.

Somehow this huge creep Laban has the greatest treause in the ancient world. He's a big shot - he is in charge of 50 men.

And it came to pass they go back and cast lots and Laman gets the short stick. He has to go talk to Laban first. So Laman goes in and says - my dad wants you to give us the brass plates, so, um can we have them please? Laban goes ape @#$%and crazy and says that Laman is a robber and attempts to murder him. Because you know captains of 50 soliders do that sort of thing if you ask them for something.

Laman runs away and says - we failed let's go home. But Nephi says - no I have an idea. See Laban is a murderer and went all crazy on you for no reason. So I have this really bright idea. Let's go get all the riches we left behind and no one has stolen despite us dissapearing months ago. Then we'll carry them straight in to Laban. We won't be smart enough to hide the riches somewhere and bargain with Laban. No we'll just take them right in with us because Laban is trustworthy - it's not like he just tried to murder one of us or anything.

And it came to pass that, shocker ,evil Laban steals their treasure and tries to kill them again, but his 50 soliders are incompetent and the 4 brothers easily get away - but they have to leave all the treasure behind.

And it came to pass now Laban and Lemuel are really pissed at Nephi and Sam. So they start beating the @#$%and out of them with a Rod. An angel shows up and tells them to stop doing that and goes away. The angel doesn't bother to give them any ideas of how to get the brass plates.

And it came to pass even though an angel came Laman and Lemuel say it is hopeless. But Nephi just randomly wanders into town not knowing what to do but having faith something will work out.

And it came to pass Nephi is wandering around town and happens across Laban all by himself passed out drunk on the street. Laban is also in his full awesome suit of amazingness, drunk, in the middle of the night, alone.

Nephi hears a voice in his head that he should kill Laban. He doesn't want to do it but the voice continues to talk to him. Because that's how God works you see - he makes teenagers murder people based on voices in their head.

And it came to pass the voice in the head explains that Laban was a huge jerk to try to steal their stuff and kill them so that justifies murder. Besides they just have to have the brass plates otherwise their whole nation won't know god. And there is no other way to get the plates other than to murder Laban - because you know that's just how God works.

And it came to pass Nephi decides to do it. He grabs Labans sword - because you know drunk guys always have their sword with them when carousing. This sword is the 2nd greatest treaure in the ancient world it's all fancy and has more not existent ore. Plus the Nephite generals use this sword for 1,000 years and Joseph Smith ends up with it from angel Moroni.

Now how does Nephi kill Laban? By decapitating him of course. Slitting his throat or something like that won't do. We don't know quite how he got the leverage and angle to cut his head all the way off while Laban was laying there on the ground, but Nephi slices his head clean off. (And it came to pass that after Nephi sliced his head off that Laban stood up and gasped for breath - just kidding that's silly no one could stand up and gasp for breath after being decapitated - that's just a bunch of Shiz.)

However, Nephi manages to do this without getting Laban's clothes all bloody. In fact he now takes Laban's clothes off Laban's decapitated body and puts them on.

Next Nephi wanders over to wherever Laban lives. He then runs into Laban's servernt Zoram. Nephi is so amazing he completely fools Zoram into thinking he is Laban. This Zoram happens to have the keys to the greatest treasure in the ancient world so clearly Laban must trust him completely. Despite this Zoram can't tell that Nephi is faking being Laban. So they go and get the brass plates together.

These brass plates would need to weigh something like 600 pounds to hold the entire old testament plus all the lost Z prophets later mentioned in the Book of Mormon like Zenoch and such.

No worries, Zoram just carries them. They chat like old friends. Zoram continues on completely fooled by Nephi to the edge of the city.

But now more drama unfolds. Laban, Lemuel and Sam see Zoram and Nephi and freak out. I mean they are coming at them at lightning speed with those 500 pound plates.

The brothers freak out and Nephi blows his cover. But now Zoram freaks out. But Nephi is really strong and big even though he is young and takes Zoram down - besides Zoram is worn out from carrying those plates - and he's probably a wimp since he just carried those plates effortlessly.

Then Nephi says - hey Zoram why don't you just run away with us and come live in the desert and look guilty of theft and murder? And Zorams like, yeah that's cool lets go. So then Zoram and Nephi are best buddies from then on.

So they take the plates back to Sarai and Lehi. Sarai has been really pissed at Lehi because she figures he got their sons killed. Needless to say Lehi hasn't been getting any in the tent for several weeks.

Then Lehi looks at the plates and Sarai forgives all. Then Lehi builds an alter and offers sacrifices. Of course the penalty is death for doing this if you don't belong to the tribe of Levi. But hey they are in the wilderness and it would be so much cooler if he was from the tribe of Jospeh - same as Joseph Smith you see. So he's from the tribe of Joseph but still does the sacrifices - no biggie.

The end.

Oh wait. But they forgot to bring along any women. So they head back to convince some cousins with hot daughters to come back with them so they can propogate the species. No complaints from Laman and Lemuel this time. They do another 500 mile round trip and grab the trophy wives.
topic image
Uchtdorf And Hostages
Wednesday, Jan 16, 2013, at 01:01 PM
Original Author(s): Willy Law
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

topic image
Ironic Manti
Monday, Jan 21, 2013, at 08:35 AM
Original Author(s): Exmocaptainmoroni
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

topic image
On Backless Evening Gowns
Saturday, Feb 23, 2013, at 07:28 PM
Original Author(s): R/mormon
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-

topic image
"To Old Men Only"...(Especially Those In LDS Leadership Positions)
Tuesday, Sep 24, 2013, at 08:03 AM
Original Author(s): Beentheredunnthatexmo
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
To Old Men Only...


There are present in this forum session only those who have experienced the bitter sting of a religion that shreds asunder loving families. I approach a subject that could not appropriately be discussed if there were others present. I have solemnly thought fervently for inspiration as I speak to Old Men of Melchizedek Priesthood age: to Old Men only.

I wish to discuss a subject that your fathers should have discussed with you, their sons. Because some young men do not have fathers and because some fathers (and some bishops) do not know how to proceed, I approach a very personal subject, one that is important to every Old Man soon to be on death's doormat...


For once in your life please consider doing something that is truly honorable and compassionate towards your fellow man.


Yes...even you can become a true Hero to millions of decent gullible Mormons who are teetering on the brink of jettisoning their congenital religion yet are forced, because of you, to play-along in an effort to keep peace within their family and extended families.


One of you, perhaps, has not fully understood until now. Perhaps your father did not talk to you. You may already have been guilty of tampering with the powers of lying and deceit. You may even have developed a habit. What do you do then?


First, I want you to know this. If you are struggling with this temptation to impersonate a Prophet or Apostle, and perhaps you have not quite been able to resist, the Lord still loves you. It is not anything so wicked nor is it a transgression so great that the Lord would reject you because of it, but it can quickly lead to that kind of transgression. It is not pleasing to the Lord, nor is it pleasing to you. It does not make you feel worthy or clean so...


You will immediately feel as if a great burden has been lifted from your shoulders. No longer will you have to concern yourself with trying to remember which lies you told to cover up other lies. Your conscience will become as pure and white as the wind driven snow up on Mt. Timpanogos.


Resist those temptations. Do not tamper with the short-sighted enticements of prevarication. If you have already, cease to do it–now. Put it away and overcome it. The signal of worthy manhood is self-control.

Now a warning! I am hesitant to even mention it, for it is not pleasant. It must be labeled as major transgression. But I will speak plainly. There are some circumstances in which Old Men may be tempted to handle one another's life, to have contact with one another in unusual ways that they feel is excused and misrepresented by saying that, "Well, what I am pretending to be what LDS Inc offers is still the best thing out there for many lost souls." Latter-day Saint Old Men are not to do this!


For the first time in your life you will be able to look at the man in the mirror and say, "I have come to admire this person!"


Many in the upper hierarchy of the Church would, I am sure, be amused by this counsel. Let them be amused. They live by another standard, a lower one. We live by higher standards and continue to teach it. Millions who have chosen Integrity and Honesty and have left the confines and tentacles of Mormonism are proud to have upped their own personal standards of decency, ethics and up yours!


It is never too late to do the right thing. An Old Man can never waste or wear out his life by doing the right thing. No matter how late into his "golden years" that he finally decides to choose the right and determine that in becoming a better person it will be a blessing not only to himself but to his progeny as your name shall be remembered and held in high reverence for ever and ever more.

So it is it shall be done!

This will be one of the rare few opportunities in your life thus far to become an authentic HERO to those who mean the most to you.

Don't squander it!

Or so it seems to me...
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Oh My Heck - Articles Of Faith Are Being Changed!
Wednesday, Feb 19, 2014, at 08:36 AM
Original Author(s): Mobegone
Topic: COMEDY   -Link To MC Article-
I CANNOT divulge from what high-level source I got my hands on this, so don't even ask. My understanding is that these will be released in wards within the next month. Evidently they are being tweaked/ re-issued as being more appropriate for the "modern-day" church.

1) We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. But not Heavenly Mother. Wink.

2) We believe that men will be punished for their own sins. And punished, and punished, and punished, and punished.

3) We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel as well as learning several secret handshakes and code phrases.

4) We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Paying Tithing; second, Paying Tithing; third, Paying Tithing; fourth, Not Masturbating.

5) We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and/or by having contributed a sufficient amount of tithing money, and/or by having a high-paying professional job. Being white helps.

6) We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, secret handshakes and code phrases, for-profit business arms, billion dollar malls, and so forth.

7) We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. We just don't actually use any of them.

8) We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it supports our positions; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, noting that sometimes God makes gramatical errors.

9) We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal (which we admit is pretty much nothing), and we believe that He will yet reveal many things in total contradiction to previous revelations.

10) We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; and that Christ will return in a business suit to personally reign as CEO.

11) We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all other men the privilege to shut up.

12) We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. Unless we don't like it. Though on the other hand we're open to changing our doctrines if the law is going to cost us.

13) We believe in lying for the lord, in looking outwardly virtuous, and in doing good to all men if the media is around; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul (except for the part about staying unmarried which was probably mistranslated or was Paul speaking as a man). We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things including cleaning the toilets, and hope to be able to endure all things with the aid of anti-depressants. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we will make sure to put a stop to it.
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5,717 Articles In 332 Topics
TopicImage TOPIC INDEX (332 Topics)

  · BOB MCCUE (144)
  · BOY SCOUTS (22)
  · BOYD K. PACKER (33)
  · BRIAN C. HALES (1)
  · BRUCE C. HAFEN (4)
  · CALLINGS (11)
  · COMEDY (128)
  · DALLIN H. OAKS (101)
  · DANITES (4)
  · DAVID A. BEDNAR (23)
  · DAVID O. MCKAY (8)
  · DAVID R. STONE (1)
  · DNA (23)
  · DON JESSE (2)
  · EMMA SMITH (5)
  · FARMS (30)
  · GEORGE P. LEE (1)
  · HAROLD B. LEE (1)
  · HAUNS MILL (2)
  · HBO BIG LOVE (12)
  · HOLIDAYS (13)
  · HUGH NIBLEY (13)
  · HYMNS (7)
  · JAMES E. FAUST (7)
  · JOHN GEE (3)
  · JOHN L. LUND (3)
  · JOSEPH SMITH (101)
  · JUDAISM (3)
  · JULIE B. BECK (6)
  · L. TOM PERRY (5)
  · LAMANITES (36)
  · LDS CHURCH (19)
  · MARRIOTT (2)
  · MASONS (16)
  · MICHAEL R. ASH (26)
  · MITT ROMNEY (71)
  · NAUVOO (3)
  · ORRIN HATCH (10)
  · PARLEY P. PRATT (11)
  · PAUL H. DUNN (5)
  · POLYGAMY (60)
  · PRIMARY (1)
  · PROPOSITION 8 (21)
  · QUENTIN L. COOK (11)
  · SEMINARY (5)
  · SHERI L. DEW (3)
  · STORIES (1)
  · TALKS - SECTION 1 (1)
  · TIME (4)
  · TITHING (63)
  · UGO PEREGO (5)
  · UK COURTS (7)
  · VAN HALE (16)
  · VIDEOS (30)
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