THE MORMON CURTAIN
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Ex-Mormon News, Stories And Recovery
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"COMEDY - SECTION 1".
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COMEDY - SECTION 1
Great selection of Ex-Mormon Comedy.
| The Book Of Cheese Plate.
|1 And it came
to pass that I was swept away by an Angel. And the angel said unto me...
LOOK! And I beheld a great plate of cheese... And the angel said unto me
again... LOOK! And I beheld that there were refried beans under the cheese...
And said I unto the angel, what meaneth these things?
2 And the angel
said unto me...Behold, do not marvel that there are refried beans under
the cheese, for they belongeth there, to delighteth the tongue, and increaseth
the taste thereof; therefore take thee thy pleasure in thy beans and cheese,
for as thou beholdeth them and tasteth them thou canst know for a surety
that they are good.
I ate thereof the plate of cheese and beans, and it was good. And I did
wander off to go about my ways, but felt therein a feeling in my bowels.andnbsp;
4 And I came
forth back unto the place where the Angel was and said... Mine bowls are
full of cheese and beans, and I doth stinketh. Lo, I stinketh so much mine
sheep doth run from me, therefore, I am troubled.
5 And the angel
spake again to me and said, Didst not thou knowest that thy bowels must
be full of mercy for thy fellow man and not of beans and cheese? Therefore
go thy way, and purge thy bowels of this that stinketh, lest ye be cursed
with sore afflictions. Go near no man, for if thou go nearest a man, thou
will be cast out from his presence. Also go not near thy wife, until the
time cometh when the stink shall pass, and thou shall be again esteemed
highly of thy wife.
6 And it came
to pass that I did not heed the Angel. Therefore I went unto my wife and
did wave the covers upon her and she was wroth. And then in the village
did I stand too near the fire and lo, mine stink did flame, and the flame
arose with a great blue light, and mine hair was burned. And thus I was
sorely afflicted because I did not heed the words of the Angel. Therefore
again I came unto the place where the Angel first spoke to me and I was
troubled. And I began to murmur against the plate of cheese and the refried
7 And it came
to pass that I did stand upon the place where the Angel first showed the
plate of cheese unto me for the space of two days. And after two days I
did not hear again from the angel. Therefore, I sat down and waited for
the Angel to again appear. And I did offer burnt offerings of blue flame,
and did murmer and mumble and twiddle mine hair.
8 And it came
to pass that for the space of three days did I wait for the angel to appear
again. And lo, no angel did appear unto me. And mine fingers were sorely
afflicted from the twiddeling of mine hair therein. Therefore I did gird
up mine loins and I did go unto the Burger King and did no longer think
of cheese and beans. And mine heart was saddened for the passing of wind
was pleasurable. Therefore I did eat of burger and bun and thought no more
of the angel and his plate of cheese and beans.
9 And again,
a week did pass, and the memory of the cheese plate did linger with me.
And on that thursday, I beheld the Angel of light again, and he didst comfort
me. And I saw before me the plate of beans and cheese again, and the angel
said 'eat.' But I said unto the angel 'Not so, for if I eat, I shall stinketh.'
10 And the
angel said unto me again, 'Eat. For as thou eatest, it shall be pleasant
to thy taste. But in thy belly, it shall turn bitter.' And I headed the
Angel, and I did eat. And It was sweet and pleasant in my mouth, but in
my belly, it was bitter.
11 And as I
sat upon my chair, a rumbling exclaimed forth from my belly. And I didst
run with all my might, that I might relieve myself of the bitterness in
my stomach. And I sayeth unto myself 'Woe is me. For as I eateth the beans
and the cheese, and as it was pleasant to the taste, now it is bitter in
my belly and must pass through the drough.'
12 And I resolved,
from that time forth, to visit Burger King on Thursday and leave the evil
of the cheese plate.
| From The Spoof:
Fox hope to appeal to members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) when they air a
controversial new show in Utah this Fall. 12 male contestants aged between 40 and 72 will compete to take 16-year-old twins, Elsa
and Elisabeth as their wives.
Although polygamy is widely condemned by today's Mormon religion, some Latter Day Saints feel that Gods revelation to Joseph
Smith in this regard should still be followed. God informed Joseph that marrying multiple wives was a requirement to enter the
kingdom of heaven*.
This contentious issue became central to LDS alienation from mainstream America, and in the 1890s, God conveniently informed
Joseph Smith's successor that this revelation was no longer relevant*.
Unfortunately, God has subsequently revealed to several people that this reversal is an abomination*. These chosen few have
demanded a following and their FLDS congregations cling strictly to the original beliefs of the Mormon faith. Most live in
isolated regions of Arizona and Utah and try as best they can to live their lives in peace.
They preach that men should supplement their partners with additional fresh and young wives - at least 7 if they really want to
go to heaven. As this is an instruction directly from God, many men humbly and selflessly comply.
Needless to say, a religion that preaches that men must take young girls as wives and bed them (because God says so) certainly
develops a following. These holy men are able to see through the mystery that is the Lords wishes, and in faith shag a bevy of
It's on this foundation that the new reality series is built. Fox have high hopes for the show and believe that success will fuel
interest in their follow up - a real courtroom drama. While the theme is a closely guarded secret, the title is rumored to be
"Who Wants to Represent a Pedophile Accused of Statutory Rape"
* God is currently unavailable for comment and these revelations can neither be denied nor confirmed.
| From Landover Baptist Church:
Greetings, and thank you all for having me here. As I am wont to do, I begin each of my testimonies with a brief public prayer.
So I ask now for every head to be bowed, and every eye to be closed, thank you.
Heavenly Father, thank you for delivering me from the cult of Mormonism, America's favorite religious fantasy role-playing game
that doesn't involve a genuine invisible god.
Thank you for the Holy Spirit, who came to strip me of my sinful undergarments, and expose me, thereby returning me to the Garden
from which Adam was banished by a cranky Lord.
Speak through my anointed lips so those listening here today shall also be returned to a state of grace, unadorned by the apparel
of the shamed.
Kindle within their hearts, through your humble servant, Zechariah Hosea, a call to harness the furious fires of your Holy wrath
sevenfold! And set free my brothers and sisters still trapped within the secret world of Mormon fetishisms. Praise be, and A-men.
Friends, I took off my magic, low-rise Y-front occult Mormon underwear ten years ago, and haven't looked back since. I'm going to
pass my old skivvies around the church now, (Zechariah steps down from the pulpit) here you go, ma'am, you inspect that carefully
and pass it on to the lovely young lady on your right there, and so-on. I want everyone to take a long careful look at my old
underwear. Don't be afraid little lady; it's not going to bite you in the nose! That's right, I want you to smell it, touch it,
and rub it against your skin to show Satan that this little piece of 48-inch-waist poly-cotton fabric has no power over you!
That's it... good.
| From The Spoof:
SALT LAKE CITY (SP)--Ken Jennings' reign as trivia king continued on Tuesday when he won for the 30th straight time on the
popular game show Jeopardy. To date, the 30-yr old Utah software engineer has amassed over $1 million dollars in winnings.
Despite allegations that the television show is rigged, Jennings continues day by day to demolish each opponent with a nerdy
charm and a quick trigger finger.
Continue Reading http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i5738
But Jennings, a Mormon, may have some rocky times ahead when his Hollywood gig ends. According to a source within the Mormon
church, a team of investigators have started looking into the life of this bright young husband and father of one.
Jennings has recently appeared on NBC's The Tonight Show, KLTD's Betty Makes Pottery and the syndicated talk show Big Ed's
Jamboree. Liberal media outlets are heralding this national exposure for Jennings and are assuming that the Mormon church is
giddy about all the attention.
Ted Growback, spokesman for the Liberal Media Elite said, "This is way cool for the Mormons. We have decided and decreed that
they are loving all the attention, and we have anointed Ken Jennings, Mr. Mormon."
| From Latter-Day Lampoon:
Elder Richard G. Scott of the First Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was seen by
several citizens at the Bikini Cuts Salon in Sandy, Utah. News sources indicate he received a hair cut.
Continue Reading Story.
Bethany Prince, president, owner and hair stylist at Bikini Cuts, confirms the report and stated that he entered the salon "in
disguise," apparently not wanting to be recognized. "He wore an overcoat and a hat which I thought was very unusual since it was
at least ninety degrees outside," said Prince an exclusive interview. "Once inside, he removed his coat and hat and sat in my
Prince talked to Elder Scott and noticed he tried to also disguise his voice. "Imagine his regular slow and monotone voice but
add to that a German accent. That's what it sounded like," said Prince. According to Prince he said,
"Yaw,...za...trim...of...za...hair...vould...be...goot." Although Elder Scott wanted a trim, he appeared preoccupied with the
workers and the facilities. "He kept looking around and I had to keep slapping him and telling him not to move his head," said
Prince. "I was very irritated."
| APR - Salt Lake City, January 14, 2005:
The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made the following announcement:
"As the work of the Lord progresses it must take into account the state of the world in which it rolls forth. The images and metaphors of one generation have a different meaning and nuance when observed by another. Although the Endowment itself does not change the form of the endowment ceremony may be translated not only to different languages but adjusted to different and differing cultural enviornments.
"Therefore after prayerful consideration the Brethren have re-fitted the Endowment Ceremony as a Rock Opera. Temple patrons may be assured that the sanctity of the Temple will not be violated. All electric guitars and amplifiers will be purest white and the volume will never rise above 5 on the dial.
"We hope that these adjustments will enable the rising generation of Latter-day Saints to more fully appreciate the temple and the spirit that should accompany temple worship. To all who have let their temple attendance lapse we invite you to return to the temple.
"We will, we will endow you!"
Gordon B. Hinckley
Thomas S. Monson
James E. Faust
| Here are some Mormon Cliches that just make you want to gag.
- You must have milk before you can have meat.
- When the prophet speaks, the thinking's been done.
- Gird up your loins. (sounds reaaalllyyy painful, btw).
- She's such a special spirit.
- I feel very humbled to be asked to speak to you today.
- Please bless those who couldn't come this week that they may come next week.
- God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
- Every member, a missionary.
- Lock your heart.
- She's in a better place now.
- Let me introduce the newest member of our ward.
- Yes, we've been blessed.
- Brothers and sisters
- In these latter-days
- We can't live on borrowed light
- Nourish and strengthen our bodies
- A burning in my bosom <- This has to be the all time most annoying and stupid Mormon saying there is! Ugggh! Yuck! Eeeek!
- Every fiber of my being.
- Go the extra mile.
- Put your shoulder to the wheel.
- He's a really good person. Not a member, but still a good person
- The gospel is perfect...the saints aren't.
- "....in the name of Thy son, EVEN jesus christ"
| Draper, UT–State Prison officials have confirmed widespread rumors that convicted forger and murderer Mark Hoffman is scheduled for immediate release from the state prison after documents mailed anonymously to the Prison Warden’s office have thrown new light on his case. Bearing the signature of the Prophet Joseph Smith himself as well as many other early Mormon Church leaders and American founding fathers, and written in ink that appears to be the kind the signers would have used, these letters proclaim Hoffman’s complete innocence of all the crimes with which he was charged. As if to add emphasis, under what appears to be the signature of President George Washington a note is scrawled: “I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my good friend Mark would never do such a thing. For more information please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.”
When asked whether the documents had been verified as authentic, Prison Warden LeRoy J. Shumway responded that while he had not sent the letters to an independent forensic laboratory for examination since “no such fancy-pants facility exists within the State of Utah”, he had shown the entire collection to LDS Church leader President Gordon B. Hinckley, who vouched for their authenticity and paid an undisclosed sum of money to take possession of the letters. They are now being held for safekeeping in the Church’s vault.
In a press release posted yesterday on the Church’s official website www.lds.org, President Hinckley announced that the documents “certainly looked and smelled old enough” and that he had “seen those signatures somewhere before.” Adding that since the founding fathers were called of God to establish a country dedicated to justice for all, and that they had all been baptized posthumously in the St. George temple and were now members of the LDS Church, he felt comfortable accepting their declarations at face value. He also assured church members that no tithing funds were used for the purchase of the letters.
While moving Hofmann from his cell into a temporary processing facility, prison guards discovered a small homemade chemical lab, a toaster oven, and several sheets of old paper that had apparently been ripped out of the backs of the prison library’s older books. When confronted with the discovery Warden Shumway stated that although during his tenure he has certainly tried to encourage prisoners to develop and pursue their hobbies, and while he supports Hoffman’s healthy interest in chemistry and reading of classic literature, he simply cannot allow state property to be damaged without holding the offender responsible. The warden has stated that as much as two dollars will be deducted from Hoffman’s prison earnings as a janitor to pay for the senseless damage.
| A few years ago 3 men were serving in Iraq when they decided to come up with a list of things that any church must have for it to be true. They came up with these 17 points:
The true church must practice polygamy. (DandC 132)
The true church must NOT practice polygamy (DandC Official Declaration 1)
The True church must believe that God lives on a planet that orbits the star Kolob (Abraham 3)
The true church must teach the secret handshakes required to get into heaven (Mormon Temple Ceremony)
The true church must have leaders who are progressive enough to ask god if blacks can have the priesthood. (DandC Official Declaration 2)
The true church must make its members wear special undergarments 24/7. (Temple Ceremony)
The true church must have prophets that preach bizarre personal opinions from the pulpit sometimes, but those teachings can be ignored. (FAIR message boards)
The true church must not have any official doctrine. (FAIR Message boards)
The true church must believe that the original christian church apostatized when the leaders started changing sacred doctrines and ordinances. (Joseph Smith history)
The true church must have leaders with the authority to change sacred doctrines and ordinances through continuing revelation (DandC OD1, DandC OD2, temple changes, etc.)
The true church must believe in the Three Nephites. (The Book of Mormon)
The true church must be the one and only true church, and the only church that is not an abomination to god. (DandC 1)
The true church must believe in three kingdoms of heaven (DandC)
The true church must believe that as man is god once was, and as god is, man may become. (King Follet discourse, Temple Ceremony)
The true church must also not really teach that god was once a man (Gordon B. Hinckley)
The true church must not allow women to have any priesthood leadership positions (?????)
The true church must teach that Jesus never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it (????)
After they finished their time in Iraq, they each went their seperate ways. Yesterday they all got in touch at a Army reunion and it turns out they all joined the same church, the one church that met all 17 requirements. That church was the LDS church.
| In the late 60's, Glen Larson pitched a TV show called Adam's Ark around the same time that Star Trek was ending. In it, Larson wanted to take biblical themes and set them out in space. While no one was interested in that particular project, Larson was a successful creator, writer or producer on such TV shows as It Takes a Thief, McCloud, The Six Million Dollar Man, Quincy, The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries, B.J. and the Bear, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Magnum PI, The Fall Guy, Knight Rider and Manimal.
Star Wars exploded into the world in 1977 and as everyone and his brother tried to capitalize on it's success, something like Larson's old pitch suddenly seemed like a great idea. ABC originally planned to have Battlestar Galactica as a series of two-hour movies, following a big, three-hour premiere, but they were impressed enough to order it up as a weekly hour-long series. It premiered on ABC in September of 1978, after being seen as a theatrical release in Canada and Europe in July of that year. The show was cancelled after just 24 episodes in April of '79. Due to fan pressure, it was revived as Galactica 1980 (in 1980...duh), but this only lasted for 10 episodes.
The opening prologue reads, "There are those who believe that life here began out there, far across the universe, with tribes of human who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, or the Toltecs, or the Mayans. They may have been the architects of the great pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis. Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive far, far away, amongst the stars."
Glen Larson (creator and producer of Galactica) is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and many parallels between his church's and the show's mythologies can be found.
The main characters in Galactica are the last remnants of the Twelve Colonies, which were founded by twelve tribes of humans who left their home planet of Kobol, which had become inhabitable because of either natural or man-made contamination. There was a "lost thirteenth tribe" who went a different direction than the rest and, as the story goes, ended up colonizing Earth. Commander Adama once delivered the following speech about their origins: "Our recorded history tells us we descended from a mother colony, a race that went out into space to establish colonies. Those of us assembled here now represent the only known surviving Colonists, save one. A sister world, far out in the universe, remembered to us only through ancient writings..." He goes on to assert that the "lost thirteenth tribe" colonized Earth. Something called "The Book of The Word" described the journey of the tribes of man away from Kobol.
In the Mormon church, The Book of Mormon describes the journey of a "thirteenth tribe" There were twelve tribes of Israel and the prophet Lehi took a remnant of the tribe of Joseph (creating a "lost thirteenth tribe") and somehow travelled from the middle east to North America around 600 BC. They ended up splitting into two tribes, one of whom flourished and according to the book are the descendants of the American Indians. Additionally, the name Kobol is made up of the rearranged letters making up the word Kolob, which is the star "nearest unto the throne of God," or the name of the planet where the Mormons' god, Elohim, is from.
In the TV show, the planet Kobol itself was considered destroyed or just a legend until it was found in the episode, "Lost Planet of the Gods." Adama thought there was a secret passage to Earth in the tomb of the Ninth Lord in the lost city of Eden on Kobol. He identified the tomb by the Ninth Lord's seal.
In the episode "War of the Gods," there is a "Ship of Lights" commanded by mysterious beings. In one scene, Starbuck asks the them if they are angels. The "entity" responds with, "Oddly enough, there is some truth to your speculation." When he inquires, "But why are you bothering with us? We are from a simple handful of human survivors," Starbuck is told: "Because, as you are now, we once were. As we are now, you may become."
This is interesting because the fifth LDS President Lorenzo Snow coined the expression, "As man is God once was, as God is, man may be" as stated in the Articles of Faith (pg. 430). The LDS believes that God was once a man on another planet (sometimes referred to as Kolob) who followed the Mormon teachings, died, rose to the third level of heaven and eventually became a God, just as they teach that if you follow the Mormon teachings here on Earth you may eventually become the God of your own world after death.
Commander Adama notes, "The ancient ones, the Lords who first settled our Kobol, spoke of visitations from what they in their primitive way referred to as angels. Think of them as custodians of the universe, advanced beings, very highly advanced, whose mandate it is to make certain that their powers are never abused by any one of their own."
While the Book of Mormon may teach that there is only one true God (Alma 11:26-29), other Mormon documents say that there are many Gods (Mormon Doctrine, page 163), in fact the Journal of Discourses (vol 6, pg. 5) states that "In the beginning, the head of the Gods called a council of the Gods; and they came together and concocted a plan to create the world and the people." Battlestar Galactica's "custodians of the universe" may allude to this council of Gods. It may be worth noting here that the majority of Mormon beliefs, church practices and ceremonies are not described in The Book of Mormon. If you happen to be given The Book of Mormon by an LDS member friend or by one of their door-to-door missionaries, you won't find much about some of this stuff and certainly nothing about their various temple ceremonies and beliefs.
In the "War of the Gods" episode, there is a character named Count Iblis, who is basically Satan for the show's purposes, whom the "entities" seem to be after. They note that, "He now uses his powers to corrupt and lead others away from the truth." Apollo figures out the Count's true identity, by thinking "back to the original records. The names Mephistopheles, Diabolis, the Prince of Darkness." According to the original script of the episode, "War of the Gods," Apollo and Starbuck enter a wreckage thought to have been Count Iblis' comrades' ship. There they discover a glove that seems to have been made for a cloven hoof. They lift up a metal panel and discover a devil or demon-like figure. The networks dropped the scene for fear it would be too scary for kids and for the "satanic" overtones.
In the LDS, God has a wife with whom he has children. These "spirit" children are eventually reborn on earth, where their "pre-existence" is "veiled" from them until they die and return to Heaven, at which time they remember their previous life in heaven. Satan is one of God's spirit children, birthed by God's wife in the Celestial Kingdom of Heaven. He is a spirit brother to Jesus. According to Mormon Doctrine, both Jesus and Satan offered plans for mankind's salvation to God, with Jesus' plan being accepted. Satan's plan sought to "deny men their agency," that is, their freedom of choice, something very important in Mormon theology.
In Battlestar Galactica, when the Entities are asked why they cannot stop Count Iblis, they reply, "Because we cannot interfere with freedom of choice. His, yours, anyone's."
Commander Adama performs a "sealing ceremony" between Apollo and Serina, saying, "A union between this man and this woman not only for now but for all the eternities." In the LDS, when couples have a temple wedding, they are sealed for "time and all eternity."
A Galactica 1980 episode contains the phrase "The glory of the universe is intelligence," very similar to a passage in the LDS Doctrines and Covenants #93: "The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth."
In both Battlestar Galactica and the LDS, the political structure consists of a Council (or Quorum) of the Twelve, and a President.
What's the point of all this? I guess this just seems interesting to me because the majority of the horror and science-fiction projects that mix in any sort of religion usually use Christian, or often Roman Catholic theology (The Day The Earth Stood Still, Star Trek V, the Exorcist, the Omen series, The Seventh Sign, etc.). Other than a recent film called Plan 10 From Outer Space (which I've only read about), I don't know of any other genre feature using Mormon doctrine as a major component to it's mythology.
| At last, an accessible guide that demystifies the Mormon religion
The LDS church, formally known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or LDS, has 5.2 million members in the U.S. and adds about 300,000 converts every year. This eye-opening book takes the mystery out of Mormonism, describing the beliefs and rituals that set the LDS apart from other Christian denominations as well as its views on women, race, homosexuality, and polygamy.
Jana Riess, PhD (Winchester, KY), a Mormon convert, is the religion book review editor at Publishers Weekly. Christopher Bigelow (Provo, UT), a sixth-generation Mormon, wrote for the official LDS monthly magazine.
Amazon.COM Link For Book.
| THE GREAT MORMON MONEY MACHINE:
It's the World's Perfect Business Scheme and you can do it too. Just start your own "Afterlife Insurance Company" then make the greatest promise humanly imaginable -- promise your clients that if they totally obey you and pay their premiums, after death they'll become Gods! In fact, polygamous Gods who'll have eternal sex with innumerable partners! Until then, they'll enjoy moral supremacy over all humanity. You do need to claim that you're a prophet of God however, but this is the easiest claim on earth to make and no one can prove you're lying.
HERE'S YOUR BIG PAYOFF:
Using the power of your "Afterlife Insurance Company":
This Great Mormon Money Machine is perfect, it's just Lies, Dollars and Sanctimony!
- You demand a whopping ten percent of each client's income for their policy premiums and...
- You publicly humiliate anyone who questions you or fails to pay. This power is so great that...
- You can even ban clients from attending things like family weddings! And yet, the absurd irony is...
- You don't have to prove to anyone that your Afterlife Insurance Company actually works, so...
- You are worry free because, in this business, all your disillusioned customers are dead. Therefore...
- You never pay off a single claim (although you literally promised the Universe). Then, incredibly...
- You reverse the Burden of Proof--If others don't magically know you're right--they're wrong! Now...
- You destroy rational thought with the delusion that deeply feeling it's true is all that matters. Soon...
- You addict clients so forcefully to your fantasy they fear they can't live without it! From all this...
- You urge mass lying (re: the Emperor's New Clothes) by saying "All worthy people will know it's true."
- You now multiply this gullibility with the following arsenal of business weapons --
- You exploit your very clients as free labor to run your business for you, even on Sundays.
- You command a massive volunteer sales force that must actually pay its own expenses.
- You endure almost no outside government interference and with limited regulation and...
- You have no inner accountability either, such as member or stockholder oversight! Better yet...
- You run a company that pays no taxes, but instead enjoys tax-subsidized dues. Then for comfort...
- You answer only to your inside buddies for your personal pay and perks! But not stopping there...
- You find abundant opportunities for nepotism and cronyism even outside the firm, because...
- You freely raise large venture capital funds for unrelated business schemes. And all this time...
- You enjoy total administrative, financial and clubhouse secrecy. Now, Jaded by your aloof stature...
- You callously use emotional, social and spiritual extortion as powerful revenue tactics. Coldly...
- You hold hostage a family's togetherness in the hereafter, plus their closeness here. And amazingly...
- You even intimidate your clients literally down to their underwear. Then for good measure...
- You claim the right to acquire all their worldly possessions too! Your disrespect is so deep that...
- You require them to make dour commitments, before even telling them what they're agreeing to! Yet...
- You still passionately kindle their hero worship with great theatrical skill, because, as Matthew put it...
- You wear charming sheep's clothing that makes False Prophets seem so totally respectable. Finally...
- You exercise massive social, political and economic clout. And the proverbial "fruits" abound --
- You and your cohorts rule vast empires wielding your colossal power and wealth!
Two facts expose this money-making scheme: (1) The LDS church is one of the wealthiest religions in America while, (2) Mormon-dominated Utah is consistently first in personal bankruptcies. The Church gets rich--as members get poor. These two undisputed facts display the final outcome (fruits) of Mormonism and, according to Matthew, such fruits reveal False Prophets.
| From Rum and Monkey:
They're a funny old bunch, those latter day saints. Rather than picking names from their heritage, or the Bible, the Utah Mormons tend to make them up. Sometimes they'll combine the parents' names into one (BenDonna, for example). Other times it's impossible to quite understand what their parents were thinking; names like Zestpool and Zon'tl aren't uncommon.
We can understand why you might be jealous of names like these. After all, they are far more interesting and exciting than your own. Luckily, help is at hand with the Mormon Name Generator; simply indicate your first name, last name and your gender preference below, and we'll Mormonise your moniker.
| We enter the baptismal room for little Johnny's baptism...
His father concludes the all important soul saving gibberish, "in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy ghost, amen"
As he proceeds to dunk young Johnny, Brother Crysateverthing sneezes "AAAAACheWWWWWW"! The two missionaries acting as witnesses suddenly turn their heads to see what the racket is all about only to miss little Johnny's toe protruding from the water as he is dunked.
The missionary witnesses eyes return to the task at hand and look at each other a little confused. Sheepishly they both nod their heads in affirmation of correct wording and procedure.
The rest of the day is spent in warm celebration of the eternal choice little Johnny made that day.
Years later after Johnny dies and is at the judgment seat of Joseph Smith, Father and Jesus he is horrified at the judgment.
"Johnny Mo, it has come to the attention of this Celestial Kingdom Induction hearing that there has been a grave error in priesthood ordinances. Even though you were a full tithe payer, area authority, member missionary and are very proficient at the signings and chantings of the temple two step, we must deny you entrance into the celestial kingdom."
As the full story unfolds, untold generations of deceased Mo family members thrashingly grieve as the reality of their eternal family becomes a thing of naught.
We fade from the spirit world with the disturbing image of Johnny trying to gnaw off his big toe (Hey, we do have bodies in the spirit world, spirit matter is still matter, nonetheless)
| From Ex-Mormon Recovery Board:
- you alt-tab this particular site when someone in your family walks into the room;
- you're afraid to be caught visiting this site because your spouse might catch you;
- you're afraid to share your thoughts with your loved-ones about things that trouble you concerning your religious beliefs;
- you're afraid to drink coffee and iced tea because you were always told it was bad for you;
- you're afraid if some mormon you know sees you ordering a Frappuccino at Barnes and Noble, a MooLatte from the local DQ, or a Nestea beverage from the local Exxon station, they will think you're not only a weak person, but a sinner to boot;
- your daughter is rebuked by one of her uber-nazi TBM friends on the way home from school one day for drinking a can of Dr. Pepper;
- your wife has worn two pairs of earrings ever since she was in high school, and then one day out of the blue she is "kindly rebuked" at church in a busy foyer by the Stake President for wearing more than one pair of earrings;
- your wife all of a sudden stops wearing the diamond-studded earrings you bought her for your 5th wedding anniversary because the SP told her it was unacceptable;
- you and your family (as well as a few other folks who were paying attention to the chorister's lead) during a ward conference stand up to sing a hymn that was previously announced to be a "stand-up and sing" song, only to be severely scolded immediately afterwards, from the pulpit, in front of your family and fellow ward members by the SP for not following HIS fucking lead: "brothers and sisters, you stand when I stand; you do stand when I do not stand";
- you worry about what others will think about you for using foul language on occasion;
- you get visibly angry at the SP for the completely out-of-hand, rude, insensitive, self-righteous, smug, arrogant and utterly asinine instructions that issue forth from his mouth;
- you are gravely counseled by the 1st Counselor in the SP in a temple recommend interview to "be careful" about focusing on and learning too much "secular knowledge" in your graduate studies at the University;
- you just can't believe some of the stupid things folks in leadership positions say to your face;
- you gradually learn that the things you were taught in church were sugar-coated;
- you gradually learn that the sugar-coated teachings you learned actually concealed some of the most vile and abherrant behaviors and schemes ever concocted by men;
- you learn that the supposed "revealed" doctrines you were taught in church were plagiarized, borrowed, or stolen from numerous other pagan and non-pagan sources;
- you feel like you are checking your brain at the door every time you show up at church;
- you're afraid to speak up in church and counter what one of the leaders says, despite the absurdness of what is being said;
- you are instructed in "sacred" temples to repeatedly "bow your head and say yes," and by so doing agree to the most preposterous things;
- you desperately want to talk to someone about what you learn in the temple, but you cannot because you are 1) either rushed out of the celestial room right at the beginning of a discussion on the very subject, or 2) you are outside of the temple and everytime you bring the subject up for discussion you are told "we don't talk about the sacred things in the temple outside of the temple";
- more and more you become exasperated with your religious belief system;
- you feel pretty damn righteous when you learn to make it through the temple veil on your own;
- you feel "super-dee-duper" righteous when you get to stand on the other side of the temple veil, giving and receiving super-secret handshakes to your friends and family, through that very same veil;
- you purchase "Duncan's Ritual" at Books-a-Million one day and learn for the first time that the super-secret temple handshakes, signs, and penalties you have promised never to disclose or discuss are identical to the ancient Scottish Rite Freemason's rituals, down to the cool little "pinky thing" even;
- you ask the SP in an annual temple recommend interview "what is the temple is all about?" and answering he quotes Brigham Young's summary description of the temple (which you have heard by now at least a hundred times), paraphrasing: "to receive all the super-secret tokens and signs and in turn hand them each over to angels who stand as sentinels as you make your way back to heaven," and, upon hearing this absolutely-brilliant-answer, you honestly can't determine whether 1) the SP has suddenly lost his mind, or 2) he never had one.
- you continue to wear the "regulation garment," even though you have been told you are unworthy to do so, because after 20 years of wearing nothing but garments against your skin you feel absolutely weird without them, and besides that, you honestly can't figure out what size of, or even how or where to purchase, the regular folk's underwear you really should be wearing;
- your friends refuse to watch an "R-rated" movie with you because their minds might become possessed by the devil;
- you're afraid to miss a regularly scheduled tithing payment because the bishop will find out, sooner than later;
- you're afraid if the bishop finds out you missed a regularly scheduled tithing payment you might be called in to explain yourself;
- you're afraid to tell the truth to the bishop when you have to explain yourself;
- you make clever, deceptive excuses to the bishop as you try to explain yourself;
- one day you tell the truth to the bishop in a tithing-settlement interview that yes, indeed, you are a partial tithe-payer, and he in turn quotes a dead prophet's incredibly insensitive statement to the effect that "paying less than a full-tithe is no better than paying no tithing at all," whereupon you ask the bishop in return: "well, in that case, Bishop: may I have a refund?";
- you have been flat-out told by that particular religious and supposedly charitable organization's duly authorized representative and financial steward, that the several-thousand-dollar donation you made that very year not only wasn't appreciated, but, to top it off, you are made to feel bad and incredibly guilty for not giving more and toeing the line;
- some mindless drone of a bishop takes your hard-earned money with a smirk, then slam-dunks your personal pride and dignity into a waste-basket;
- you vow never again to make a single dollar's donation to the organization that extorts money from it's life-long membership;
- your head often hurts and you have to take Tylenol on a regular basis because of the things that are troubing you;
- you have to take Xanax to manage the mounting cognitive dissonance;
- you have to take Wellbutrin to manage the deepening depression in your life, caused by God-only-knows;
- you're afraid to tell your best friend you no longer accept everything you have been told about God and religion because he/she might rat on you;
- you get anxious every time one of your teen-aged girls has a birthday, or a six month birthday anniversary, because the bishop or one of his faithful counselors will be hitting them up for an interview, without your knowledge or permission;
- you are instructed by the SP that your teen-aged daughters are to be interviewed by the bishop, "alone," that is, with no parent present, or not interviewed at all;
- you're afraid the bishop will completely fuck-up your twelve year-old's head during a coming-of-Priesthood-age interview, because your son is too honest and innocent and is subsequently found unworthy to pass the sacrament with his peers because he admits to practicing "self-abuse" (exactly what kind of a whack-job refers to something so natural in those terms, please tell me?);
- you actually consider telling your kids to simply lie to the bishop in interviews, if necessary;
- you suddenly realize that an organization that exacts such moronic, devilish and absurd thoughts, behavior and requirements from its membership, in this day and time, has pretty much completely lost touch with reality, preys on the innocence of children, the intelligence and integrity of adults, and ultimately parades around as an institution of God when just the opposite is the case;
- you get sick to the stomach thinking about all of the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical abuse that is perpetrated in the name of God among and upon good folks you have known for years;
- you can't sleep at night because of the things that you can't stop thinking about;
- you're afraid to tell your siblings you no longer buy into all of the church crap;
- you hesitate to invite your brother-in-law to watch an "R-rated" movie with you because of the lecture you most assuredly will get, again;
- you can't find an extended family member to talk to, one who will truly listen to what you have to say, and try to understand, without challenging you to fast and pray about it, again;
- you are ultimately driven in secrecy to share your inner-most thoughts and feelings with complete and total strangers on an internet forum;
- you're afraid to post with honesty on this forum because someone in your neighborhood might see it and put two and two together;
- you're afraid if someone puts two and two together then you'll be found out--become labeled an apostate, and life will begin to become more challenging;
- you're afraid if you are labeled an apostate you might lose some of your present "so-called" friends;
- you're afraid folks once friendly to you will turn and walk the other way upon seeing you in a Wal-mart isle, or look the other way when seen dropping a kid off at school;
- you're afraid your kids will be shunned by their current friends because their parents tell them to stay away from the children of a "wicked apostate";
- you've simply had enough, and you finally intend to call it quits, without regrets, with a heart full of gratitude for family, friends here at home and on this forum, and the Universe for an abundance of mercy, joy, love, knowledge, light and understanding;
| You know you live in Utah when...
- Green jello with carrots mixed in doesn't seem strange.
- You can pronounce Tooele.
- The U is not just a letter - Neither is the Y.
- You have actually eaten funeral potatoes.
- You've gotten both heat and frost burns off your car's door handle in the same month.
- You are not surprised to hear words like "Darn, Fetch, Flip", "Oh, My Heck" and "Shoot".
- Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom.
- Fry Sauce is something you can actually buy.
- Hunting season is a school holiday.
- The largest liquor store is the state government.
- You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.
- 30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable.
- You know the difference between a 'Steak House' and a 'Stake House'.
- The elevation exceeds the population.
- You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you
- You can see the stars at night
- You have a bumper sticker that says "Families are Forever" or RULDS2?
- Your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out.
- You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
- Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday.
- You drink Coke from a brown paper bag.
- You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.
- At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
- You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant.
- You wonder why fire truck drivers honk when you drive 35 mph in the left lane on the freeway.
- There is a similarity between a ward basketball game and the L.A. riots.
- You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
- You negotiate prices at a garage sale.
- You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe.
- You've heard about BYU football in a testimony meeting.
- You have two gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times.
- A member of your family wrote in Lavell Edwards for president in the last election.
- Cars in the slow lane are traveling the fastest; cars in the fast lane are traveling the slowest; cars in the middle lanes are always trying to exit.
- Sandals are the best-selling shoes.
- Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.
- You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore.
- You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school.
- You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.
- You're on your own if you are turning left.
- People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.
- There's a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.
- The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift.
- People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.
- In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.
- The cost of living rises while your salary drops.
- Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck.
- When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.
- Your paycheck has an additional 10 percent deduction.
- More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.
- You've never had a Mormon missionary knock on your door.
- Your neighbors complain about where they live, yet refuse to return to the state they moved from.
- You make a toast with red punch at a wedding reception.
- You have more raw wheat stored than some Third World countries.
- Your idea of a good time is playing Pictionary in the cultural hall.
- Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Dr. Pepper and a PG-13 movie.
- You and all your friends come to your mother for a haircut in her kitchen.
- You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million.
- You think "You're a 10 cow wife" is a compliment.
| AP - Salt Lake City
Mormon church president Gordon B. Hinckley today announced plans for a new Mormon-themed amusement park. The park, to be named "MegaloMormonLand" by Hinckley, will be built adjacent to the newly acquired Crossroads Mall, and has a projected cost of $13.5 billion dollars.
"Nothing is too good for the Lord", remarked Hinckley when asked about the cost. "This park will stand as a testament to the faith and heritage of our pioneer ancestors, who would pause regularly for recreation on their long journey across the plains. They had faced bitter persecution. Mobs had destroyed their crops. Corrupt politicians had stolen their land. And yet, they perservered. We will too, in building the Lord's amusement park".
The park, which will feature an 18 foot statue of Hinckley himself at the front gate, is projected to open in May of 2008. "We are going to make church fun again", said Hinckley. "Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvelous?"
Church spokesman Richard Turley explained that "the park will feature three distinct areas, corresponding to the three degrees of glory". Tea and coffee will not be served, in deference to the church's strong stand against them. In their place, soft drinks such as Coca-Cola, Jolt Cola, and Red Bull will be sold. Concession stands will feature all-you-can-eat smorgasbords with barbecue pits modeled after the "ChuckWagon" in Bountiful and "Golden Corral" in Orem, restaurants popular with many Mormons. "Members of the church have been incredibly blessed by the Word of Wisdom", said Turley. "We intend to keep it that way, both with the beverages and the food we consume".
Children's attractions include "Do You See What I See?", where children dig in a well modeled after Willard Chase's well to find their very own "seer stone". Those children who have paid the $449.95 ticket price will also get their own hat to drop the stone in afterwards. The child telling the most creative story while staring into their hat will win a replica of the armour breastplate Smith later said he used for translating.
Another attraction, "24 Hours", has a projected ticket price of $529.99. Girls from fourteen years of age and up will have the opportunity of being propositioned by an actor portraying Mormon founder Joseph Smith after being locked in a room, in honour of Joseph and Brigham's approach toward young English convert Martha Brotherton. If the girl hesitates to accept his marriage proposals, the actor announces she has "24 hours" to decide whether to be "exalted" or not. "Our young women need to understand how serious marriage is", commented Turley. "Giving them a chance to be propositioned by a real prophet of God will help prepare them for a world all too anxious to misuse our sacred powers of procreation for purposes of mere pleasure".
Family attractions include the game "What's Eternal?". They compete to see which "eternal" doctrines that they've never heard of are real or invented. Options include macabre death oaths re-enacting the slashing of temple intiates' throats, Brigham Young's inclusion into the temple lecture at the veil the claim that Adam was the physical and spiritual father of Jesus Christ, a trinitarian God, that native Americans descend from BOM characters, and the claim that African-Americans - and Native Americans - and Jews - are all cursed or wicked races of human beings. Projected cost: $2499.99 per family.
Planned adult attractions include "A Roll in the Hay", where couples willing to pay the ticket price of $899.95 will be able to have sex in a hayloft modeled exactly after the loft where Mormon founder Joseph Smith first secretly had sex with his teenaged housemaid, Fanny Alger, in 1833.
Other features will include "Ring Around the Christus", modeled after the classic "Tilt-A-Whirl" ride, a waterslide called "The Waters of Mormon" spanning from the top of the new Joseph Smith Memorial Center, circling the top of the Salt Lake Temple, and landing back at the park, and a rollercoaster entitled "Midnight Train to Kolob", whose theme song will be specially recorded by Mormon convert Gladys Knight.
"Absolutely no tithing funds are being used to help with the $13.5 billion price tag for this amusement park", said Turley. "The church is very aware of the sacrifices that members make all over the world. The last thing we would ever want to do is squander money that properly belongs to the Lord and his church".
In other Mormon news, a small branch in Tegucigalpa, Mexico, recently pooled their money to send to homeless war refugees in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Any other ideas for MegaloMormonLand?
| Having girded up my loins with my own magic underwear; gray jockey low rise briefs with a black waist band, still having the lingering aroma of a just consumed skinny-fat Caffè Latte with half a pack of raw sugar on my lips and knowing that the “FARCE” had once been strong with me, I prepared to enter the “Death Star” known as the Church Office Building.
It had been my plan to don my cheapest Sears polyester suit and white shirt in an effort to blend in with the Morg-bots entering the COB, but gladly I have never owned a Sears suit and I gave away all my old white shirts, swearing to never wear another one when entering any property owned by the Morg. It is my personal statement that, NO I will not be assimilated. You have no power over me.
I entered the COB in all my Exmo Glory. It felt like I was entering a convention of IBM employees.... I’ve never seen so many white shirted people.
The inside of the COB looks every bit like a scene out of an “Austin Powers” movie...in other words its a time warp back to the 70’s.
The building is LONG over due for an update...perhaps this is on the plate with the Billion-Dollar mall makeover. Despite the 90-degree temperature outside, the COB projects a cold, stark, sanitized, plastic corporate feel as soon as you enter its revolving doors.
The first thing I noticed was all of the Morg-bots moving about.... and I swear this is the truth.... NO ONE WAS HAPPY OR SMILING.
I was greeted by a frumpy older aged stepford wife “sister” at the reception desk who directed me to the elevators. Her white nameplate identified her as Sister ****.
My purpose in going to the Belly of the Beast was to see for myself just how big and busy the Church Membership Department was... I guess that I was curious to see for myself if all the rumors were true about a mass exodus from the church, keeping Greg Dodge and his staff exhausted in an effort to keep up with the exit demand. But first I needed to pass the security check point.
The security guard looked like he used to play line backer for the BYU Football team...he was huge...and I don’t think he had been given his allocation of red meat yet today.
I smilingly walked up to him and in my most kind and sincere voice I told him that I needed to go up to the 13th floor to see Greg Dodge in the church membership records department.
He asked me if I had an appointment. When I told him that I did not he asked me the nature of my visit. I then told him that I wanted to see how large the department was...I could see that the “FARCE” was strong in him...so I changed tactics.... and decided to show him my signs and tokens.
As I began to slash my hand across my throat, I sensed an interruption in the “FARCE“ so I symbolically slashed my chest and then my bowels.
He growled at me and told me that I was in the wrong building, that those signs and tokens had no power in this building...he then waved a magnetic card in front of my face.... and said that this was the only way that a person could get to the highest level.
What! I was stocked, I wondered if the general church population knew that they needed a magnetic card to get the highest levels.
Was this another new church doctrine that the general membership doesn’t know about.
So as NOT to be defeated in my quest...I decided to take the COB Observation Deck Tour.
I was determined to show church security that I could in fact get to the top without the use of a Mormon magnetic card.
I returned to Sister **** acting as a never-mo and asked her about the tour...seeing a prospective baptism being credited to her efforts, she eagerly volunteered to take me to the top.
While on the tour she shared with me several important Mormon doctrines; and I swear this is true; that some pioneer children, who died on route to SLC, were buried in toolboxes. She was playing to my feelings...but I didn't let her tactic deter me from my mission.
Seeing that I was unmoved she told me that several of her very own ancestors (in her own words) "Died IN the Plane" ...upon hearing this I expressed my condolences and asked how many others had died in this plane crash...she got this look in her eyes and said...Oh no not
p-l-a-n-e..its p-l-a-i-n; they died in the plain. Ok I’m an ass...(smile on my face). But acting as a Never-Mo...I didn't want to assume anything and I didn't.
She was a kind elderly volunteer widow lady and I didn’t want to take advantage of her...but I had to get a few digs in....so I told her that I was in town and decided to see what the “HELL” this building was all about. Yeah I swore right in front of her in the COB...she got this nervous look and kinda let out a little giggle. But I made it too the TOP
Anyway...at Half Time the score is “COB 1 Paxton 0” , as I haven’t YET gotten to that elusive thirteenth floor...
I swear that portions of the afore mentioned story are as true as the foundational claims of mormonsim....
| LDS Church Releases Anti-Demonic Water Filters |
By Moroni Marten (rmw)
SALT LAKE CITY – The LDS church has
released a series of water filters designed to filter out "demons." According to a press release, the LDS church has been
working for years to design and produce water filters that would address the issue of "Satanic control" of the waters.
According to a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants, which is purported to be direct revelations from God, the
waters in the last days have been cursed and in control of Satan.
"The episodes of strange demonic water problems
among LDS members has increased substantially over the last few years," declared Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle of the LDS
church. "We are aware of the increasing power Satan has over the waters and the Church has countered with the release of these
Church records indicate that accidents on the water have
increased ten fold over the last few years. The documented cases of "possession of demons" resulting from "consuming demonic
water" has also sky-rocketed. The most well-known case of "possession of demons" came last year when the daughter of Elder
Henry B. Eyring was severely possessed and is currently institutionalized.
The LDS church
first began addressing the problem by forming the "Water Purification Committee" last February. According to one member of the
new committee, the water filters of various sizes are purchased commercially, but are then "blessed and set apart by a member of
the high priesthood" as a protection against demons. "No Satanic spirit can penetrate a filter blessed and set apart by the
Melchizedek Priesthood," said Elder Scott.
The first "demon free" swimming pool filled by passing water through the
newly blessed filters opened last month and since then several other swimming and recreational facilities have been using "demon
It may be some time, however, before a large body of water such
as a lake will be "demon free," although an attempt to do just that was tried in late April.
"A high-ranking member
of LDS church tried to bless Pineview Reservoir in northern Utah to de-demonize it without using any filters, but it failed and
he was almost drowned by the demons," said an anonymous source. Apparently, the only way to free water from Satan's control is
by passing the water through the blessed filters.
In a testing period last July, the filters were
reported to have worked "beautifully." The filters will be available in various sizes for sink taps, hoses, bathtubs,
showerheads, and even irrigation devices. Some LDS farmers are ecstatic about the filters. "I was very worried that demonized
water would get into my corn," said Jack Burrows, a Utah farmer. "The last thing I wanted was to have some people get possessed
from eatin' my corn."
The filters will be sold at distribution centers in September and
will be available to order online by the end of the year.
| MORMON BARBIE!
In celebration of Barbie's 40th birthday, Mattel has created a Mormon Barbie for the folks in Utah.
The most popular, Celestial Barbie, comes with 8.4 children. She wears a mid-calf flower print
Laura Ashley dress with conservative flats (no heels), a bow in her flowing shoulder-length hair, with puffy bangs. Barbie wears a permanent smile and comes with her own bread making machine, store of wheat, list of ways to feed a family of 12 on less than $200 a week, casserole recipes, and year's supply of green Jell-O.
Also available MAV (Dodge/Ford/Nissan/whatever mini-van, otherwise known as a Mormon Assault Vehicle). When you pull the cord in her back she sheds real tears and says, "You have such a special spirit, Sister," and "Love ya." Occasionally you can find one that say "Oh, my heck!" but this is a manufacturer's defect. Celestial Barbie would never say "heck."
You can buy a Celestial Ken to go with Celestial Barbie, but he's hard to find. (he's always off fulfilling some priesthood calling, so he's rarely home.)
Other Special LDS Barbies include: RM Barbie - This somewhat dumpy Barbie comes with your choice of a BYU or Ricks sweatshirt and mini computer, and bears her testimony in a foreign language.
Homemaking Leader Barbie - Comes with a wide assortment of miniature baking, sewing, and craft supplies.
Primary President Barbie - Not very popular, since this one has no hair. Pull her cord and she sings "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree," "Give Said the Little Stream," and folds her arms to remind everyone to be reverent.
RS Presidency Barbies - Sold in sets of three, these Barbies come complete with their own agenda! Also included are mini telephones which come attached to their ears. Batteries required, as these busy little numbers never stop running. No shut off buttons.
YW Leader Barbie - Comes dressed for camp with all necessary equipment, including enough insect repellent for everyone. Bishop Ken also available in camping attire.
YW Skippers - Laurels, Mia Maids, and Beehives, all cute as buttons, dressed in flannel nighties for the sleepover. One-piece swimsuits and knee-length shorts outfits also available.
Nursery Leader Barbie - This frazzled, smiling Barbie talks in her own baby-like voice and comes with an assortment of babies and toddlers, storybooks, toys, and a supply of disposable diapers. Be careful, however: on Sundays after church, all this one wants to do is sleep.
Organist Barbie - Has rimmed glasses and comes with her very own spiral-bound hymnal. Sits only--in position to play, with arms bent and fingers extended. Piano also available.
Chorister Barbie - right arm permanently raised to a moving square. Sings seven hymns. Batteries required.
Visiting Teaching Barbies - Sold in sets of two, this is a true collector's item as each set has its own recorded message. Comes with supply of message handouts and plates of birthday and Christmas cookies.
Stake Leader Barbie - comes with a voluminous set of mini leadership manuals.
Salt Lake Leader Barbie - White hair in a hurricane do! Also available: Priesthood leader husband Ken who sits permanently asleep on the stand. Eyes do not open. Snores. Batteries required.
| "I know the Church is true." |
"That's not a statement about the Church, that's a statement about YOU."
"You need to have more faith."
"I never thought you'd stoop to using the F-word!"
"But, you used to have a testimony."
"'When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.'" (I Corinthians 13:11)
"Oh no, you've fallen away."
"No, I've risen above."
"Don't you want to be with your family in the afterlife?"
"Not if they won't allow me to think my own thoughts."
"But the three witnesses never denied their testimony."
"O. J. Simpson never denied his testimony either."
"Then how do you explain the Book of Mormon?"
"Can my explanation be just as absurd as a guy translating secret golden plates by putting a stolen peep-stone into his hat?"
"Do you think you're smarter than the leaders of the church?"
"I don't think I'm smarter than the College of Cardinals but that doesn't make the Catholic church true."
"But what possible reason could Joseph Smith have had for making it all up?"
"You're an intelligent, creative person; I bet you can think of ten possible reasons all by yourself if you put your mind to it."
| You might be on your way out of Mormonism if....
- Your heart rate increases dramatically every time you buy a coffee.
- You buy your new gentile underwear at three a.m. to minimize the chances of being seen by the ward members.
- The word "apostate" doesn't sound scary anymore, but instead fills you with a sense of pride.
- The word "endowment" makes you cringe far more than any curse word you know of.
- Books by D. Michael Quinn now outnumber books by Gerald Lund in your personal library.
- The increase in cookies brought to your door has increased by 300%
- You're caught snoring in SM.
- You don't panic if you're late for SM.
- You realize that within a moment viewing bits of history that aren't "always helpful" has gone from being troublesome to fascinating.
- You recieve nastygrams left by chickenshit members in the middle of the night.
- You only wear garments when your gentile undies aren't clean.
- 10% of your gross income goes to Fidelity.
- "Fast" Sunday is a day spent participating in outdoor motorsports.
- "You" have dominion over the water on Sunday, rather than Satan.
- You are eager, rather than hesitant, to explain that you are originally from Utah, and a "mormon", well, sort of.
- You realize George W. Bush claims to receive more revelation from God than President Hinckley does.
- You stop including middle initials when referring to general authorities.
- You smirk when the latest temple dedicatory prayer in Latin America refers to the locals as "the children of Lehi."
- You start finding ways to use temple endowment language in everyday speech.
- Michael Quinn becomes a household name.
- You'd rather have a root canal than sit through testimony meeting.
- You start forming your own political opinions.
- You know who Fanny Alger is.
- You no longer think that good feelings during a stirring rendition of "Love One Another" are good evidence that Joseph Smith translated the golden plates.
- The merest glance at the Book of Abraham facsimilies causes you to giggle.
- You start reading books with titles like "Why Smart People Believe Weird Things."
- To avoid boredom, rather than view General Conference, you watched two episodes of Family Matters, a golf tournament, and several infomercials.
- You decide Carl Sagan was a pretty great guy after all.
- You declare the proverbial oxe to be in the mire from here on out, and start shopping and seeing movies on Sundays.
- You can't remember the last time you used the word "moisture."
- A member of the bishoprick is suddenly assigned as your new home teacher.
- You actually like Sundays.
- The thought of going to Home Depot on a Saturday is what now fills you with fear.
- You watch a movie without even knowing or caring what it's rated.
- Someone in the movie says "fuck" and you don't feel the need to shrink into your seat.
- Someone in the movie says "Oh my God" and you don't feel the need to say a prayer of apology for listening.
- The waitress asks if you'd like a margarita, and rather than being offended by the question, you're offended by the low-quality liquor they use.
- If your temple recomend interview doesn't get past the first question.
- You refer to the church president as "Gordo."
- If you have a new idea of what it means to be "endowed."
- If you suddenly find all the truth to be "useful."
- You think Sunstone is too tame.
- You embrace the "limited geography" theory of the Book of Mormon. (Limited to Joseph's imagination, that is.)
- You rather enjoy using disparaging acronyms like COB, TSCC, the Morg, etc.
- You finished more than one of Bob McCue's essays.
- You completely lose all sense of humanity, morality, and decency and commence a hedonistic lifestyle of debauchery and nihilism, recklessly destroying relationships with everyone you've ever loved, abandoning yourself wholly to the whims of Satan.
- You think that girl's tattoo and extra earrings look pretty hot, actually.
- You no longer consider ice tea to be a "hot drink."
- You've actually inquired as to whether you could get a tithing refund.
- Your co-worker accuses you of being apostate because you speak with derision about the idea that there's only "one true church" and your response is, "I am apostate. I admit it freely."
- TBMs suddenly stop acknowleding you exist.
- You're more annoyed by the billboard advertising a store called "Knee Shorts" than you are by the billboard advertising gay pride day.
- You find that when discussing Mormonism online you write "the church" rather than "the Church".
- You actually enjoy the notion that the COB knows exactly who you are behind that avatar and has an extensive file on you.
- You've tried at least three times to write a letter to family or friends explaining your new views. None of them have necessarily ever been sent.
- You walk shamelessly into Starbuck's, hold your head up high, and proclaim "I'll have a grande americano". Then when they ask "Room for cream?" you boldly affirm, "Yes!"
- You know your Riesling from your Hefeweizen.
- You drink wine in restaurants and actually kind of hope you someone you know walks in.
- You've had a few drinks and found that afterwards you curiously didn't turn into an abusing raving lunatic with no self-control.
- You've got a warm feeling inside. This means you either just drank something alcoholic, or you've been fantasizing about life without Mormonism.
- You go shopping on Sunday and buy a whole case of Mikes Hard Limonade and don't care that your TBM neighbor is driving up from church right when you are hauling it out of your trunk and into the house. (This actually happened to me today!)
- Your former bishop "drops by" and you tell him to make an appointment next time. Then when he calls to make an appointment and asks your kid to speak with you and they say, "Just a minute." then they tell you, It's the bishop, he wants to speak with you. You say, "Take a message. I'm busy." loud enough to make sure he can hear you in the background.
- You have more gay and minority friends than TBM friends.
- You think the Catholic church is actually more progressive and less abusive than Mormonism.
- You fantasize about painting a big Golden arches on the absurd plastic white steeple on the brick ward house every time you drive by.
- Everytime you see a mormon missionary you yell, "brainwashers!" and fantasize about asking them how many wives Joseph Smith had and how many of them were married to other men when he married them.
- You think it's more important to be a good person than a good Mormon.
- You discover that most people are not looking for "the one true church."
- You realize that dismissive, monolithic phrases like "the philosophy of the world" and "the teachings of men" are pretty inadequate given the thousands of different philosophies and ideas available in the marketplace of ideas.
- You decide that being peculiar just for the sake of being peculiar is pretty silly.
- You wonder just how in the name of all that's holy they got you to believe that God cares what kind of underwear you wear.
- If you'd rather spend an afternoon with Todd Compton than with Gordon B. Hinckley.
- You feel more sympathy for the missionaries than you do pride.
- Now you only dread Sunday nights, and not Saturday nights, too.
- You spend SM either sleeping, reading "gentile" literature on your PDA, or at 7-11/Starbucks.
- You have more twinges of guilt while standing behind a little old lady digging for enough change to pay the cashier at the grocery than you do while you're skipping church.
- You begin to ponder whether maybe gays really were just made that way.
- You'd rather listen to Miles Davis than Michael McLean.
- You accept that abortion is not a black-and-white issue.
- You think that being on a pedestal is quite possibly not as good as being in charge.
- a sister-in-law says what you're doing will impact the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of others including those not yet born
- your brother asks what kind of hideous sin you are covering up with this "concern" about church history
- your father says he fears Satan has his hooks into you
- your father says he fears Satan controls everything you do
- you've met with your bishop and you ask him what he would do if he was bishop of the Nauvoo 4th Ward in 1842 and Joseph Smith asked for his wife or daughter for plural marriage
- your bishop completely deflates at the question
- you've met with someone from the stake presidency who ends up saying priesthood leaders are often left to their own [ie there is no frequent revelation] in their callings but "the church does a lot of good"
- this same member of the stake presidency accepts your challenge to purchase and read Grant Palmer's An Insider's View of Mormon Origins.
- you come to the conclusion that the teachings of the LDS church amount to no more than THE PHILOSOPHIES OF MEN MINGLED WITH SCRIPTURE
- Your new super-secret behavior is hanging-out at "A View from the Foyer" or "RFM"
- Your bishop is the only one you know who thinks you might be gay
- Various forms of the word "offend" start appearing in proximity to your name during ward gossip sessions
- You get little notes in the mail regarding how much your "interesting" point of view has been missed in priesthood meeting
- Your spouse suddeny has more friends in the church than ever
- Your bishop starts talking to you about how he doesn't want to have to "take care" of your wife and raise your children
| Five pennies make a nickel, two nickels make a dime, |
Ten dimes will make a dollar, how we'll make them shine.
Ten dollars make a sawbuck, and now it isn't funny,
For sawbucks turn to C-notes, and that's a lot of money.
Ten million of those C-notes, piled deep and tall,
Can fruitfully be spent, in acquiring a mall.
And when we own the mall, we'll run it as we choose;
We'll close it every Sunday, but we'll sell a lot of booze.
| SALT LAKE CITY--A spokeswoman for the General Relief Society Board announced late yesterday afternoon the Board's submittal of a 14th Article of Faith to the First Presidency of the Mormon Church. If accepted, it would constitute the first change in this quasi-scriptural statement of faith penned by LDS founder Joseph Smith.
"Not that there's anything wrong with the first thirteen," said Sister JoMaryEllen Hanks. "It's just that none of them really get to the core of what we think it means to be Mormon. We propose to change that."
The amendment reads: "We believe in being perky, cheerful, sprightly, energetic, jolly and merry in all things, at all times, even at funerals, or loss of limb, or if you totally missed the rubber stamp workshop at Scrapp 'n Snip, or if our Prozac prescription ran out."
According to Sister Hanks, "Nothing in this life is so dreary that a happy smile can't make it better. If you know that Heavenly Father loves you, what's a little sexual molestation or heart disease? In the eternal scheme of things, what does it matter if your child is killed by a drunk driver? She's now living in the Celestial Kingdom, cheering you on!"
Observers believe this proposal is a timely move on the part of the Relief Society General Board.
"Sometimes I just feel like crying all day long," said Mindee Smith of the LDS Hillview Ward. "All these kids at home, a husband I never see, dinner to cook, a Primary lesson to prepare. But then I remember to smile and even though it doesn't really fix anything, at least I'm not a poor reflection on my husband or the Church."
Some critics, however, worry that the proposed article goes too far.
Said Karl Messenger, LDS Institute Director at Weber State, "I don't care for the word 'sprightly.' I worry about the senior citizens among us who might feel guilty about their wheelchairs and walkers."
Still, proponents note that even old folks can "paint on a smile for the greater good," although their nurses point out that they are more likely to drool on themselves. "At least they can slobber cheerfully," said Hanks.
"We want our people to mourn in a jolly fashion, suffer merrily, labor energetically, endure illness cheerfully, because anything else might suggest to the world that we have problems, and that simply will never do in the Kingdom of Heaven! I bear testimony to the fact that happiness is all about looking good, no matter how you feel," Hanks added.
Proponents of the additional Article of Faith say that its message is in more than just the words. The printed version ends with a smiley face rather than with the usual period. "It's perkier that way," said Hanks. "You just have to smile! And that's really what it means to be a Mormon, right?"
The First Presidency is expected to rule favorably on the Relief Society Board's proposal in time for a final announcement at the Church's Fall General Conference.
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