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  COMEDY - SECTION 2
Total Articles: 21
Great selection of Ex-Mormon comedy.
What Makes You Laugh When You Look Back At Your Life In Mormonism?
Friday, Sep 23, 2005, at 06:59 AM
Original Author(s): Susieq#1
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
I plan on staying young snickering and laughing at the goofiness of Mormonism! Humor, as they say, is the best medicine and not taking Mormonism seriously has been great fun since leaving it!

Sometimes I forget just how funny it was!

A little walk through memory lane:

I still laugh daily about the goofiness of Mormonism and the funny stuff that happened!

I snicker at the time the High Council speaker was talking in that dry, monotone drone telling us the same things over and over like we were little kids in Primary and the bishop was asleep on the stand and snoring.

I have a good laugh at myself all decked out in that silly, outlandish temple dress and robes and backwards veil and ghastly green apron talking in hushed tones like we were afraid we would wake the dead!

I laugh at myself checking the seats in the temple with my hand to see if they are dry before I sit down because a bunch of really old members had just left the session and I hoped they were wearing their Depends!

I laugh at all the garment lace trim I saw on the women who could not keep their underwear - underwear!

I laugh at the men in their well worn, thread-bear polyester white shirts with their garment line (the smile!) showing through with that humble-arrogance (figure that one out).

I laugh at the serious Stake President going on and on and counseling (not by commandment, he said) the young people in how to address the "brethren" as Bishop and President and not refer to the local bishop whose first name was Bud as: "This Bud's for You"!

I laugh at the "sister" who bore her testimony about how she was healed from a urinary tract infection (she did not actually say urinary tract infection, but we got the point) and had no pain sitting on the organ bench that morning!

I laugh at the "sister" who was called upon unexpectedly to say a closing prayer when we were studying the poet Robert Frost in the "Out of the Best Books" series in Relief Society (when we really learned something) and thanked Heavenly Father for the wonderful lesson on Jack Frost.

I laugh at the "brother"who was playing a word game in our home with other members and said: "orgasm" when he meant to say organism and no one missed a beat and ignored his faux pax!

I laugh at the little child who thanked Heavenly Father in her testimony for her "brothers and sisters" and she did not have any "sisters."

What strikes you funny about Mormonism?
A Goldie Oldie For Your Sabbath Entertainment
Thursday, Sep 29, 2005, at 07:27 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning
(Tune: "Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning" created by Jillian 07/17/2001)

(1)
Welcome, welcome Sabbath Morning. Time for church but we don't care.
While the Mormons rush to meetings we are glad we won't be there.
Hassled moms and fussy children. Priesthood dads in shirt and tie.
They go through this torture weekly, but I can't imagine why!

Chorus:

Welcome, welcome, Sabbath Morning. Time for church, but we don't care.
While the Mormons rush to meetings we are glad we won't be there.

(2)
Sunday worship for the Mormons with the group they call the 'ward'.
All three meetings smashed together - spend three hours being bored.
Cram three wards into one building. People crowding through the doors.
Blocs meet morning, noon or evening; just be sure you go to YOURS.

(chorus)

(3)
See the boys serve priesthood functions, as the girls sit looking sweet.
An important message sending, every week it will repeat.
As these young girls grow to women, they will leave the church behind.
Those who understand their value, are the ones they want to find.

(chorus)

(4)
Sit and listen, don't ask questions. Lessons tell us all we need.
Even though your brain is itching, just ignore it. Pay no heed.
Correlation wrote the manual, extra facts will just confuse.
If the members start to ponder, think how many they might lose.

(chorus)
You Might Be A Mormon If
Friday, Oct 28, 2005, at 09:30 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
You might be a Mormon if...
  • You have a lot more Grand Grandmas than Great Grandpas.
  • Gladys Knight is your favorite black recording artist ... in fact, she might be your favorite black person ...
  • You have told people that Salt Lake City is an important cultural centre.
  • You have told people that BYU is a "great academic institution".
  • One of your kids was accepted by several Ivy League schools and BYU, and went to the "Y" because "some things are more important than education".
  • You have mentioned the outcome of a college football game while praying at any time during the past month.
  • You think God cares about college football.
  • When you smash your thumb with a hammer you say something like "FEEEEEEETCH!".
  • You tasted wine once, thought it was disgusting, and have wondered ever since how anyone could like it.
  • When that nice investment advisor promised you that your money would triple next month if you gave it to him to invest for you, you felt so wonderful inside that you knew God was finally going to bless you so that you could pay off your first, second and third mortgages and go on a mission!
  • You are profoundly overweight, seldom exercise, and feel righteous when while enjoying your second desert at the buffet restaurant you see a guy who looks like he runs marathons abusing his body by drinking a glass of wine.
  • You tell people that you cannot disclose anything about the temple, even though it's online.
  • You pay ten percent of your cat food to the bishop in keeping with the commandment, because you want to be honest in your dealings with your fellow man.
  • You offer 10 percent of your home for use to the local ward
  • You believe the WoW was divinely instituted, despite the fact that people tell you that 'Ol Joe drank beer.
  • You ardently raise your right arm to the square when you sustain tanyone, no matter what it is. For example you raise your right arm to the square when you find out that your best friend is going fly fishing.
  • When someone knocks on your door, you instinctively say in your head, "What is wanted?"
  • When you get a bonus or monetary gift, you immediately deduct 10% in your head to determine how much of it you actually get to keep.
  • You've ever checked the bottom of your shorts legs to make sure your underpants weren't sticking out.
  • All your friends are Mormon.
  • You have to take two vehicles on the family road trip.
  • Your bed sits over several #10 cans of wheat, rice, and potato pearls.
  • You have a child named Lehi or Teancum. Or Mahonri Moriancumr.
  • You can talk about God in a foreign language, but can't conduct business in that same language.
  • You don't know Joseph Smith was a polygamist.
  • You believe that Mayans once cruised the countryside on horseback, weilding steel swords and centurion armor.
  • You refrain from eating Klondike bars because the chocolate coating has liqueur in it.
  • You consider the republican party to be more righteous and worthy than any of the others.
  • You've written Harry Reid to call him to repentance.
  • While dating, a little petting and oral sex was forgivable but you'd die before touching a cup of coffee even once.
  • You see nothing odd about wedding receptions being held at an indoor basketball court.
  • You are sure God directs us to our car keys after a little prayer, but decides not to intervene on our behalf in trivial things like war, abuse and natural disasters .
  • You love,respect and believe in the equality of all of God's children, yet you pray in gratitude that you were valiant enough in the pre-existence to be born into the conditions that you were.
  • You regularly discuss your underwear in private behind a closed door with a 50 year old man - and think nothing about it.
  • You send your adolescent kids into that same room with that same man behind the same closed door - and think nothing of it.
  • You have no problem excluding non-member family from witnessing temple marriage ceremonies, but would scream persecution from the top of your lungs if you are ever denied anything based on your religion.
  • You think families that go to the lake together on Sundays are evil and missing out.
  • You believe that the sun gets its light from a superior star called Kolob (still shaking my head on that one).
  • You call the corner of a school where the only two non-Mormon teachers have classrooms, "outer darkness."
  • You think tank tops are immoral.
  • You believe people who drink are immoral.
  • The Local food bank comes to you asking for food during disasters.
  • You don't drink tea or coffee, but have no problem drinking hot chocolate, Mountain Dew, Coke, Pepsi, Surge, and Herbal Teas
  • You think people who have mohawks and earrings in their nose look funny, but think you look cool sporting a green apron and a chiefs cap
  • Have ever considered flirting with a coworker when your married because the law against polygamy could be lifted any time and you want to keep your prospects open.
  • Refuse to watch historically accurate films and documentaries because they are rated R
  • Think National Geographic is a porno mag.
  • You know what the hell the term "Miamaid" means.
  • You have children and grandchildren of approx. the same age.
  • You carry a briefcase to church every sunday for no apparent reason.
  • You attained the rank of Eagle, but don't know the scout, oath, motto, or really a damn thing about the boy scouts.
  • You have a brother named "Jared"...making you, of course..."The Brother of Jared".
  • You know how to pronounce the names "Nephi", "Lehi", and many other names of make-believe characters.
  • The term "My Heck" doesn't sound completely f'ing stupid to you.
  • You use the term "Negro" out of respect for one of another race than you.
  • You consider Thurl Bailey to be the wisest and most entertaining of all "Negroes".
  • Your most hated football team is whoever happens to be playing against BYU on any given weekend.
  • You are a total weenie, you associate only with total weenies, and you are completely unaware of it.
  • It's ok for you to have sex, repent and go on a mission...but you will marry only a virgin.
And lots more ...
'Twas The Night Before Smithmas
Friday, Oct 28, 2005, at 09:35 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
I figured with the upcoming Joseph Smith extravaganza planned around Christmastime, it might be a good idea to modify an old Christmas standard to help celebrate:

‘Twas the night before Smithmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The scriptures were placed on the nightstand with care,
In hopes that the Prophet Joe soon would be there;

All twelve children nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of golden books danced in their heads;
And ma in her garmies and I in the same,
Had just sat down for a non-face-card game,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I opened the curtain,
But what it was I could not see quite for certain.

The moon on the snow down below on the ground
Shone as bright as the noonday Sun all around,
When, what, in wondering awe I should see,
But the prophet, President Gordon Hinckley!

I knew it was him, for behind him there stood
Valiant apostles of the holy priesthood.
All in their suits and conservative ties,
And he called them by name with a gleam in his eyes;

“Now, PACKER! Now, PERRY! Now, BEDNAR and NELSON!
On WIRTHLIN! On BALLARD! On UCHTDORF and MONSON!
To the ends of the Earth, from Belize to Nepal!
Now preach away! Preach away! Preach away all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So right down the streets these apostles flew,
With bio’s of Hinckley, signed by Sheri Dew.

And then, with the knock I heard at the door,
Down the stairs in a single, big bound I did soar.
As I turned the knob it flew open and in
Marched President Hinckley and his Book of Mormon.

He was dressed like an Elder, what an example!
And wrinkles, there was not a doubt he had ample.
He started at once to preach to me of Joe,
That prophet of old, of whom we all do know.

Said he, “Joseph Smith helped Jesus to save us!
Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it marvelous?
He taught us of temples! He taught us of wives!
Heck, Briggy took all his new spouses in fives!”

Then after he finished his brainwashing talk,
To the family table the old man did walk.
From his sack he took out all manner of things,
From scriptures, to Ensigns, to CTR rings;

He left the lot with us so we could all learn
How true the church must be and feel our hearts burn;
He said to me, “Brother, don’t forget to pay
Your tithes to the church, so you’ll eat well each day.”

He walked out the door just as quick as he came,
And went to the next house to do just the same;
But I heard him exclaim, ere he walked out of sight,
“Merry Smithmas to all, and to all a good night!”
Pocket Home Teacher 1.3
Friday, Nov 4, 2005, at 08:08 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
From: http://www.pocketgear.com/software_de...

"PocketHT is a Home Teaching Tracker. If you do not recognize the term Home Teaching, then this program will be of little use to you. This program will help you track your home teaching visits. Simply add a family on the Family tab, add family members if you wish. Then record when you make your monthly visit to the family. You can use the Members Tab to track birthdays and callings. At the end of the month, when you need to report your hometeaching, you can do so with confidence and accuracy. Home Teaching is an important calling."

"Requirements: Dedication, Love, and a Willing Heart"

If you just threw up a little in your mouth - you are not alone.
Playing Basketball With Jesus
Friday, Nov 4, 2005, at 08:43 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
From http://www.catholicshopper.com/:



I hate playing basketball with Jesus! C'mon man, give us the ball!
How Many Mormon Apologists Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Tuesday, Nov 8, 2005, at 09:32 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
How many Mormon apologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 30.

One to screw it in, three to "peer review" it, and 26 others to explain why the lightbulb never turned on (or maybe it did, but that depends on your definition of "light" and how it relates to the perception of man, and/or the social limitations of the 1800's and the effects on our customs today, and/or the fact that we don't know *exactly* what the lightbulb was made of, and therefore it may or may not of given off light as witnessed, but it's sacred and we can't talk about "the details" of this matter).
BYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism
Tuesday, Nov 8, 2005, at 01:16 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
PROVO, UT - A team of physicists from Brigham Young University announced yesterday that they have succeeded in converting a tiny particle of matter into the truth and sanctity of the Book of Mormon.

Enlarge ImageBYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism

According to BYU physicists, the new Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator may someday enable Mormons to proselytize "cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

"This opens up a new world of possibilities for the Church," said Zebulon Calhoun, a particle physicist and Priest of the Melchizedek Order. "We can now conceive of a time in the near future when we will be able to proselytize cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

The breakthrough occurred at the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator, a giant, hollow tube buried 90 feet below the Bonneville Salt Flats. The tube was unearthed in 1986 by Mormon archaeologists after the President of the Church beheld a vision of a "splendiferous airy ring submerged by the Nephites as a final tabernacle before the great cataclysm."

To trigger the matter-to-Mormonism conversion, a microgram of the element strontium is ordained by the doctrine and arcana of the Urim and Thummim, then bombarded by a high-energy photon traveling at four-fifths the speed of light.

Strontium was chosen for the project because "of all the elements it is the most unstable and therefore the most likely to react strongly to common-sense teachings."

According to Calhoun, though the conversion was invisible to the naked eye, subatomic "fingerprints" left by the collision reveal that for a brief period, the neutrons and protons in the nuclei of the atoms were actually fused together by faith in Jesus Christ and his Gospel as restored through his latter-day prophet, Joseph Smith. Though the Mormon Church has acheived great success with its missionary work in the past, the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator is expected to revolutionize its recruitment efforts.

Enlarge ImageBYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism jump

"Within 50 years," Calhoun said, "the Mormonism contained in the atoms of just a single glass of water will be enough to convert a city the size of St. Louis."

Despite widespread enthusiasm, many Church Elders remain cautious.

"When you're dealing with a high-tech religious converter like this, you always run the risk of a terrible accident," Gadzekiel Foley said. "The last thing we need to worry about is a possible Mormon meltdown."

"I don't think we will ever find a replacement for good old-fashioned missionary work," agreed Gad Jones, Church Elder and president of BYU's Overseas Studies Program. "In terms of spreading goodwill and interest in our faith, all the atoms in the world still can't do what was once done by a little bit of country and a little bit of rock 'n' roll."

With its new converter, the Mormon Church should leap well ahead of its religious competitors. Catholic scientists are still experiencing technical problems with their guilt-fusion reactor, a device critics say requires such high levels of devotional prayer to reach operating temperature that it may never be cost effective.

The Lutheran Church has struggled as well, as its Missouri Synod Project, once touted as the forgiveness generator of tomorrow, has yet to produce its first high-energy, room-temperature Lutheran.

Only Hinduism has been able to keep pace with the Mormons, maintaining its longtime dominance in the field of Reincarnatronic technology.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/...
On The Effectiveness Of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study
Thursday, Nov 10, 2005, at 01:25 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive abilities. We theorize that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/he...

Time to switch to Wax Paper Hats.
LDS Church Builds First Floating Temple
Friday, Nov 11, 2005, at 09:17 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Moroni Marten has put up a great article on the new floating temple:
SOMEWHERE IN THE PACIFIC The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has just completed the first "floating temple" which is used for important sacred ordinances for its members. In an exclusive interview, temple president Elder Mark F. Johnson, explains its purpose.
http://www.rmwhome.com/floatingtemple.htm
Why Does Everybody Hate Me?
Thursday, Nov 24, 2005, at 08:47 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Satan has stopped by The Onion to write a few words.
"I've tried, I really have, but nothing ever goes right for me. Everywhere I go, it's the same thing: people talking about me like I'm not even there, saying how terrible I am. Telling other people not to walk in my path. Urging that I be shunned and reviled, and commanding me in the name of all that is holy to get myself behind them. I swear, sometimes it seems like everybody thinks I'm the worst entity in creation."
And the best line:
"I can't even possess a lousy 10-year-old girl without some geezer in a white collar screaming "The power of Christ compels you!" in my face and insisting that I leave immediately. Look, I just want to connect with a human being for a little while! Levitate a few beds, spin a couple necks around, have some deep, throaty laughs. Is that so wrong?"
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/...
Deseret Book's Kid Game "Split The Ward" Should Be Changed To "Combine The Wards"
Monday, Dec 5, 2005, at 08:04 AM
Original Author(s): Jerry The Aspousetate
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Notice to Deseret Book Christmas Catalog 2005 designer:

On page 84 you have the game for ages 8 and up.

"Split the Ward. The Happy Valley 314th Ward needs your help! In this amusing action-packed game, you and your friends have been called to rearrange some zany characters into new leadership positions. For 2 to 6 players, ages 8 and up."

My suggestion to you Mormons monitoring this board is that you come out with a new version. Start now for your Smithmas 2006 Catalog.

"Combine the Wards. Each player has a ward with zany characters. Due to the exodus from the One True Church brought about by the internet most of the saints got smart and left. You must rearrange the remaining fools into new leadership positions. For 2 to 12 players, 70s and up."

Pay Lay Ale
The Twelve Days Of Smithmas
Friday, Dec 9, 2005, at 09:47 AM
Original Author(s): Resignedinmay
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
The Twelve Days of Smithmas

On the first day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
A guilt trip throughout all eternities.
On the second day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
two wards combining
On the third day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
three Comorah locations
On the fourth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
four unfound cultures
On the fifth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
five tombago plates
On the sixth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
six temple changes
On the seventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Seven members leaving
On the eight day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Eight maids to marry
On the ninth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
nine ladies on Prozac
On the tenth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
ten malls from tithing
On the eleventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
eleven Kirtland bank notes

On the twelfth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
twelve old men droning,
eleven Kirtland bank notes
ten malls from tithing
nine ladies on Prozac
eight maids to marry
Seven members leaving
six temple changes
fiiiiiiive tombago plates,,,,,,
four unfound cultures
three Comorah locations
two wards combining
And a guilt trip throughout all eternities.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Smithmas
Friday, Dec 9, 2005, at 09:50 AM
Original Author(s): Jennyfoo
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Sung to the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" of course.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Smithmas

Have yourself a Merry little Smithmas
Try with all your might
To believe your brain cells must not be quite right.

Have yourself a merry little Smithmas
Tithing you must pay
From now on finances are in disarray

Do not believe anti-Mormon lies
It's not doctrine any more
Faithful members will shut off their brains
science and archeology ignore

Through the years the church will hold together
If truth we don't allow
To avenge the prophets we must take a vow
And have ourselves a merry little Smithmas now.

:)
Dr. Suess for LDS Women
Tuesday, Dec 20, 2005, at 08:09 AM
Original Author(s): Author Unknown
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
You could do what I do if you only knew how.

I study the scriptures one hour each day,
I bake, I upholster, I scrub and I pray
I always keep all the commandments completely.
I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.
I help in their classrooms, I sew all they wear.
I drive them to practice, I cut all their hair.

I go to the temple at least once a week;
I change the car's tires and fix the sink's leak.
I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,
But that is not all, oh no, that is not all!

I play the piano and work on my talents;
My life is a wonder of fullness and balance.
I read to my children, I help all my neighbors.
I bless my community, too, with my labors.
Our family home evenings are always delightful;
The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.
I do genealogy faithfully, too.
It's easy to do all the things that I do.

I have a home business to help make some money;
I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.
My visiting teaching is done the first day;
I exercise, and I cook menus gourmet.
I can garden produce each summer and fall,
but that is not all, oh no, that is not all!

"It's easy," she said,
And then she dropped dead!
Christmas In Zarahemla - A Poem For Smithmas
Thursday, Dec 22, 2005, at 08:44 AM
Original Author(s): Sl Slacke
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Twas the night before Christmas, in fair Zarahemla
Where two seons of gold won't fetch half a limnah
Since the buildings all crumbled and smashed to the ground
Over dead, bloody people heaped up in a mound.

The children were strewn over sharp rocky beds
While visions of cureloms danced in their heads
And Mamma with her bleeding and my fractured thigh
Had just settled down to curse God and die.

When out in the rubble arose such a clatter
I strained my head up to see what was the matter
And peered o'er the stones - my eyes flew like a tapir
just stabbed in a battle with an iron-tipped rapier

The sky covered up by black clouds of debris
Hid the frenzied, cold wounded still trying to flee
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a pinprick of light growing steadily nearer

From a man clothed in white, his robe open in front
Like a pimp-daddy lounge singer pulling some stunt
When a voice still and small wafted over the snow
That pierced to my soul, "Folks it's time for the show!

"Come hear Jesus, my son, in whom I'm well pleased
Who helped ravage your cities with death and disease!"
So I looked and saw Him light down from the sky
Landing on top of and crushing some elderly guy.

I stared right into this holy hipster's breast
Which was shaven as freshly as his chin, legs, and the rest
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

He was fit as a stallion, and smelled of chlorine
From that Heavenly hot tub where he stashed Ann, Meg, and Doreen
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He'd scarcely arrived when he went straight to work
Proclaiming himself emperor, the self-righteous jerk
Then he invited the young and the old not yet dead
To forget their own wounds and check his out instead

Then he quickly got bored and started to rise
Up and lecture us all on how to baptize
He laid out every detail as if I should care
About proper procedures when one missed a few hairs.

Then to prove that he wouldn't leave us all in a lurch
He took care to expound on the name of his Church.
Then he healed some of the injured who had faith to heal
And suggested they forget dead friends who lacked zeal.

Now laying a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up to heaven he rose.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
New Song To Celebrate Smithmas Eve
Friday, Dec 23, 2005, at 08:58 AM
Original Author(s): Wine Country Girl
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
(Tune: I want a hippopotamus for Christmas)

I want a church apologist for Smithmas
Only a church apologist will do.
No atheist, no ex-mormon or jew
Cuz all they ever say is lousy stuff that isn’t true!

I want a church apologist for Smithmas,
That Van Hale guy or Daniel Peterson.
Don't want Mike Quinn or Simon Southerton.
Those "so called" intellecuals are always poking fun.

I want a church apologist for Smithmas
Only a church apologist will do!

I can see me now on Smithmas Morning,
what an exmormon surprise,
When I open up my eyes
to see a church apologist standing there!

I want a church apologist for Smithmas,
That Van Hale guy or Daniel Peterson.
Don't want Mike Quinn or Simon Southerton.
Those "so called" intellecuals are always poking fun.
The LDS Church Revises Procedures In Response To Celestial Hacking
Tuesday, Jan 3, 2006, at 08:01 AM
Original Author(s): Danite
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Previously, endowment ceremonies involved assigned a secret username and handshake protocols in order to log into the Celestial Kingdom after death. For several decades, this level of security was sufficient. However, with the advent of the internet, these secret user names and handshake protocols are now available to the general public resulting in several unauthorized entries into the Celestial Kingdom.

In response to this rise in reports of spiritual identity theft, LDS leadership responded by instituting more security safeguards into its sacred temple ceremonies. LDS members will now be required to select a Celestial Pin Number immediately upon receiving their secret username. Furthermore, the static signs, symbols and handshakes procedure is replaced by a more secure procedure where words and body positions will be determined on-the-fly by Celestial token randomization software.

LDS Members hail these new cutting-edge innovations in religious technology as a Godsend.

"It's not fair that I spend an entire lifetime abstaining from coffee and liquor just to have smoker Joe Shmoe down the street use the internet to fake his way into the Celestial Kingdom. These new security revelations are proof that the church is true," said Nephi Jorgenson of Provo, Ut.
Zion's Visiting Teaching Service
Wednesday, Jan 25, 2006, at 02:13 AM
Original Author(s): Anonymous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
  • Is Visiting teaching / Home teaching getting you down?
  • Can't get your Leader off your back?
  • Is Visiting Teaching interfering with your TV and manicure?
  • Is Home teaching cutting into your personal time?
We can help!

At Zion's Visiting Teaching Service we'll do your Visiting/Home Teaching for you. For a small monetary fee we will send one of our trained representatives to the homes of your families.
  • Basic Visit . . $10
  • Basic Visit plus Spiritual Message . . $15
  • Birthday and anniversary cards, in addition to the Basic Visit and Spiritual Message . . $20
Is $20 too much to pay for peace of mind?

Call us at 1-800-752-2537. That's 1-800-Slacker.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

Check Out Our New Services!

Meetings: We will send a representative to the appropriate meeting to take notes for you and report back.
  • Ward Council Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30
  • Ward Council Meeting w/ written report . . .$50
  • Presidency Meetings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • PEC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$25
  • Sacrament Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • Sunday School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$20
  • Priesthood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • 3-hour Sunday Block (best value) . . . . . . . . . $50
PLEASE NOTE: Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings

Call us at 1-800-752-2537. That's 1-800-Slacker.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

Talks and Lessons!

Did a bishopric member call and assign you a talk? Tired of wasting Saturday night preparing a lesson? Well, free up your time and just read one of our professionally prepared talks and lessons. No need to spend countless hours poring through books, writing and praying. We'll do it for you!
  • Basic Talk (any subject assigned) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $20
  • Scripture Talk (basic + 5 scriptures) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30
  • Deluxe Talk (scripture + 1 poem + 2 G.A. quotes) . . . . . . $40
All talks are guaranteed to last 15 minutes. Add $1 for each additional minute
  • Basic Lesson (40 minutes) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $25
  • Deluxe (Basic + visual aides) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$35
  • Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$45
* Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote.

* Due to lower expectations, Priesthood lessons receive a 10% discount.

Call us at 1-800-752-2537. That's 1-800-Slacker.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

Introducing our Bundle Buys and Frequent Shopper Plan!

Bundle any 3 services and receive a 20% discount. Receive one free Basic talk or lesson with any 10 purchases.

There you have it! We take all the work off of your shoulders and put ours to the wheel just for you.

Casserole Service!

If you just can't possibly throw together food for various Ward occasions,

WE CAN!

Our basic services include:
  1. Funeral Potatoes
  2. Green Bean/Mushroom Soup with Crunchy Onions
  3. Green Jell-O with Carrots
  4. Spinach Dip in a Bread Bowl
  5. CheezWiz/Tater Tot Surprise
For only $15 (plus deposit) each delivered to your house with Corningware marked with your name! They'll never know you didn't make 'em!
If You ... You Might Be A Mormon
Wednesday, Mar 15, 2006, at 07:51 AM
Original Author(s): Marvelous
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
If all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape...
You might be a Mormon.

If you postdate your checks while shopping on Sunday...
You might be a Mormon.

If you believe Heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh...
You might be a Mormon.

If your Mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception...
You might be a Mormon.

If you pray that your food might "nourish and strengthen your body" before eating doughnuts...
You might be a Mormon

If you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups...
You might be a Mormon

If at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house...
You might be a Mormon

If you've ever written a "Dear-John" to more than two missionaries on the same day....
You might be a Mormon

If you were frustrated when your son "only" got accepted to Harvard...
You might be a Mormon

If you have one kid in diapers and one on a mission...
You might be a Mormon

If you have never arrived at a meeting on time...
You might be a Mormon

If you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries...
You might be a Mormon

If you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"...
You might be a Mormon

If you think it is all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing...
You might be a Mormon

If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining...
You might be Mormon

If you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own burgers...
You might be Mormon

If you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi...
You might be a Mormon

If you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there...
You might be a Mormon
Commander In Chief Mitt Romney's Top Ten Priorities
Monday, Mar 27, 2006, at 07:53 AM
Original Author(s): Cricket
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 2   -Link To MC Article-
Commander in Chief Mitt Romney's Top Ten Priorities

10. Replace office of vice president with offices of First Counselor and Second Counselor

9. Reduce current size of Cabinet from fifteen to twelve to match the number of oxen supporting Mormon temple baptism fonts.

8. Call the Three Nephites to assume the Office of Homeland Security.

7. Disconnect the "Red Phone" from the link to Moscow to a link to Salt Lake City's Church Administration Building.

6. Order all military personnel to wear Mormon temple garments for protection from bullets, fire, knife wounds, weapons of mass destruction and sexually transmitted disease.

5. Suggest to Gordon Hinckley that he call Hillary Clinton as first non-Mormon General Relief Society President in order to get more Democrat votes for his second term.

4. Call Boyd K Packer to head up the Federal Bureau of Investigation into any and everything of a personal nature to young men.

3. Rename the Department of the Interior to the Department of the Inferior and call his wife Ann as the director.

2. Begin each cabinet meeting with gang-like handshakes, tokens, signs and penalties and conclude the meeting with the "True Circle Jerk Order of Prayer."

1. Make Re-formed Egytian the official language of The United Nations.

Can you add any more?
 
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Zion's Visiting Teaching Service
If You ... You Might Be A Mormon
Commander In Chief Mitt Romney's Top Ten Priorities
5,709 Articles In 365 Topics
TopicImage TOPIC INDEX (365 Topics)
TopicImage AUTHOR INDEX

  · ADAM GOD DOCTRINE (4)
  · APOLOGISTS (52)
  · ARTICLES OF FAITH (1)
  · BAPTISM FOR THE DEAD (31)
  · BAPTISM FOR THE DEAD - PEOPLE (16)
  · BLACKS AND MORMONISM (12)
  · BLACKS AND THE PRIESTHOOD (11)
  · BLOOD ATONEMENT (4)
  · BOB BENNETT (1)
  · BOB MCCUE - SECTION 1 (25)
  · BOB MCCUE - SECTION 2 (25)
  · BOB MCCUE - SECTION 3 (25)
  · BOB MCCUE - SECTION 4 (25)
  · BOB MCCUE - SECTION 5 (25)
  · BOB MCCUE - SECTION 6 (19)
  · BONNEVILLE COMMUNICATIONS (2)
  · BOOK OF ABRAHAM (50)
  · BOOK OF MORMON - SECTION 1 (25)
  · BOOK OF MORMON - SECTION 2 (25)
  · BOOK OF MORMON - SECTION 3 (16)
  · BOOK OF MORMON EVIDENCES (18)
  · BOOK OF MORMON GEOGRAPHY (23)
  · BOOK OF MORMON WITNESSES (5)
  · BOOK REVIEW - ROUGH STONE ROLLING (28)
  · BOOKS - AUTHORS AND DESCRIPTIONS (12)
  · BOOKS - COMMENTS AND REVIEWS - SECTION 1 (26)
  · BOOKS - COMMENTS AND REVIEWS - SECTION 2 (18)
  · BOY SCOUTS (22)
  · BOYD K. PACKER (33)
  · BRIAN C. HALES (1)
  · BRIGHAM YOUNG (24)
  · BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY - SECTION 1 (25)
  · BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY - SECTION 2 (29)
  · BRUCE C. HAFEN (4)
  · BRUCE D. PORTER (1)
  · BRUCE R. MCCONKIE (10)
  · CALLINGS (11)
  · CATHOLIC CHURCH (5)
  · CHANGING DOCTRINE (12)
  · CHILDREN AND MORMONISM - SECTION 1 (24)
  · CHILDREN AND MORMONISM - SECTION 2 (24)
  · CHRIS BUTTARS (1)
  · CHURCH LEADERSHIP (3)
  · CHURCH PROPAGANDA - SECTION 1 (5)
  · CHURCH PUBLISHED MAGAZINES (51)
  · CHURCH TEACHING MANUALS (10)
  · CHURCH VAULTS (4)
  · CITY CREEK CENTER (23)
  · CIVIL UNIONS (14)
  · CLEON SKOUSEN (3)
  · COGNITIVE DISSONANCE (2)
  · COMEDY - SECTION 1 (24)
  · COMEDY - SECTION 2 (21)
  · COMEDY - SECTION 3 (24)
  · COMEDY - SECTION 4 (22)
  · COMEDY - SECTION 5 (37)
  · CONCISE DICTIONARY OF MORMONISM (14)
  · D. MICHAEL QUINN (1)
  · D. TODD CHRISTOFFERSON (6)
  · DALLIN H. OAKS (100)
  · DANIEL C. PETERSON (89)
  · DANITES (4)
  · DAVID A. BEDNAR (23)
  · DAVID O. MCKAY (8)
  · DAVID R. STONE (1)
  · DAVID WHITMER (1)
  · DELBERT L. STAPLEY (1)
  · DESERET NEWS (3)
  · DIETER F. UCHTDORF (12)
  · DNA (23)
  · DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS (8)
  · DON JESSE (2)
  · ELAINE S. DALTON (5)
  · EMMA SMITH (5)
  · ENSIGN PEAK (1)
  · ERICH W. KOPISCHKE (1)
  · EX-MORMON FOUNDATION (33)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 1 (35)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 10 (24)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 11 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 12 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 13 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 14 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 15 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 16 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 17 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 18 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 19 (26)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 2 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 20 (24)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 21 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 22 (24)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 23 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 24 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 3 (24)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 4 (24)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 5 (23)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 6 (24)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 7 (25)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 8 (24)
  · EX-MORMON OPINION - SECTION 9 (26)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 1 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 10 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 11 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 12 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 13 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 14 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 15 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 16 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 17 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 18 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 19 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 2 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 20 (24)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 21 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 22 (24)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 23 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 24 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 25 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 26 (61)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 3 (21)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 4 (22)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 5 (24)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 6 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 7 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 8 (25)
  · EX-MORMONISM SECTION 9 (26)
  · EXCOMMUNICATION AND COURTS OF LOVE (19)
  · EZRA TAFT BENSON (30)
  · FACIAL HAIR (6)
  · FAIR / MADD - APOLOGETICS - SECTION 1 (25)
  · FAIR / MADD - APOLOGETICS - SECTION 2 (24)
  · FAIR / MADD - APOLOGETICS - SECTION 3 (21)
  · FAITH PROMOTING RUMORS (11)
  · FARMS (30)
  · FIRST VISION (23)
  · FOOD STORAGE (3)
  · FUNDAMENTALIST LDS (17)
  · GENERAL AUTHORITIES (29)
  · GENERAL CONFERENCE (14)
  · GENERAL NEWS (5)
  · GEORGE P. LEE (1)
  · GORDON B. HINCKLEY (68)
  · GRANT PALMER (8)
  · GREGORY L. SMITH (9)
  · GUNNISON MASSACRE (1)
  · H. DAVID BURTON (2)
  · HAROLD B. LEE (1)
  · HATE MAIL I RECEIVE (23)
  · HAUNS MILL (2)
  · HBO BIG LOVE (12)
  · HEBER C. KIMBALL (4)
  · HELEN RADKEY (17)
  · HELLEN MAR KIMBALL (5)
  · HENRY B. EYRING (5)
  · HOLIDAYS (13)
  · HOME AND VISITING TEACHING (9)
  · HOWARD W. HUNTER (1)
  · HUGH NIBLEY (13)
  · HYMNS (7)
  · INTERVIEWS IN MORMONISM (18)
  · J REUBEN CLARK (1)
  · JAMES E. FAUST (7)
  · JEFF LINDSAY (6)
  · JEFFREY MELDRUM (1)
  · JEFFREY R. HOLLAND (32)
  · JEFFREY S. NIELSEN (11)
  · JOHN GEE (3)
  · JOHN L. LUND (3)
  · JOHN L. SORENSON (4)
  · JOHN TAYLOR (1)
  · JOSEPH B. WIRTHLIN (1)
  · JOSEPH F. SMITH (1)
  · JOSEPH FIELDING SMITH (8)
  · JOSEPH SITATI (1)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - POLYGAMY - SECTION 1 (21)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - POLYGAMY - SECTION 2 (22)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - PROPHECY (8)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - SECTION 1 (25)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - SECTION 2 (23)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - SECTION 3 (22)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - SECTION 4 (31)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - SEER STONES (7)
  · JOSEPH SMITH - WORSHIP (13)
  · JUDAISM (3)
  · JULIE B. BECK (6)
  · KEITH B. MCMULLIN (1)
  · KERRY MUHLESTEIN (9)
  · KERRY SHIRTS (6)
  · KINDERHOOK PLATES (6)
  · KIRTLAND BANK (6)
  · KIRTLAND EGYPTIAN PAPERS (17)
  · L. TOM PERRY (5)
  · LAMANITE PLACEMENT PROGRAM (3)
  · LAMANITES (36)
  · LANCE B. WICKMAN (1)
  · LARRY ECHO HAWK (1)
  · LDS CHURCH - SECTION 1 (19)
  · LDS CHURCH OFFICE BUILDING (9)
  · LDS OFFICIAL ESSAYS (27)
  · LDS SOCIAL SERVICES (3)
  · LGBT - AND MORMONISM - SECTION 1 (42)
  · LORENZO SNOW (1)
  · LOUIS C. MIDGLEY (6)
  · LYNN A. MICKELSEN (2)
  · LYNN G. ROBBINS (1)
  · M. RUSSELL BALLARD (13)
  · MARK E. PETERSON (7)
  · MARK HOFFMAN (12)
  · MARLIN K. JENSEN (3)
  · MARRIOTT (2)
  · MARTIN HARRIS (5)
  · MASONS (16)
  · MELCHIZEDEK/AARONIC PRIESTHOOD (9)
  · MERRILL J. BATEMAN (3)
  · MICHAEL R. ASH (26)
  · MISSIONARIES - SECTION 1 (25)
  · MISSIONARIES - SECTION 2 (25)
  · MISSIONARIES - SECTION 3 (25)
  · MISSIONARIES - SECTION 4 (25)
  · MISSIONARIES - SECTION 5 (25)
  · MISSIONARIES - SECTION 6 (17)
  · MITT ROMNEY (71)
  · MORE GOOD FOUNDATION (4)
  · MORMON CELEBRITIES (14)
  · MORMON CHURCH HISTORY (8)
  · MORMON CHURCH PR (13)
  · MORMON CLASSES (1)
  · MORMON DOCTRINE (35)
  · MORMON FUNERALS (12)
  · MORMON GARMENTS (20)
  · MORMON HANDCARTS (12)
  · MORMON INTERPRETER (4)
  · MORMON MARRIAGE EXCLUSIONS (1)
  · MORMON MEMBERSHIP (38)
  · MORMON MONEY - SECTION 1 (25)
  · MORMON MONEY - SECTION 2 (25)
  · MORMON MONEY - SECTION 3 (23)
  · MORMON NEWSROOM (5)
  · MORMON POLITICAL ISSUES (5)
  · MORMON RACISM (18)
  · MORMON TEMPLE CEREMONIES (38)
  · MORMON TEMPLE CHANGES (15)
  · MORMON TEMPLES - SECTION 1 (25)
  · MORMON TEMPLES - SECTION 2 (25)
  · MORMON TEMPLES - SECTION 3 (24)
  · MORMON TEMPLES - SECTION 4 (42)
  · MORMON VISITOR CENTERS (10)
  · MORMON WARDS AND STAKE CENTERS (1)
  · MORMONTHINK (13)
  · MOUNTAIN MEADOWS MASSACRE (21)
  · MURPHY TRANSCRIPT (1)
  · NATALIE R. COLLINS (11)
  · NAUVOO (3)
  · NAUVOO EXPOSITOR (2)
  · NEAL A. MAXWELL - SECTION 1 (1)
  · NEAL A. MAXWELL INSTITUTE (1)
  · NEIL L. ANDERSEN - SECTION 1 (3)
  · NEW ORDER MORMON (8)
  · OBEDIENCE - PAY, PRAY, OBEY (15)
  · OBJECT LESSONS (15)
  · OLIVER COWDREY (6)
  · ORRIN HATCH (10)
  · PARLEY P. PRATT (11)
  · PATRIARCHAL BLESSING (5)
  · PAUL H. DUNN (5)
  · PBS DOCUMENTARY THE MORMONS (20)
  · PERSECUTION (9)
  · PIONEER DAY (3)
  · PLAN OF SALVATION (5)
  · POLYGAMY - SECTION 1 (22)
  · POLYGAMY - SECTION 2 (23)
  · POLYGAMY - SECTION 3 (15)
  · PRIESTHOOD BLESSINGS (1)
  · PRIESTHOOD EXECUTIVE MEETING (0)
  · PRIMARY (1)
  · PROCLAMATIONS (1)
  · PROPOSITION 8 (21)
  · PROPOSITION 8 COMMENTS (11)
  · QUENTIN L. COOK (11)
  · RELIEF SOCIETY (14)
  · RESIGNATION PROCESS (28)
  · RICHARD E. TURLEY, JR. (6)
  · RICHARD G. HINCKLEY (2)
  · RICHARD G. SCOTT (7)
  · RICHARD LYMAN BUSHMAN (11)
  · ROBERT D. HALES (5)
  · ROBERT L. MILLET (7)
  · RODNEY L. MELDRUM (15)
  · ROYAL SKOUSEN (2)
  · RUNTU'S RINCON (78)
  · RUSSELL M. NELSON (14)
  · SACRAMENT MEETING (11)
  · SALT LAKE TRIBUNE (1)
  · SCOTT D. WHITING (1)
  · SCOTT GORDON (5)
  · SEMINARY (5)
  · SERVICE AND CHARITY (24)
  · SHERI L. DEW (3)
  · SHIELDS RESEARCH - MORMON APOLOGETICS (4)
  · SIDNEY RIGDON (7)
  · SIMON SOUTHERTON (34)
  · SPAULDING MANUSCRIPT (8)
  · SPENCER W. KIMBALL (12)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 1 (18)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 10 (17)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 11 (15)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 12 (19)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 13 (21)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 14 (17)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 15 (12)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 2 (21)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 3 (18)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 4 (25)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 5 (22)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 6 (19)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 7 (15)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 8 (13)
  · STEVE BENSON - SECTION 9 (19)
  · STORIES - SECTION 1 (1)
  · SUNSTONE FOUNDATION (2)
  · SURVEILLANCE (SCMC) (12)
  · TAD R. CALLISTER (3)
  · TAL BACHMAN - SECTION 1 (25)
  · TAL BACHMAN - SECTION 2 (25)
  · TAL BACHMAN - SECTION 3 (25)
  · TAL BACHMAN - SECTION 4 (25)
  · TAL BACHMAN - SECTION 5 (25)
  · TAL BACHMAN - SECTION 6 (25)
  · TAL BACHMAN - SECTION 7 (9)
  · TALKS - SECTION 1 (1)
  · TEMPLE WEDDINGS (6)
  · TEMPLES - NAMES (1)
  · TERRYL GIVENS (1)
  · THE PEARL OF GREAT PRICE (1)
  · THE SINGLE WARDS (5)
  · THE WORLD TABLE (3)
  · THOMAS PHILLIPS (18)
  · THOMAS S. MONSON (33)
  · TIME (4)
  · TITHING - SECTION 1 (25)
  · TITHING - SECTION 2 (25)
  · TITHING - SECTION 3 (13)
  · UGO PEREGO (5)
  · UK COURTS (7)
  · UNNANOUNCED, UNINVITED AND UNWELCOME (36)
  · UTAH LIGHTHOUSE MINISTRY (3)
  · VALERIE HUDSON (3)
  · VAN HALE (16)
  · VAUGHN J. FEATHERSTONE (1)
  · VIDEOS (30)
  · WARD CLEANING (4)
  · WARREN SNOW (1)
  · WELFARE - SECTION 1 (0)
  · WENDY L. WATSON (7)
  · WHITE AND DELIGHTSOME (11)
  · WILFORD WOODRUFF (6)
  · WILLIAM HAMBLIN (11)
  · WILLIAM LAW (1)
  · WILLIAM SCHRYVER (5)
  · WILLIAM WINES PHELPS (3)
  · WOMEN AND MORMONISM - SECTION 1 (24)
  · WOMEN AND MORMONISM - SECTION 2 (25)
  · WOMEN AND MORMONISM - SECTION 3 (37)
  · WORD OF WISDOM (7)
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