THE MORMON CURTAIN
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COMEDY - SECTION 3
Great selection of Ex-Mormon comedy.
| Concerned about increasing numbers of members leaving the church, an organization (unaffiliated with the LDS church) has been founded to help prevent the increasing numbers of members leaving the church.
The Foundation for Reducing Apostasy In Deseret (FRAID), located on the BYU campus, will spend most of its time researching the Internet habits of church members. A database will be kept of members who access forbidden sites, such as exmormon.org and mensa.org, and distributed to local bishops.
Bishops will be instructed in a 3-pronged frontal attack on apostasy:
1. Bear your testimony, and ask the member to bear his or her testimony. Remember, a testimony is gained (or in this case, retained) in the bearing of it.
2. Encourage members to immerse themselves in the scriptures. Make sure that their focus is on the revealed word, not on so-called "facts."
3. Let them know their family is depending on them to be a righteous "Savior in Zion." Ask them if they really want to break up their eternal family and have that on their shoulders.
FRAID will continue to monitor Internet activity for 30 days following the member's meeting with the bishop. Alma P. Hixson, Professor of Food Sciences explained what would happen next: "If there are any signs of 'straying,' such as going outside the approved manual for lesson material, FRAID will take appropriate action, depending on the severity of the offense."
1. For minor offenses, such as reading an online Bible commentary, FRAID may place filters on members' computers to prevent accessing such apostate material.
2. For more serious offenses, such as accessing "liberal" Mormon sites, such as Sunstone and Dialogue, FRAID will enter the household and spend some quality time with the offending member watching seminary videos until the member agrees to follow the prophet's counsel.
3. For the worst offenses, such as accessing anti-Mormon sites such as Utah Lighthouse Ministries and the NAACP, members may be brought to the FRAID headquarters at the Spencer Kimball tower on the BYU campus, where they will be given the latest in "reparative therapy" in overcoming this pernicious habit.
Successful trials have been made in Orem, Utah, and Littleton, Colorado, and have been judged successful.
"I don't know what I was thinking," said a dazed looking Bob Smithers, of Orem. "All that bitter and hateful stuff, and I thought I was actually learning. Now I have scars on my genitals to remind me of the strait and narrow path."
"Thanks to FRAID, I learned the dangers of reading Strong's Bible Concordance," said a smiling Sharon Lawrence of Littleton. "I learned so much more from those seminary videos than anything in that wicked book. Help me! Please! They're--"
"Ms. Lawrence needs to rest," said Don Carter of BYU campus security.
| Now that dirty talk is no longer allowed during intimacy, a person on RFM speculated on what Mormon pillow talk will now be like. In a thread titled "Coming to a TBM bedroom near you (adult)," Huckleberry Hinckley posted the following dialogue:
Woman: I feel prompted that I need to partake of your priesthood tonight.
Man: That's very convenient. I am glad to help you share my endowment.
Woman: It is not meet that God should command in all things.
Man: You look as beautiful as the temple at sunrise on a snowy day in your sacred garments, my love.
I feel we should pray. Heavenly Father, we thank thee for the celestial marital intimacy we are about to receive. We ask that the life force within me will be nourished and strengthened as it makes its way through my wife's body so that it may grow brighter and brighter until the perfect day. In the name of Joseph Christ, Amen.
Woman: Amen. Oh, come lie high on my mountaintops!
Man: Let me enter into your covenant!
Woman: I really feel your spirit. Praise to the manhood!
Man: I'm going to rock you like a pioneer wagon.
Woman: Oh God, hear the screams of my mouth! Oh! Oh! You feel as strong as my mother's testimony!
Man: Come, come ye saints!
Woman: No toil or labor fear! Oh!
Thank you for that blessing. I really felt the spirit.
Man: Honey, would you like to give the closing prayer?
Woman: Heavenly Father, I thank thee for the moisture which I have received. And I would like to apologize for accidentally imagining my husband and I not wearing our sacred garments. I apologize for driving away the Spirit as he was videotaping us together. I was glad he came back later. Once again, I thank thee for being a part of our lives and all the blessings we enjoy. In the name of Joseph Christ, Amen.
| Daniel Midgley-Welch, Food Sciences professor and FARMS contributor, announced today the opening of Kishkumen Kreme doughnuts, which will serve the (literally) larger BYU community in an effort to augment FARMS funding.
"We were in luck," said Midgley-Welch, beaming. "Several FARMS contributors and officers have some expertise in doughnut consumption, so we feel like we have a good product."
According to a FARMS pamphlet, Kishkumen Kreme is an attempt to get back to a more authentic version of the doughnut. "We recently found the original manuscript of the Book of Japheth," said Midgley-Welch. "Joseph Smith had found an ancient doughnut wrapper amid the papyrus fragments of the Book of Abraham. We are so grateful to have his inspired translation."
"Many plain and precious parts of the recipe were lost, and fortunately, the prophet Joseph restored some of these truths in what is now known as the Inspired Version of the Recipe," said Russell P. Lindsay of FARMS. "The emergence of such heretical versions as Krispy Kreme, though motivated by real desire to stay true to the recipe, is proof of the long-prophesied Yeast Apostasy. And don't get me started on Dunkin. Scary."
According to Lindsay, ancient doughnut makers did not have access to sugar, so they used honey. "Joseph called his doughnuts 'Krull-goo-on-Enish-Deseret,' which he translated as fried dough-thingy with honey on it. His explicit use of honey is inexplicable except through the power of revelation."
"Something most members don't know is that the 'knife' in facsimile 1 in the Book of Abraham is really a maple bar," said Corey Pants, amateur Egyptologist. "Hugh Nibley showed parallels between the maple bar and the coronation pageants of ancient Egypt, again proving that Joseph got it right."
To claims that Kishkumen Kreme is merely a bad imitation of Krispy Kreme, Professor DonLoy Peterson sneered, "Who told you that, Tal Tales Bachman? Anything he said, I categorically deny. Yes, there's a vague resemblance, but our doughnuts are the only true and living doughnuts with which God is pleased. It all goes to show that all doughnut-makers have part of the true recipe, but only ours have all of the truth."
One of the first customers, Garth Pendrake of Manti, spat out his first bite. "Dude, that's terrible!"
Peterson smiled and replied, "It's not the doughnut that's bad, it's your attitude. I suggest you eat six a day until you learn to love them. It may take a lifetime, but it will be well worth the effort."
| In a major development, the LDS church today announced that it has replaced the standard works of the church (currently the Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price) with a wiki, heretofore to be known as "The Standard Wiki."
"This is a great day for us," said Dallin Oaks of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles. "The technology has finally caught up with our direct line to God. For the first time in our history, we'll have real-time revelation. No more will we have to wait years for a vaguely worded 'official declaration' to be canonized. Now it will just take a little typing and a couple of mouse clicks."
Oaks explained that all members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, in their roles as prophets, seers, and revelators, will have access to the wiki. "It's self-correcting. That's the beauty of it. Suppose that pit bull Packer puts in something bizarre about little factories. Rest assured that at least Nelson and I will be all over it and strike it out immediately."
The wiki is a great way to modernize the church and reject once and for all the outdated personal opinions of past prophets, including Book of Mormon prophets. Oaks explained: "Blood atonement? Gone. Polygamy? Never happened. Book of Abraham? Never heard of it. Anachronisms in the Book of Mormon? Sorry, we don't use that book anymore. We don't use books at all, as a matter of fact."
Church computer specialist Andrew Tanner explained that each member of the leadership will be issued a login ID, and additions and changes will be marked with that person's initials. Tanner demonstrated how the wiki works by typing in the text "The church has no position on skin color and God's curses." The system then displayed the text "Are you really sure this is God's will? Yes, No, Cancel." After Tanner clicked Yes, the system again prompted "Have you prayed about this? Yes, No, Cancel."
Almost immediately, the text began changing to read "God curses whom He will, and the Lamanites and descendants of Cain were stricken with a dark skin as a mark of their loathsomeness--RGS."
"See? It's working already," beamed Tanner.
Oaks admitted that there had initially been some resistance among quorum members to the idea. President Packer had expressed concern that the technology might encourage "doctrinal drift."
"I assured him that as long as the still, small voice guided us, we'd be fine," said Oaks. "Plus, I told him that if he ever ran across undesirable elements in the church, he could simply change church doctrine and then phone their stake presidents and have them excommunicated. After that, he was on board."
Reaction from church members was universally positive. "I can't peel myself away from the computer," said an excited Jill Erickson of Tooele. "I've never watched revelation happen, and I'm afraid if I get up to go to the bathroom, I might miss it."
"This is way cool," said Jared Johnson of New Canaan, CT. "Now I don't have to worry about which doctrines I have to believe, and which I can ignore. They'll do it for me."
Noted apologist Julie Ann Claremont enthused, "This shows that the church is recognizing its own postmodern nature. I've been saying for years that there is no such thing as objective truth, and now even the Brethren agree. It's going to be exciting to watch this play out."
Initially, the church has decided to restrict the wiki to ten printed pages, though at this point, there is no danger of exceeding that limit. So far, the wiki contains only one line from Gordon B. Hinckley: "I don't know that we teach it."
| In a press conference this morning, leaders of the LDS church announced plans to build a special, 21,000-seat auditorium specifically to house the annual First Presidency Christmas Devotional.
"In design, this new building will be much like the conference center, though its purpose will be very different," said Church architect Eldred Pratt.
President Gordon B. Hinckley had long lamented the lack of an appropriate place for the Saints to gather to hear the message of Christmas: "In years past, we settled for adding Christmas decorations--trees, lights, and poinsettias--to the tabernacle and later the Conference Center. But I think the Lord is saddened when we don't show the proper focus on his birth."
After much prayer, President Hinckley said, the "still, small voice of the spirit" whispered that the church should build the new center, which will cost more than $75 million to construct. "No amount of money is too great for our Lord and Savior," he said.
Architects unveiled a model that seemed at first glance identical to the Conference Center. "Notice, however, the subtle Christmas tree motifs throughout the building, the poinsettia gardens on the roof, and the mural of the Nativity on the north wall. We could never have accomplished this with our existing facilities."
"This will be a lasting legacy of faith," said President Hinckley, his voice choked with emotion. "I've saved the last five Christmas trees from my apartment to construct a podium of Douglas fir. Thus, a small piece of me will live on in tribute to the Savior."
The Christmas Devotional Center will be used only the first Sunday of December each year to preserve its unique purpose.
Asked if he felt that the money could be better spent, Hinckley said, "No, I don't think we have any more malls or hotels planned."
| AP - Provo |
In an unprecedented admission of error, marginalized anthroplogist and Mormon apologist John Sorenson today acknowledged that his identification of Book of Mormon horses as tapirs was incorrect.
"I made a mistake. Fortunately, everyone makes them. I would like to add that this in no way suggests I have made a mistake about the Book of Mormon being historical".
Sorenson's new essay, "At Last, I Have Made The Shoe Fit", takes into consideration recent Book of Mormon textual analysis by BYU researcher Royal Skousen, and developments in post-modernism-inspired exegetical theory, and argues that the BOM term "horses" should never have been thought to refer specifically to any particular animal, let alone members of the equus or perissodactyls family.
Sorenson summarizes his argument this way: "All horses are animals; and all animals are also animals; therefore, all animals are, or can be considered, horses". Sorenson adds, "At one stroke, all the anti-Mormon fuss over this relatively minor issue has now been neutralized, and the Book of Mormon's claims are now safer than ever. I look forward now to getting on with more important Book of Mormon research".
However, even fellow Mormon anthropologists were quick to point out that Sorenson's argument is flawed. "To be honest, John's argument is an example of a very basic fallacy", noted Mormon anthroplogist Deanne Matheny. "I feel embarrassed that he should say such a thing. Unfortunately, the fact remains that there is no basis, within the world of physical reality, for the claim that the Book of Mormon was compiled 1600 years ago, and every reason to believe it was authored in early 1800's America".
At a brief press conference held on the campus at BYU, Sorenson was asked whether because Meg Ryan was an actor, and all actors were actors, if that meant that every actor in the world was Meg Ryan. "I can't answer that question, because I don't know who Meg Ryan is", smiled an unfazed Sorenson.
In a related story, the Brigham Young University Department of Philosophy today announced it would be publishing a jointly authored book entitled, "When Fallacies Are Okay: A Primer On Defending Mormonism". The book is intended to serve as a handbook for those accepting job offers from the church's educational system, and an aid to those working at FARMS.
| 1) Ask if they've got anything in blue as white isn't really your color.
2) Ask to be sat in the smoking section for the movie.
3) Pass around popcorn.
4) When Lucifer appears, start a mexican wave. [Is a mexican wave the same as those at like football games?]
5) Ask if anyone has the remote for the TV as you want to see if Larry King is on.
6) Nudge the person next to you and say, "Hey, that Satan is one sexy dude."
7) When everyone stands up, take away one of the seats. [This is probably my favorite one.]
8) Ask for a pint of Pay Lay Ale.
9) Do the hand jive.
10) Blow your nose on your apron. Then examine it closely.
11) Play frizbee with your hat.
12) Do the "5 points of fellowship" tango.
| Always eager to find new ways to irritate everyone, I thought I'd post my latest revelation.
"How To Make Love To Your TBM Spouse: A Sex Guide from A Former Cult Zombie"
Advice for wives with TBM husbands:
1.) Rather than a store-bought lubricant, use your own home-made green jello with banana slices.
2.) Forget Victoria's Secret; nothing will turn him on like your old temple outfit. For something extra risque, don the shield and ask him to "wash and anoint you".
3.) To enhance arousal during foreplay, refer to your husband only by his priesthood title. "That's wonderful, bishop..." or "Let me try something, president" works great.
4.) Rather than the lewd language Elder Nelson warned a about, whisper passages from Section 132 into his hear.
5.) Ask for a priesthood blessing prior to beginning, so you can be inspired to serve him "the way a priesthood leader should be served in bed".
Advice for husbands with TBM wives:
1.) Place large portrait of Joseph Smith on wall where your wife can see it throughout your lovemaking session. Say things like, "I'm so happy when it's just us alone - you, me.....and Joseph Smith". This will send her into paroxysms of cult joy.
2.) Instead of putting Al Green, Michael Buble, or Rachmaninoff on the stereo, put on the Book of Mormon audio tapes, and say, "there is no substitute for the spirit". Cult girls love this.
3.) Put scented candles all around the room, but don't light them. When she asks why they're not lit, say, "because the church won't allow candles to be lit in church buildings, and I want our home to be every bit as special as a church building". Feel her melt in your arms.
4.) Explain that you don't want to french kiss, because it "arouses unnatural passions", and also because France left God's favourite country, the US of A, out to dry during a war inspired by Jesus himself. To french kiss would therefore be to commit an act of treason, and "we believe in honoring and sustaining the law".
5.) At the moment of climax, command her to join you in an impassioned rendition of "If You Could Hie to Kolob"
| Here is a compilation of the shortest Mormon books ever published:
- Contemporary Evidence for the First Vision
- The Joy of Sex, by Boyd K. Packer
- Accepting Your Gay Child, by Spencer W. Kimball
- Fundamentals of Science, by Joseph Fielding Smith
- Promoting Racial Harmony, by Brigham Young
- True Stories from the Life of Paul Dunn
- The Questioning Mind, by Thomas Monson
- What I Don't Know, by Bruce R. McConkie
- Hot Monogamy, by Joseph Smith
- Straight Answers from President Hinckley
- Dabbling in the Flesh Trade or How I Pimped My Daughter by Heber C. Kimball
- The Passion Party Planner - By Sheri Dew
- The Wit and Wisdom of Karl Marx - by Ezra Taft Benson
- The Miracle Diet by Thomas Monson
- How about DNA Proof of the Book of Mormon by Daniel Peterson
- Short Sensible Sermons, Second Scroll by Neal A. Maxwell
- How 'bout "The Osmonds' Contributions to Pop Music"?
- An Ancient American Setting for Krispy Kreme Donuts: Glazed or Sprinkled? by Daniel C. Peterson, with a forward by Thomas S. Monson
- "Where your tithing money goes" by Bishop Burton
- Men who know my history - by Joseph Smith
- The Sensitive Man's Guide to Romance - by Brigham Young
- "Catholic Truths" - by Bruce R. McConkie.
- "Logic" - by Martin Harris
- Fair Play at LDS Pinewood Derbys by Bishop Wilford Harke
- "Apologetics Without Condescension", by DCP and Juliann
- Brokeback Mountain - The Sequel Boyd "Bottomguy" Packer
- 'Family Value's, In-Room Movie Guide' by J.W. Marriott,
- Where I'd Be if My Name Were Schwartz" by Joseph Fielding McConkie
- "How the truest church is like a stone rolling over the earth" by Vaughn J. Featherstone
- "All the Latter-day Saint Truth at Wikipedia"
- Stand For Something by Gordon B. Hinckley.
- "The doctrine behind polygamy" by ANY GA
- "Traditional Folk Music for Sacrament Meeting" by Janice Kapp Perry
- "The Power of Discernment" by Mark Hofmann
- Shoot off Your Mouth, Mick Jagger's Conversion Story by Elder Gene R. Cook
- "Women's Rights" by Heber C. Kimball
- 'How to Increase Factory Production' by Boyd K. Packer
- Swords, Breastplates, and Helmets: Pictures of Actual Weapons of War Hill from Cumorah Ancient History Museum
- "The Virtue of the Unpaid Ministry; or Why Clergy Should Avoid the Evils of Commerce and Finance" by Joseph F. Smith
- "Global Economics" by James E. Faust
- 'Extra Innings, True Baseball Stories" by Paul H. Dunn
- 'My Glory Days, True Stories of WWII', by Paul H. Dunn
- "Yes, We Teach That" by Gordon B. Hinckley
- coffee table book--pictures of vault items
- "The Single Travelers' Motel Guide" published by the Westland, MI Stake Press
- First Vision Truth (version 6,714)
- "Using Your Family Buisiness to Spread the Gospel by Example" by the Marriot Family
- "Keeping the Sabaath Day Holy" by Steve Young
- Forgiven at Last: How I Found Bigfoot by Spencer W. Kimball
- "I Heart Hoffmann" by Kimball and Hinckley
- "Tapir riding and other ancient American activities" By Daniel C. Peterson
- "Encouraging Free Speech on College Campuses" by Ernest L. Wilkinson
- "Art Appreciation: Rodin Sculpture" by Merrill J. Bateman
- "Mormon Intermarriage", by Mark E. Petersen
- "Let Every Negro Drive a Cadillac if They Could Afford it" by Mark E. Petersen
- Ferrous Metal Content of Ancient Central American Swords
- Darkies are Wonderful People - By Joseph Fielding Smith
- How to Comfort a Rape Victim - by Spencer W. Kimball
- All the Mormon Temple Secrets you the Uber-Mormon can reveal to your non-Mormon Friends" By Elder Bednar
- What the Missionaries Told me about the Curse of Cain - by Glady Knight
- "How to Drive Your Husband WILD!!!" - by Sister Bednar
| Revelation is still involved. An insider source told me that mission calls are generated by a bank of old 386 PCs running DOS. They use these machines because they still work with the Faith-o-Matic(TM) Revelation Receiver cards, which were designed in the late 80s and still use the ancient ISA bus.
A new version of the Faith-o-Matic(TM), designed with USB 2.0, is in the final stages of debugging and will be deployed soon. It will allow church software that requires input from God to run on modern computer platforms and interface with common software, such as spreadsheets.
The use of USB will enable Faith-o-Matic(TM) empowered laptops, which would permit general authorities to make large batches of important decisions in the field. Such instant, on-the-spot decisions could bring back practices from the early church, like instant mission calls during a stake conference talk, or new ones such as pairing off troublesome singles into eternal couples.
| 10. "Gordon, just look at all those suckers." "No kidding, Tom."
9. "Put that gun away, Packer! There's nothing you can do about the gay pride float."
8. "Looks like they got Gollum to be the Grand Marshal. Oh, never mind, that's President Hinckley."
7. "Uh-oh. Looks like Gayle Ruzicka is drunk again."
6. "No, that's not dykes on bikes. It's the General Primary Presidency."
5. "Daddy, why did the Pioneers stop here?" "Because there was no vacancy in hell."
4. "I love the smell of self-righteousness in the morning."
3. "Hey, some guy over there says he's Jesus and is here for his second coming." "Yeah, right. I didn't see anything about it in the Church News."
2. "Run for your lives! Joseph Smith has risen from the grave, and he's asking for some teenage girls."
1. "Tom, do you know what I hear when I see these crowds?" "No, what, Gordon?" "Ka-ching!"
| A speech given by Apostate Hunerd Proof at the RfM Young Womens Conference on February 3, 1999
My dear special sweet young spirits, I wish to address a topic that is very sacred and dear to the Lord.
The Lord has blessed us with special bodies. Our bodies are like a house. We have many different rooms for many different purposes. Dear girls, the Lord has instructed us on the proper use and purpose for all our rooms.
This morning, I would like to talk about your garage.
As you mature, you will find new vines growing around your garage. You may discover an urge to raise the garage door and explore the opening. Satan will tempt you to fiddle with the automatic opener button, causing the door to rise and fall again and again. Resist Satan's temptations, for he simply likes to watch.
My dear sweet special things, the Lord has asked you to keep your garage closed until you have chosen a car for time and all eternity. Keep your garage empty until you've found that one special car to join you in the Celestial parking lot. Resist the urge to put your own bicycle in your garage. Do not allow foreign tools into your garage. Keep the door locked, for that is what our Heavenly Housebuilder has requested.
And if you find the temptation is too much, I have a suggestion for you. Turn your thoughts to construction sites, to messy bulldozers and cranes. Think of the noise and the mud and exhaust fumes. Imagine all the dirty grease these monsters drip. Are these the things you want in your garage?
You may find young men eager to park their cars in your garage. Young men like to brag about their cars. They like to show you their cars and let you feel the finish. They may even ask that you help them wax their cars, and then they'll insist that the wax job be followed by overnight parking in your garage. Dear ladies, do not be deceived by the shine. Encourage young men to park on the street, to wax in their own driveway if they must, for your garage is to remain unsoiled. Young men need to drain their crankcase once in a while. Do not allow them to drain in your garage, for they will leave a mess behind for you to clean.
Occasionally, young men drive cars that are loud and have strong engines. These cars are sports cars and are most dangerous. You should never let one into your driveway, for the Lord has asked that you marry a family sedan or a minivan. If you see a sports car in your neighborhood, you should schedule a visit with your Bishop. Your Bishop knows your neighborhood well and can instruct all young men on proper parking and driving.
When you find the one automobile that is right for you, and you both have been sealed in the showroom, allow him to park. He may need assistance parking his sedan the first few times, for if he has followed the maintenance schedule, he will be due for an overhaul. Keep your garage attractive and free of other cars. Trim the vines, and scrub the door.
Yours is only a one car garage, and he is your eternal car.
| Once upon a time, there were three little apologists nd their names were Pinky, Pokey and El Lardo. The three little apologists lived in a tiny hovel in the shadow of Y mountain, and they made their living by thinking up new excuses. |
"North could really mean west", said Pinky.
"The word sword may refer to a club", said Pokey.
"I think people used to ride tapirs", said El Lardo. "I would love to ride a tapir some day!"
Every day the three apologists would come up with excuses which they would share with the local villagers.
"It's not a lie if you try really hard to believe it", said Pinky.
"True knowledge comes from what you feel inside. Evidence isn't important", said Pokey.
"My work *is* peer-reviewed", said El Lardo. "Pinky and Pokey are my only peers and they review everything."
The local villagers loved the excuses that the three little apologists made up, and would buy their books and proudly display them on bookshelves. The villagers usually didn't read the books, because it was only important that they knew that the excuses were there. Whenever an outsider would come into the village telling strange tales, the villagers would all cry with one voice, "You're lying! Our three little apologists have proved that you are wrong. You can read it in one of those books on that shelf."
One day, a honcho from Capital City, to the north, came to visit the three little apologists. "You must do something about our greatest enemy: the world calls him 'Reality', but we know him by his true name of 'Antimormonet'. Many of our people have been beguiled by his words and are leaving their villages. You must stop him!"
"We can stop Antimormonet!", said Pinky.
"No one can beat our excuses!", said Pokey.
"We are the world's best apologists", said El Lardo. "We will squash Antimormonet flat as a pancake!"
As the three little apologists sat around a table in their hovel, thinking up great excuses, Pinky had an idea.
"Wait here. I've got an idea!", said Pinky, and he rushed off to the workshop. Pokey and El Lardo began to hear strange noises coming from there.
They heard rustling noises. [rustle, rustle, rustle]
They heard scratching noises. [scratchy, scratchy, scratch]
And they heard banging noises. [bangity, bangity, bang]
Just as Pokey and El Lardo were starting to get worried, Pinky opened the doors of the workshop and called out to the entire village, "Behold, here is Antimormonet. I will destroy him." All the villagers gathered around and admired the giant figure made of straw which they saw before them.
"Get him!", shouted the villagers.
"Destroy Antimormonet!", cried Pokey.
"Beat the stuffing out of him!", yelled El Lardo. "Let's see that straw fly!"
So Pinky grabbed a rod of iron and beat the straw figure with it, all the while calling out excuses:
"He was only speaking as a man!", cried Pinky as he lopped off the figure's arms.
"There could be two hills with the same name!", yelled Pinky as he stabbed the figure in the gut.
"Nobody understands Egyptian anyway!", Pinky shouted. And with a final blow, the figure was smashed and the straw blew away with the wind.
"Hurray!", cried the villagers. "We are saved from the evil Antimormonet!" Pokey and El Lardo congratulated Pinky on a job well done, and the three little apologists retired smugly to their hovel.
The next day the honcho came back with bad news. "Antimormonet is back and still poisoning the minds of our villagers with his evil Reality. Do something!"
Pokey said, "I'll take care of this", and he ran off to the workshop. Pinky and El Lardo began to hear strange noises coming from there.
They heard clattering noise. [clatter, clatter, clatter]
They heard scraping noises. [scrapy, scrapy, scrape]
And they heard cracking noises. [crackity, crackity, crack]
Just as Pinky and El Lardo were starting to get worried, Pokey opened the doors of the workshop and called out to the entire village, "Behold, here is Antimormonet. I will destroy him." All the villagers gathered around and admired the giant figure made of sticks which they saw before them.
"Get him!", shouted the villagers.
"Crush Antimormonet!", cried Pinky.
"Break his back!", yelled El Lardo. "Let's see those sticks splinter!"
So Pokey grabbed the rod of iron and beat the stick figure with it, all the while calling out excuses:
"This stella has a representation of the Tree of Life!", cried Pokey as you crushed the figure's feet.
"Everything took place in a limited geography!", yelled Pokey as he split the figure's head in two.
"Look at all the chiasmus!", Pokey shouted. And with a final blow, the figure was smashed and the splinters and pieces of stick were scattered by the wind.
"Hurray!", cried the villagers. "We are saved again from the evil Antimormonet!" Pinky and El Lardo congratulated Pokey on a job well done, and the three little apologists retired smugly to their hovel.
The next day the honcho came back with even more bad news. "Antimormonet is back again. You must stop him from spreading the horrors of Reality!"
El Lardo stepped forward and said, "I'll take care of this, once and for all", and he ran off to the workshop. Pinky and Pokey began to hear strange noises coming from there.
They heard spattering noise. [spatter, spatter, spatter]
They heard slippery noises. [slippy, slippy, slip]
And they heard squishy noises. [squishy, squishy, squish]
Just as Pinky and Pokey were starting to get worried, El Lardo opened the doors of the workshop and called out to the entire village, "Behold, here is Antimormonet. I will destroy him, now and forever." All the villagers gathered around and admired the giant figure made of manure which they saw before them.
"Oh, he stinks!", shouted the villagers.
"Kill Antimormonet!", cried Pinky.
"Splatter him to the four winds!", yelled Pokey.
So El Lardo grabbed the rod of iron and beat the manure figure with it, all the while calling out excuses:
"We found an inscription that says Nahom!", cried El Lardo as he battered the figure's torso. "That couldn't have been known in the 19th century!"
"Standardized weights of precious metal used for commercial exchange aren't necessarily coins!", yelled El Lardo as he bludgeoned the figure's back. "And anyway, there might be coins that we just haven't found yet."
"You can't prove that it *didn't* happen!", El Lardo shouted. "So there!" And he took a mighty swing and the figure of manure collapsed into a heap.
"Hurray!", cried the villagers. Then they started sniffing. "But wait", they said. "It still stinks."
"I'm not finished yet", said El Lardo. "Everyone plug your nose."
And the villagers all did as he commanded. "Hurray!", they cried. "We can't smell him any more. But we can still see the pile of manure."
"I'm not finished yet", said El Lardo. "Everyone shut your eyes."
And the villagers did as he commanded. "Hurray!", they cried. "We can't see him any more. But it's possible that we could still hear his horrible lies."
"I'm not finished yet", said El Lardo. "Everyone shout 'La! La! La!' at the top of your lungs."
And the villagers all did as he commanded. "La! La! La! Hurray!", they cried. "We can't hear him any more. La! La! La! We will never again be bothered by Reality. La! La! La!"
Pinky and Pokey congratulated El Lardo on a job well done, and as the three little apologists retired toward their hovel, they were met by the honcho from Capital City.
"We are forever grateful to you, El Lardo, for destroying Antimormonet, for freeing us from the tyranny of Reality. As a reward, we will grant you your fondest wish." And the honcho opened a crate, and out came the most beautiful tapir that El Lardo had ever seen.
"I get to ride a tapir!", exclaimed El Lardo. "I finally get my fondest wish!"
And as the sun slowly set, turning Y mountain beautiful colors, the air was filled with the babble of a thousand villagers shouting, "La! La! La!", puctuated by the agonized shrieks of a crushed tapir.
| Salt Lake City (UPI)--In a bid to offset falling tithing receipts, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has decided to license official themed merchandise.
"We feel that such is in accordance with tradition," said church president Gordon B. Hinckley. "The twelve and the First Presidency met together and asked, WWJD (What would Joseph do?), and the answer was obvious."
Vendor response has been gratifying thus far, said a clearly pleased Dallin Oaks. "Even large multinational corporations recognize a winning product and are happy to associate themselves with it."
Some of the early licenses:
The Richard G. Scott alarm clock by Casio. Instead of an annoying screech or unpredictable music, this clock gently awakens you with the soothing voice of Richard G. Scott: "If you aren't out of bed already, I plead with you to do so now. If you oversleep, at some point you'll need to acknowledge your part of the responsibility. Please. Wake. Up. Now."
Boyd K. Packer autographed locking oven mitts. "It's virtually impossible to speed up your little factory with these little gems locked on," said a glowing President Packer. "What a blessing this product will be to our young men (and to far too many of our married priesthood holders. For once I'll be able to sleep well knowing that the night will pass without the wasting of life-giving substance."
Wall-mounted Rapping Tommy Monson. With its built-in motion sensor, this little gem will have your LDS friends in stitches. "I don't seek for fame nor wealth; I just want to like myself" goes one of the more-popular rhymes. As an added bonus, every ten hours, the unit recites either "The Race" or Wordsworth's "Ode: Intimations of Immortality," while DJ Dieter Uchtdorf mans the vinyl.
James E. Faust Filling Toss game by Milton Bradley. The object of this game is to extract gold fillings from poor South Americans and toss them into the gaping maw of a greedy church. At the end, those with the green aprons and the fewest teeth win.
Gordon B. Hinckley "Whack-A-Doctrine" game. Miniature wizened prophets pop out spouting once bedrock doctrine: "Adam-God!" "Deification!" "Polygamy!" "Curse of Cain!" Just try and pin the prophet down doctrinally. Bet you can't.
Joseph Smith's game of LIFE. You'll find hours of family fun as you try to prop up a fake religion, avoid doing any work, perpetrate bank fraud, and try to keep numerous extramarital affairs from your wife, all while spouting forth inspired revelation. But don't get caught in Carthage Jail!
| Salt Lake City (UPI)--The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today the inauguration of a new program to augment its already successful missionary program.
"We have long been gratified by the selfless service provided by church members over the years, not only among full-time missionaries, but in such church-service activities as extraction and genealogy, volunteer service at church historical sites, and church-service missions in areas such as construction and education," said Presiding Bishop H. David Burton. "In keeping with that spirit, we are pleased to announce a program of Mall Service Missionaries, beginning immediately."
Burton explained that the costs of the two downtown malls in Salt Lake City have risen to unforeseen levels (currently between $1.5 and 2.0 billion), and that members must be prepared to sacrifice of their time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed them to help further this great project in building the kingdom.
"Through a partnership with Zion's Securities, we will be able to ensure near-capacity occupancy in the mall by providing, free of charge, full- and part-time mall service missionaries to staff retail outlets and fast-food franchises. Their much-needed service will lower costs for businesses leasing space and thus better ensure that the church will receive the expected income."
A pilot program has been in place for several months at Provo Towne Center, where bright-eyed missionaries perform such vital work as preparing fast food and selling video games.
"I'm so excited to be here," gushed Amanda Smith of Sioux City, Iowa, sporting a Dillards badge reading "Sister Smith." "People ask me if I was a little disappointed when I received my mission call to sell housewares, but I take the Lord at His word, that there is no difference between the temporal and the spiritual."
Some controversy erupted over the placement of mall service missionaries in businesses that may or may not be in keeping with church standards.
"Well, dude, I was kind of bummed at first," said Elder Travis Johnson of Katy, Texas, as he dipped a corn dog into a deep fryer. "I was kind of hoping for someplace like Russia, or something. But you know, I'll go where you want me to go and all that. And besides, I still get to go tracting in the evenings."
"I can tell you that President Packer was not happy with our decision to place sisters in Victoria's Secret, but I assured the brethren that you can be in Victoria's Secret without being of Victoria's Secret."
Burton also suggested that further cost reductions might come through having local wards take turns cleaning the mall each Saturday. "Our members have done more than an adequate job cleaning meetinghouses for several years now. I think they've developed the expertise needed to take on a larger role at the mall. After all, as the Lord said, 'Where much is given, much is required.'"
| SALT LAKE CITY- AP
MORMON CHURCH TO BUY OUT ALBERTSON'S GROCERY STORES STATEWIDE
The LDS church has announced plans to purchase all Albertson's grocery stores in the state of Utah. The conversion of the existing stores from Albertson's to Gordon’s will begin in January and is expected to take several months.
Gordon’s Groceries will be centered around the Word of Wisdom, according to spokeswoman Candy Christiansen. “Faithful Latter-day Saints will no longer have to hurry past aisles of tea, coffee or alcoholic beverages to get to the cookies and potato chips. Our stores will be Word of Wisdom based and dedicated to the healthy eating habits and clean lifestyle of the Utah saints.”
The stores will not carry any coffee, tea, alcohol or caffeinated beverages. They will retain the pharmacies but items such as condoms, KY Lubricant, “personal massagers” and any method of birth control will not be sold. Per the request of the Quorum of the Twelve, Viagra and Cialis will be offered at a discount to temple recommend holders over the age of fifty.
Gordon’s Groceries will proudly offer the state’s largest selection of pre-sweetened Kool-Aid, cookies, ice-cream, and of course, Jello. A unique Gordon’s brand of fry sauce is in the works and should be available in stores by June, 2007.
According to Christiansen, negotiations are in progress with Chuck-A-Rama to incorporate their restaurants right inside Gordon’s Groceries, allowing Gordon’s patrons to eat a healthy balanced lunch at the all-you-can-eat buffet before shopping .
Orem resident, LaJean Brown, feels the new grocery is a blessing from the Lord. "I have always been nauseated by the odor from the coffee aisle at Albertson's. I've also avoided taking my children into the pharmacy for fear that my teenagers might see the boxed condoms...it was such an unwholesome atmosphere."
Christiansen believes the new grocery will strengthen the testimonies of church members. "The plans for this new Word of Wisdom based grocery is a testimony to me that the Prophet really does speak with the Lord face to face in the temple. I know that in Gordon's, the spirit will never be driven from shoppers by coffee, tea or other foods prohibited by God."
| AP - Provo
Scholars at the Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies (FARMS) today unveiled a revised version of last year's Three Cumorahs Theory, called the Unlimited Geography Theory (UGT). BYU anthropologist John Sorenson and historian Richard Bushman are credited as the primary inventors of the theory.
"Hey - the Book of Mormon is true. And whatever you need that to mean, is what it means", said a beleaguered-looking Bushman at a recent press conference. "America, Malaysia, Africa...it doesn't really matter". The whole point of the UGT, he says, is that members just need to keep "knowing" that "it's true, it's true, it's true", and not to get bogged down by questions like, "what would that really mean?".
Bushman went on to explain that not only has it not been definitively established that Book of Mormon events took place in America, as he noted in his recent book "Rough Stone Rolling", but that "they have not even been definitively established to have occurred on our planet, in our galaxy, or even in our dimension".
BYU physicist John Sinclair, in a separate interview, says that for years, physicists have speculated about the existence of an infinity of universes, that is, that reality is one big "multiverse". "That means there is a literal infinity of places or dimensions the Book of Mormon events could have taken place in. They could even be taking place right now, where we stand, just in another dimension that we can't see, and maybe Joseph Smith just saw it all in prophetic vision. I would even say that even if those events only ever happened in Joseph Smith's imagination, that 'Joseph's imagination' still qualifies as a 'place', and that therefore, the Book of Mormon, technically speaking', would still be 'true'".
In a related story, FARMS writer DonLoy Q. Rotundsen continues to deny that Mormonism is cannibalizing itself to try to stay alive. When asked how then he explains the fact that church leaders have not condemned the UGT, which after all contradicts 175 years of official church doctrine and the text of the Book of Mormon itself, Rotundsen replied confidently, "The answer to that is very clear: Tal Bachman is a one-hit wonder, and Bob McCue's essays are really long". When asked what that had to do with accelerating Mormon cannibalization efforts, Rotundsen complained he had been "misunderstood", and declared he was being victimized by "unprecedented anti-Mormon bigotry, hatred, and prejudice".
| It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas |
For ev'ry Mormon I know;
Take a look at temple square, lights are everywhere
And missionary dames, I'll bring some Mistletoe!
It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas
The new mall won't be a bore
But the prettiest sight for me, the mini holiday handcart that will be
Next to my own front door.
A quad of holy books and a pencils that marks
Are the wish of Warren and Rulon;
Dolls that don't talk and follow a prophet
Are the hope of Flora and Sharon;
And Gram and Gramps can hardly wait to gift genealogy again.
It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas
For ev'ry Mormon I know;
There's a statue in Hotel Utah, one by the temple as well,
The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow.
It's beginning to look a lot like Smithmas;
Soon the calls will start,
And the thing that will make them ring is home teacher that will bring,
homemade treats to your home.
| AP Salt Lake City
Gordon B. Hinckley announced today that effective immediately the Church would start conducting Disciplinary Councils for the dead. I met with President Hinckley and asked him exactly what that means. Are they going to excommunicate dead people or disfellowship them? Is that even possible?
"Yes, I know that it might seem a little bit weird to be hold 'Courts of Love' for those who are on the other side of the veil, however, many of of our members submit names of their deceased ancestors without even checking out the history of these people. The Church on both sides of the veil needs to be kept clean and pure from those who are not 'celestial' material." Hinckley said.
"But I thought that those who hadn't heard the gospel while they were alive in this life would be able to hear it in the next life and then they would be forgiven for their sins and all would be fine with them." I said.
"Well that's not how it works. These people would have had to live good upstanding LDS lives in order for that to happen..." Hinckley said.
"But but...these people didn't even know LDS doctrine when they were alive, how can they be judged according to that?" I asked.
"Well, here's how it will work. Let's say that your great grandfather John had never heard the gospel before..."
"And he cheated on your great grandmother and was a womanizer. You submit the temple name, but you probably didn't do enough research to know that." Hinckley said.
"Okay, and..." I said.
"Now he has had all the ordinances and now been sealed to your great grandmother, but he cheated on her in this life. If he had been alive in this life, he would have received a disciplinary council to find out his true repentance. This gives him a chance to repent of this sin by proxy."
"So how exactly is it done then?" I asked.
So I followed Hinckley down the hall and under the street over into the Salt Lake Temple where they had constructed what looked like a High Council room. All the people were dressed in temple garb, so I felt a little out of place.
"Okay, we now come to the case of the adultry committed by Milton Filmore Gurmon back in 1709 with a Ms. Hally, who was a prostitute. What do you have to say for yourself Mr. Gurmon?" The person in proxy for a Stake President asked.
I looked over and saw that at the end of the table was an empty chair.
"Don't you have anything to say in your defense Brother Gurmon?" The Proxy Stake President said. "C'mon, you must have something to say in your defense! Anything?"
"Excuse me Brother Williams," another person at the table said.."On behalf of the deceased, and as one of the proxy High Council members for the defense that it was my understanding that this Ms. Hally was quite the looker and could be had at a reasonable price. Also, may I remind you all that Brother Gurmon had just had an argument with his common law wife regarding whose turn it was to clean out the latrine and she had threatened to kill his favorite goat, according to his journal."
"I would still like to hear what Brother Gurmon has to say though, but since he refuses to talk..."
"This is just crazy!" I said outloud, "There is no one in the Chair!" I protested.
"We can't know that for sure." Hinckley said, "for all we know he really is just being nonforthcoming.
"Okay then, how many of these Courts of Love have you held?" I asked.
"About 500." Hinckley said.
"And of those meetings, how many have actually had the accused say anything at all?" I again asked.
"None, but I'm sure they are just being stubborn." Hinckley said.
"I think I need a drink." I said and walked out the door.
| The church needs all the gullible |
There are in all the land
Stop questioning, but with us sing
Put your head into the sand!
Put your head into the sand, push it in
The prophet says that thinking is a sin
We all have brains, but please refrain
Put your head into the sand.
For Gordon knows that knowledge kills
The church is on the brink
The truth's irrelevant to you
And you have no time to think
Shove your head into your ass, push it in
Ignore reality, and you will win!
The prophet spoke, it's not a joke,
Shove your head into your ass.
The church has need of tithing funds
Salvation isn't cheap
So give your all to build those malls
And you'll sow that we can reap.
Put your hand into your wallet, give some cash
Gordon's temples have depleted our stash.
We'll take Visa or Master Card
Put your hand into your wallet.
The church has need of future growth
But baptisms are slow
It's really great to procreate
Put your factories to work.
Put your factories to work, there's no cost
Boyd K. Packer sheds a tear when sperm is lost.
Don't use your mouth on regions south.
PUt your factories to work.
Then don't stand idly looking on
The church is dying fast.
Those in the know left long ago,
So be loyal to the last!
Just be loyal to the last, you'll be blessed.
And be proud that you have passed this great test.
The spirit tells you all is well
So be loyal to the last!
| 10. Enter to Be Indoctrinated; Go Forth to Breed |
9. Electroshock-free since 1996
8. Please remove facial hair and critical thinking skills before entering
7. Where it's always 1955
6. Home of Sparkling Yogurt
5. It's Not a Lie If You Believe It
4. Arbeit Macht Frei
3. Harvard for the Superstitious
2. Closing Minds One Freshman at a Time
1. Don't Intellectualize the Gospel
| 10. Handcrafted replica of the wooden window box Joseph Smith used to store the gold plates--$99.95. For $150 more, includes a replica of the plates that you can see with your spiritual eyes if you pray really hard (results not guaranteed).
9. Refrigerator-magnet "Guilt Trip Wheel"--$34.95. A perfect companion to family home evening wheels, chore wheels, and other reminders to fulfill the daily requirements of Mormonism.
8. Hand-turned, polished replica of President Hinckley's walking cane, engraved with the inspiring words "I don't know that we teach it"--$250.
7. A set of four gold fillings from a third-world church member, mounted over an etching of the temple of your choice, with an engraved plate reading "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven"--$189.95.
6. Exquisite "Richard G. Scott" alarm clock. Wakes you each morning with the gentle voice of the beloved apostle: "If you haven't already awoken, I plead with you to do so now." Includes special setting for those who have trouble sleeping; just push the "Slumber" button, and you'll hear random excerpts from Elder Scott's talks; you'll be asleep in no time!--$249.95.
5. "Book of Mormon Evidence" coffee table book, including full color photos of "NHM," tapirs in their natural habitat, and Mayan obsidian clubs. Includes 250 blank pages for you to insert additional evidence as it is discovered by scientists--$69.95.
4. "Clue: Thomas Monson edition." The popular mystery game has been updated to involve scenarios where players follow clues to discover which act of selfless service President Monson did. You'll have hours of fun discovering that President Monson gave the canary to the widow in the largest ward in the church, or that he gave the train set to the disheveled boy in the poor part of Provo.--$79.95.
3. Gingerbread creations: choose from the conference center and either of the two downtown Salt Lake malls--$2,000 (price subject to change).
2. CTR earrings (one pair per customer, please). This simple yet stunning set will show the world that you are indeed marriage material because you follow the prophet!--$124.95.
1. LDS scientific calculator. This is the same calculator used by church headquarters to show increases in membership each year (even when there aren't any); you'll be like the Kirtland Bank and discover hidden treasures in your accounts using this calculator (note: we are not responsible for any errors in calculations).
| Sung to the tune of 'Winter Wonderland' |
Sealing team, are you going?
In the Film, Eve is sizzling!
In Temple Whites,
We're Holy tonight.
Standing up and down in Mormon Garment Wear
Gone away is the Slashing,
Here to stay is a new Sign
Pay Lay Ale we will not say
That saying is now gone
Standing up and down in Mormon Garment Wear
In the Earth Room we standup then sit down
Then pretend that we are naked.
Eloheim will say: Adam where art thou?
Adam will say: I hid myself
The woman Eve, she made me
Satan said it’d make us free.
Now a days we secretly conspire,
To put Smith’s Enemies in a fire
In self-righteous rage
The plans that we've made,
Taking Over Is God’s Plan.
In the Endowment we make Secret Covenants,
And pretend that we are Kings
We'll have present ourselves at the veil,
It’s One Eternal Round
Lorenzo Snow, He was willing
That Church enemies would get a killing
We’ll all die someday, In the King Follet way
Pay Lay Aling in the Mormon Land
| 10. How to Inspire People Without Actually Saying Anything, by Thomas Monson
9. You Need All the Friends You Can Get: A History of LDS-Jewish Relations, by Daniel Peterson
8. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Mesoamerican Archaeology, by the Maxwell Institute
7. The Autobiography of Paul Dunn, by Sheri Dew
6. How to Look Creepy on TV, by Richard G. Scott
5. Whoever Said 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' Was an Idiot, by David Bednar
4. Teeth for Temples and Other Stories of Faith and Sacrifice, by James E. Faust
3. Hands Off: A Guide to Celestial Intimacy, by Boyd K. Packer
2. Making Enrichment Night Meaningful and Other Fantasies, by the General Relief Society Board
1. The Secrets of My Success: Empty Platitudes and a Selective Memory, by Gordon B. Hinckley
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