THE MORMON CURTAIN
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COMEDY - SECTION 4
Great selection of Ex-Mormon comedy.
| City Creek Mall Announces Flagship Stores
10/15/2006 by D. P. Gumby
The Land of Knee-high Levis - A specialty boutique featuring garment compatible denim shorts.
Hagoth's Travel - Book your South Pacific cruises here.
Paul H. Dunn, Bookseller - fiction only.
Captain Moroni's Military Surplus - Steel swords a specialty.
Joe's Magic Shop - Get your seerstones and Jupiter talismans.
Cureloms and Things - An exotic pet store. Yes, they carry tapirs!
Sherri's Crafts - Features a wide collection of Relief Society homemaking night crafts. Turkey carcass sleighs! Tampon angels! Look, you can't beat this stuff.
The Last Days - Food storage and survival supplies for those saints anxiously awaiting the second coming.
First Visions - A complete collection of Mormon cinema on DVD. Currently featuring the last 25 years of General Conference box set.
Jeffs' Bridal Shop - A "family" business from Southern Utah (and Texas, and British Columbia).
Boyd's Little Factory Outlet - A wholesale porn store fronted by a plumbing suppy and fertilizer distributor.
The food court will have:
House of Jello - Every Jell-O recipe ever invented.
Fanny's - A Hooters style restaurant. Would have been Joe Smith's favorite eatery.
Danny's Donuts - Official hangout for FARMS-BYU aficianados.
McMorgs Hamburgers - Home of the famous Milkburger - 'cause you ain't ready for the meat!
Kokoabeam Hot Chocolate Shoppe - No Word of Wisdom violations here.
Please add some flagship stores of your own to be posted here:
| Utah State Senator Chris Buttars Introduces Legislation To Ban Tall-Short Alliances In Public Schools |
Friday, Mar 30, 2007, at 07:57 AM
Original Author(s): Mujun
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 4 -Link To MC Article-
| ↑ |
| Conservative State Senator Chris Buttars (R-West Jordan) today introduced a bill in the Utah Legislature that would allow public schools to prevent the formation of "tall-short alliances" in public schools.
The clubs are a recent phenomenon, started by short students who feel that they have too often been the victims of discrimination and ridicule, particularly in Utah where such an overwhelming majority of the population is tall. The short students have been joined by an unexpected ally, a small number of tall students who consider themselves open-minded and progressive and who want to create an atmosphere in the schools in which their short classmates feel accepted and safe.
The advent of such clubs has raised the ire of many parents, who worry about the message the school would be sending to their children by recognizing these students. "I don't want my kids hanging around with a bunch of short students," said Nephi Kimball of Canadian Fork. "The next thing you know, they'll end up short themselves."
Medical experts throughout the world have long recognized that being short is purely biological, a product of nature, not nurture. Surveys in Utah, however, continue to show that a sizable majority of voters consider shortness to be a personal choice and immoral.
Senator Buttars has said that he believes the clubs "indoctrinate" students into a "short lifestyle."
Anonymous sources close to Governor Jon Huntsman have said that the Governor is familiar with the medical arguments that shortness is not a choice and "finds them compelling," but that "he will probably just give the crowd Barabbas, as usual." He is expected to sign the bill.
| (Salt Lake City) For months preceding this week's General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, rumors had circulated concerning an "historical event" that would take place at the always historic annual conference. "Gosh! I mean, conference is always historic." Said Jennifer L. Smith, of Spanish Fork Utah. "But we kept hearing that this conference would have extra historicity."
Most Saints concluded that the historical event was the rededication of the LDS Tabernacle on Temple Square (TM). But their first clue came at the performance of the ceremony formerly known as the "Hosanna Shout." To their surprise, the congregation found green handkerchiefs replacing the traditional white. And instead of shouting the traditional "Hosanna!" Gordan B. Hinckley, Prophet, Seer and Revelator of the LDS church began to shout "Pickleoooyah! Pickleoooyah!
Puzzled Saints wondered what had inspired the changes. But LDS Apostle Dallin Oakes denied any changes to the ceremony. "We didn't change anything, and besides, it's sacred so I can't discuss it."
But a major shift in the LDS church became evident during Apostle David A. Bednar's remarks at the conference session. In what has become known as "the metaphor heard around Utah, most of Idaho, some of Arizona and Nevada, a teensy bit of Alberta, and a few other places scattered across the globe," he said: "Just as a cucumber is transformed into a pickle as it is immersed in and saturated with salt brine, so you and I are born again as we are absorbed by and in the gospel of Jesus Christ."
Some Utah residents were not impressed. "God, that's an old AA metaphor," remarked a streetwise cabbie. But by Monday morning, it was clear that Bednar's metaphor was a harbinger of change.
The First Presidency's Office announced the finding of a newly discovered journal in Joseph Smith's own handwriting by a janitor in the First Presidency's Vault. "I'd noticed that the urim and thummin was getting a little dusty. I went over to clean it, tripped over the McClellan collection, and there it was! Sitting right on the shelf labeled "Useless Junk No One Should Ever Look At."
The journal shows heavy editing in handwriting that appears to match Brigham Young's. The diary cleary shows that Joseph Smith had named the three degree of glory in the LDS heaven as "sweet", "dill', and 'gherkin." Those who had denied the holy ghost would be sent to "outer cukeness." And polygamy, currently described as the New and Everlasting Covenant" was originally called "The New and Everlasting Condiment."
The First presidency announced several immediate changes. All baptisms would be performed in fonts filled with brine rather than water. Pickling spices would be added to the consecrated oil used for healings. All CtR rings would be replaced with "IaP" "I'm a Pickle" Members would be encouraged to approach perfect strangers and ask them the "Green Questions." And a new snappy line of LDS television commercials would feather the music from a Dr. Pepper Jingle..."Wouldn't you like to be a pickle, too."
Formerly discouraged LDS apologists, who had been reduced to sucking their thumbs and whining about "those meanie exmormons," appeared reinvigorated. FARMS released a special issue, featuring articles such as "Pickle Images in Mayan and Toltec Art." The issue also includes a newly discovered and previously unpublished article by Hugh Nibley entitled "Pickle Parallels -- A Scholarly Examination of Pickle References in Early Egypt Featuring Lots of Footnotes to Sources You've Never Heard Of.
| DIPS - Deseret International Press Service
The Easter Bunny has been banned from Mormon homes worldwide after a breakdown in negotiations with members of the Quorum of the Twelve.
Boyd K. Packer was reportedly in negotiations with the Easter Bunny over his visiting the homes of Mormon children on Sunday, thereby breaking the Sabbath. The first presidency issued a proclamation for the Easter Bunny stating that all egg hiding and candy delivery should occur on the Saturday immediately preceding Easter in order to preserve the sanctity of the Sabbath and keep the focus of Easter on Joseph Smith.
The Easter Bunny has declined to change his schedule to appease the Mormons, and as Elder Packer claims, “turned his long ears from the truth.” Elder Bednar called the bunny hard and unyielding, just like an unpickled carrot. “If the Easter Bunny would only immerse his carrot in the brine of the Gospel, he would become soft and mushy, and hearken unto our council. His stubbornness leaves us no option but to ban him from the homes of Mormons worldwide.”
The following statement was issued by the Easter Bunny: “Why would I listen to the ravings of a bunch of delusional men who believe in such fairy tales as Jaredite barges, magic spectacles, and sword-wielding angels? Being banned from Mormon homes doesn’t bother me a bit and only lessens the tremendous amount of hopping I do Sunday morning and the amount of disgusting egg salad made Monday by Mormon mothers. Really, this is better for everyone involved.”
There were unconfirmed reports of Packer’s car being egged as he left the Easter Bunny’s egg dying facility.
As consolation for Mormon children worldwide, President Hinckley, in his kindness, has announced that local Bishops will be handing out horehound candy from the Beehive House to the children in their wards along with baby dill pickles representing the brining of children into perfectly obedient little Mormons.
| From the Salt Lake City Weekly:
In the wake of Apostle Bednar’s speech in General Conference, thousands of faithful Mormons have been trying to turn themselves into pickles. Supermarkets and food specialty shops have experienced a record-breaking run on salt brine. Dan’s sold out within hours of Apostle Bednar’s call to the faithful to get themselves pickled, store officials say. Smith’s Food andamp; Drug and Albertsons also report long lines of customers at the checkout counter clutching cans of salt brine and, in some cases, dousing themselves with salt brine while in line.
During the last 10 days, local emergency rooms have experienced the influx of patients presenting unusual symptoms: green skin, an acrid body odor and an uncontrollable compulsion to insert themselves in between two all-beef patties on a sesame-seed bun.
| What a surprise to findout that there was a 'Strengthening the Members' Committee, with the task of 'Strengthening the Members' to be more obedient to the brethern. However, this is just the tip of the Iceberg for special committees the Church has set up. Here are a list of 10 I just found out about.
BEGC- The Boring Equals Good Committee. Tasked with finding ways to make church more dull than it already is. Infamous for advocating a High Councilor speaker on more Sundays, and the budget plan so parties must be done on the cheap at members expense.
FWGMC- Fire Workers, Get Members Committee - Tasked with finding jobs that are currently paid for by the Church that they can find members to do as missions.
UFDC - Uniformity From Diversity Committee - Tasked with making sure all members dress and act like white caucasian males and females. Motto- We love diversity, elsewhere.
SBGC- Stupid Blessings Gossip Committee - Tasked with coming up with blessings one will receive from obedience, such as getting a better looking wife for more diligent work on your mission.
FPRC - Faith Promoting Rumors Committee - Tasked with making sure all faith promoting stories adapted from other faiths are changed to reflect happening to LDS Members, ie. the Birdies Story.
SDMC - Stare Down Members Committee -Tasked with teaching Bishops and Stake Presidents in the art of staring people down during interviews to make them think the Bishop is reading their mind, causing undue guilt if they lie.
SMGC - Strengthening the Members Guilt Committee - Tasked with finding new projects and programs that the members are then made to feel guilty about not doing. Sure you might be going to temple everyday, and preaching the gospel to all your friends, but have you been a good homemaker?
SMCDC - Strenghtening the Members Cognitive Dissonance Committee. In conjunction with FAIR and FARMS. Work to confuse the member so much about Church History and current affairs they don't know up from down. The Mall will bring non-members to the community allowing us to teach them the gospel, therefore it is a house of God.
UCC- Useless Commandments Committee - Tasked with creating ideas for the GAs to talk about that members should do, such as only one pair of earrings for Women, none for men, which won't solve the worlds problems, bring peace, cause prosperity, or do much of anything else except give members one more thing to feel guilty about.
BRC - Blemish Reduction Committee - Tasked with making sure Oaks and Eyrings bald spots aren't too bright, and no facial hair shows up on any of the female speakers faces at conference time.
| Bowing to customer demand, Clean Flix has announced the availability of a "worthy" version of the recent PBS documentary "The Mormons."
Dean Gunderson, spokesman for the company, explained. "We received hundreds of phone calls from church members who wanted to see the program but had read about the offensive and biased material presented. I believe we, more than anyone, are best equipped to present this material in a fair and balanced way and let the viewers decide."
Gunderson explained that they took as their guiding principle the wise counsel from President Boyd K. Packer: "Some things that are true are not very useful." Said Brother Gunderson, "We looked at each section of the film and prayerfully determined whether it met the criteria of being both useful and uplifting. We're pretty pleased with the outcome."
First, Gunderson's team removed all statements from non-LDS participants. "You could just feel the evil presence whenever they spoke. And I think that one guy was gay." And all references to non-Mormons were removed, especially depictions of polygamists. "Why anyone would associate our church with those nutjobs in Southern Utah is beyond me," said an indignant Gunderson.
After that, they carefully removed that which tears down instead of building up. "Well, all I know is that so-called 'Sister' Flake was not the kind of church member I know. She reeked of bitterness and hostility. And that Islamic scholar, what was he doing there? When my kids saw the word 'Islam' on the screen, they got scared. Plus he was saying all that nonsense about stones in hats, like we really teach that."
Clean Flix also removed offensive visuals. "I couldn't believe it. They made New England look like a bleak wasteland, like this was some R-rated horror movie. It had to go. Avoid the appearance of evil, I always say," said Gunderson.
A spokesperson for PBS expressed outrage at the edits: "They took a beautiful and informative documentary and reduced it to a 3-minute monologue from Terryl Givens."
Responded Gunderson, "Yes, and aren't those 3 glorious minutes?"
| Associate Press Release:
Pinnacle Foods (makers of the popular Vlasic Pickle brand) have signed on LDS Apostle David A. Bednar as an official spokesperson for Vlasic.
Bednar's endorsement will only be used in a localized marketing campaign focusing on a key target demographic. Namely UT and ID.
Pinnacle Marketing President, Bud "Dill" Sanderson, had this to offer:
"When we heard Mr. Bednar's recent general conference speech about pickles, we saw a perfect opportunity to capitilize on our sales in the the UT/ID area. We realize Mr. Bednar is highly respected among the LDS. It is my understanding Mormons believe when a leader (such as Bednar) speaks, the thinking has been done. We are hoping that by having him say: "Eat Vlasic" the members will go out in droves and purchase our product. You just can't get a better endorsement than that!"
Pinnacle Foods is also slightly changing the label on all Vlasic products being shipped to UT and ID. The label will remain the same, but the famous "Vlasic Stork" mascot has been replaced by a photo of Mr. Bednar.
When asked about his new found fame, Bednar responded:
"It is rather surreal to see may face on a jar of pickles (laughs)! Five years ago if someone would've told me I would one day be in the Quorum of the 12 and a spokesperson for Vlasic; I wouldv'e laughed them out of town! I am looking forward to my new responsibility. I already received permission from the First Presidency to have the transcript of my recent talk re-edited. Any place in the talk where I use the word "pickle" has been slightly modified to read: "Vlasic pickle". There are also a few TV spots in the works."
When asked about how he will be compensated for the endorsement, he had this to say:
"As a servant of the Lord I cannot accept any type of compensation. Instead, Pinnacle is offering a very generous donation to BYU Idaho. We are also re-naming the student Union Building to: "Pinnacle Foods Vlasic Pickle Union Building." I have the utmost respect for the good people at Pinnacle."
Finally when asked what his favorite type of pickle was, Mr. Bednar said: "That's easy! Bread and Butter Chips, but only if they are Vlasic brand(laughs)!"
| There’s a lot of holidays celebrated by the secular world, but not too many non-mormons know about Pioneer Day. So I wrote a song for all those nice little Mormon kids who have to celebrate Pioneer day instead of play with their friends. Here we go... |
Pull your costume out of storage,
it’s time to reenact the voyage.
If you’re friends ask questions just say,
today is Pioneer Day.
Pioneer Day is,
a Mormon celebration,
Nobody else cares,
anywhere in the nation.
When you feel like the only kid in town,
who wants to be a missionary,
Heres a list of people who are Mormon,
just like you and your friend Larry:
is in the Hall of Fame,
Ty Detmer will never go,
but he’s a Mormon just the same.
Guess who has a testimony,
and chooses the right,
Izzie from Greys Anatomy,
and Napolean Dynamite.
Rodney Dangerfield married a Mormon,
but then he died.
He can still become a Mormon,
if he’s proxy baptized.
You don’t need crucifixes,
or a teacher that’s a nun.
All you need is a testimony,
of the Book of Mormon.
Ten percent you must pay,
Read your scriptures, don’t be gay.
Go to church, obey the GAs,
And celebrate Pioneer Day.
O.J. Simpson-- not a Mormon!
Neither is boxer and grill maker George Foreman
But we’ve got Harry Reid
and also Mitt Romney,
If we get a man in the White House,
He will serve Gordon B. Hinckley
Some people think Steve Martin’s Mormon,
But he’s not
Donnie and Marie are Mormon,
in case you forgot.
Not many Mormons are in show biz–
Jack Bauer isn’t but agent Mike Doyle is.
Go to Seminary,
and flirt with that girl named Carrie.
If you want to pop her cherry,
in the temple you must marry.
So go to church for 3-hours on Sunday,
Obey your bishop, remember to pray,
Eat your Jell-O and drink Kool-Aid,
and have a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy Pioneer Day.
| LDS Church officials announced today that it was beginning a transition to a privately held faithcare corporation in hopes of more efficient and profitable operations.
Church spokesman John LeFever explained, "In today's world of rising testimony-care costs, we felt that it was in the best interests of the church and its members to privatize. In this way, we can better fulfill the mission of the church while conserving much-needed funds for our larger real-estate ventures." LeFever cited an explosion in administrative costs, which was diverting needed funds from such important projects as canned-game shooting reserves, resort hotels, and major mall renovations.
Newly ordained apostle Quentin L. Cook will supervise the transition, capitalizing on his experience privatizing unprofitable and inefficient health care systems and hospitals. "It's a win-win situation," said LeFever. Elder Cook will oversee the legal and financial issues in transferring church assets to a shell corporation, 'Deseret Testimony Services," on whose board he will serve as an officer, with Gordon B. Hinckley serving as chairman. Cook bristled at the suggestion that supervising the transfer of church assets to his own corporation constitutes a conflict of interest. "Look, I've done this several times. Do you think I'd have done something like this if I had an ethical problem with it?"
Cook and LeFever insisted that the new corporation would be a boon to church members. "We're pioneers in this industry," said a beaming H. David Burton of the Presiding Bishopric. "In its new structure, the church will become what we like to call a 'Faith Management Organization,' or FMO for short."
Burton described how the new organization will work. Members, he said, will select a "primary care bishop," or PCB, responsible for meeting their spiritual needs. At such times that members need spiritual guidance, they will need to call a toll-free number, wherein trained counselors will assess their needs and determine if a visit to the bishop's office is warranted. Burton noted that the church will incur great cost savings by having MTC missionaries staff a phone bank as counselors. "Each missionary will receive at least one hour of training before they ever pick up the phone."
When a bishop's interview is warranted, members can schedule the visit at one of several FMO clinics, where they will be seen by a staff bishop for a nominal copayment. "The copayment will help us prevent unnecessary spiritual care," said Burton. "In the spirit of charity, however, the copayment will be determined on a sliding scale, with less-fortunate members paying a smaller amount." Annual "well-youth" interviews and temple recommend interviews will be conducted free of charge, though a nominal fee will be assessed for referring members to a staff stake president, who is considered a specialist.
Pilot programs in West Valley City and Riverton, Utah, have been quite successful. "Faith-care costs are down significantly in both areas," said Cook, who boasted of savings so great that large executive bonuses were warranted.
Members are quite happy with the results. LaDawn Jensen of Riverton shared her experience. "I was really depressed and contemplating suicide, but after talking to that nice young elder for a minute, I was convinced I didn't need to be seen, after all. Can anyone doubt the inspiration behind this new program? I am so thankful for a living prophet!"
| Rumor has it that there is an idea floating around out there for a chain of non-pretentious Mormon-themed restaurants called “The Steak Center” (Where There's Never a Dry, Boring Meat-ing!). Each Steak Center will have one enormous dining area with basketball hoops at either end, folding metal chairs and long tables covered in plastic tablecloths.
The Steak Centers will not have hostesses, but greeters. Men in their seventies will meet you at the door and talk like they have known you all your life, it's great...
The main menu items will be:
Porterhouse Rockwell Steak, Primary Rib and the Poor Wayfaring Pan of Beef, garnished with Parsley P. Pratt Funeral Potatoes. They will also have, when it's in season, Eliza R. Snow crab.
And let us not forget a wide variety have "And It Came to Pasta", including Kraft MacaMoroni and Cheese. Additionally, they'll have breakfast Items, including Pearls of Great Rice and Frosted Minivans, as well as Adam-ondi-Omelettes. (Bulk powdered milk will be located at the end of the condiment table so you can mix it to your favorite consistency) Also available, "In Our Lovely Desserts", including Fast Sundaes, Gadianton cobbler, carrot shaved Jell-O, fresh potato Chip casserole, and the sinful Laman Meringue Pie.
All meals will be served on Golden Plates…. which must all be collected and buried before you leave.
The waiters will be 12 and 13-year-old boys wearing white shirts and their fathers' ties. At the end of the night the customers will be asked to help fold up the chairs and tables and vacuum the floor.
Franchises are selling faster than Sunbeams on Skittles! Get yours while they last!
| The company that brought you LDSremindercalls.com has announced a follow-up service called LDSGuiltCalls.com. This service will help ensure better results the next time you send out a reminder call. The service is simple: After you have sent out your reminders, simply keep track of who didn't fulfill their assignment. Then you can select the names from list, and the service will automatically send the guilt reminder of your choice.
Temple trip: Hello, this is Brother Smith. I note with some sadness that someone in the spirit world who has waited hundreds of years for their temple ordinances will have to wait even longer because you couldn't be troubled to attend our ward's temple night. I'm sure you were doing something much more worthwhile, such as watching reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond." I hope you can live with your conscience until the next temple night. We pray for you.
Chapel cleaning: Hello, this is Brother Packard, reminding you that once again, a small group of people had to spend long hours cleaning up cheerios and baby vomit from the chapel. We could have used your help, but I'm sure you felt justified in doing whatever it was you were doing. The next time you sit on a clean bench or change your baby's diaper in a sanitary restroom, remember that others put their shoulder to the wheel so that you didn't have to.
Enrichment night: We had a glorious enrichment night that could only have been richer had we been graced by your presence. Sister Johanssen spent a lot of time preparing her workshop on toll painting Easter trivets, but unfortunately your life will never be blessed by her efforts. Instead, a small group of the faithful gathered together and were uplifted. We look forward to seeing you next month, unless of course you intend to disappoint the Savior once again. With love, your sisters in Zion.
Calls can also be personalized for specific needs, such as the following:
Hello, Brother Charles. This is the bishop checking in on your masturbation problem. If you had a masturbation-free day, press 1. If you masturbated, press 2 and leave a detailed message describing how, where, and when you masturbated.
Satisfied customer rave about the results they've achieved:
"Attendance at our temple night is way up," enthuses Brad Call of Moorpark, California. "One brother came up to me and said, 'I'll do anything you want. Just stop the calls. Please, I'm begging you!' I couldn't be more pleased."
Bishop R. Craig Oats of Friendswood, Texas, agrees: "This system has really helped us in 'raising the bar' for missionary service. These guilt calls have reduced prospective missionary 'moral issues' by more than 38%. Thank you, LDSGuiltCalls!"
| In the interest of all you all's Eternal Salvation (c) I the munificent Postdumb have given you a way to keep your tokens memorized without having to attend a Mormon Temple. |
Let's call it my charitable contribution to those lost in mists of darkness.
If performed at least once per weak, these "sacred" signs will become second nature to the diligent and help them in the unlikely chance that Mormonism was more than a hoax.
The Hoax and Token (Performed to the tune of "The Hokey Pokey")
You put your right hand squared,
You put the palm of the hand out;
You put your right hand squared,
And you think your new name now.
You do the Hoax and Token,
And a Hallelujah Shout.
That's what it's all about!
You put your right hand in front,
You put your hand in cupping shape;
You put the right arm in a square,
And your left arm raised square.
You do the Hoax and Token,
And say your name with a shout.
That's what it's all about!
You put your left hand in front,
You put your hand in cupping shape;
You put your left arm squared,
And your right hand forward, palm down.
You do the Hoax and Token,
And you conjure the Sign of the Nail.
That's what it's all about!
You put your hands above your head,
You shout out “Pay;”
You drop your arms to the square,
And you shout out “Lay.”
You lower your arms to your chest,
And you shout “Ale” out.
That's what it's all about!
You circle around the altar,
You let your best feelings exist;
You make the signs of all the tokens,
You ask God to hear the words of your mouth.
You do true order of prayer,
And you repeat what goes around.
That's what it's all about!
You give your new name through the veil,
You give your old name through the veil;
You give the Sign of the Nail,
And say "the Son, the Son of God.”
You do the Patriarchal Grip,
And converse with the Lord through the Veil.
That's what it's all about!
| New Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Loss Of Testimony Of Mormon Faith And Pornography |
Wednesday, Feb 18, 2009, at 07:50 AM
Original Author(s): Primus
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 4 -Link To MC Article-
| ↑ |
| AP- Salt Lake City
What has long been thought to be the case by those who believe in the Latter-Day Saint, or Mormon faith has now been proven to be true. Pornography leads to lack of faith in the Mormon faith.
Daniel R. Millstone, a leading expert at FARTS, or Foundation for American Research Trashing Sinners found that when strong priesthood holders such as Bishops, High Council Members and even Church Apostles were subjected to dirty videos and magazines such as Hustler and Playboy, that their testimony in the truthfulness of the LDS Church diminished.
We interviewed one participant by the who did not want to disclose his real name, but instead went by the name Former Ultra TBM Mega Lord to find out what his experience was.
"I was as solid as a rock, a true iron rodder. I figured that when I was contacted by the FARTS guys that whatever their experiment was, that I would be able to handle it. Unfortunately now I CAN'T STOP HANDLING IT. My IRON ROD is getting sore, and I don't believe in that silly Mormon whatever it is anymore!"
We talked with Dr. I.M Hardon to get an explanation of how the study was carried out.
"Well, what we would do is bring in a true believer, someone who was currently on a mission for example, or even the mission president. First we would give them a quiz by asking them questions like 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?' Then we would record the responses with a scale like
100% believe it to be true
90% believe it to be true, but have on item 'on the shelf'
80% believe it to be true, though I question a lot
70% believe it to be true, sometimes feel like a New Order Mormon
60% believe it to be true, but it could be as true as the Catholics,
all the way down to 0% belief, the LDS Church is the MOST EVIL organization on Earth EVER!
We then had these RMs, Bishops, Apostles, etc. watch R-rated movies and then administered the quizzes again after the viewing. Generally speaking, after the R movie, belief in the LDS faith dropped by an average of 10%.
Then we had new participants watch xxx rated films. In general, the belief in the Church for a 100% committed person dropped down to the New Order Mormon phase or 50%. Those who watched 2 films left the study wanting to fire bomb the temple.
Former Ultra TBM Mega Lord said "If I had some fertilizer and other ingredients, I would probably storm my local church building. What a BUNCH OF EVIL HEATHENS THOSE LDS ARE!"
"Was there a particular teaching that has turned you off to the Church and made you REALLY mad about it?" I asked.
"Well, no, but when I saw Peter North taking on 5 women, I just knew that the LDS Church couldn't be TRUE!"
I then talked with David Bednar, the only apostle to participate in the study to get his reaction.
"Well, losing my testimony after watching 'Hot Women and Ugly Women Part 14.'was really tough, I mean I have alluded in the past to personally eating pickle sandwiches with Jesus, but after that I (sniffle sniffle) just don't know anymore. I'll probably have to have you keep my name private in this article because my pay is really good, and I will have to continue living a lie, but I can't afford to give up my 6 figure salary."
We asked Dr. I.M. Hardon why he feels that these people lose their testimonies when they watch pornography, when the pornography isn't necessarily showing anything evil about the Mormon faith either good or bad.
He suggested that it was the intense anger over the lose of polygamy back in the 18th century and that the volunteers were disgruntled that they would not be able to do the same things in real life that they saw in the films and that therefore they were angry.
"You see one of these films and think...Wow, I'm going to go out and have threesome! Then you realize that the Church doesn't currently allow for an additional wife for the threesome and you get all mad, then you realize that you've been robbed as a robust virile guy by the Church, wish you can go back in time to those polygamy days and can't do anything about it. Then you start to 'kick against the pricks.'
So what had the experiment done to females testimonies when they watched xxx rated films?
"Well, women of course are asexual creatures who don't get excited by that sort of thing, they have no propensity to masturbate or look at dirty pictures, or anything of that kind, so we didn't even think to do an experiment with them." Dr. I.M. Hardon said.
"I figure that if we do an experiment with women, we will see how gambling or shopping for shoes or something destroys their testimonys. I mean, the reason most women leave the Church is obviously that they have some sort of gambling problem or drug problem which makes them lose their testimonies."
"Obviously." I said
| President Obama praises Mormon Church for stimulating U.S. Economy
Washington DC - President Obama phoned President Thomas Monson, Profit, Sneer and Regulator of the LDS Church to thank him for participating in the stimulus and economic recovery of the United States.
Obama specifically thanked Monson for hiring twenty new employees in the Membership and Confidential Records Department who will processing the ever increasing official resignations requests from disaffected Mormons.
Ever quick to point out the positive, Obama thanked Monnson for the millions of dollars that disaffected Mormons are pouring into the U.S. economy instead paying that 10% of their income into the bottomless pit of the Church's treasury.
The phone call ended with Obama telling Monson what a big HBO fan he and the First Lady are and that for next week's Family Home Evening in the Whitehouse, they will for sure be tuned in to see the Mormon Temple ceremony on Big Love.
Monson was reported to be cordial with Obama and even promised that some time in the next century a Black man will be called to be an Apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Seeds of Cain.
| I'm So Excited That I Think I'll Have A Spiritual Anorgasmia If I Don't Tell Someone! |
Friday, Apr 3, 2009, at 12:09 PM
Original Author(s): Elder Berry
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 4 -Link To MC Article-
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| This is so exciting and so indicative of my spiritual leader's adherence to The Truth in making Sacrament Meeting more reverent and spiritual!
It is just such a sign of our times and such a sign of revelation from God, our Heavenly Father!
A special single sister who I've become friendly with in my capacity as Elder's Quorum President has let me in on a secret about something that will be announced in the upcoming Annual General Conference of The Church!
Frequently, this sister asks for blessings from The Priesthood to exorcise her, or dispel her oft-felt feelings of The Adversary in her small apartment. Well, just last night as I was administering to her with one of my counselors, she told me this great news.
Apparently, she is related to a cousin who is related to a mission president, who knows a temple president, who has spoken with an apostle who heard it from the beloved lips of our modern day Prophet himself!
And the exciting news is this - The Clapper is going to be installed in ALL Chapels!!!!!!
WOW! The Spirit is so strong in me I think I might collapse.
I don't know if you all are aware of it, but reverence in the chapels of the church especially during Sacrament Meetings has become THE ISSUE of this our days in this The Final Dispensation of The Lord. It has become such a problem that The Brethren have even considered creating a committee to study how to reduce the crying of children, the whispering, and the disruptive mentally disabled bearing testimonies in Fast and Testimony Meetings.
But, The Lord has touched His holy prophet and there is one thing that he can do to increase the reverent feelings that can be gained in Sacrament Meetings. He can stop all clapping in chapels!
We know it is such an offense to The Spirit and to our Heavenly Father when people clap in His Sacrament Meetings. So now, if there is EVER any clapping or applauding speakers or performers in Sacrament Meetings, the lights will go off and on wildly and stop this disruptive, disrespectful and disobediently irreverent clapping!
Oh, what a modern revelation and wonderful inspiration The Clapper is to us The Lord's very elect people.
| Welcome to conference. Wirthlin Passed away, so we called Elder Anderson to be an apostle. If he lives long enough, he'll be your me one day.
While the rest of you were working to earn tithing money for us, We took a retreat to party with Church members in Mexico. I wore a sombrero!
We dedicated a couple of temples, soon we'll dedicate more. I sure like dedicating temples. It really turns me on.
Where was I? Oh yes, the work of the church is moving on uninterrupted. Still don't have a clue what that means, but I'll say it every conference anyway.
We're down to 53,000 Full Time Missionaries, but we have countless Volunteers. Countless. (big grin)
Our Perpetual Education fund is awesomer than ever, and this is starting to pay direct dividends through tithing. Three times higher on their tithing levels! Maybe the church needs a Yacht.
You know what. You are all awesome. All of you are so righteous. Pay more tithing.
Ok, I'm going to name drop a bit now... God's awesome... Gordon B Hinkley is awesome... They both love you. I love you. I love your tithing.
Have a good conference.
| Top Ten Ways General Authorities Eat a Peanut Butter Cup:
10. Paul H. Dunn
I remember back in WWII that I ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Back then, they were big enough to live on for a week. Being the only soldier to have survived the battle in my brigade, I really didn’t know If I could eat it or not, but I remember my fallen buddy’s words as he died in my arms: “Paul, if you just take one bite at a time you can tackle anything.” So I took that giant cup and, breaking it with the bat Babe Ruth gave me after I struck him out with two outs in the bottom of the ninth in the seventh game of the World Series, proceeded to wolf down the tiny morsels.
9. David B. Haight
Imagine 70 years ago on a rough road between Idaho and Logan. There were only Circle K’s, no 7-11’s. You had to bring your Peanut Butter Cups with you. Ruby and I split one for the first time in 1937.
8. Dallin H. Oaks
The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup challenges us to consume. From the beginning there have been three steps in eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. First, remove the wrapper. This is best done quickly, by turning the cup over, grasping the outer fold and pulling away from the bottom. Second…
7. Joseph B. Wirthlin
When I was young I would sprint to the corner store, buy a Reese’s and run my hand through my hair before taking it down in one bite. These days I don’t sprint, and I have no hair, but the peanut butter cup remains.
6. Richard G. Scott
If you have not eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, I plead with you. Eat one now. Enjoy the chocolate, the peanut butter. Do not delay. If you have thought, “That’s not for me,” I plead with you to reconsider. Of all foods I treasure, this one was the first.
5. M. Russell Ballard
The time has come when members of the church need to reach out to our friends and share a cup, a peanut butter cup. It is not enough to raise a chocolate bar, it must now have peanut butter.
4. Boyd K. Packer
In all my years, I have always eaten my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups the same way–the established way we have been instructed to eat them. There is a far greater evil in this world, though–those who believe they can eat their cups in a way unconventional to the time-honored manner. We must be true and faithful and eat our Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the customary and recognized approach as it has heretofore been established..
3. Neal A. Maxwell
I intentionally initiate the delicious design of the deglutition of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. It is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated.
2. Thomas S. Monson
I remember I ate my first Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup when I was a tender lad of eight. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, ‘Tommy, are you eating a Reese’s?’
And I would invariably smile up to her, ‘Yes, yes, I am.’
‘But Tommy, did you know that Sister Jensen next door hasn’t eaten a Reese’s Cup in years?’ My young mind thought upon the plight of my neighbor. Tears were shed. Hearts were gladdened. A cup was shared.
1. J. Golden Kimball
Hell, Heber, I’ll eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup any damned way I want!
| An Angel With A Flaming Sword Tells Joseph To Enter Into The Practice Of Polygamy |
Monday, Jun 15, 2009, at 08:10 AM
Original Author(s): Ddefective
Topic: COMEDY - SECTION 4 -Link To MC Article-
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| Q: Why did God strike the Angel Moroni with lightning?
A: Moroni asked for his own burning "bush."
A: Actually God was aiming for the "All Seeing Eye of Rah"
A: He thinks the barefoot moroni's would look better if they were retrofitted with black rubber boots.
A: Moroni fell asleep and stopped playing the trumpet
A: Greedy church leaders used 12 karat instead of 24 karat gold.
A: He's telling the choir he's tired of "classical" music and wants to hear more Jazz and The Blues.
A: The "Joseph Smith Translation of Nursery Rhymes" was incorrect. It's supposed to say "Little boy BLACK, come blow your horn.
A: Hey wanted to see if "once you try black, you never go back" was true with mormons.
A: It wasn't lighting at all. Baby God got hold of a black magic marker.
A: He didn't. Moroni was badly bruised after being stuffed with candy and used as a pinata at a Celestial Family birthday party.
| From Tool:
"Knowing that Tool are scheduled to perform at “Energy Solutions Arena” in Salt Lake City, Utah on July 19, 2009, and being very aware that the 19th happens to be a SUNDAY, on behalf of the band, I would like to reassure all those Tool enthusiasts who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or those who are thinking about converting to Mormonism) that they need not worry about any judgment, punishment or other repercussions from breaking the strict rules and attending the show.
Having graduated from Miskatonic University (Go Black Goats!) with a degree in comparative religion, trust me when I tell you that I am well acquainted with the unique beliefs of the so-called “restored church”, and how LDS doctrine urges those to abstain from certain activities on SUNDAYS, including drinking hot beverages, watching R-rated movies, driving to the nearest “Sonic” for a cherry limeade, listening to rock music, and going out to see one’s friends. Therefore, I understand your trepidation about doing NyQuil shots before jumping in dad’s Prius and going to see a Hollywood-based prog-metal band with song titles like “Hooker With A Penis.” Sounds like a good way to end up on the wrong side of the tracks in the Telestial Kingdom, doesn’t it? Well, what if I told you that you could get floor seats for $93.00, sneak in goldfish crackers and/or Nilla wafers, enjoy the entire show, lights and all (on the Sabbath), and still get a Group A boarding pass for the indescribably beautiful realm that could onlybe Celestial Kingdom!"
| 10. Yea, those fundies in Texas are whack jobs, but I do find the women's hairstyles, dresses and absolute obedience very sexy.
9. MMM was just a little misunderstanding.
8. Two words: BYU coeds.
7. Would you give us funds to excavate the Hill Cumorah, I just know there is a big cave under there and millions of dead bodies.
6. Don't be silly, of course we are all going to vote Democrat in the next election.
5. Can I have a Pepsi, my wife won't let me drink it at home.
4. That silly stuff that Brigham Young said about any blacks marrying whites needing to die does not apply to your parents.
3. We really didn't mean to dead dunk your grandmother without your permission, but I'm sure she is much happier now.
2. Are there any TARP funds available for the City Creek project?
1. Can you fund a study to find our why God changed Native Americans DNA on us?
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